Anybody else never have the opportunity to meet women?

[somegoodman]

Being 30 and without close friends or a social circle, I'm pretty much utterly alone at all times. My days are spent working or stuck in traffic, and the weekends are just me on my own trying to pass the time. I've tried to go out and meet people but at my age everybody is established in their lives and have families/kids to attend to. Sitting in a bar alone feels especially pathetic these days.

 

Advice is usually along the lines of "date a lot of women until you meet the right one" but that ignores the chief problem of never even being around women. Just wondering if anyone else had this problem. Seems pretty hopeless from my end. There's also a psychological health effect from living in isolation that has been taking it's toll lately.

[d0nnivain]

There are plenty of ways to interact with others.

 

Volunteer somewhere doing something you are passionate about: raise money for the arts; walk dogs at a pet rescue; build houses through Habitat for Humanity; get the candidate of your choice elected; fight a disease, etc. Consider joining things like your local volunteer fire department, the Elks, the Moose, the Lions, the Kiwanis etc. They are all great civic organisations with a social side.

 

Go to a Meet Up event.

 

Go to an industry event related to your career.

 

Take an adult education course for fun.

 

Get involved with an alumni association of something you graduated from. My college alumni chapter meets on football Saturdays to watch the games.

[boilingpoint]

Well the obvious thing to try is online dating. Hopefully you're not too bad looking - it's important to have a good photo.

 

I've gradually been getting better at it but I'm 30 too and now I'm back living with my folks. It's not a good place to be since it's all about the environment you're in to help you thrive.

 

So the answer is to change your environment.

[somegoodman]

You wouldn't believe how many attempts I've made to offer myself as a volunteer only to be ignored or outright turned away. Guess I just have to keep looking but it's starting to become tiresome.

 

As far as online dating, been down that road and never even got a sliver of interest from anybody. I'm not a bad looking guy, if that matters.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

Most woman I have known prefer a guy that is not tied to the job. Having commute hours and possible weekend hours, don't cut it well.

 

I use to commute an hour each way for a 15 mile trip. That was 10 years ago.

 

Either way if your job interferes with your life you will either loose a relationship from being strained or not be able to start a relationship.

[oberkeat]

I've been in much the same position since I joined the workforce, and it's quite a catch-22: you can't get or keep a girlfriend if you don't have a job, but how can you meet members of the opposite sex if you're trapped working in front of a computer screen in your office for eight hours a day???

 

As donnivain said, the solution may be to find some extracurricular that put us in repeated sustained contact with women. One thing I do is take fitness classes a few times a week which are generally populated by young attractive women. I have yet to work up the cajones to strike up a conversation with any of them, but that's another thread. At least I'm seeing women so I know they still exist.

Edited September 19, 2014 by oberkeat

[d0nnivain]

You wouldn't believe how many attempts I've made to offer myself as a volunteer only to be ignored or outright turned away. Guess I just have to keep looking but it's starting to become tiresome.

 

That is so sad but as a leader in many organizations I know one of the big problems potential volunteers often face is the inability to break in. I urge you to keep trying. There are so many worthy causes that need help.

[Looking Outside In]

Being 30 and without close friends or a social circle, I'm pretty much utterly alone at all times. My days are spent working or stuck in traffic, and the weekends are just me on my own trying to pass the time. I've tried to go out and meet people but at my age everybody is established in their lives and have families/kids to attend to. Sitting in a bar alone feels especially pathetic these days.

 

Advice is usually along the lines of "date a lot of women until you meet the right one" but that ignores the chief problem of never even being around women. Just wondering if anyone else had this problem. Seems pretty hopeless from my end. There's also a psychological health effect from living in isolation that has been taking it's toll lately.

 

Preach on my friend! That's EXACTLY how I've felt a number of times. There are no bars around in my locale. For that matter, immediately locally, beyond chicken barns and cow pastures, there's NOTHING!

 

As for volunteering? (waves hand) In my case, that doesn't pay anything. I need a paycheck. Secondly....(tongue in cheek)...speaking from personal experience, it hasn't remedied anything at all economically or socially.

 

The truth is, I have no idea how or where to meet a woman. Other than seeing something nice in the mall in passing, forget it. The other problem I find is that when I find a woman that I get to talk to whom I am interested in, she has something else known as a husband. That more or less ruins the whole thing.

[somegoodman]

It has been months since I've posted this thread and nothing has changed. Anybody else out there?

[mr_dave]

Yep, I'm 26 and have the same problem. I've been single for 18 months now, I feel the prime of my life is slowly slipping away. How many women have I met in that time in the real world and had at least a decent conversation with? None.

I had one girlfriend from age 20-24, I met her at the gym. Apart from a couple of online dates around this time last year I have never even hung out with anyone else.

The only place to meet a woman near here is in a nightclub, and I don't want that kind of girl. It just seems so hopeless.

[carhill]

Anybody else never have the opportunity to meet women?

 

IME, there are always opportunities to meet women. Heck, I live miles from civilization and generally work at home on the ranch and still have met plenty of women over the decades. Did they just fall into my lap? Nope! A man has to go out and work for everything he gets in life. Very little comes to him, whether that be business, friends, lovers or spouses. Either get out there or die alone.

 

That said, I rarely if ever meet single women. That was an ongoing issue for many years. By the time they were broke up or divorced, they were already involved with another man, so I came to view any interaction as one with a 'taken' woman and was rarely if ever wrong.

 

OP, you have choices. Everything you do each day is a choice. You may feel like it's inevitable or required but, in reality, none of it is. If you don't want to sit in traffic, don't. If you want to interact with people and have friends, do. If you want to meet women, do. If you want to live alone and have no human contact, do. Short of killing you, no one can make you do anything you don't want to. Think about that. People are fragile beings full of fear. Whoever cares the least owns the day. Collaboration is nice if you want to do that. If you don't, then don't. Good luck!

[somegoodman]

Yeah, that all sounds nice in theory, carhill, but in application it doesn't add up.

 

 

I have to make money and feed myself, so there are certain unpleasantries I must endure in order to do so.

 

 

I can strike up conversation with strangers but people rarely make time for others outside of longtime friends.

 

 

I didn't come to this conclusion by sitting alone in my apartment. This is speaking from my own experience.

 

 

I have resorted now to seeing a psychiatrist, as it is my only hope for interacting with another human.

 

 

And hopefully he can subscribe me some drugs that will allow me to dose myself to sleep and avoid this waking nightmare as much as possible.

[BlueIris]

IME, there are always opportunities to meet women. Heck, I live miles from civilization and generally work at home on the ranch and still have met plenty of women over the decades. Did they just fall into my lap? Nope! A man has to go out and work for everything he gets in life. Very little comes to him, whether that be business, friends, lovers or spouses. Either get out there or die alone.

 

...

 

OP, you have choices. Everything you do each day is a choice. You may feel like it's inevitable or required but, in reality, none of it is. If you don't want to sit in traffic, don't. If you want to interact with people and have friends, do. If you want to meet women, do. ...

 

I agree with this ^^.

 

If it's a high priority to find a GF or wife, consider moving to an urban area where there are more activities where there are women.

You could try OLD again, and rework your profile photos and text to attract the kind of women you want. Then keep at it- and be willing to travel.

 

I understand the career/relationship conundrum. Maybe look to see if there are jobs you'd be qualified for in a more populated area. Can't hurt.

Edited January 31, 2015 by BlueIris
OP added more

[d0nnivain]

It has been months since I've posted this thread and nothing has changed. Anybody else out there?

 

The classic definition of insanity is doing the same things over & over but expecting different results.

 

 

What have you changed in an effort to meet more people? It has been a few months. Can you list at least 5 new things you tried? If you didn't do anything new how can you expect change?

[TouchedByViolet]

In the last year I have met new women through online dating, co-ed sports, bars/restaurants, and a friend's birthday party. Essentially you have to be social or attractive enough that it doesn't matter, or lucky. Most women have zero romantic interest in me. That's my main hurdle.

[somegoodman]

The classic definition of insanity is doing the same things over & over but expecting different results.

 

 

What have you changed in an effort to meet more people? It has been a few months. Can you list at least 5 new things you tried? If you didn't do anything new how can you expect change?

 

 

1. Volunteered at a local nursing home. The only work they had for me was doing cleanup work after hours. Connections made: 0

 

 

2. Attempted to apply for volunteer work elsewhere. No response or brief email rejections. Connections made: 0

 

 

3. Went birdwatching a few times because I like birds and thought maybe I would meet like-minded souls. I was alone every time. Connections made: 0

 

 

4. Spent many weekends visiting various bars, clubs, etc. Very rarely I would end up making small talk with some random people. Nothing came of it. Connections made: 0

 

 

5. Scheduled a meeting with a psychiatrist. At least in this case he's paid to meet me, so I guess we can call this some kind of backhanded success on my part. Connections made: TBD

[d0nnivain]

OK so you are doing new things. That is good.

 

 

Would you consider volunteering somewhere other than a nursing home so that you can meet people more your age?

 

 

Did you know that you were going to be the only one bird watching? I'm sort of surprised that had no other people. I mean I didn't think it would get as may fans as say the Super Bowl but I would have thought 5-6.

 

 

If you are willing to go to bars / nightclubs, are you willing to refine that to singles events / dance parties or speed dating?

 

 

I do want to help but that's not the easiest thing to do from another computer.

[carhill]

Yeah, that all sounds nice in theory, carhill, but in application it doesn't add up.

 

 

I have to make money and feed myself, so there are certain unpleasantries I must endure in order to do so.

 

 

I can strike up conversation with strangers but people rarely make time for others outside of longtime friends.

 

 

I didn't come to this conclusion by sitting alone in my apartment. This is speaking from my own experience.

 

 

I have resorted now to seeing a psychiatrist, as it is my only hope for interacting with another human.

 

 

And hopefully he can subscribe me some drugs that will allow me to dose myself to sleep and avoid this waking nightmare as much as possible.

Again, a choice. I make it every day. If I want to sit home today, I do. Right now I'm feeling like painting one of my rentals, so I'll go do that once the fog lifts. I felt a modicum of respect for the tenant so just messaged her to ask if her husband who just had gall bladder surgery would like the place quiet tomorrow so he could watch the SuperBowl. Was any of that required? Nope! It's all a choice. It's theory in practice. I've been living it since I was old enough to give my parents the middle finger and I thank them for instilling the importance of choice into my psyche.

 

I could have chosen to not respond to your post. I chose to. You have choices. If you are engaging a psychologist or psychiatrist (again, a choice, and one I applaud you for), they can give you tools to hone that process of choice to better gain you opportunities to meet women or any other goal you may choose.

[somegoodman]

OK so you are doing new things. That is good.

 

 

Would you consider volunteering somewhere other than a nursing home so that you can meet people more your age?

 

 

Did you know that you were going to be the only one bird watching? I'm sort of surprised that had no other people. I mean I didn't think it would get as may fans as say the Super Bowl but I would have thought 5-6.

 

 

If you are willing to go to bars / nightclubs, are you willing to refine that to singles events / dance parties or speed dating?

 

 

I do want to help but that's not the easiest thing to do from another computer.

 

 

Yes, I've sent out many offers for volunteering, anywhere that I can find. The nursing home was the only one that took me, and reluctantly at that.

 

 

I figured there would at least be one other person at the birdwatches. I was wrong. It was depressing, to say the least.

 

 

I don't know what you mean by singles events / dance parties. Those are the kinds of things that you are invited to by friends and acquaintances, and as I've already established, I don't have any of those.

 

 

I appreciate the help, regardless. Having all of this time to myself, I've been thinking a lot about free will, determinism, existence, etc. I can't help but come to the conclusion that life is generally not worth living except for a small set of fortunate people.

[carhill]

Since you brought up volunteering, the best volunteer job I ever had to gain the opportunity to meet women was getting trained as a docent at the zoo. Tons of women go to the zoo and a lot of single women went to after-hours zoo parties, something a docent could volunteer for. Easy? Nope! Had to sign up, get evaluated, go through training and, yep, work! Not to mention driving 40 miles round trip each time. Again, not required! It was a choice! It was probably the place I met the most single ladies ever. It also afforded me the choice of going to Africa to experience animals in the wild and meet women from SA, Zimbabwe and Zambia. Very enlightening!

 

You can do whatever you want to do. The limit is you.

[preraph]

You've chosen never to meet women. Obviously, the world is full of women but to meet them, you have to stop being reclusive and get out there and mix and make an effort. The bar probably isn't the best place for you. Probably following Donnivain's suggestions is best for someone who isn't comfortable socializing. The bottom line is if you aren't social, you can't expect to get a woman. You have to be social to meet a woman. This is all within your control, but you have to decide to overcome yourself and push past your fears or lack of momentum or whatever it is and become someone different who can meet women.

[preraph]

If you volunteer for the places advertising for volunteers (look in your local paper and google it), there should be no problem becoming a volunteer unless you fail a background check for working around kids or something. Other than that, it is probably something you're saying or some stipulations you're telling them about what YOU want that is preventing them from wanting to fit you in. A volunteer does what's needed, not just what they want to do.

 

That said, do try to volunteer for things where women will be. And take some night class women like, like cooking or dancing. Dancing would be best.

Edited January 31, 2015 by preraph

[somegoodman]

You've chosen never to meet women. Obviously, the world is full of women but to meet them, you have to stop being reclusive and get out there and mix and make an effort. The bar probably isn't the best place for you. Probably following Donnivain's suggestions is best for someone who isn't comfortable socializing. The bottom line is if you aren't social, you can't expect to get a woman. You have to be social to meet a woman. This is all within your control, but you have to decide to overcome yourself and push past your fears or lack of momentum or whatever it is and become someone different who can meet women.

 

Sorry, but if you've read my recent posts in this thread you would know that simply isn't true.

[elaine567]

I would guess you would need to join a bird watching club to meet other like minded folk.

I would think a nursing home out of hours could be very depressing, so I suggest happier volunteering stuff.

If you are a bit down, I suggest staying away from places where death is imminent ie the nursing home, or where life and death decisions are being made daily ie animal rescue.

Fund raising for a charity is more upbeat and usually more social. Find out what events are happening locally and get down there and offer to help.

Face to face is better than sending out impersonal emails and you can also gauge whether they are the kind of people you want to hang about with anyway.

Going to random bars is not going to help, I suggest you go to one or two local places a lot, to try to get to know some people there, and go as D0nnivian suggests to planned events to meet women. Do you have any work colleagues who you could suggest meeting up with occasionally?

No-one makes close friends instantly, it will take a lot of time and effort on your part, but it is not impossible.

Networking is key, friends know friends know suitable women.

 

- How To Make Friends As An Adult

[BlueIris]

In addition to the good ideas already given, consider doing or learning something new, too.

 

Maybe take community college classes in glass blowing or cooking, for instance. Lots of people narrow themselves down to what they already know and like and never stretch themselves to try something they’d never dreamed of before. Look through the local community college catalogue and intentionally choose something way outside of your comfort zone.