sex on first date...

[notyouraveragebabe]

I'll try to keep this short, but need some advice. I been single for 2 years, dated, but never got serious. Was in a 10 year relationship with my high school sweetheart. I abstain from sex for 2 years after I broke up with my HS sweetheart. I went out randomly one night to a bar and met this really good looking guy. I know a bar! It was his birthday, so he was there for that reason. We immediately hit it off. Sounds like we want the same things. He asked what I did for a living. We actually have so much in common. He's a firefighter and I am an ER nurse in the same county. Funny thing is he comes to my hospital and saw me a few times. We exchanged numbers and he called the next day. He was planning on having lunch with me, but never followed through. He then texted and I was leaving for Bali on vacation for 3 weeks. We communicated while I was in Bali for 3 weeks.

 

While I was there he asked when I was coming back and set a date with me. I came home and that night he called and wanted to go on a date that night. I agreed. He picked me up, paid was a gentlemen. We had a good time. I invited him in after the date (which I shouldn't have). We watched a movie. I told him that I wasn't going to sleep with him. He kept trying, so we ended up hooking up. It's been 2 years since I had sex, so I figured why not. Second guy I ever been with, so yes my emotions are all over the place.

 

I didn't know if he was going to call me the next day, so I waited. He worked all day and text me when he got off. We talked he made plans to see me again. I texted again the next day. We text for 3 days and came over 4 days later for a lunch date and we hooked up again. Its all sex now! So I gave him the talk on date number 2.

 

I don't know if it was too soon and I might have scared him away, but I just told him. Hey, I hooked up with you early, but I'm not that type of woman. I want to not have sex and get to know each other. He seems to act weird at this time. Then he said he was ok with it, but didn't sound truthful to me.

 

I didn't hear from him for 2 days. I didn't text him either. So finally 3 days later he texted asked what I was up to. I wasn't happy about how he treated me so i texted him 8 hours later and kept it short with simple answers. He texted for an hour and probably realized I wasn't engaging. I didn't reply for 24 hours and he just stopped after that.

 

So I realized I do like him, but I don't want to be a booty call. I texted him 3 days later and he responded instantly. We texted all day, but he made no plans to see me. I stopped texting him for 3 more days. I texted him and same thing, responded right away, but no plans to see me. Is he not interested? Is he keeping me around for sex? I don't know what to do. I have plenty of guys that would treat me better and he knows this. He knows a lot of guys are interested in me from work and I choose him. Should I still text? I texted him saying I was starting a new job in another ER and was nervous about it. He told me I'll do great, but didn't follow up the next day to see how I did. So I figured he didn't care. I figured if he was interested he would text me and ask. So I stopped all communications with him.

[evanescentworld]

All I get in your post is the repeated word 'text'.

 

Any chance you two might actually verbalise your thoughts, meet up and actually TALK about this??

 

I'm sorry, but texts are fine for short, brief sweet messages - but discussing values, desires, goals, plans....?! Jeesh!

 

It needs PROPER Communication!

[notyouraveragebabe]

He never called. He only called to ask me out on a date and before picking me up. Should I have called him?

[evanescentworld]

MEET!! Talk face to face!!

 

Dammitall, if you guys have seen fit to be physically intimate enough to have had sex, then meeting face to face to discuss something this vital is a no-brainer!

 

Forget the phone - actually make a date with the guy, and spend the time talking and clearing the air!

[notyouraveragebabe]

MEET!! Talk face to face!!

 

Dammitall, if you guys have seen fit to be physically intimate enough to have had sex, then meeting face to face to discuss something this vital is a no-brainer!

 

Forget the phone - actually make a date with the guy, and spend the time talking and clearing the air!

 

Rejection sucks, but I'll give him a ring and ask if he wants to meet for coffee. If he declines, I'll be hurt, but at least I know right? Instead of wonder. He could be the one.

[evanescentworld]

"Hi, could we meet and grab a bite to eat? I have so much to talk about, and I'd love to share something with you! How about it? name me a day when you're free!"

 

Get his curiosity going.

 

On the date, tell him that the 'so much to talk about' is how interested you are in him, and what feelings you have, but you don't want him to get the wrong idea about you.

 

The 'love to share' is your time and company.

 

If he rejects you after that, because plainly, all he may want is just a casual, no-strings-attached' liaison, then you know where you stand, and you can either decide to stick it out, or give it up as something you have a difference of opinion on.

 

But if you decide you have different objectives, make it plain he was extremely lucky to have you, because you don't intend to be a repeat performance just to keep him happy.

[SycamoreCircle]

I know it has been two years, but you don't sound ready.

 

You sleep with him, then regret it. Try to "take it back" and become frenzied when he doesn't respond to you in what you deem a timely fashion.

 

You sound confused.

 

Are you sure you're ready for this?

[CarrieT]

Yep, too much texting and not enough actual communicating.

 

And the whole hooking up on the first two dates and THEN dialing it back - via text, no less - is beyond lame.

 

Be the girl you want to be and not a hook-up. Wait for him to contact you again (if he does) and DON'T HAVE SEX.

 

Get to know each other as people! Not appendages to your phones... Put The Phone Down! You are already acting like a psycho-girlfriend and no guy wants that.

 

If there are plenty of guys who will treat you better, than let them; you have already pushed this one away.

[bathtub-row]

You're trying to undo your mess-up and it's not likely to happen. Men don't give a fig about what you say, they care about what you do. What your actions told him is that you can be talked into sex if he's persistent enough. I'm not judging you for that, I'm just saying this is what he learned. It is very hard, if not impossible, to take back a first impression. I know that's not what you want to hear but it's true.

 

I think calling him is a bad idea, but that's just me. What I would do, instead, is that the next time he texts you, just answer him within an hour or so and keep it brief - but still be friendly with him. Let him ask you out again if he's interested and just have a date without all the heavy conversation. If the topic of sex comes up, which it will, just say something really briefly that reminds him about you wanting to get to know him first. End of story. And do not let his persistence for sex pay off next time. You're getting way too serious about a relationship that has barely begun, and heavy-duty conversations this early on cast a shadow on things.

 

And I agree with the others. You teach people how to treat you and constant texting is a bad way to start.

[CarrieT]

You're getting way too serious about a relationship that has barely begun, and heavy-duty conversations this early on cast a shadow on things.

 

And I agree with the others. You teach people how to treat you and constant texting is a bad way to start.

 

Repeated for truth.

[notyouraveragebabe]

Yep, too much texting and not enough actual communicating.

 

And the whole hooking up on the first two dates and THEN dialing it back - via text, no less - is beyond lame.

 

Be the girl you want to be and not a hook-up. Wait for him to contact you again (if he does) and DON'T HAVE SEX.

 

Get to know each other as people! Not appendages to your phones... Put The Phone Down! You are already acting like a psycho-girlfriend and no guy wants that.

 

If there are plenty of guys who will treat you better, than let them; you have already pushed this one away.

 

Not that it helps, but I talked to him in person about slowing things down. Anyways, I'm glad I read this before I called him and made a fool out of myself. If he really was interested I would know. I wouldn't be on the thread asking for advice because a man who knows what he wants would have made the move. He's just not that into me We always want what we can't have. Other than his good looks he was a dud anyways. I'm better off without this dud. Time to move on to the next. Lesson learned- rule of thumb don't give the cookie too soon.

[notyouraveragebabe]

You're trying to undo your mess-up and it's not likely to happen. Men don't give a fig about what you say, they care about what you do. What your actions told him is that you can be talked into sex if he's persistent enough. I'm not judging you for that, I'm just saying this is what he learned. It is very hard, if not impossible, to take back a first impression. I know that's not what you want to hear but it's true.

 

I think calling him is a bad idea, but that's just me. What I would do, instead, is that the next time he texts you, just answer him within an hour or so and keep it brief - but still be friendly with him. Let him ask you out again if he's interested and just have a date without all the heavy conversation. If the topic of sex comes up, which it will, just say something really briefly that reminds him about you wanting to get to know him first. End of story. And do not let his persistence for sex pay off next time. You're getting way too serious about a relationship that has barely begun, and heavy-duty conversations this early on cast a shadow on things.

 

And I agree with the others. You teach people how to treat you and constant texting is a bad way to start.

 

I don't think I am getting too serious. I can't help, but want him to feel the same way back. I do agree with not contacting him. I really don't think he's even interested because he would contact me. Its been over a week. He responds if I text him, but again its words and not actions. He hasn't asked me out on any dates since.

[Ruffian1]

Don't contact him. He knows you want him for more than just sex.

 

 

Perhaps he does not feel the same. Action over words.

 

 

If he is interested in you for more than sex, he would be contacting you.

Protect your heart.

 

 

I don't think you two are on the same page.

 

 

Let it go.

[oldshirt]

Not that it helps, but I talked to him in person about slowing things down. Anyways, I'm glad I read this before I called him and made a fool out of myself. If he really was interested I would know. I wouldn't be on the thread asking for advice because a man who knows what he wants would have made the move. He's just not that into me We always want what we can't have. Other than his good looks he was a dud anyways. I'm better off without this dud. Time to move on to the next. Lesson learned- rule of thumb don't give the cookie too soon.

 

This just sounds like sour grapes to me.

 

I do think he was interested in you at least to some degree or he would've walked a long time ago.

 

I don't mean this to sound like a put down or pointing fingers but you sound like a teenage girl who made out with the quarterback after the big game and are now sitting around fretting if he will ask you to the homecoming dance or not.

 

This is a case of poor communication, assumptions and lack of assertion of your basic wants and intentions.

 

I don't think your two years of self-imposed moratorium on dating has really done you any favors. You spent ten years with a high school sweetheart and then two years of hiatus and now you are i am assuming in your upper 20s but still texting like a high school girl and waiting to get asked out to the big dance.

 

You liked this guy and had a good chemistry with him. Did either of you play things perfectly by the book??? No, but if see no actual foul here either.

 

If I was him, I would just think you were flakey and a bit immature and would kind of write you off as a near-miss. I think there is a chance he thinks you are interested in him and aren't really taking him seriously either.

 

Nothing you have said screams out to me that he is an actual player per se, but I think we can assume he has opportunities with a variety of more experienced and street savy women with experience that is more commensurate with their age.

 

My advice is to suck it up and meet with him face to face (coffee date if you will) and just be open and upfront with him.

 

Risk rejection. Risk feeling awkward and uncomfortable.

 

He may decline to advance in to anything more substantial but at this point you are dead in the water if you do nothing so you really don't have anything to lose.

[Scales]

I'll try to keep this short, but need some advice. I been single for 2 years, dated, but never got serious. Was in a 10 year relationship with my high school sweetheart. I abstain from sex for 2 years after I broke up with my HS sweetheart. I went out randomly one night to a bar and met this really good looking guy. I know a bar! It was his birthday, so he was there for that reason. We immediately hit it off. Sounds like we want the same things. He asked what I did for a living. We actually have so much in common. He's a firefighter and I am an ER nurse in the same county. Funny thing is he comes to my hospital and saw me a few times. We exchanged numbers and he called the next day. He was planning on having lunch with me, but never followed through. He then texted and I was leaving for Bali on vacation for 3 weeks. We communicated while I was in Bali for 3 weeks.

 

While I was there he asked when I was coming back and set a date with me. I came home and that night he called and wanted to go on a date that night. I agreed. He picked me up, paid was a gentlemen. We had a good time. I invited him in after the date (which I shouldn't have). We watched a movie. I told him that I wasn't going to sleep with him. He kept trying, so we ended up hooking up. It's been 2 years since I had sex, so I figured why not. Second guy I ever been with, so yes my emotions are all over the place.

 

I didn't know if he was going to call me the next day, so I waited. He worked all day and text me when he got off. We talked he made plans to see me again. I texted again the next day. We text for 3 days and came over 4 days later for a lunch date and we hooked up again. Its all sex now! So I gave him the talk on date number 2.

 

I don't know if it was too soon and I might have scared him away, but I just told him. Hey, I hooked up with you early, but I'm not that type of woman. I want to not have sex and get to know each other. He seems to act weird at this time. Then he said he was ok with it, but didn't sound truthful to me.

 

I didn't hear from him for 2 days. I didn't text him either. So finally 3 days later he texted asked what I was up to. I wasn't happy about how he treated me so i texted him 8 hours later and kept it short with simple answers. He texted for an hour and probably realized I wasn't engaging. I didn't reply for 24 hours and he just stopped after that.

 

So I realized I do like him, but I don't want to be a booty call. I texted him 3 days later and he responded instantly. We texted all day, but he made no plans to see me. I stopped texting him for 3 more days. I texted him and same thing, responded right away, but no plans to see me. Is he not interested? Is he keeping me around for sex? I don't know what to do. I have plenty of guys that would treat me better and he knows this. He knows a lot of guys are interested in me from work and I choose him. Should I still text? I texted him saying I was starting a new job in another ER and was nervous about it. He told me I'll do great, but didn't follow up the next day to see how I did. So I figured he didn't care. I figured if he was interested he would text me and ask. So I stopped all communications with him.

 

Dialing back sex after a first date lay is not a card you can play at that point. You are trying to push things into a relationship which he can pick up on. Honesty though, what's wrong with just having sex with him? Was it not good? Are you putting your need to have a relationship and get married ahead of letting things just flow?

 

If you know you have so many guys who would treat you better, why don't you just be with one them? The answer is simple. Those are the guys who aren't attractive at all. They are super duds. You shouldn't feel bad about having sex on the first date or think that's why isn't interested. I usually only want to date girls who I can get with the first night. Why? Because it shows genuine interest on the first interaction. The truth is at some point all girls will, at some point, sleep with a guy immediately after meeting him or have wanted to. If you're the guy who has to wait 4-5 dates to get some, she doesn't respect you as much as that other guy nor does she share the same amount of attraction. When you suddenly take the sex away, it's a clear sign of game playing, neediness, and an overall invitation to find someone else. Not enough time has passed to form a bond outside of sex at this point.

[mr_dave]

Why? Because it shows genuine interest on the first interaction. The truth is at some point all girls will, at some point, sleep with a guy immediately after meeting him or have wanted to. If you're the guy who has to wait 4-5 dates to get some, she doesn't respect you as much as that other guy nor does she share the same amount of attraction.

 

I concur with this. It's probably why I wouldn't date a girl who has had one nighters, because I'm not the kind of guy to do that myself. Unless.. it were obvious that I would have been afforded the same courtesy. If I found out a girl I was dating had done this before, I'd be pretty disappointed. Who wants to start off a relationship feeling inferior to a load of random guys?

[notyouraveragebabe]

This just sounds like sour grapes to me.

 

I do think he was interested in you at least to some degree or he would've walked a long time ago.

 

I don't mean this to sound like a put down or pointing fingers but you sound like a teenage girl who made out with the quarterback after the big game and are now sitting around fretting if he will ask you to the homecoming dance or not.

 

This is a case of poor communication, assumptions and lack of assertion of your basic wants and intentions.

 

I don't think your two years of self-imposed moratorium on dating has really done you any favors. You spent ten years with a high school sweetheart and then two years of hiatus and now you are i am assuming in your upper 20s but still texting like a high school girl and waiting to get asked out to the big dance.

 

You liked this guy and had a good chemistry with him. Did either of you play things perfectly by the book??? No, but if see no actual foul here either.

 

If I was him, I would just think you were flakey and a bit immature and would kind of write you off as a near-miss. I think there is a chance he thinks you are interested in him and aren't really taking him seriously either.

 

Nothing you have said screams out to me that he is an actual player per se, but I think we can assume he has opportunities with a variety of more experienced and street savy women with experience that is more commensurate with their age.

 

My advice is to suck it up and meet with him face to face (coffee date if you will) and just be open and upfront with him.

 

Risk rejection. Risk feeling awkward and uncomfortable.

 

He may decline to advance in to anything more substantial but at this point you are dead in the water if you do nothing so you really don't have anything to lose.

 

It sounds bad, but I totally agree with my "immaturity" in dating. I am very new to dating and don't know how to date. Any advice on how to be a better dater?

[Redhead14]

I have plenty of guys that would treat me better and he knows this. He knows a lot of guys are interested in me from work and I choose him. Should I still text? I texted him saying I was starting a new job in another ER and was nervous about it. He told me I'll do great, but didn't follow up the next day to see how I did. So I figured he didn't care. I figured if he was interested he would text me and ask. So I stopped all communications with him.

 

Don't communicate with him anymore. If he picks things up and you are still interested, then go down that road again. I'd say keep dating others, enjoy your time with them and don't look back. Don't have sex on the first date no matter how much fun you've had, no matter how attractive they are. You cannot uncross a bridge. Give each other enough time to know that if you've slept with each other, that isn't going to change things. or be the basis for your relationship going forward.

Edited October 29, 2014 by Redhead14