Don't know what I'm looking for. Maybe friends with benefits...

[Intrepidcaribou]

I'm a 28-year-old woman. I'm also a secret virgin. I only have one friend (male, lives in another country) and he has no idea. My sisters are my best friends and they know, as do my parents. I've never been in a relationship, or kissed anyone. I have gone out on two dates in my life. I wasn't attracted to either of these guys when I agreed to go out with them and was even less attracted to them by the time the date was over. Since then, a few more guys have asked me out but I've always said no since I don't think it's fair to go out with a man who you don't find attractive just for experience and a free dinner.

 

I'm thin (size 4), feminine looking and people say I'm pretty though I think I'm just on the better side of average. I dress well. I like outdoor activities and adventure travel. I even play the banjo (not especially well, but I practice diligently). I'm not some obvious virgin -- fat, shy, or housebound. I'm always out and about. I hate domesticity of any kind. I don't even have a bed (I sleep in my camping sleeping bag on the floor). I have definite ideas about where I'd like my life to go which involves living in interesting, remote places. There are mountains I want to climb and wild, exotic lands I want to visit.

 

I am doing OK in my career. I work in non-profits and though I don't make a lot of money, my work is interesting, my colleagues like me and I am good at what I do. I'm outgoing and sociable at work, but I don't really socialize with my colleagues outside of work. I'm not really comfortable with friendships. I'm a loner. It used to upset me, but now I figure if I opened myself up and allowed people to know me and my secrets, maybe I could have friends, but I just can't bring myself to do that.

 

The thing is I think I have a very normal sex drive. I see men I find very attractive. I sometimes even talk to men I find very attractive. I am extremely ambivalent about relationships. It doesn't seem that being attached to someone has any real benefit. I'd like to have sex but I have absolutely no idea how. And of course having sex with random people carries its own scary and much more acute risks.

 

I grew up in a traditional kind of family. My parents are very moral people but there was always a free flow of ideas. We grew up with a strong sense of art and culture even though my parents never had any money. My father worked brutal hours supporting us. My mother was often medicated and bedridden -- and prone to sudden, terrifying rages. I was a good, dutiful daughter who never rebelled (except for an eating disorder when I was 13). I looked after my sisters and parents. I got good grades and eventually a scholarship to university. I totally fell apart there, became directionless, depressed and suicidal. I started binge-purging. I was so sheltered that it was difficult to adjust.

 

I graduated in '08, so I drifted for a few more years until I finally got into non-profit work, which is what I'm doing now. I think my life has made me very ambitious and resilient, but I've also gotten very used to doing everything for myself. Everything I have I have because I worked for it -- both in my career and my travels.

 

I've seen other women give up their ambitions and careers to follow some man some place, and I don't want that to be me. I can't see a way to love someone and be free at the same time. What sort of boyfriend would be OK with his girlfriend leaving for 6 weeks to hike 450 miles from one side of Scotland to the another (yes, that's totally on my bucket list)? Especially if that girl doesn't cook or do housework?

 

At the same time, I get lonely. Is sex really worth trading in my freedom?

[StalwartMind]

I believe your advantage is that you seem pretty aware of what you want and expect of a possible boyfriend/friends with benefits. There are men out there whom would more than suit your needs and preferences, regardless if you even question it and wonder what type of person would be willing to put up with that. While it may not be for everyone, there are people whom live in all sorts of different relationship, and it's my believe too that as long as you can find someone you communicate excellent with, where there won't be drama, jealousy, questioning/doubting everything, you most certainly are a close step to finding a good candidate to be your bf/fwb.

 

I'm actually curious if you prefer mountain climbing, outdoor activities alone when you mention going 6 weeks on some hike. Perhaps this is exactly a part of the freedom you want and need, but it did make me wonder if you'd not prefer to also be able to enjoy this with someone special, maybe not every time but at least sometimes.

 

No matter what I very much believe you shouldn't give up anything for anyone ever, yep, I'm well aware that most standard relationships have people sacrifice certain things to make things work, but really, our time on this planet is extremely limited and I very much recommend everyone doing something they feel very passionate about. Most people doom long distance relationship/long time without seeing your mate, and while there can be many reasons to that, typically it's people whom do not possess a lot of mental strength to deal with the situation. Us humans are considered a social animal, but some thrive better with a flexible life that includes solitary moments. It is more than possible to find someone whom understands your needs and embrace them. In fact, the right person whom satisfy your attraction as well as having a complete understanding, can amplify your experience when you seek your adventures alone. The adrenaline rush of doing something you truly enjoy as well as looking forward to returning home to someone whom supports and understands you fully.

 

Finding someone like that is possibly the biggest challenge, but I have no problems envisioning such a relationship working, regardless of how many people would tell you other wise. Most people are just too comfortable in their every-day-predictable-auto-robotic-life, however I'm sure one day you could come home to someone saying. "Honey, I've found your next hiking location, you're going to the fjords in Norway", and oh my are they pretty!

[carly75]

I think you are afraid to explore with someone else. Maybe you should try to have a relation with men and make love with the man you love most. Life is too short, so you have to enjoy it.

[OwMyEyeball]

Are you after soulfully connected relationships are just plain ol' sex?

 

Sounds like the former.

 

If that's the case you don't need to give up your sojourning ways to achieve that. Nor should you cling too tightly to the fatalistic side of romantic relationships. Life is full of sacrifices, many of which we're unaware of even making until experiences nudges our perspective.

 

There are a lot of people such as yourself out and about in this world. The difficulty in finding them is obvious enough: they don't advertise themselves and lead transient lifestyles. But there are places where their lives tend to intersect.

 

In my experience these places include:

 

- Hostels

- Seasonal outdoor jobs (wildfire fighting, tree planting & other forestry related work, ski instruction/guiding, camp and guide work, etc)

- Music & arts festivals

- Outdoors oriented or hiking Meet Up groups

- WOOFing farms

 

That's not to say everyone who frequents these location is an intrepid world traveler, but those are some pretty common haunts for adventure minded people. I'm sure there are other locations I'm unaware of that attract those with a mentality similar to yours - ask around when you meet these people and I'm sure you'll get some more leads.

 

You have your passion. Wonderful! Pursue it to your heart's delight. If companionship from like-minded folk is what you seek then you'll have no trouble finding them. Chances are you'll also find guys out there with whom a romance can blossom.

[Intrepidcaribou]

I'm actually curious if you prefer mountain climbing, outdoor activities alone when you mention going 6 weeks on some hike. Perhaps this is exactly a part of the freedom you want and need, but it did make me wonder if you'd not prefer to also be able to enjoy this with someone special, maybe not every time but at least sometimes.

 

I've gone hiking a few times with other people, but I generally move too quickly for most. If I could go with someone who was fast and willing to tackle difficult terrain, I wouldn't mind going with another person.

 

But then again, I'm the person who won't stand in a bus shelter even when it's 20 below. In fact, it never occurred to me to stand in a bus shelter until someone pointed it out.