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How does a woman succesfully approach a man?


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I'm interested in some tips on how women can succesfully be the initiator. All my past attempts got me rejected so I'm pretty bad :laugh:

 

I'm not looking to date currently, but am curious, because once I do want to date I expect I will need to be prepared for doing this.

 

Men, what makes a good approach?

 

Women, what has worked for you?

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Copelandsanity

Going up to a guy, introducing yourself, and initiating a conversation is plenty enough. That's half the battle right there. The hope is then that he takes an initiative to obtain your contact, or invite you out to do something.

 

Personally, I don't like it if a girl is directly asking me out or throwing themselves at me. It's a turn-off. I enjoy a mutual interaction and just initiating it goes a long way.

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Copeland, I definitely get that some men don't like women who initiate, but sitting back and waiting for men to do it doesn't work for me, so I'd like to try something different from what I typically do.

 

Any tips from men who are okay with it, and women who do it? What makes the difference between rejection or success?

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"Don't wait too long. I'm on temporary assignment and my unit is due to be shipped out soon"

 

Says Patricia Neal to John Wayne 'In Harm's Way' set back in the grand old year of 1941, after driving him home. Go figure, woman driving and being forward about asking a man out, since apparently they understood after a certain age men apparently became more reticent about such matters and, well, if a woman wanted a date, her vocal chords worked too.

 

Then again, it was only a movie....

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I really don't have a marked opinion, as a woman has never asked me out on a date. Speculating though, if a stranger, then I would expect some nervousness, less so with someone whom I already knew. Relatively steady and direct would be my expectation at our age, since we've all been through the relationship wringer and it isn't that big of a deal anymore. For younger folks, perhaps a bit of trepidation moderated by some bravado or humor. Normal human stuff.

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If I found a woman attractive I wouldn't care how she asked me, just makes sure to make it obvious your interested and keep the convo going.

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Copelandsanity
Copeland, I definitely get that some men don't like women who initiate, but sitting back and waiting for men to do it doesn't work for me, so I'd like to try something different from what I typically do.

 

Any tips from men who are okay with it, and women who do it? What makes the difference between rejection or success?

 

On another thread, you mentioned that one of the criteria you look for is common interests. If you come across a guy who has a similar interest, you can invite him to an activity/event that you were looking forward to doing. Or you might otherwise have done on your own. That might help bring out a shyer guy - who is otherwise a great catch, but is apprehensive about approaching - out of his shell.

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Don't know how true it is, but the old idea is that most men prefer the "hunt" for their mate, and if a woman is too available, forward, or chases after him, he doesn't value her as much. Guys?

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This may be the easy answer, but I'm really not sure as to why you were rejected in your previous attempts, so my natural instinct would be to say you were speaking to the wrong men, whom for whatever reason didn't receive your initiation well.

 

No offense to any person whom is stuck in all these "specific rules of engagement" when it comes to approaching the other/same sex for a date or whatever, but that's all way too much faff for something that should be so simple, however I do understand some people only take joy in pursuing or being pursued and that's fine. If you strike up a conversation about any topic with me and most similar minded and sensible men, you'll get a response worthy of your initiation and approach.

 

It's most certainly a good idea to initiate a conversation about something you know he is interested in and perhaps you are at a location that gives you the perfect opportunity to do just that. Be it at a sports game, theater, or wherever you are.

 

As long as you have pretty good situational awareness and treat the other person with genuine interest and politeness, I at least myself, would not reject a conversation regardless of it's intention and I'm sure that goes for many others too. I have learned from past relationships/friendships that you can run into anyone whom is of great interest to you anywhere, and really that's is one of the best surprises life can throw at you, even for someone whom is incredibly introverted and shy, granted that may happen to a lesser extent out and about.

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Don't know how true it is, but the old idea is that most men prefer the "hunt" for their mate, and if a woman is too available, forward, or chases after him, he doesn't value her as much. Guys?

 

 

I would agree with that......but I'm not a guy....

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As long as you have pretty good situational awareness and treat the other person with genuine interest and politeness, I at least myself, would not reject a conversation regardless of it's intention and I'm sure that goes for many others too. I have learned from past relationships/friendships that you can run into anyone whom is of great interest to you anywhere, and really that's is one of the best surprises life can throw at you, even for someone whom is incredibly introverted and shy, granted that may happen to a lesser extent out and about.

 

 

....this ^^^^^

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Walk up to him, look him in the eye and say "Do you wanna hit this or what?"

 

Make sure you are pointing to your groin area when you do it...

 

Works for me all the time!!! :laugh:

 

Ok, bad jokes aside. It depends on the situation/circumstances.

 

I must say that after my recent flop with my crush, I'm wondering if my radar is off in detecting interest.

 

I don't know, while guys say now a days that with equality and all that, we women should step up and approach, I still think that even if a guy is flattered, they still want the one to do the pursuing.

 

IMO, best thing is to get them in some casual convo. And, if they show signs of interest maybe you can give them your number and like offer yourself for another interesting convo. But mostly, I think the key is establishing familiarity/friendship with them and then one day maybe they'll ask you out and/or you can suggest coffee, lunch, etc. and it won't be so much as a "cold" approach and/or awkward.

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Don't know how true it is, but the old idea is that most men prefer the "hunt" for their mate, and if a woman is too available, forward, or chases after him, he doesn't value her as much. Guys?

 

I'm sure this is the case for some men still today, and really I have no problem with either men or women thinking or wanting this still, but it seems like such an ancient way of thinking and being. Don't get me wrong I understand fully the potential excitement of the hunting/being hunted, but considering the amount of disappointment you can set yourself up for, as well as "is it going to be exciting too once the prey has been caught?" If you ask my puppies, they think it's fun for a little while after they've caught their prey (toy) but then they get bored and I'm afraid this also apply to a lot of people that still play by these rules.

 

Most people claim/feel that love will fade with anyone/anything after a period of time, be it months or years, it's funny I've never felt that way, to me it has been the exact opposite result. People or things I am fond of or love, I feel even stronger for than ever. This perhaps is because I tend to have an incredibly open mind and understanding, even of things that I may not agree with personally. Anyway, I do believe time is changing somewhat, in some places more than others. You'll see a lot of career women in my country say compared to other places and so on and so forth. In the end whatever floats your boat is what counts. I'll just end this with saying that women shall most certainly not be afraid to approach a potential mate/friend or whatever they are looking for, it's my experience more often than not that it should lead to something successful.

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I'm a bit surprised by how many people suggest that it's not really a good thing to be doing. I definitely didn't expect that.

 

Establishing casual convo is easy, I never have issues with that, it's tsking it further that I struggle with. I get Friendzoned constantly, likely for keeping things too casual or easy going.

 

By the time I reach that bold, direct asking him out to dinner, I'm so far friendzoned that it's an instant fail.

 

I need some advice on creating interest from the start. There's a guy I know who works at a place I frequent. We chat every time I'm in. A fellow coworker came up to him afterwards when he thought I wasn't noticing, and kinda furrowed his brow at me and asked his coworker what was up with him talking to me. The guy said "well, she's polite".

 

Yeesh. Not so good...

 

I figure I need to cold approach and ask a guy out before he's gotten a chance to decide he's not interested

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Are there specific factors, men, that will cause a decision on whether you are interested or not, during that initial encounter? Or would it typically take more time for you to make a decision?

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I prefer to do the approaching. A woman can give signals, of course, but she shouldn't be trying to do my job for me.

 

Another no?! :(

 

I'm honestly surprised. I expected the no's to be in the minority.

 

Ok Johan, what's an example of a good, clear signal?

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Copelandsanity
Are there specific factors, men, that will cause a decision on whether you are interested or not, during that initial encounter? Or would it typically take more time for you to make a decision?

 

Be the best version of yourself. Dress your best, look your best, and be in your best "state." You know whose moments when you feel at your most confident, vibrant, strong, and fun? Seek to bring those emotions into your interactions with others. When you are sure of yourself, you're most likely to be able to persuade others. Smile. Outside of that, you're going to have to leave it up to chemistry because it takes two to tango :D

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Another no?! :(

 

I'm honestly surprised. I expected the no's to be in the minority.

 

Ok Johan, what's an example of a good, clear signal?

 

 

 

I'll agree with StalwartMind. One can go textbook flirt rules like smiling, playing with hair, eye contact, etc. It could get the initial attention, but if we are not clicking on some basic level then I am afraid it won't work. So, basically I am trying to say to keep it simple and go with the flow.

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CrystalCastles
Another no?! :(

 

I'm honestly surprised. I expected the no's to be in the minority.

 

Ok Johan, what's an example of a good, clear signal?

 

Frankly, I generally just do whatever I want, eventually someone bites.

 

I've asked guys out directly. I did get a no, but it was a polite no. The other times, I'd very heavily flirt, and make it as blatantly obvious as I can. The guy generally gets it and soon asks me out, unless he's really shy. If I can tell he's shy but interested, then I just ask him out.

 

That's what I did to my bf. He kept making excuses to come see me at my lab, he'd write me long messages on facebook, he was constantly initiating conversations but didn't ask me out. I figured he was nervous, so I just asked him out and he said yes. He told me he was happy I did that because he was too nervous around me, and that kind of move would have taken longer for him.

 

So, my suggestion is just do what you think is right. I'd start by flirting with the guy. If he seems responsive and eager, that's good. Flirt a bit more, if he asks you out, then the job's done. If he seems nervous, or shy, then just do it yourself. Maybe you were getting rejected because you weren't paying attention to their lack of interest in you. That's why you have to test the waters with some flirting beforehand.

 

Be confident. If a guy likes you and thinks you're attractive, he isn't going to be put off by you. And frankly I find it weird that a confident, strong woman can emasculate a guy. Is his masculinity so fragile that a woman walking up to him and asking him out an action that can shatter it? Yeesh.

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ForbiddenFruit

It really depends on the kind of person you will be trying to lead on, different people are attracted to different things.

 

But the best thing is to always be yourself. And confidence is key!! I cannot stress on how important confidence is. In a room full of women, the one with confidence stands out from the rest- but there is a fine line between cocky and confident. and guys seem to not like cocky anyways.

 

Also, the way you dress is very important! If you are looking for a good man then dress classy but always have that little bit of cleavage or legs, whatever is your best attribute-give him a sneak peak and make him want more.

 

Making him want more is the key to everything. (:

 

But the twinkle in the eye, eye contact, and the cute little smiles you give him ALWAYS work, just find your signature flirt move(; body language also shows a lot. Make sure your body is relax and not tense.

 

If you're hitting on a guy just because you want to sleep with him then things are different. But still dress with a "sneak peak" of your favorite attribute.

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ForbiddenFruit

Flirt with him, often but not too often. Sometimes don't even talk to him, he will wonder why you aren't flirting with him and it will make him wonder. Baby steps is the best thing to do especially if you want him to ask you out. I hope you can find some of this useful!(:

 

Guys want what they can't have(:

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I asked out the guy I ended up living with for 14 years.

 

 

The lead up to the asking out was more important that the asking out plus I didn't ask him out in a way that put any pressure on at all.

 

 

This is how it all happened:

 

 

I had been out for the night and it had been a pretty boring night. I hadn't eaten much that day and on my walk home I decided to pop into a local late night restaurant as often there would be a crowd of guys and girls who went there on Friday nights who I was friends with - they are always up for 'more the merrier' so I knew that if they were there I would be welcomed.

 

 

I walked in, spotted a few of the crowd and they were standing and had just arrived. Someone called out my name and I realised another friend was in there so I stopped to talk for a bit.

 

 

I kept my eye on my crowd so that I could go join them when they sat down.

 

 

However, I also spotted this guy who I had never seen before. He also spotted me and we locked eyes for a brief second.

I then did something instinctive and took my jacket off. I remember thinking at the time 'I want you to notice me' and I looked nicer (so I thought) with the jacket off rather than on. Essentially, I was showing off and wanted him to check me out.

He saw me do this and we smiled at each other. He did check me out!

The next few seconds I concentrated on my friend at the table I was next to but all this while I could see from the corner of my eye that he was watching me.

 

 

The crowd started to move to sit down so I said my goodbyes and went over to say hello and ask if I could join the crowd. All was good.

The guy went quiet but then he made sure that he sat next to me and he introduced himself to me.

 

 

We all had something to eat and me and him got on really well.

I did find out though that he had a girlfriend at the time.

 

 

When the meal was over we all left and I was walking in the same direction as him and another guy who I knew from school (turned out my guy was renting a room from my school friend).

 

 

When I went to turn off the road we were on and walk home he offered to walk me to my door - which he did - we stood chatting for ages.

The next part I am not too happy with myself about but he said that he and his gf weren't a serious thing (he had said this during dinner actually).

Anyway, we were talking so long and it was cold and he asked if I wanted a late drink back at his place - so I said yes.

 

 

We chatted back at his for a couple of hours, stayed in the living room. My school friend popped down to say hello for a bit.

 

 

I called a cab and left and that was that.

No numbers were exchanged or anything and nothing happened between us that night.

 

 

Over the next three months I would see him while I was out and about.

He was always happy to see me and we always had a quick chat.

 

 

I remember one night he was at a club and I had gone there with some friends. He came over to say hello but then the rest of the time he kept looking at me. My friends noticed it first.

I would look over at him now and then too.

 

 

About a month later I was at another club. Me and my friends walked through to go upstairs and find a table and while walking through I saw him. We smiled and said hello.

 

 

A bit later I managed to spill an entire drink over one of my friends. I felt so bad! I apologised and got him another drink (yes I managed to spill his drink over him!). After that the friend got grumpier and grumpier with me over it and the rest of our friends were getting a bit tired of it.

I decided to get away for a bit and go down to the dance floor.

So, my guy was there between the stairs and the dance floor.

 

 

We looked at each other and I asked for a hug and told him I was having a bad night.

We ended up finding a table in the corner of a quieter bar and we sat there all night talking and telling life stories.

He was now single btw as he had ended things with the girl he was seeing.

 

 

We left and got a cab home. We let the cab go once we got to my house and so again we stood and chatted for another long time.

He was about to walk home and I asked him if he wanted to join me and a couple of female friends the following Wednesday as we were going to a karaoke night. (this was my ask out').

He said he would love to but he had a weekly badminton game and his likelihood of making it and getting a lift to the venue would be pretty small.

 

 

He said he would see if he could come but he probably wouldn't be able to make it.

I pretty much took that as a no but had a teeny bit of hope he might turn up.

I was fine with his reasons and didn't react in any bad way, showed no disappointment and we said goodbye.

 

 

Wednesday rolled around and me and my two girlfriends were at the karaoke. They knew about the guy and were watching the door like hawks! :laugh:

 

 

By 9pm I had given up any hope.

About 15 mins later my two friends said in unison 'A guy just walked in with a badminton racquet in his hand and a huge sports bag'.

I thought they were kidding.

Another 10 minutes or so passes and there he is at my side smiling at me. He had gone off to get changed out of his sports gear.

 

 

He confessed that he couldn't get a lift so had to get a cab. He also said what a pain it had been on his way to work on the bus as he had had to pack not only his sports gear but also another change of clothes for the night out but that nothing would have stopped him from turning up to see me. Aw! :)

He also confessed that he never asked for my number as he knew where I lived and he was planning on coming to see me and ask me out. He was flattered that I asked him but quite surprised, he did say he was very happy about being asked though.

 

 

My friend was driving and we dropped him off that night. He collared me out of the car, took me to his door, kissed me and asked for my number.

He then called me two days later and invited me on a date.

 

 

It was obvious there was mutual attraction between us but also we talked a lot and built up a friendship too.

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