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Can you fix my conundrum, how to go from dating to a relationship?


Philosopher

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I know there are tons of threads like this, but exactly how do you turn a girl you are dating into your girlfriend? Every time I seem to get close to having a girlfriend, they seem to pull away and decide either just to be friends or to end it completely.

 

A quick background to my situation. I've never been in a proper relationship, despite being over 30 :(. At university I messed up a few good chances to get a girlfriend as I didn't really know how to go about getting one and as I didn't have the courage to ask them out. After university I was fairly content being single. That said, a few years ago, I became good friends with someone I had always fancied. I never made a move on her though, partly as I didn't have the courage and partly as I was unsure if she was right for me. This probably was for the better as she turned out to be a bit of control freak.

 

Three years ago I decided it was time to stop being single and so I started online dating. After a few months of not really getting anywhere I met girl number one. We went on quite a few dates over a several weeks and in general there was quite a bit of flirting and hand holding. On the third date, I tried kissing her, however she said it was too soon and we should try and get to know each other. I tried kissing her again on the fifth date. She again said it was too soon. After that date she said we should just be friends.

 

The following year and half after that I again had little luck with dating. Then in late Spring this year I met women number two from online dating. The first date went really well and after quite a lot of flirting and a quick peck at the end of the second date it seem really obvious that she was into me. On the third date we ended up kissing each other for some time. After that date she went on holiday for a week and half. When she came back I suggested she come over to my apartment. However she said no, saying she felt there was no chemistry between us.

 

Next onto girl number three. I met her just under two months ago, again from online dating. The first three dates had gone really well and we both seemed to really like each other. On the fourth date she came round to my apartment, I cooked her what was hopefully a tasty dinner and ending up kissing her for about 15 minutes. Date number five similarly felt amazing and at the end of it I genuinely felt that she could be my first proper girlfriend :). She agreed to meet up a week later, just before I went on a ten day holiday. I'm afraid to say that is when it started to go wrong. She cancelled the date at the last minute, saying she was unwell. When I came back from holiday I suggested meeting up, but she said she could no longer see me and mentioned she was taking a break from dating.

 

So what is the magic trick to go from dating to being in a relationship?

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You need to ask yourself why you want a relationship. What are you trying to get out of it? Afraid of being alone? Companionship? Someone to share intimate details? What is your specific goal?

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Not to ruin any expectations... but I think dating has become so filled with expectations. This is about you, and there is little about the dates themselves you have had, so it just may be chemistry in general.

 

I will give you what I expected in dating so you can see the fault in expectation. I expected openness and a methodical approach to knowing each other. I never got a date, so that expectation about dating ended up being in my closet. So all my relationships were practically instant. Well friends of friends or acquaintances that off and on knew me for at least a year. That is how I got my trust established plus they understood me from exposure being in the wilds of everyday life so to speak.

 

So my theory is the more you expect the less that happens. If that does not prove it... then my final say about it is my soul mate... we never seen each other for a 2 years, and only chatted via pm for a year. Then out of the blue we just saw that we had so much compatibility that it was as if our connection had always been, just something flipped the light switch over night. talk about no expectations getting you what you dreamed of most.

 

Hope this wee strange but true story about me helps in understanding what can effect a dating relationship without tearing your hair out from all the failed attempts.

 

Some times you must throw chance out into the wind, and just be what you feel. Like I rather fail at being me than attempting what is expected.

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Next onto girl number three. I met her just under two months ago, again from online dating. The first three dates had gone really well and we both seemed to really like each other. On the fourth date she came round to my apartment, I cooked her what was hopefully a tasty dinner and ending up kissing her for about 15 minutes. Date number five similarly felt amazing and at the end of it I genuinely felt that she could be my first proper girlfriend :). She agreed to meet up a week later, just before I went on a ten day holiday. I'm afraid to say that is when it started to go wrong. She cancelled the date at the last minute, saying she was unwell. When I came back from holiday I suggested meeting up, but she said she could no longer see me and mentioned she was taking a break from dating.

 

That really sucks dude. Sometimes sh*t just happens in life.

 

All you can really do is keep moving forward and hope that things will be better next time.

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You need to ask yourself why you want a relationship. What are you trying to get out of it? Afraid of being alone? Companionship? Someone to share intimate details? What is your specific goal?

 

My main reasons for wanting a relationship are for companionship and to a lesser extent due to me being afraid of being alone when I grow older.

 

I do have a fair number of friends, however quite a few them have either moved to other parts of the country or overseas in recent years, or are getting married, meaning I have become less content with being single over the years.

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There is something wrong with your approach. Why are you always ending up with women who dont want relationship, something isnt right.

 

This could indeed be the case, particularly with the latest girl. The first girl mentioned frequently mentioned that she desperately wanted a boyfriend however, so I doubt this was case for her. A few months after I was dating her, she got back with her ex.

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