Reasons some people are late bloomers when dating

[irc333]

I've been noticing an influx of threads (mostly of men), that are 28, 32 (late 20s/early 30's) that have never had a girlfriend or something to that affect. And their concerns is, just like when applying for credit, you NEED credit in order to get credit....such as the analogy.

 

Anyhow, chances are the characters of these gentlemen are that they were likely, for instance, were members of the chess or science club, so they were nerdy and weren't the type to score with a cheerleader underneath the football bleachers. They never did prom or if they did, the came alone.

 

Also it takes someone to have some kind of mutual interest in you, and simply enough as well as obviously enough these gentlemen never had a woman show any kind of remote interest in them. It takes two to tango. He may have attempted to ask women out, but they weren't entirely impressed with his Chess Club status or the fact he one first place in a science fair.

 

They weren't entirely popular.

 

Obviously these types never had a girlfriend in high school...while freshman girls had senior aged boyfriends.

 

Come college time, pretty much the same drill, there's a certain level of maturity...but if you weren't one of the college partying types that didn't squander your parents tuition money, that a eliminated a good amount of prospects. I recall a few women contracting STDs in college due to spreading their legs for any frat boy when under the influence.

 

So that's 8 years of dateless Saturday nights...then right after that, you're into adulthood but you still have to transition into finding someone, because after college, the dating pool goes down significantly.

 

They can't be judged as socially awkward or weak, they just didn't have the same kind of interests that were considered cool/appealing.

 

Any thoughts on why so many people haven't had a sig other when reaching up into their 30s?

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

Well, lets see here why I chose not to date...

 

My maturity was too great for my age group, and I knew I was different and did not bother to try to fit in. You can't make a square peg fit a round hole no matter how well you dress it up.

 

I waited for peeps around me to be compatible in growth and diversity.

 

Since I was very shy, all what I was never was shown on the outside. Even though I knew I found who I was, I never liked being labeled in any way. So when peeps thought I fit in one way or another, I'd change to throw them off. Actually I was too diverse for most, as even if I were to open up, I'd still change just because I was always dynamic, just liked to not show it.

 

Kind of odd that even though I hid, I ended up showing myself through time.

 

Being popular was not my forte, as I went to great lengths to not be pictured in activities and group pictures. I was the most unknown popular guy in school. Knew more peeps than the most popular guy or girl did, just did hid it from view so to speak. I guess it threw em off seeing a preppy hang with the bleacher creatures and then change to being laid back surf dude the next year messing with Physics and droping classes as I had already had enough credits to graduate.

 

Peeps put too much emphasis in the norm, when there is no real norm about anything. Just we are use to putting anything with rounded features through the round hole in life. Many can be forced but I made sure I had corners and am happy I made them strong to keep me the way I am.

 

If anything the years of being alone are nothing, as the years I have with someone that I fit perfectly with as they do with me, makes up for being alone. As each day we share is worth a month. So who is to say just because you don't do life within the norm you cannot have a rounded life.

[JuneJulySeptember]

I think if a guy is just not that physically attractive to women, he can easily find himself in his 30s and well beyond without ever having a GF.

 

Such guys really need to be aggressive with women. Meeting women through normal avenues such as school and work probably does not get it done.

 

Personally, I can think of three or four such guys off the top of my head. They entered their 30s without ever having anything. One decided to be all balls out, and he has had some success since then. The others just kind of go about their business. If they continue doing that, it's likely they will never get a woman.

[fortyninethousand322]

Well, the weird thing is that even though I like chess and intellectual pursuits, I also like sports and athletic endeavors. Women don't tend to be impressed by either.

 

In my opinion, unless you've been busy curing cancer or stashing up a huge stockpile of cash in your younger years, there's really no good reason to be a late bloomer. Any by "late bloomer" I mean 25 or older.

 

Learning to date is a bit like learning to ride a bike. It's easier to learn when you're younger, because you're usually not self aware and if you make mistakes you'r no different than anyone else. But when you learn later, you become aware of your mistakes or the potential for mistakes and the mistakes you make are not the ones everyone else is making. Just like falling off your bike when you're 7 is normal. Falling off when you're 22, not so much.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

Well, the weird thing is that even though I like chess and intellectual pursuits, I also like sports and athletic endeavors. Women don't tend to be impressed by either.

 

In my opinion, unless you've been busy curing cancer or stashing up a huge stockpile of cash in your younger years, there's really no good reason to be a late bloomer. Any by "late bloomer" I mean 25 or older.

 

Learning to date is a bit like learning to ride a bike. It's easier to learn when you're younger, because you're usually not self aware and if you make mistakes you'r no different than anyone else. But when you learn later, you become aware of your mistakes or the potential for mistakes and the mistakes you make are not the ones everyone else is making. Just like falling off your bike when you're 7 is normal. Falling off when you're 22, not so much.

 

That does not make any sense.

 

I see many peeps who have not dated much and find their first real love in their early 20's and go on to be married for 20+ years.

 

Then I see peeps who all they do is date and feel why me.

 

I chose to wait for the right time when my chances would be better than to squander special things about myself with someone and feel they all were for not, just because I knew peeps change especially before they hit 30.

 

What I mean by squander is, when you share something special deeply about you over and over again to see it mean nothing. Each time you share it, it seems less and less special. As it was given so many times. I am sure many women can understand. As I always believed there will be a time when I found a woman who truly saw me, without having to explain who I am. Many feel that can't be done. Yet siblings don't go about explaining themselves to each other, they pickup details by how they are around each other. I see more communication by how peeps are around me than the words they say. In fact I see words as a distraction most of the time, when around peeps I don't know.

 

I did not want to be part of unknown personal growth changes. I like growth changes where peeps who know themselves allow more growth by finding things together that only true love can allow.

 

Look at young peeps who believe so much about their freedoms, and abilities when trying their best to achieve so much. Only come to realize things are not as simple and as fun as they were growing up to be mature. Then they end up not satisfied by their lives.

 

For me I realized early, to have a full and wonderful relationship, you must be satisfied with who you are and with your life. If that is not, then how do you expect your relationship to be satisfying. If it is, then it is not a real relationship, it is a dependency.

 

Peeps are just plain too dependent. Either by relationships, drugs, excitement, and other things to fulfill their emotional needs that they have not met or cannot get be happy.

 

Maybe I am too independent, or just a simple person with needs. But I allow everything unhindered in my few relationships. Only the first two were because I believed that by doing what they expected of me in how go about a relationship, they would love me as I loved them. It was hell, and saved my last at bat for the woman who allowed my ways of being simple to fill her heart and love me as I love her.

 

Just can't feel happy about early dating. rules of engaging a relationship change as you grow older. Limitations are lifted as you grow older. So, either way some need experience and others are mentally experienced.

[Disillusioned]

My biggest stumbling block has been the whole nonverbal, say-it-without-saying-it thing.

 

I never "got" flirting, and never will, because I live in a different universe, one where people say what they mean, nobody has ESP, and it's ok to just ask for affection if you need it. As a result, women in general have tagged me as a bad person, one to avoid at all costs. It's like I'm walking around wearing a sandwich sign that says DANGER---DO NOT LOVE ME.

 

I even tried to look myself up on dontdatehimgirl to see if someone put me on the list, but apparently that site has become inactive.

 

Love has been the real casualty in the War Between the Sexes. Clearly, humans still have a long way to go.

[carhill]

Any thoughts on why so many people haven't had a sig other when reaching up into their 30s?

 

I doubt it applies to 'so many people' as IME it's a marked minority of people who haven't had a SO by their 30's, but one reason which comes to mind, reflecting on life and watching others in my social circle parent and grandparent, is the teaching of dating behaviors from any early age. Essentially, 'play dating', heterosexual style, from well before children are old enough to have the parts and hormones which impel dating/mating behaviors.

 

If one watches parents encourage and guide young Johnny and Jane as 'boyfriend/girlfriend' and support age appropriate and innocent social interactions of that type, the behaviors and zone of comfort become both familiar and engrained. If those aspects aren't socialized, perhaps in favor of other aspects of 'growing up', then the young adolescent experiencing peer integration has few customs and guidelines and intrinsic behavioral sets to fall back upon. Everything is strange and unfamiliar, exacerbated by all the normal upheavals of adolescent life. Barring any marked corrections or resolutions, it's quite reasonable to see this lack of understanding proceeding, at marked disadvantage to those who do 'get it', well into adult life, until the person figures it out on their own. Some take a long time, hence the term 'late bloomer'.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

My biggest stumbling block has been the whole nonverbal, say-it-without-saying-it thing.

 

I never "got" flirting, and never will, because I live in a different universe, one where people say what they mean, nobody has ESP, and it's ok to just ask for affection if you need it. As a result, women in general have tagged me as a bad person, one to avoid at all costs. It's like I'm walking around wearing a sandwich sign that says DANGER---DO NOT LOVE ME.

 

I even tried to look myself up on dontdatehimgirl to see if someone put me on the list, but apparently that site has become inactive.

 

Love has been the real casualty in the War Between the Sexes. Clearly, humans still have a long way to go.

 

HA! Same here... though I can pickup on peeps fairly well but I can't figure out flirtation and why? I never had a person I know flirt or thought of being flirty. I guess I thought of them being funny in a quirky way. So, I usually joke along with them.

 

I think dating has too many expectations going on. Only if blind dates were as true as the expression states. Then we'd be able stop worrying about what to wear and were we go, just get to know each other.

 

Funny thing is I am pretty shy, and my SM is as well. She is outgoing and I am laid back. Imagine two shy peeps together dating. Not much would be said if anything. Bore the pants right off her, but we'd have fun none the less! HA!

[somedude81]

In my case, I grew up with depression, low self-confidence, acne throughout high school, and I was short. Plus I had "nerdy" interests like video games and anime. Girls pretty much despised me.

 

It took me a long time to catch up to the social skills of normal people. Even now it's something I'm still working on.

 

As such, I didn't get my first GF till I was 31.

[Disillusioned]

I doubt it applies to 'so many people' as IME it's a marked minority of people who haven't had a SO by their 30's, but one reason which comes to mind, reflecting on life and watching others in my social circle parent and grandparent, is the teaching of dating behaviors from any early age. Essentially, 'play dating', heterosexual style, from well before children are old enough to have the parts and hormones which impel dating/mating behaviors.

 

If one watches parents encourage and guide young Johnny and Jane as 'boyfriend/girlfriend' and support age appropriate and innocent social interactions of that type, the behaviors and zone of comfort become both familiar and engrained. If those aspects aren't socialized, perhaps in favor of other aspects of 'growing up', then the young adolescent experiencing peer integration has few customs and guidelines and intrinsic behavioral sets to fall back upon. Everything is strange and unfamiliar, exacerbated by all the normal upheavals of adolescent life. Barring any marked corrections or resolutions, it's quite reasonable to see this lack of understanding proceeding, at marked disadvantage to those who do 'get it', well into adult life, until the person figures it out on their own. Some take a long time, hence the term 'late bloomer'.

 

This makes more sense than practically any of the other posts I've read on LS.

 

You hit the nail on the head. Dating/finding the One/whatever you want to call it is a different game than what those of us who were born before the 1990s were taught. I never understood how the old "game" was supposed to work unless everyone had ESP, but man oh man, do I ever understand it's a new game now, and we all have to learn it if we're going to win a prize one day.

 

You know, I can see why you've had a tough time finding the right woman... you're too smart.

[OwMyEyeball]

My teens and 20s were marked by cycling bouts of clinical depression which pulled me out of any social scene for months at a time. I was also painfully shy and absolutely terrified of talking to attractive women. I would have rather approached a Grizzly than ask a woman out. Or at least a black bear. The chance run ins I had with those confirmed that I was less frightened of them than good looking women.

 

I'm not really sure where the fear came from. I always felt as though I could never measure up - that I was never good enough. Growing up, my older sister treated me as her arch-nemesis and would take any opportunity she could to put me down. Being naturally sensitive, that probably did a lot more damage than the usual sibling rivalry would have.

 

I had nothing going against me in terms of opportunities - looking back I had plenty, including girls pretty much demanding that I date them

 

Dating for me came naturally, in the sense that from the very first date onward I didn't feel any anxiety and felt completely at ease. Self-confidence and self-esteem were sky high.

[xxoo]

I doubt it applies to 'so many people' as IME it's a marked minority of people who haven't had a SO by their 30's, but one reason which comes to mind, reflecting on life and watching others in my social circle parent and grandparent, is the teaching of dating behaviors from any early age. Essentially, 'play dating', heterosexual style, from well before children are old enough to have the parts and hormones which impel dating/mating behaviors.

 

As a mother, I can see these social behaviors developing as early as elementary school. Some kids don't succeed the same way, for whatever reasons.

 

I distinctly remember in middle and high school, and see now in similar aged kids, cases where efforts to reach out were met with awkward, antisocial responses. Some of this is demonstrated in comedic form on The Big Bang Theory. Every girl remembers boys like that in school. After one or two attempts to be friendly, well meaning girls get discouraged and stop trying.

[carhill]

I have to laugh, retrospectively, at one wonderful example with a lovely young lady whom I had the pleasure to grow up with, who happened to be a tomboy, and fit in perfectly with the predominantly male kids on our community 'block'. Whether it was climbing trees, getting into mischief or playing pickup football, she was right there with us. My first inking of things being 'different' for myself was watching the other boys 'change' in how they interacted with her, this being around age 9-10, whereas I continued on treating her like 'one of the guys'.

 

They started commenting on her body (she was starting the first signs of puberty) and started treating her less like 'one of the guys' and more like what we'd later call a dating partner when our bits were more developed. That was my first inkling that life was about to become a bit different. The laugh part was I was still tackling her like one of the guys and the other guys were tackling her to feel her up. Kids! TBH, I still see the same behavioral sets in my fellow males today, most married for decades. They still eye any strange (unknown) woman up and down like the sexual being she is and my first response is still one of a peer first, sexual being later. So, in that sense, one late bloomer aspect never left my psyche. Had I been blessed with a son, my first job would have been correcting this error in my socialization, as well as sharing with him what to watch out for with women, something else I didn't get at father's knee. Perhaps that's the irony. The same aspects which impelled the late blooming also impelled the inhibition/inability of passing on those life lessons to progeny. It's interesting how life works out.

 

Overall, I think 'late bloomers' are a combination of nature (intrinsic genetic personality/psychology) and nurture (parenting/socialization/peer integration), combined with personal choice (one's choices based on life experience as one matures). Each path is unique. When we've seen on 'late bloomer', we've seen one late bloomer.

[irc333]

Carhill, that story sounds similar mind, BUT the other way around. I was in the 7th grade...and I was at the "Girls got cooties" stage still or was just at that point where I liked "girls" but was very shy...so it was a mix between the 2.

 

Anyhow, there were these 7th grade ladies that knew I was very shy around them...and they started to feel me up. LOL They didn't nasty like touch me in the private parts, but rub their fingers through my hair, rub on my back and arms and stomach.

 

It made me uncomfortable, because I wasn't ready to "like" women yet I supppose.

 

The other horn dog peers of mine were like "Dude, what's wrong with you? Didn't you like that??"

 

I was like "I dunno."

 

And that's it. I think those ladies were attempting to usher me into manhood or something. lol

 

 

 

I have to laugh, retrospectively, at one wonderful example with a lovely young lady whom I had the pleasure to grow up with, who happened to be a tomboy, and fit in perfectly with the predominantly male kids on our community 'block'. Whether it was climbing trees, getting into mischief or playing pickup football, she was right there with us. My first inking of things being 'different' for myself was watching the other boys 'change' in how they interacted with her, this being around age 9-10, whereas I continued on treating her like 'one of the guys'.

 

They started commenting on her body (she was starting the first signs of puberty) and started treating her less like 'one of the guys' and more like what we'd later call a dating partner when our bits were more developed. That was my first inkling that life was about to become a bit different. The laugh part was I was still tackling her like one of the guys and the other guys were tackling her to feel her up. Kids! TBH, I still see the same behavioral sets in my fellow males today, most married for decades. They still eye any strange (unknown) woman up and down like the sexual being she is and my first response is still one of a peer first, sexual being later. So, in that sense, one late bloomer aspect never left my psyche. Had I been blessed with a son, my first job would have been correcting this error in my socialization, as well as sharing with him what to watch out for with women, something else I didn't get at father's knee. Perhaps that's the irony. The same aspects which impelled the late blooming also impelled the inhibition/inability of passing on those life lessons to progeny. It's interesting how life works out.

 

Overall, I think 'late bloomers' are a combination of nature (intrinsic genetic personality/psychology) and nurture (parenting/socialization/peer integration), combined with personal choice (one's choices based on life experience as one matures). Each path is unique. When we've seen on 'late bloomer', we've seen one late bloomer.

[TouchedByViolet]

In high school I was clueless, and in college I was just a little better. My parents definitely didn't teach me anything when it came to flirting and talking to ladies. Now that I'm older I feel like the options are less. My physical attributes are below average, and I don't have the gift of gab. Through large effort and putting myself out there I do get dates, but it has never been easy for me. I feel like I'm good on paper but that has never translated into much in real life. It has always been hard :/

[Looking Outside In]

Hi all...

 

 

 

 

First off, I'm a complete noob here, so bare with me. If my profile isn't quite complete, like I said, I'm a noob. I decided to post here because...quite honestly, I have no idea how it is that finding a significant other, friends or anything else works! I know that sounds nuts, but it's the truth. I did read the thread, and there are a number of things I can relate to on various levels.

 

First off, I am a guy. I'm 39, a SWM. I live near Charlotte, NC, and I haven't lived my entire life here, but when I was able to move elsewhere, I think a change in environment had a more beneficial impact than anything. I'm not saying it was perfect socially, but I at least had some sort of social life-and I did have interaction with women.

 

I've never been married. Honestly, I have no idea how these things work. When I was growing up, let me put it this way. When you're in rural NC, and not from here originally, not of the majority's denominational creed, etc., and psychologically and cognitively you don't fit the norm or the mould, you're screwed!

 

I grew up in such a manner that people knew more about me than I did me-and it took 10+ years for a few people I ran into on Facebook to say, "Hey...I am really sorry for how I treated you back then, etc." Some people said that they didn't fully appreciate how I was then, but they realized I was quite ahead of my time. One can take that as a compliment, and it may be. The problem is that reality is more punitive than anything.

 

I've never married, and I've only had a limited number of women in my life to where you could label it something romantic. Online is the ONLY place I know to look. Locally? Forget it-there is nothing here, or at least anything that's of interest to me. I can't relate or identify with anyone on most things.

 

I'm that guy where women have come to me for advice. Cheating on their guy, makeup, break up, divorce, confusion over their sexual identity, abuse, rape, name it. I've heard it all. When I need a friend, in the worst of ways, I'm left out for extended periods.

 

I've tried Craigslist for years. I've met a few women, and that's it. None of them worked out for various reasons. I can't even get a cup of coffee. I've had women agree to meet only to back out or just vanish before ever meeting. At the same time, a married woman with kids can find another woman for sex. I'm not bashing those who are gay or the like but just saying how it works. (shrugs)

 

Where I live, if you're not into smoking pot, stuffing your face into oblivion, team sports or the like or some outdoors stuff, forget it. I fell in love with EDM when I lived in Florida (electronic dance music), and here in Charlotte? Forget it. Nobody understands it.

 

I've been through some rough times-more than any ones fair share of stuff. It's as if in my locale, a romantic relationship is reduced to some corporate merger where sex is a consideration. Well, I'm sorry but that's not me nor what I consider a true romantic relationship to be, nor do I consider marriage to be an economic consolidation of resources.

 

When I was working, and making a decent dollar (more than most in this locale), it was as if that meant nothing. I see plenty of ads that label people who are out of work as something undesirable, but yet when you have a good paying job, it means nothing. The only difference seems to be it's one less thing for people to bash you on. I've tried paid sites-and to be honest, the people you see in the one site, you see on the other. When one doesn't work, everyone switches.

 

(sigh) I have so much to say and not really sure where to begin. I have no job-and people love to look down on others like that. For one, heavy demanding physical stuff is and always has been out. So knowing that from the time I was a kid, brains was it. Here's the problem.

 

Long story short, I can't exactly say what it is I've evolved to job wise, nor can I really say how I evolved to that. In this locale, when you say, "Hey, if you do this in this way, it's going to cost you 6 digits. Do it this way, it may take longer, but it's going to pay itself off and save a lot of headaches." That's grounds to fire you. I went to one place, and what they had planned for a client wasn't meeting their contractual obligations. So, part of my job was to ensure that doesn't happen. I spoke out because I was told to document things in a certain way and such. I did-and for doing as I was instructed, I got fired. Welcome to Charlotte, NC!

 

So....here's what happened. In the course of looking for a job, one thing lead to another. I unwittingly got involved in something I wanted no part of. Things evolved from there. Things got worse, and now...holding it together is a real issue.

 

So...I have no references at all for a job. What I have evolved to, it exists-but there is a catch to it, and it's not something you can work around because of the way certain laws work. So...as a result for being out of a job despite going through some very prolonged and extreme measures, I get labeled the same.

 

So....when I'd like to have a woman to date, forget it. Where does one meet a woman to date? I have no idea! I have no idea anymore what a woman is supposed to look like as in my locale, androgyny is quite common. If I want a "friend", forget it.

 

When most of your interests are of things intangible, or expensive as hell, you're analytical to an extreme by nature unlike everyone else, you can't relate to anyone. I mean, it's like in my locale...if you don't fix the truck, pull the farm or some industrial duty stuff, and you're not Mr. GQ, something dire must be wrong with you.

 

Forgive me if I sound like I'm rambling but the point is this. I have no idea how dating really works. I have no idea how it is men and women meet let alone get married and all this other stuff. I have nobody local that I can call a "friend" to talk to. The few friends I have, they're online and not exactly local.

 

I am a guy. I have needs, but I am not looking for just a "hookup". If I found someone who I could trust for that or something along those lines, maybe. The problem is....I have yet to find anyone local to whom I feel comfy with where there is mutual interest. Move? Uhm....I've been fighting for that for years now, but...it's not working. It's a long story.

 

I am so disconnected from EVERYTHING, and the entire dating thing...(sigh)...

 

When and if I find a woman who I find attractive, I have nothing to really start a conversation with. I can't afford to ask her out. If I want to show interest, I am scared to in part because the way guys can be here, they can readily short circuit and threaten physical violence. It's been like that since...middle school on? Additionally, I just get this chronic sense that given what I can sense at any given time, women want NOTHING to do with me.

 

Right now, online friends would be a step up. I have no freaking idea as to how any of these things work-and all I see on CL and the like are some incredibly crass ads that are quite condescending.

 

(gulp)

[guest569]

I started to date at 25. I had a lot going on in my life when I was younger. I had my fair share of rejections at school. I used to pick out one guy and admire from afar.. and by university i was very busy studying and just never really found anyone i had any desire to date. I also had low self esteem, and am very shy and rarely met new people.

 

I felt like i SHOULD be dating and that pressure to go out and date and get my first kiss was what led me to try online dating. Success!

[Looking Outside In]

I started to date at 25. I had a lot going on in my life when I was younger. I had my fair share of rejections at school. I used to pick out one guy and admire from afar.. and by university i was very busy studying and just never really found anyone i had any desire to date. I also had low self esteem, and am very shy and rarely met new people.

 

I felt like i SHOULD be dating and that pressure to go out and date and get my first kiss was what led me to try online dating. Success!

 

 

I've tried the pay sites, I've tried Crudlist. I've gone to these la di da places that want a load of money and realized it was more like a staffing firm than a dating agency.

 

The best luck I had was Yahoo! when they had the message boards years ago, and someone I met on Myspace from out of state. Beyond that, everything else was a waste of money, getting lead on, mislead, lied to, etc. OLD is ALL I know...and I hate to say it, the statistical rate of success is akin to a fluke at best.

[irc333]

Funny, I had a friend just move there. She's of the "New Age" variety though. Yoga buff, hung in Yoga circles, even changed her real name legally to some Buddhist name.

 

I heard Charlotte is the "Hippy" town of America. lol

 

Anyhow, where I live, it's a more rural area...though not TOO bad (it's growing), but the closest town that's somewhat busy is a half hour away, but the availabity of single people there and here are few and far between.

 

The ones that live in the town 30 mins away work the the BIG city that's 30 mins away in the other direction.

 

Mostly rednecks and retirees where I live. You can't approach a woman, even though she's barely drinking age, with a wedding band on her finger.

 

Dating in my early 20s when the internet was in its infancy was a big struggle, because I could NEVER find someone that wasn't unattached, had a boyfriend off at college or living with someone.

 

The local community college, forget it, all were engaged or scheduled to marry their high school sweet hearts. It's as if, around here, their Prom dates were their soul mates, its like they never entertained their options outside of highschool. lol Quite sad.

 

 

Most of the women that I do a search for locally aren't of my caliber, had 3 or 4 kids with 2 dads, spend their Wal-Mart cashier check getting tats their thighs, hips, torso, and sleeve tats, or just look like freaks. VERY backwater.

 

The ones that online that do appear attractive/cute are likely NEW in town. LOL Online and typically NOT from around here. They wind up having MOVED here recently to "Be near their aging parents"...likely they discovered the lack of single people living here and had to resort to online dating to meet anyone.

 

I've already emailed them, and of course no response, took a break a for a while, came back, yep, they are still on the site. I guess they may want to get out of dodge and find other bigger cities to live.

 

If people around here that don't take the online route, a man winds up hooking up with a woman that's divorced or the middle of a divorce...so someone snatches someone up before a break up even occurs from the previous relationship.

 

Also, around here if they haven't known you since grade school, they don't want to know you. It's a cliquish community. A male friend of mine took a couple of these "Fishbowl" women to a Meetup, only for them to ONLY chat with each other at the entire event and never even mingled with others.

 

Their response when questioned on this, "Oh, we're not much for making NEW friends" I was floored, the level of snobbery with them was beyond belief. They wound up skipping out early to go dancing in "da big city".

 

Hi all...

 

 

 

 

First off, I'm a complete noob here, so bare with me. If my profile isn't quite complete, like I said, I'm a noob. I decided to post here because...quite honestly, I have no idea how it is that finding a significant other, friends or anything else works! I know that sounds nuts, but it's the truth. I did read the thread, and there are a number of things I can relate to on various levels.

 

First off, I am a guy. I'm 39, a SWM. I live near Charlotte, NC, and I haven't lived my entire life here, but when I was able to move elsewhere, I think a change in environment had a more beneficial impact than anything. I'm not saying it was perfect socially, but I at least had some sort of social life-and I did have interaction with women.

 

I've never been married. Honestly, I have no idea how these things work. When I was growing up, let me put it this way. When you're in rural NC, and not from here originally, not of the majority's denominational creed, etc., and psychologically and cognitively you don't fit the norm or the mould, you're screwed!

 

I grew up in such a manner that people knew more about me than I did me-and it took 10+ years for a few people I ran into on Facebook to say, "Hey...I am really sorry for how I treated you back then, etc." Some people said that they didn't fully appreciate how I was then, but they realized I was quite ahead of my time. One can take that as a compliment, and it may be. The problem is that reality is more punitive than anything.

 

I've never married, and I've only had a limited number of women in my life to where you could label it something romantic. Online is the ONLY place I know to look. Locally? Forget it-there is nothing here, or at least anything that's of interest to me. I can't relate or identify with anyone on most things.

 

I'm that guy where women have come to me for advice. Cheating on their guy, makeup, break up, divorce, confusion over their sexual identity, abuse, rape, name it. I've heard it all. When I need a friend, in the worst of ways, I'm left out for extended periods.

 

I've tried Craigslist for years. I've met a few women, and that's it. None of them worked out for various reasons. I can't even get a cup of coffee. I've had women agree to meet only to back out or just vanish before ever meeting. At the same time, a married woman with kids can find another woman for sex. I'm not bashing those who are gay or the like but just saying how it works. (shrugs)

 

Where I live, if you're not into smoking pot, stuffing your face into oblivion, team sports or the like or some outdoors stuff, forget it. I fell in love with EDM when I lived in Florida (electronic dance music), and here in Charlotte? Forget it. Nobody understands it.

 

I've been through some rough times-more than any ones fair share of stuff. It's as if in my locale, a romantic relationship is reduced to some corporate merger where sex is a consideration. Well, I'm sorry but that's not me nor what I consider a true romantic relationship to be, nor do I consider marriage to be an economic consolidation of resources.

 

When I was working, and making a decent dollar (more than most in this locale), it was as if that meant nothing. I see plenty of ads that label people who are out of work as something undesirable, but yet when you have a good paying job, it means nothing. The only difference seems to be it's one less thing for people to bash you on. I've tried paid sites-and to be honest, the people you see in the one site, you see on the other. When one doesn't work, everyone switches.

 

(sigh) I have so much to say and not really sure where to begin. I have no job-and people love to look down on others like that. For one, heavy demanding physical stuff is and always has been out. So knowing that from the time I was a kid, brains was it. Here's the problem.

 

Long story short, I can't exactly say what it is I've evolved to job wise, nor can I really say how I evolved to that. In this locale, when you say, "Hey, if you do this in this way, it's going to cost you 6 digits. Do it this way, it may take longer, but it's going to pay itself off and save a lot of headaches." That's grounds to fire you. I went to one place, and what they had planned for a client wasn't meeting their contractual obligations. So, part of my job was to ensure that doesn't happen. I spoke out because I was told to document things in a certain way and such. I did-and for doing as I was instructed, I got fired. Welcome to Charlotte, NC!

 

So....here's what happened. In the course of looking for a job, one thing lead to another. I unwittingly got involved in something I wanted no part of. Things evolved from there. Things got worse, and now...holding it together is a real issue.

 

So...I have no references at all for a job. What I have evolved to, it exists-but there is a catch to it, and it's not something you can work around because of the way certain laws work. So...as a result for being out of a job despite going through some very prolonged and extreme measures, I get labeled the same.

 

So....when I'd like to have a woman to date, forget it. Where does one meet a woman to date? I have no idea! I have no idea anymore what a woman is supposed to look like as in my locale, androgyny is quite common. If I want a "friend", forget it.

 

When most of your interests are of things intangible, or expensive as hell, you're analytical to an extreme by nature unlike everyone else, you can't relate to anyone. I mean, it's like in my locale...if you don't fix the truck, pull the farm or some industrial duty stuff, and you're not Mr. GQ, something dire must be wrong with you.

 

Forgive me if I sound like I'm rambling but the point is this. I have no idea how dating really works. I have no idea how it is men and women meet let alone get married and all this other stuff. I have nobody local that I can call a "friend" to talk to. The few friends I have, they're online and not exactly local.

 

I am a guy. I have needs, but I am not looking for just a "hookup". If I found someone who I could trust for that or something along those lines, maybe. The problem is....I have yet to find anyone local to whom I feel comfy with where there is mutual interest. Move? Uhm....I've been fighting for that for years now, but...it's not working. It's a long story.

 

I am so disconnected from EVERYTHING, and the entire dating thing...(sigh)...

 

When and if I find a woman who I find attractive, I have nothing to really start a conversation with. I can't afford to ask her out. If I want to show interest, I am scared to in part because the way guys can be here, they can readily short circuit and threaten physical violence. It's been like that since...middle school on? Additionally, I just get this chronic sense that given what I can sense at any given time, women want NOTHING to do with me.

 

Right now, online friends would be a step up. I have no freaking idea as to how any of these things work-and all I see on CL and the like are some incredibly crass ads that are quite condescending.

 

(gulp)

[Looking Outside In]

Funny, I had a friend just move there. She's of the "New Age" variety though. Yoga buff, hung in Yoga circles, even changed her real name legally to some Buddhist name.

 

I heard Charlotte is the "Hippy" town of America. lol

 

Anyhow, where I live, it's a more rural area...though not TOO bad (it's growing), but the closest town that's somewhat busy is a half hour away, but the availabity of single people there and here are few and far between.

 

The ones that live in the town 30 mins away work the the BIG city that's 30 mins away in the other direction.

 

Mostly rednecks and retirees where I live. You can't approach a woman, even though she's barely drinking age, with a wedding band on her finger.

 

Dating in my early 20s when the internet was in its infancy was a big struggle, because I could NEVER find someone that wasn't unattached, had a boyfriend off at college or living with someone.

 

The local community college, forget it, all were engaged or scheduled to marry their high school sweet hearts. It's as if, around here, their Prom dates were their soul mates, its like they never entertained their options outside of highschool. lol Quite sad.

 

 

Most of the women that I do a search for locally aren't of my caliber, had 3 or 4 kids with 2 dads, spend their Wal-Mart cashier check getting tats their thighs, hips, torso, and sleeve tats, or just look like freaks. VERY backwater.

 

The ones that online that do appear attractive/cute are likely NEW in town. LOL Online and typically NOT from around here. They wind up having MOVED here recently to "Be near their aging parents"...likely they discovered the lack of single people living here and had to resort to online dating to meet anyone.

 

I've already emailed them, and of course no response, took a break a for a while, came back, yep, they are still on the site. I guess they may want to get out of dodge and find other bigger cities to live.

 

If people around here that don't take the online route, a man winds up hooking up with a woman that's divorced or the middle of a divorce...so someone snatches someone up before a break up even occurs from the previous relationship.

 

Also, around here if they haven't known you since grade school, they don't want to know you. It's a cliquish community. A male friend of mine took a couple of these "Fishbowl" women to a Meetup, only for them to ONLY chat with each other at the entire event and never even mingled with others.

 

Their response when questioned on this, "Oh, we're not much for making NEW friends" I was floored, the level of snobbery with them was beyond belief. They wound up skipping out early to go dancing in "da big city".

 

 

Hi and thanks so much for the reply.

 

Let me say 2 things from the word go. Charlotte is NOT a "hippy" place. Why do I say that? Well, the sign says, long haired freaky people need not apply. Oops! That might be me since I have hair past my shoulder blades.

 

I live outside of Charlotte, and to be perfectly honest, I can relate to most if not all of what you say. My locale is very clickish. They didn't want to know me in grade school, and little has changed since. Charlotte proper is one thing. Outside is another. Having said that, Charlotte proper has about as much culture as say a rock in your driveway.

 

I've looked into Meet Up, etc. Most of it is nothing of interest to me, and there are a lot of places that meet for so called "business". That tends to be coy for a sales scam.

 

If I wanted a woman in between whatever for just a hook up, forget it. I wouldn't get the time of day from what I gather.

 

Do I have something specific to quantify that with? Sure.

 

1.) Since I have no job, and I qualify for no assistance at all from any program of any kind, that's the end with extra nails in the coffin. As such, if it wasn't for family, I would have been dead long ago.

 

2.) The women who I find that post online weigh more than I do and they expect a man that is 40-50 pounds heavier than I am to be considered "small", or they want someone that is built like a fire house. I'll never be like that as I can't do the things to bulk up like that without endangering my own self.

 

I don't know what your friends experiences have been, but I can tell you this. Charlotte is a place where if you're only 99.99% inline with what their socio-economic and theological views are, you might not belong. Some people aren't quite that bad, but realistically, if you want to get anywhere, that's how it works. Outside of Charlotte? Oh boy...forget it.

 

As far as places being rednecky, let me illustrate by example. I know of someone that first thing they pull into the yard at times, they're going to do donuts on the front lawn. In the middle of the night or any time of day, shots being fired is not uncommon. 80+ rounds of ammo being fired is common. I thought I heard something richochet off a neighbors shed. When you call the cops about these things, some of them have the attitude that it's the country and people like to shoot.

 

Call me what you will, but at midnight, what are you shooting at in the pitch dark and what are you needing to shoot with an automatic weapon at that hour? Furthermore, things literally exploding to where they shake the house are not uncommon.

 

A common topic of conversation might be what the resale value is of some raggedy pickup, farm equipment, etc.

 

As for women, I can illustrate what I typically might see locally. I've seen "women" that look more like Trent Lott than Trent Lott does. I don't say that to be political but factual. There was a show in the UK called "Keeping Up With Appearances". If you're not familiar with it, look that up and "Onslow". I saw a woman at the gas station that looked very much like him-including the go-tee coming in. There is a woman at the one BK that has a mustache and slight beard no less.

 

However, don't dare hire a guy with facial hair. So...hire a woman that has a beard and mustache instead because...???

 

Someone told me how things work here socially, and he might be right. If he is, it's not me at all. What he described to me was basically you find a click, go to some area high school, and it amounts to a hush hush swingers thing. That's not me at all-nor what I am looking for! When I heard that, I thought to myself, "Are you kidding me?"

 

If you want to see some of the posts that people post online, go to Crudlist and click on Charlotte. Most of the posts are from people in other parts of the state or area. Ironically, the one person I've exchanged emails with online that is in this state, is not from the area originally. Go figure.

[irc333]

Looking Outside In,

 

LOL...most of the women on POF that show up within a 10 to 15 mile radius of me either look like 500 miles of hard road or look like Larry the Cable Guy's sister.

[Looking Outside In]

Looking Outside In,

 

LOL...most of the women on POF that show up within a 10 to 15 mile radius of me either look like 500 miles of hard road or look like Larry the Cable Guy's sister.

 

 

I know of someone online that uses POF. Women tend to fare better on those sites. I did meet someone from there as she looked OK in her pic. In person? Forget it. What was worse is, she had absolutely no idea as to what "chemistry" between two people meant. She never got that.

 

As for what you're saying, my way, women look a LOT like Larry the Cable Guy-or some other guy.

 

I was emailing someone I know and I told her that I went to the one mall in Charlotte. I walked around the cosmetics counter in one of the stores and I actually saw women that looked feminine! They not only had hair (unlike some of what I've seen), but they wore makeup. The air smelled like everything in the counter-which to be honest was a breath of fresh air (pardon the punn). Sadly, this venture lasted for a mere few seconds and was the only time in more time than I can remember where I had seen several women that looked as nice in a short period.

 

When I see a nice looking woman online, I fear it's spam. Why? The ones that try to be naturally attractive and such that have their hair done, perfect makeup and lighting, I know they're spam. Why? For one they're height-weight proportionate unlike anyone else locally. Secondly, they have hair-and lots of it. Thirdly, they wear make-up. As soon as I see that, I know they're not local and likely spam.

 

As for online, I feel like a glutton for punishment. It's all I know, but it's so blatant that it's not working.

 

I think the old maintenance guy from my old neighborhood put it best. He was from a nearby town a few miles from me. I told him it was nice while I was there to see women looking as they did there. He told me that I had to remember that the area I was living in at the time was represented by about 50 countries or so. My village here is represented by about 50 families. There are 3-5 names that pretty much make up half or more of the white pages.

[SJC2008]

Shyness ruined my life. A couple girls liked me in intermediate but I didn't like them. My shyness hadn't quite taken over me yet. When I was a sophomore a qute girl liked me but I was too shy to do anything. By the time I gkt the balls to ask a girl out I was 17 and behind in the game. I got dumped by a 16 year old for not making a move.

[Trane]

Some people are late bloomers because they are shy by nature or they aren't socially gifted as others to engage in the opposite sex. Others might have very strict parents or a strong religious foundation where sex and relationships are considered sinful behaviour. For others, it's a matter of not being welcomed or accepted into the "A" crowd where everyone's getting naked and exploring their sexuality.

 

Dating relationships and sex of any kind never came easy when I was young, fit and very horny. I learned very early that if you don't have HEIGHT, A FULL HEAD OF HAIR, and HANDSOME FEATURES, you will need to do a helluva lot more than the guy standing beside you that has all of these qualities. Women in western culture can be wickedly cruel and mean spirited to guys who don't fit with the standard image of attraction. There's no denying the fact that some guys have it WAY easier in the dating world than other guys because of the superficial nature of mate selection.

 

The amazing thing now is that in my 40s, I have more women vying for my attention that I have little to no interest in. A couple of them I met when I was in university who had absolutely no time for me. Now they have all the time in the world because they have a mortgage to pay, 3 or 4 kids to raise and no husband to shoulder the load. No thanks!

[Looking Outside In]

Some people are late bloomers because they are shy by nature or they aren't socially gifted as others to engage in the opposite sex. Others might have very strict parents or a strong religious foundation where sex and relationships are considered sinful behaviour. For others, it's a matter of not being welcomed or accepted into the "A" crowd where everyone's getting naked and exploring their sexuality.

 

Dating relationships and sex of any kind never came easy when I was young, fit and very horny. I learned very early that if you don't have HEIGHT, A FULL HEAD OF HAIR, and HANDSOME FEATURES, you will need to do a helluva lot more than the guy standing beside you that has all of these qualities. Women in western culture can be wickedly cruel and mean spirited to guys who don't fit with the standard image of attraction. There's no denying the fact that some guys have it WAY easier in the dating world than other guys because of the superficial nature of mate selection.

 

The amazing thing now is that in my 40s, I have more women vying for my attention that I have little to no interest in. A couple of them I met when I was in university who had absolutely no time for me. Now they have all the time in the world because they have a mortgage to pay, 3 or 4 kids to raise and no husband to shoulder the load. No thanks!

 

So it's the classic case of the woman going into this resource gathering mentality like an evolved primate only to realize it does nothing for them on the inside, so then they go and look for Mr. Reject years later in hopes that they can maintain the same fiscal balance they aspired to have?