Is this strategy wrong?

[Eternal Sunshine]

When I dated a lot before, my strategy was to go out with a guy for say 6 dates (around 1 month) and then have "the talk" about what are his expactitions of the relationship. Usually in those scenarios things were going kinda slow and I already saw the signs of hesistancy on their part...

 

Those talks would nearly always go along the lines of them saying "I want a relationship but ___ I am not sure if we have enough in common to make it long term. I want to keep seeing you and see what happens" or some other vague reason for their heistancy (I am not 100% over my ex is another example) but with an undelying message that they want to keep things with me going. In all of those scenarios I would end it and walk away for good. Am I too rush to do this? I feel that the upside is that I don't waste time in dead end relationships. For me it's either full steam ahead or not at all (by that I mean there is no doubt that they like me and want to be with me long term).

 

Thoughts?

[DKT3]

A month is too fast to DTR for most men. Then you shut down when they get cold feet.

 

Slow down, see where it goes. Not saying you shouldn't have an off switch in a budding relationship. Take your time and enjoy dating without so much pressure.

[Eternal Sunshine]

A month is too fast to DTR for most men. Then you shut down when they get cold feet.

 

Slow down, see where it goes. Not saying you shouldn't have an off switch in a budding relationship. Take your time and enjoy dating without so much pressure.

 

 

Yeah I am having doubts of my approach as I don't let things develop naturally. Especially because nearly half of the relationships in my group of friends started with 1 or both people being unsure for the first few months or so...

[Ruby Slippers]

I think that if a guy doesn't make his intentions clear within a month, he's lukewarm about you at best. I've never brought up any "where is this going" conversation. If he wants it to go somewhere, he'll make sure you know.

[PogoStick]

Feelings definitely build over time. It's happened to me where I don't feel super strongly for a girl early on. After spending more time together the feelings grow. I might discover a side of her I didn't know at first.

 

Often there is a specific event that sparks it, like going on a short road trip, grabbing a hotel and spending the weekend together. It could be going to a big concert, or snow skiing in the mountains (also a good time for a weekend with an overnight stay). If you're just doing ordinary dates like dinner, drinks,or a movie, there is less chance to build a major connection.

 

So, if there is a guy YOU are really feeling it for, try to setup a more significant date to build that connection.

 

And yes, pressuring a guy early for a major commitment is a good way to make him backpedal.

[heartshaped]

I'm on the fence here.

 

On the one hand, I feel like six dates and one month is very soon simply because I cannot commit that soon.

 

Usually, I just let things progress at a natural pace. If it gets to the point that I want a relationship with a man and it hasn't been brought up then I will bring it up.

[mariekatie]

I'm a person who have no commitment issue at all. Or maybe it's the way we are brought up, everything is fast paced. We don't have the "dating" stage, we just go straight to dating exclusively or official.

 

But i'm like you, i bring up the talk pretty fast. I would tell him i'm looking for long term and i cut people out pretty fast.

But for my current boyfriend (different culture), i gave him time. We talked about it, he said he wasn't ready. Usually i would had cut it off but the way he treats me is really good and respects me. SO i tried to take it slow and see how this goes. And now we are officially together.

 

Sometimes you just need to learn to wait. If i didn't gave him a chance, i wouldn't end up with such an amazing guy. But one thing for sure is,i will make clear what i want. If they can't handle it, they can stop wasting their time. 1 month might be a little too fast to talk about commitment but for me, i think it's just right.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I think that if a guy doesn't make his intentions clear within a month, he's lukewarm about you at best. I've never brought up any "where is this going" conversation. If he wants it to go somewhere, he'll make sure you know.

 

Yeah that's the thing as well. I know that lots of relationships get stronger over time in terms of commitment. But I wouldn't be happy even if the guy married me if he was lukewarm.

 

It seems to me that most people are not that picky about what their partner feels for them. Men are happy to be with a hot woman (even if she is not that into them), women are happy to get married (even if he is not that into them). Relationships just seem like a tool for people to obtain their goal rather than about love or a real connection. I dunno, that kind of existance depresses me.

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree. On this point you are my LS soul sister

 

Sometimes I really wish I were better at making do with something merely sensible. It would make my life much easier and more comfortable. But anytime I've tried anything like that, I just feel like I'm living a lie.

 

I cannot wait till the day when you and I both are gushing about the true love we finally found

[SawtoothMars]

When I dated a lot before, my strategy was to go out with a guy for say 6 dates (around 1 month) and then have "the talk" about what are his expactitions of the relationship. Usually in those scenarios things were going kinda slow and I already saw the signs of hesistancy on their part...

Those talks would nearly always go along the lines of them saying "I want a relationship but ___ I am not sure if we have enough in common to make it long term. I want to keep seeing you and see what happens" or some other vague reason for their heistancy (I am not 100% over my ex is another example) but with an undelying message that they want to keep things with me going. In all of those scenarios I would end it and walk away for good. Am I too rush to do this? I feel that the upside is that I don't waste time in dead end relationships. For me it's either full steam ahead or not at all (by that I mean there is no doubt that they like me and want to be with me long term).

Thoughts?

 

If you are getting "cold feet" from men nearly 1 month into dating... you are doing a crap job of selling yourself.

 

You may think of this as them being a bad fit for you.... but in reality it is much more likely that you just are being lazy and not doing the right things.

[Emilia]

Kind of concur with Ruby though I think it's also about how much a person allows them to fall for someone. A guy can like you but if he has bad past experiences, he could be putting on the breaks for 3 months or so until he gets to know you better.

 

I think a better approach is being more open and allowing the men to get to know you faster. Maybe they take it slow because you are too closed off and they can't make heads or tails of you? That would make the other person hold back.

[Andy_K]

When I dated a lot before, my strategy was to go out with a guy for say 6 dates (around 1 month) and then have "the talk" about what are his expactitions of the relationship.

 

I don't feel six dates or a month is too soon. I would absolutely know if I want a relationship with a girl by then, and whether I genuinely think she has the potential to be right for me.

 

But there's one proviso:

 

We would have to have had sex by then. It would take something spectacular for me to be sure about a girl if we haven't tested the waters of the most fundamental part of compatibility. But if that's done, then sure.

[Diezel]

I will be honest, I never felt comfortable enough to be with someone long-term until at least the 3 month mark.

 

That honeymoon period of the first 3 months (I actually consider it 6 months - but that's another point altogether) is when you still know someone but not entirely. You probably haven't had an argument yet either, other than picking a spot for dinner.

 

1 month is way too soon if there have been about 6 dates. You don't know each other THAT well, but well enough to know there is attraction.

 

I don't speak for all men, nor most men, I just speak for myself. If a woman was trying to lock me down within the first month, the only reason why I'd say yes is because she was absolutely amazing and checked off a lot of my "required boxes". Sometimes things need to just flow and not necessarily be a "sixth date" thing.

[most_distant_galaxy]

When someone truly wants you, then they won't get cold feet. I mean, no one knows if the relationship is going to be long term, but the thing that's important is that they don't hesitate with their answer when you bring up exclusivity. Life is too short to waste on people who don't say passionately "YES!" (or passionately "NO!").

[Emilia]

When someone truly wants you, then they won't get cold feet. I mean, no one knows if the relationship is going to be long term, but the thing that's important is that they don't hesitate with their answer when you bring up exclusivity. Life is too short to waste on people who don't say passionately "YES!" (or passionately "NO!").

I don't think the question is exclusivity, more commitment.

[most_distant_galaxy]

I don't think the question is exclusivity, more commitment.

 

Oh, I see. Then I agree with Diezel. For me it would be even longer, more than a year of exclusive dating.

[Woggle]

The thing is that men hate feeling like they are pressured or pushed into doing something. This is a generalization but men want to take a relationship to the next level when we truly enjoy being with a woman and we feel we can breathe around her. Constant talks about where the relationship is headed tend to not make men feel that way. Great relationships like most great things need time to grow and become great.

[Chemist]

Usually by my third date I know if I am really into a girl and want a full blown attempt at a relationship or not. Though, I don't know that I would ever be willing to go full blown commitment with knowing what the bedroom life would be like.

[sillyanswer]

When I dated a lot before, my strategy was to go out with a guy for say 6 dates (around 1 month) and then have "the talk" about what are his expactitions of the relationship.

 

By 6 dates and a month I should know if I want another ~6 dates but not necessarily sure if I want a relationship. Sort of "this is good, let's keep going" rather than "this is good, let's shift gears". Of course if that doesn't match her expectations then things might end right there.

 

I don't think you're wrong to have "the talk" at that point, but I wonder if there are more possible outcomes than a relationship vs cessation at that point.

[BluEyeL]

IMO one month is too soon. Way too soon for such talk. Six dates is nothing. Not enough time for feelings to grow roots.

 

You have to give people time to come into their feelings at their pace, without rushing them. My timeline si 3-4 months. Before that, all I do is observe what they do: see me every Saturday, contact me a few times in between, be consistent with dates. It might sound like you're wasting time, but my experience showed that that's a more realistic timeline.

 

My BF told me something clicked at a date when we had a bike ride together. It was after almost 2 months. That's when he asked me to see him more than once a week, and we moved to twice a week. Only after we slept together, after 3 months, we started to see each other 3 or 4 times a week.

 

Give it time, just look at progression, and definitely do not have a relationship talk at 1 month or 6 dates.

[writergal]

IMO one month is too soon. Way too soon for such talk. Six dates is nothing. Not enough time for feelings to grow roots.

 

Give it time, just look at progression, and definitely do not have a relationship talk at 1 month or 6 dates.

 

I'd have to agree with my friend BluEyeL that one month is too soon for "the talk" just because I tried that myself and it's never worked. You think you know someone after 3 weeks but you really don't.

 

Case in point: the guy I dated from Match.com who after 3 weeks gave me his apartment keys, proclaimed that he loved me and wanted to move in together and eventually get married. Not only did that freak me out, he forgot to mention the fact that he was still dating his coworker whom he had an affair with during his 8 year marriage, in addition to dating me. I didn't find out about her until New Years Eve when they texted back and forth.

 

Now if he'd said those things to me 4-6 months after dating, wasn't dating his affair partner (and now 2nd wife), then I probably would believe him.

[preraph]

A month is way too soon. It will scare guys off and as you say, it then forces you to end it. Remember everyone has a different fuse length for that subject. For some guys, maybe it's an entire year. I mean, literally, there are guys who give it a year before they deliberately reassess and decide whether to take it up a level. I would say a few months is more reasonable. I mean, enjoy yourself for like 4 months. If there's still some steam in the relationship, then that's a good sign. Not so much after a month. Too soon to tell.

[FromAbove]

The thing is that men hate feeling like they are pressured or pushed into doing something. This is a generalization but men want to take a relationship to the next level when we truly enjoy being with a woman and we feel we can breathe around her. Constant talks about where the relationship is headed tend to not make men feel that way. Great relationships like most great things need time to grow and become great.

 

This is true to me. Take advice women....don't rush and pressure your man as it will make him run away from you...Guys don't like to be pushed to doing something...better to let it flow and enjoy the moment...when everything goes well and you enjoy eachothers...then you can talk about where you guys think this relationship is headed...and how you both want it to be. Exactly, relationships needs time to grow and become great. Woggle, you worded that perfectly! thumbs up

[GemmaUK]

Well I'm a woman and yep I have asked men out but I always just see how things pan out and I don't rush things.

 

 

I have never had to have 'the chat' because he always has and before I was ready for it.

 

 

One guy (I was 23, he was 24) told me he loved me at 3 weeks I replied with a smile and told him ' I lust you' as love was a bit too quick for me (and I told him that). I was very keen on him and we got on great. He was grinning from ear to ear when he listened to what I said.

We were together 14 years. I asked him out.

 

 

More recently guys will tend to go all ILY sooner (after a week usually) and with far less dates then me and the guy above had. It scares me if anyone does that to me now. Big warning sign. I should earn it, not just acquire it.

[MissBee]

When I dated a lot before, my strategy was to go out with a guy for say 6 dates (around 1 month) and then have "the talk" about what are his expactitions of the relationship. Usually in those scenarios things were going kinda slow and I already saw the signs of hesistancy on their part...

 

Those talks would nearly always go along the lines of them saying "I want a relationship but ___ I am not sure if we have enough in common to make it long term. I want to keep seeing you and see what happens" or some other vague reason for their heistancy (I am not 100% over my ex is another example) but with an undelying message that they want to keep things with me going. In all of those scenarios I would end it and walk away for good. Am I too rush to do this? I feel that the upside is that I don't waste time in dead end relationships. For me it's either full steam ahead or not at all (by that I mean there is no doubt that they like me and want to be with me long term).

 

Thoughts?

 

I personally find this out BEFORE even going on dates sometimes.

 

Early on I ask about what they're looking for and state what I'm looking for and go from there. That helps me not to waste time in my experience and it already puts things on the table so that by time we get to 6 dates they know it's either going to get gradually more serious or not.

 

I don't believe in dating aimlessly personally. I find men who are looking for a relationship don't get scared because of this talk and in fact will bring it up on their own as well. My ex boyfriend did just that, he was also interested in knowing what I was looking for and said he was looking for a gf and someone he could see as his wife.

 

As your experience shows, usually a man who isn't into something serious is more than willing to let things go on casually without ever saying anything of substance, so that's the first clue but for me, I like to get it out of the way from jump and usually bring it up casually on the first date or when we talk on the phone in the case of OLD, where I ask about their last relationship and ask what they're looking for. Their answers tell a lot.