FeuFollet Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 The truth is, I'm very self conscious about it. When I'm on a date and a girl asks me what I do, I'm tempted to lie to her. Sometimes I mention that I'm a writer. When they ask what I've published I direct them to my very small number of publications, and mention I'm working on a novel. Usually at this point their eyes go dead and I realize that I've lost them. Sometimes that doesn't happen, but I happen to be rather handsome, so I chalk it up to them being shallow Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 If you don't mind the question, what's your disability? Link to post Share on other sites
Author FeuFollet Posted September 19, 2014 Author Share Posted September 19, 2014 Combat PTSD (for which I am actively mitigating and receiving treatment), jacked up back, bad left leg (nerve damage - see back), and a touch of hearing loss. No romantic bullet holes, sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Do you have a plan for getting off disability? Do you go to school or are you getting training for something? I think focusing on the physical disability, and if you have a plan to heal and get back to work, that would help. Mental issues may be a little scary for a date, because they don't know what that means in terms of personality issues that they're not seeing, and the relationship. Also, how do you meet your dates? Link to post Share on other sites
Author FeuFollet Posted September 19, 2014 Author Share Posted September 19, 2014 (edited) I'm sure you mean well, but I'm starting to mind your questions. Edited September 19, 2014 by FeuFollet Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 You have nothing to be ashamed of OP. A lot of people have enormous respect for the armed forces and wouldn't hold your situation against you! PTSD must be much harder to deal with than your physical injuries and I'm very sorry to hear what you are going through. There is more understanding and support out there than you realise though. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
PinkInTheLimo Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Be honest, don't pretend to be someone that you are not. You might not be at the best place of your life right now but it is a consequence of a responsibility you took up. Keep working to improve your situation and make it clear to the women you meet that you try to change your fate. If the women out there feel that you try to create a good life for yourself and also want to be a good partner, sooner or later one will give you a chance. But make sure you will not be the kind of partner who takes out his problems on his woman because in that case you will be sabotaging your chances for love. BTW, concerning PTSD, have you been in contact with someone who practices EMDR therapy? I was suffering from a trauma from my youth and EMDR has changed my life (and I am not someone who quickly says that of something). Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 What lolli wrote is what goes through a woman's head most of the time. I doubt most of them would have an issue with someone who served in the military and was transitioning into something else, but if you don't at least have a good sounding plan of action to present they might get a little nervous. Writing a novel is great but strikes most people as a passion, not a career unless you're making money writing already. Or have some kind of book deal. I don't know what country you're from but are there any military benefits you can use to sign up for a semester of classes or anything? I know it might be a struggle dealing with the issues you are but if you're struggling to the point you can't do something like that a lot of women might think you're not ready for dating either. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 I'm sure you mean well, but I'm starting to mind your questions. I apologize. No offense meant. I was trying to understand your situation better, in order to understand what the women might be thinking, and what's going on in your life, so I could give advice. Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 I'm sure you mean well, but I'm starting to mind your questions. People here want to ask questions because jumping to conclusions and giving erroneous advice based on assumptions, rarely helps. All we have is black and white, posts on a screen. We can't see you, know nothing about you, know nothing of what you experience and go through each day. There's no reason why we SHOULD be privy to everything about you, granted - but to give liberal advice without some grounds for our words, could be nothing short of insulting and patronising. We ask because we care, not because we criticise. Hope this helps. Be well, with much Metta to you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 (edited) FeuFollet, Something occurred to me. At the risk of making this worse - and if so I apologize and I'll stay off your thread in the future - I'll share it with you... I think your title for this thread was funny and self deprecating, even though dealing with a serious situation, which is part of why I opened it. The first post seemed honest and funny too... So I had some more questions about you. Not expectations for what you should be doing with your life, and asked more forwardly than most anyone would in person, but just curious about what's going on. And then you responded in a way that showed either hurt or defensiveness, probably because as you said in your first post, you're self-conscious about some things. My insight is that what played out here between us might mirror what happens with some ladies in real life. I could be wrong, but it's a thought. There's an initial attraction to your humor and openness (and as you say, you're attractive), but when they want to dig a little deeper, your self-consciousness may cause you to shut down, which turns them away. To me, even if your life isn't going well in some areas, being able to be open about it, and humorous and self deprecating when you can, overcomes a lot of deficits, perceived or real. When I'm ashamed or embarrassed about something, I push people away, because I don't want to have to reveal to them what's really going on. It's possible that you are unconsciously doing things to push people away. What I asked was too forward, but people who are wanting to date you probably are curious about those things. I could be out of line, and if so, feel free to ignore me. Edited September 19, 2014 by lollipopspot Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 And with due respect, the same thought (of possible defensiveness) had occurred to me. As I said, we're really only trying to help, and in doing that we might require a fuller picture. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
IttyBittyKitty Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 The truth is, I'm very self conscious about it. When I'm on a date and a girl asks me what I do, I'm tempted to lie to her. Sometimes I mention that I'm a writer. When they ask what I've published I direct them to my very small number of publications, and mention I'm working on a novel. Usually at this point their eyes go dead and I realize that I've lost them. Sometimes that doesn't happen, but I happen to be rather handsome, so I chalk it up to them being shallow So when a girl doesn't go dead-eyed when you tell her that you're unemployed, you assume she's shallow and reject her? Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 The defensiveness is perfectly understandable from someone who is adjusting and has only started dealing with disabilities recently while he was completely healthy and strong beforehand. Just ask what his plans are without making comments on his 'getting off disability', etc. Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Are you sure it's something all that recent? Did he write that stuff he got published when he was in the military or was he discharged a while ago and that's what he's been doing since? I'm getting the vibe it's the latter but you might be right. If you weren't in the military I would have just been bluntly honest and said it's your sensitivity and insecurity that's turning them off. =/ They'll take the ptsd and the physical injuries but women can't stand that kind of stuff in a partner. Since others brought it up I'll say I agree. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FeuFollet Posted September 19, 2014 Author Share Posted September 19, 2014 Sorry to disappoint. There are things about my life I don't want to get into on the internet with strangers. Thank you all for your comments. Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Ok, that's fine, that's your prerogative, of course it is. But bear in mind that if you receive advice which simply doesn't fit with your situation, that's not on us, to divine and guess. The less forthcoming you are, the more we may completely miss the mark.... I wish you well. Link to post Share on other sites
c57dood Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Apologies if you don't want any more responses, but perhaps the ladies you're going on dates with aren't the right ones for you. If her eyes glaze over when she asks about money or employment issues, you should be glad that she won't continue with you. At least you know from the get-go what she's about. That being said, there's a lot of women out there who are far more understanding and empathetic about your situation and are willing to give you a fair chance because they genuinely like who you are. They are more understanding because they've been through hardships themselves, and you don't really want a woman who's been pampered and sheltered from the harsh realities of life. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 FueFollet Thank you for your service. I'm sorry that you were injured but glad to hear that you are managing your conditions. My husband is a veteran Marine who works for the VA. Although the VA gets a bad rap, there are support groups for disabled vets & services to help you find a job. Have you availed yourself of any of those? Being active again will help your depression & self esteem. If you are writing, even if you aren't published, you are a writer. It's OK to tell somebody that who asks about your career. There are writing jobs available, especially if you can do technical writing. If you can master Search Engine Optimization principles, lots of people often need help writing copy for their websites. Does the GI bill help you at all? Can you use that funding to advance your education? You don't have to answer my Qs on a public internet forum. I ask them to give you fuel for thought, not to pry. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Looking Outside In Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 The truth is, I'm very self conscious about it. When I'm on a date and a girl asks me what I do, I'm tempted to lie to her. Sometimes I mention that I'm a writer. When they ask what I've published I direct them to my very small number of publications, and mention I'm working on a novel. Usually at this point their eyes go dead and I realize that I've lost them. Sometimes that doesn't happen, but I happen to be rather handsome, so I chalk it up to them being shallow Minus the war part, I am in the same boat. :-s As for me and the degree, the first time I was screwed out of one. The second go around, I was tired of being flamed for "thinking too much" to where it was punitive. People were validating less than I knew, and I was fighting brain rot. So, I quit as I had a paying job at the time. As for PTSD, I can relate as I had all the symptoms-not from the same circumstances as you, but from a different perspective. I know of someone else in a like boat. He has no problems finding women. The problem is they come to him for money-not for him as a person. (shrugs) Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts