I think about my ex a lot, even though she scammed me!

[Da Lonely 1]

Yeah, yeah. So it's stupid.

 

But I met her in 2005 and 2015 will mark 10 years (a full decade) since I first met Laura, and I last saw her in June, and in July she had me going some place kidding on she would meet me there, but she was not there when I arrived, and she once blocked me on Facebook, claiming she had not meant to.

 

She has mistreated me a lot in the past so I must be nuts for thinking about her, but I do miss her and I wanted to see her. Her attitude is cunning, though, like a fox. She only wanted to hook up with me if it was done through Facebook and she will not provide me with her mobile phone number.

 

The primary problem other than her lies is that I don't think she understands the true value of money and I know Laura has mood swings. I do like her a lot. She has some learning problem, but is not too dissimilar to myself. I felt good being with her some days, but other times she was just a liar and bad news.

 

Just no more PS3 purchases or iPods. I have had enough of that.

 

However, what could be causing these feelings? I am not daft and I think I am too lonely. Life feels more lonesome now without my support workers and I have legal matters to survive next month.

[kolleamm]

You feel this way because you don't have any other options. You think she is the only woman on the planet. Go meet other women, stop being a tool.

[Da Lonely 1]

That seems like a standard answer, but I have anxiety problems that will prevent me being able to do the basics, for to engage with strangers. There is nothing wrong with having memories of someone.

[StalwartMind]

Nothing wrong at all with having memories like that or connecting her with once good feelings. The problem of course is how toxic her behavior and treatment of you is/was. You know it's not good for you, yet due to having anxiety problems it's hard to just move on and find someone else.

 

People today more than ever have it easier with discarding items/people that no longer is of use to them, technology most certainly "helps" with that, because it's easy for many to just replace.

 

The truth is you can't and shouldn't really be changing others for the better, they should desire that themselves. It's of course a good trait wanting to help others and wish for them to improve but in the end it's still not your responsibility. It's easy to be disappointed by others, not just people but also events happening because we all have and expect different standards. Yours are above hers, but there is the possibility she's pretty content in how she treats you.

 

It's easy to tell you to move on, and yeah you really should be, as it'll just hold you back and be toxic until you learn to let go. It's easier said than done of course, however if you can slowly learn to distance yourself and just accept the reality of how other people are ok with things then you'll also slowly find more inner peace and happiness.

[Brimstone]

I have anxiety problems that will prevent me being able to do the basics, for to engage with strangers.

 

Look up Johnny Berba on youtube. He's a dating coach, but a lot of his videos are based on and around social anxiety.

 

Having a look at his videos helped a friend of mine with his problems.

 

Also, a thing that really helped me getting into a positive headspace is to wake up every morning, look in the mirror and smile. Start your day off right!

 

Good luck!

[Da Lonely 1]

Yes. I know the solution is to go mingle with others, ideally with people that share your common interests, political beliefs and whatnot. But I suffered a panic attack years ago. To be specific, it happened to me in 2009. It probably occurred because of a lack of sleep, because I stayed up all night then all day for days in order not to miss important appointments, and I was eager to end the 2000s (decade) as it had been horrible, so I was obsessing over that. But I think that panic attack changed my body chemistry as now my anxiety causes my chemical imbalances to go into overkill. Like, just being in a room or area with too many people triggers panic feelings. They take hold and the follow up action is usually to "escape" from the supposed threat.

 

Yes, that Laura was a muck around and a no good scam artist. She made tons of excuses and told many lies, while her family took her side and even scammed me the odd time too. She was with a guy at the time I rediscovered her in 2012 and pretended to finish with him, but then went back to him and probably had sex with him as well. This was after having not seen her in person since the summer of 2005. And it would appear my heroic efforts were all for nothing in the end, as she was someone I desired to be with. At the time, my social worker was supposed to stop seeing me, but when he found out she was back in my life, he purposefully stuck around for many months to keep an eye on things.

 

I suffered a mini panic attack in 2006 because I had a crush on a co-worker in a shop I worked in and I recall feeling weird, then I started rolling around on the floor in front of two co-workers, acting bizarre. The anxiety attack I had in 2009 was far worse, but this panic attack was awful just the same.

 

In recent years, I have had issues with agoraphobia and the release of adrenaline. It is not possible to control the rushes so one has to keep calm and, well, find a way to hold off getting more anxious. And this may sound ironically hilarious, but the girl I took a fancy to was actually working in the prison I was remanded in - as a guard. No, I kid you not. It really is a small world. Ha!

 

However, I ended my support with the company that employed an outreach team to help me after they took two females off my team and acted dishonest over it. This is why I ended up in a lot of hot water, because it has broken my heart and I feel unable to move on. Although just speaking to me, you may wonder why I needed any support at all. Because when you think about it, I am just generally quite noticeably chatty and intelligent, and because of my social fears, I totally depended on those rats to help my life feel wonderful. Yeah, so relying on others is a bit myopic. Maybe being too openly honest is problematic. That honesty compounded a dire and life altering situation both in 2013 and particularly throughout 2014.

 

All I really did to begin with was make the mistake of 'crushing' on a few female caregivers, who went venomous on me. You see, I trusted a male worker I spoke to before and he reported me, so by the time I did mess things up, my key worker called Sara already knew I had feelings for her. This need to get her back in my life on a happy basis again ultimately resulted in me being remanded in jail. Yet I do feel as if I ought to have tried to have made amends with the people I had been upsetting, rather than missed out on any chance there was of redeeming myself (not that I consider any of my actions to be totally bad, more so just unprofessional and not planned out very well).

 

The problem I seem to have is I see helpful people like the care personnel I had as being very engaging people because of their friendly approach. After all, these are the very traits required for this sort of work. It is not that I deliberately want to omit the fact a working relationship has boundaries put in place for good reasons, but when one thinks they have found nice company from being around a support worker and they struggle to not feel lonesome, of course it can be hard to not feel you are close with he or she. My problem is I think their neurotypical thinking took over and they forgot to take a step back, or at least understand that autistic people do not mean to have 'creepy' traits - indeed they are just lonely and very much human too. That company did not even have the decency to at least talk through the issues to start off with. Rather, they saw fit to just start dropping all my cherished support team members like flies and telling a series of dishonest reasons for doing so. Then I wound up jailed for violating the boundaries, being all hardcore towards them on Facebook because I was fed up. This got them calling the pig squad (who are often not nice or respectful either).

 

But they are not the only ones. For years, people I felt I could trust took a dump all over my nice nature. Even a medium once told me I am kind and friendly, but people take advantage of this. That was before I even told her anything about me. So, wow. Can a spritualist tell me something I do not know?

 

But yes - I reckon in life you have got to learn to roll with the punches a bit more, or at least take the rough spells alongside the smooth ones, so to speak. You cannot let the Crown get you down when time is going by slowly in your cell and you are on your own.

 

Damn, I am a brainy one. Ha-ha.

Edited November 23, 2014 by Da Lonely 1
I hate this stupid Xbox 360 Internet Explorer app, because it is annoying.