"you have to be happy alone..."

[hotpotato]

"...before you can be happy with someone else."

 

How true is this?

 

Its just not very true for me. Im happy and have adapted to being single.

Now its to where not only am I happy to do activities alone,I prefer doing things alone.

 

Ive also had an influx of prospects. An ex tried to come back, then another guy who has known me for years decided he wanted to date me. Those incidences happened within days of each other. There are also two guys I like. One of them I like very much. I guess this is bringing out my anxiety.

 

Anyone else feel like this? I wonder why the 'universe' would give someone something they dont need.

I think someone has to be a little unhappy with being single to want to date.

[preraph]

I've always said no one should get into a marriage until they've lived by themselves and supported themselves for at least a year or two. Having to do everything for yourself, whether you're male or female, gives you a good overview of what it takes to live financially, what it takes to get all the chores and errands done, keep the car serviced, etc. Until you know that, if you partner up with someone and divide the duties, you have no appreciation for what the other person is doing.

 

Even more important is you don't really know who you are until you start going down the path by yourself, without outside influences such as your parents and spouses pulling you over onto their path. I have never felt such freedom as when I finally moved into a shack all by myself, no roommate. It was absolutely intoxicating to have nothing pulling at me or distracting me. I began doing things like taking naps in the middle of the day on weekends just so I'd dream and then record my dreams. It can be just the most wonderful time of self-discovery. Then once you're on your true path, you are more likely to meet others on that path you will truly connect with.

[melodymatters]

I've always found that phrase to be a bit of happy horseshyte personally. I agree that yeah, you have to be a healthy person who can take care of themselves and have personal interests, but some of us will NEVER be happy alone. For some of us, the basic human condition of living in tribes or family units or partnerships will always seem " natural".

 

My aunt and I have always had BF's or husbands. Not back to back, we've both spent a few yrs here or there unpartnered and were fine, but we didn't consider ourselves fulfilled. We are " partner people". My mom on the other hand, loves my dad, her H of 40 something years, but always liked solitude and has been saying since her 30's that if anything happened to my dad she might like a Saturday night dinner date, but would definitely stay primarily single.

 

There is no right or wrong, just what feels right or wrong to YOU. I have always had dogs. My most recent pup that I had for 13 yrs passed last month and I REALLY WANT another dog ! Am I a functional generally happy person without a pup to snuggle with sure, but if you told me I could never have another dog again I would take it very very hard !

[Woggle]

You should be a happy person then you will attract another happy person who won't make you miserable.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Well, you're sort of misinterpreting what people mean when they say that. Being happy alone doesn't mean you think "Gee, I'm so happy by myself I don't EVER want to be in a relationship". It means you think "While it would be nice to have someone to share my life with, I'm happy and comfortable enough by myself to be patient."

 

Wanting companionship does not mean you're "unhappy", it just means that though you recognize having a committed partner can contribute to and enhance your life in a positive way, you won't kill yourself searching for it or feel less than if things don't pan out a certain way.

 

It's a failsafe against becoming desperate and overzealous in the search for a relationship and risking possibly settling or staying in bad relationships for the sake of simply not being single.

[Woggle]

A good relationship should be a great addition to your happiness and not the only source of it.

[hotpotato]

A good relationship should be a great addition to your happiness and not the only source of it.

 

Yes, but what happens if youre too happy being alone?

 

I feel like I should date someone, but Ive become very happy doing what I want when I want.

[Woggle]

Yes, but what happens if youre too happy being alone?

 

I feel like I should date someone, but Ive become very happy doing what I want when I want.

 

That's how I felt after my divorce but I found somebody that doesn't try to take away my freedom and is a great partner in crime and I don't literally mean crime. A relationship or even marriage in my case doesn't have to mean the end of freedom.

[hotpotato]

Well, you're sort of misinterpreting what people mean when they say that. Being happy alone doesn't mean you think "Gee, I'm so happy by myself I don't EVER want to be in a relationship". It means you think "While it would be nice to have someone to share my life with, I'm happy and comfortable enough by myself to be patient."

 

But cant that happen if you are really really happy alone?

 

 

 

Wanting companionship does not mean you're "unhappy", it just means that though you recognize having a committed partner can contribute to and enhance your life in a positive way, you won't kill yourself searching for it or feel less than if things don't pan out a certain way.

Maybe the better word would be 'dissatisfied.' I dont know. This stuff isnt making sense to me.

Thats how I feel now. Now these guys are coming at me, and I dont want it.

I get that I radiate more positivity. I think im less anxious now which helps.

 

 

t's a failsafe against becoming desperate and overzealous in the search for a relationship and risking possibly settling or staying in bad relationships for the sake of simply not being single.

I can agree, but I think I swung to the other end of the spectrum. :/

[somedude81]

I'm extremely unhappy being single and when I had a girlfriend for six months, I felt like I was in heaven.

 

Funny how you mentioned the universe giving you things you don't need. I feel that the universe is keeping things I need away from me. Or even better is that it gives me a taste, and then rips it away.

[ThaWholigan]

Well, you're sort of misinterpreting what people mean when they say that. Being happy alone doesn't mean you think "Gee, I'm so happy by myself I don't EVER want to be in a relationship". It means you think "While it would be nice to have someone to share my life with, I'm happy and comfortable enough by myself to be patient."

 

Wanting companionship does not mean you're "unhappy", it just means that though you recognize having a committed partner can contribute to and enhance your life in a positive way, you won't kill yourself searching for it or feel less than if things don't pan out a certain way.

 

It's a failsafe against becoming desperate and overzealous in the search for a relationship and risking possibly settling or staying in bad relationships for the sake of simply not being single.

I feel like this post is being misunderstood.

 

Hotpotato specifically mentioned swinging to the other end of the spectrum - at the end of the day, you have to find some kind of balance. I purposefully don't date right now because I need to sort out my life and focus on me. I'm pretty content and happy right now. I'd love to date and have a GF, but the fact is I need to be happy with my life and while my life is OK, I'm committed to making it better i.e. having my own place (even if rented), stepping onto the career path of my choice, making good on the interest I want to follow up etc.

 

Having a GF would be great in that time, but I don't NEED one to be happy. This is the point - it's not about being so happy that you don't even want a relationship. It's about being content and finding a balance.

[insert_name]

I'm extremely unhappy being single and when I had a girlfriend for six months, I felt like I was in heaven.

 

Funny how you mentioned the universe giving you things you don't need. I feel that the universe is keeping things I need away from me. Or even better is that it gives me a taste, and then rips it away.

 

You're probably the luckiest guy in the world. You just don't know it.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

But cant that happen if you are really really happy alone?

 

Absolutely.

 

Pardon the sort of odd analogy but I look at "being okay alone" like going out to dinner and the waiter passing by with a dessert cart. While a dessert can compliment the meal and make for an even more satisfying dining experience, not having it wouldn't make you less full nor diminish the evening. It also means you're less inclined to settle for a piece of bland poundcake because that's all that was left.

 

Maybe the better word would be 'dissatisfied.' I dont know. This stuff isnt making sense to me.

Thats how I feel now. Now these guys are coming at me, and I dont want it.

 

I can agree, but I think I swung to the other end of the spectrum. :/

 

Perhaps it's not "it" you don't want but them?

 

I'm single now and happy and not looking for another relationship just at the moment so though I'm getting offers, I'm not interested. But I think that has a hell of a lot more to do with them not being a good fit as opposed to me just being so "happy being single".

 

Because I'm fine with my current status, I'm far less inclined to jump into something with someone "good on paper" or "give it a shot" when I'm not all that interested. I fully believe that when/if the right person comes along I'll embrace it. I'm not turning down guys I really like all because I'm so satisfied with my own life.

 

There's a difference between being happy alone and becoming a commitment-phobe

[hotpotato]

I'm extremely unhappy being single and when I had a girlfriend for six months, I felt like I was in heaven.

 

Funny how you mentioned the universe giving you things you don't need. I feel that the universe is keeping things I need away from me. Or even better is that it gives me a taste, and then rips it away.

 

I wish I could give you my newfound mojo. I dont want it :/

[Art_Critic]

it has always been true in my life...

[Snaggletooth]

"...before you can be happy with someone else."

 

How true is this?

 

Its just not very true for me. Im happy and have adapted to being single.

Now its to where not only am I happy to do activities alone,I prefer doing things alone.

 

Ive also had an influx of prospects. An ex tried to come back, then another guy who has known me for years decided he wanted to date me. Those incidences happened within days of each other. There are also two guys I like. One of them I like very much. I guess this is bringing out my anxiety.

 

Anyone else feel like this? I wonder why the 'universe' would give someone something they dont need.

I think someone has to be a little unhappy with being single to want to date.

 

This is my "problem" in life. When I split with my ex I hated living alone as before that I'd always been a part of something bigger than myself. I'd just moved away from the town I called home so she could be close to her family and so knew nobody in the area. She'd also dumped 100k of debt on me and left me with 40 animals to care for (we ran a rescue home). The upshot was I spent the first three years of being single in near solitude. I worked every daylight hour to clear the debt, alone, and couldn't really go out on evenings and weekends because of the critters.

 

A neighbour, an old girl I got to know, warned me about getting to like living alone, being single and solitude too much. Thirteen years on, still single, haven't bothered with dating for years and way too comfortable being on my own. It's both healthy and not healthy. You can get too tough, too independent, too free, too comfortable with your own self and thoughts. Your strengths are your weaknesses.

 

Two Christmas's ago I had five invites to spend the day with friends or family. I turned them all down because I wanted to spend the day hill climbing, alone, in f*ck awful weather. Thoroughly enjoyed myself but it ain't good for you, not in the long run. Solitude is perhaps the greatest educator there is, but it's also a temptress, a mistress. Damned hard to quit once you fall for her.

[Brooke02]

I've always found that phrase to be a bit of happy horseshyte personally. I agree that yeah, you have to be a healthy person who can take care of themselves and have personal interests, but some of us will NEVER be happy alone. For some of us, the basic human condition of living in tribes or family units or partnerships will always seem " natural".

 

 

Im ok alone, but don't know if I can be 100% happy. I feel the same as above, I need to feel natural, have somebody. I agree with what someone else said about settling if your not happy.

But my question is how do you change your mindset when all you can think about is how lonely you are, missing someone but you don't know who, wishing you had someone. It just gets so dang lonely.

Ya people tell you family, friends, etc... But it's NOT the same. I have hobbies and things I like to do, but it still feels like something (someone) is missing from my life.

[thefooloftheyear]

Yes, but what happens if youre too happy being alone?

 

I feel like I should date someone, but Ive become very happy doing what I want when I want.

 

Then stay alone....*shrug*

 

There is no rulebook here...I have a buddy of mine that lives all alone....He's in his mid 50's and I know he's had a gf or two in the past, but for as long as I can remember he has been alone...He seems very happy..He is dedicated to his work and I know he isnt gay...He may be finding ways to get laid, I dunno, but he seems perfectly content to go solo...

 

Its not for everyone...

 

TFY

[preraph]

Yes, but what happens if youre too happy being alone?

 

I feel like I should date someone, but Ive become very happy doing what I want when I want.

 

I've always been that way. All that means is, date someone if you feel like it and don't if you don't!

 

Yes, you will have to make small concessions in order to keep even a friendship going and sometimes do some small things you'd rather not, but I don't ever agree to go do anything I truly don't want to do.

 

For example, my friend once drug me to a toy store for old comics and action figures. She stayed in there an hour while I stood there with nowhere to sit and my leg hurting. I will never ever agree to go there with her again. This same friend kept trying to palm off this old male friend of hers on me who called her too much and was really needy. If he found out I was at her house when he called, he'd ask to talk to me. I would get off the phone asap. I just told her straight up that I already knew just from everything she'd said about him keeping her up at night when he'd visit instead of going home a decent hour and from how pushy he was that I didn't EVEN want to meet him and just refused to do it.

 

When younger, if I didn't feel strong enough to go get into my parents' drama at certain holidays, I just didn't.

 

I don't do baby showers, for instance or kid parties of any kind.

 

If you are dating someone and they like sports but you hate sports, you have to let them know that and let them take other people or watch games with other people. You don't have to stick to them like glue.

 

I've always done only what I wanted to do, but I've never left anyone waiting or said "yes" or "maybe" when I meant "no" and was always responsible and on time and didn't make anyone mad about it. I never weaseled out of stuff; I just would tell them flat out I didn't want to. I've really never had it be a problem because I'm up front about it.

[JuneJulySeptember]

"...before you can be happy with someone else."

 

How true is this?

 

Its just not very true for me. Im happy and have adapted to being single.

Now its to where not only am I happy to do activities alone,I prefer doing things alone.

 

Ive also had an influx of prospects. An ex tried to come back, then another guy who has known me for years decided he wanted to date me. Those incidences happened within days of each other. There are also two guys I like. One of them I like very much. I guess this is bringing out my anxiety.

 

Anyone else feel like this? I wonder why the 'universe' would give someone something they dont need.

I think someone has to be a little unhappy with being single to want to date.

 

I think way too much is made of ALL of the psychological mumbo jumbo.on this forum and others.

 

We are born, we live and we die.

 

Some of us are have meaningful relationships. Others are born hideous and will never know the touch of another person of the opposite sex.

 

Humans are social animals. If you are lonely, then having a mate and a family can fill that void, certainly.

[Brooke02]

I think way too much is made of ALL of the psychological mumbo jumbo.on this forum and others.

 

We are born, we live and we die.

 

Some of us are have meaningful relationships. Others are born hideous and will never know the touch of another person of the opposite sex.

 

Humans are social animals. If you are lonely, then having a mate and a family can fill that void, certainly.

 

........TooShay!!.....

[irc333]

It's a cliche' just like, "It'll happen when you stop looking" even though you DO need to be looking for it to happen.

 

These are just phrases stated in order to make us feel better about our singleness.

 

 

"...before you can be happy with someone else."

 

How true is this?

 

Its just not very true for me. Im happy and have adapted to being single.

Now its to where not only am I happy to do activities alone,I prefer doing things alone.

 

Ive also had an influx of prospects. An ex tried to come back, then another guy who has known me for years decided he wanted to date me. Those incidences happened within days of each other. There are also two guys I like. One of them I like very much. I guess this is bringing out my anxiety.

 

Anyone else feel like this? I wonder why the 'universe' would give someone something they dont need.

I think someone has to be a little unhappy with being single to want to date.

[sillyanswer]

"...before you can be happy with someone else."

 

How true is this?

 

One way in which it is true for some people is that some other people don't wish to date unhappy people.

[hotpotato]

This is my "problem" in life. When I split with my ex I hated living alone as before that I'd always been a part of something bigger than myself. I'd just moved away from the town I called home so she could be close to her family and so knew nobody in the area. She'd also dumped 100k of debt on me and left me with 40 animals to care for (we ran a rescue home). The upshot was I spent the first three years of being single in near solitude. I worked every daylight hour to clear the debt, alone, and couldn't really go out on evenings and weekends because of the critters.

 

A neighbour, an old girl I got to know, warned me about getting to like living alone, being single and solitude too much. Thirteen years on, still single, haven't bothered with dating for years and way too comfortable being on my own. It's both healthy and not healthy. You can get too tough, too independent, too free, too comfortable with your own self and thoughts. Your strengths are your weaknesses.

 

Two Christmas's ago I had five invites to spend the day with friends or family. I turned them all down because I wanted to spend the day hill climbing, alone, in f*ck awful weather. Thoroughly enjoyed myself but it ain't good for you, not in the long run. Solitude is perhaps the greatest educator there is, but it's also a temptress, a mistress. Damned hard to quit once you fall for her.

 

It is really hard to quit. Sometimes I think I should have kept dating after my last relationship ended. I was only going to take a few months off, but the months are becoming years.

[Allumere]

I'm extremely unhappy being single and when I had a girlfriend for six months, I felt like I was in heaven.

 

Funny how you mentioned the universe giving you things you don't need. I feel that the universe is keeping things I need away from me. Or even better is that it gives me a taste, and then rips it away.

 

It has given you goals that will serve you later rather than sooner. Trust my friend, just trust.