Someone that's been divorced twice - Red Flag?

[irc333]

I must've been running into quite a few women lately, usually in their 40's and 50's...that have been married twice...though as a single person in search of someone...would you consider someone divorced twice a red flag when it comes to dating them?

 

Of course, I'd be okay with hearing about their situation, as this would be on a case-by-case basis, but it was kind of funny as I was getting to know this one woman as she mentioned this, chuckled and said, "Woah, I bet that scared ya off! LOL"

 

But it is kind of unnerving to hear this at times....what do you all think?

[CarrieT]

Perhaps it depends on one's age...

 

When I met my new husband, he confessed up front that he had been divorced three times. The explanations helped considerably and knowing how my single marriage ended, I wouldn't judge anyone.

 

Two divorces within a decade would be more of a concern than two divorces over three decades. See what I mean?

[pteromom]

Of course it is a red flag. But a red flag isn't the same thing as a dealbreaker. It just means it needs to be noted and addressed and you have to feel comfortable with the person and their reasons.

[Michelle ma Belle]

CarrieT makes a very good point.

 

Again, just as I responded in another thread about concerns with men who haven't had LTR; Yes, it would be quite unnerving to meet someone who's been married MORE than once but (again) I would be open to hearing the circumstances before writing them off completely.

[evanescentworld]

I'd only see a red flag or two if he told me his name was Henry Tudor, the VIIITh.....When you think of how his exes fared, I think I'd be a bit nervous. Otherwise, as Carrie said, it's a matter of perspective...

[irc333]

CarrieT makes a very good point.

 

Again, just as I responded in another thread about concerns with men who haven't had LTR; Yes, it would be quite unnerving to meet someone who's been married MORE than once but (again) I would be open to hearing the circumstances before writing them off completely.

 

Most cases I keep hearing, "Was an alcoholic" or "He cheated" or both.

[evanescentworld]

Providing you are neither, there should be no complaints, then.....?

[carhill]

Having been married to someone who was my first and I her third, one thing I noticed was that it was easy for her to get divorced. She knew exactly how to process it, in totality. Pure business. Negotiate a deal and move on. She was divorced after six at 26 and after ten at 38 and we got married at 41 roughly and lasted around ten. Nice round number I guess.

 

I think I'll just pass in general. I got a whiff of that 'easy' part towards the latter end of our D and I didn't like the person I saw in the mirror. Better to be alone.

[irc333]

Having been married to someone who was my first and I her third, one thing I noticed was that it was easy for her to get divorced. She knew exactly how to process it, in totality. Pure business. Negotiate a deal and move on. She was divorced after six at 26 and after ten at 38 and we got married at 41 roughly and lasted around ten. Nice round number I guess.

 

I think I'll just pass in general. I got a whiff of that 'easy' part towards the latter end of our D and I didn't like the person I saw in the mirror. Better to be alone.

 

Statistically, 2nd attempts at marriage, they length of time of said marriage is shorter than the first if the 2nd winds up in a divorce.

[JourneyLady]

1st marriage 2 "official" years, 2nd = three decades... (He bailed with his AP - I would not have divorced). So in my case, I would hope not.

 

So it all depends on the personality and the situation and did the person learn anything from the marriage and divorce...

[Blaze997]

Most cases I keep hearing, "Was an alcoholic" or "He cheated" or both.

 

Don't expect the whole truth when you are only getting one side of the story.

 

Previous divorces are an issue for me if I find out the woman was merciless in family court. Legal proceedings really bring out a person's true colors, and who wants that kind of negativity in their life? I especially wouldn't marry someone like that. To find out how merciless their divorces were, pretend to be on their side and get them to open up.

[d0nnivain]

For me it would at least be a yellow caution flag. I'd have to know more details.

 

My cousin has been divorced twice. His first wife lied to him & spent all of his money. He never should have married his 2nd wife but he really wanted kids & she was very young. he's also bad at being married but he needs a woman around to balance his life. It's hard to explain.

[Woggle]

It would be a red flag but not a dealbreaker in and of itself. There is a difference.

[Mirages]

I have a friend who is 50, 1st wife, clear mental disorder, 2nd, clear personality disorder "aggression/selfishness"

 

This guy, well had a not so good choice of life parters, a bit of a rescuer type, but he is top of the line human, I'd recommend him to most. So if a round 3 comes, after some study and experience where he failed, he would be an excellent candidate.

 

Some other folks I know (about 3) in the 3+ divorces league, typically had a high energy party lifestyle into their 40's and it short circuited each marriage, I think most of those did not learn, and did not settle down enough to appreciate a person rather than an experience. "An experience" = all about me whereas "A person," = some altruism, empathy.

[irc333]

Yeah, with people divorcing because they just "grew apart", which happens a lot, I'd probably be a deal breaker for me, because who knows if that person will get bored of me.

 

Oh wait, it's MY fault, because "I couldn't keep her interest!"

[Priv]

Having been married to someone who was my first and I her third, one thing I noticed was that it was easy for her to get divorced. She knew exactly how to process it, in totality. Pure business. Negotiate a deal and move on. She was divorced after six at 26 and after ten at 38 and we got married at 41 roughly and lasted around ten. Nice round number I guess.

 

I think I'll just pass in general. I got a whiff of that 'easy' part towards the latter end of our D and I didn't like the person I saw in the mirror. Better to be alone.

 

This. I would date her, hopefully for the rest of my life. I just would not marry her.

[tippydog90]

Having been divorced once with a second on the way, I would say that the circumstances have to be considered. Would I date a man that had been divorced twice? Not on your life if he was a serial cheater. Would I date a man that had been divorced twice whose wives were the cheaters or did something incredibly hurtful, yes more than likely.

 

In my case, the deeply personal traumatic aspects of my first marriage do not warrant discussion here but in no way was I not justified in divorcing the man. The second was emotionally abuse and used me from the beginning. I finally got tired of trying to love someone that could care less about me and had no interest in trying. So, I would like to think I would be given the benefit of the doubt, but then again if someone refused to do so, I wouldn't want to formulate a relationship with that person anyway....

[jackslife]

Most cases I keep hearing, "Was an alcoholic" or "He cheated" or both.

 

A very good mate of mine is about to be divorced (his second marriage).

 

His first wife, he simply shouldn't have married. He did it because at the time it was the "right thing to do". Sadly no loveshack around then for advice. Funnily enough she was an alcoholic.

 

He was with his second wife for 13 years and they have 2 beautiful children. But the marriage went bad a couple of years ago, maybe MC would have helped if caught early enough. She had an affair, confessed and wanted to end the marriage. He loves his kids but will be glad to see the back of her.

 

My buddys parents were married for years, and all he wanted was to meat a woman and marry her, have children and grow old together like his folks. Soon he will be divorced twice. He is good looking, (own hair and teeth) and has no problems getting dates. A decent man and still a very good catch for the right girl. But he will soon be a double divorcee.

 

A thought just occurred to me. These double divorcees may not be bad people, maybe they just choose badly. In which case if you meet one that wants to make you no. 3 - what does that say about you.

[Mysterio]

At age 43 and never married. I don't think that I would consciously get involved with a twice divorced woman.

 

She would have to be exceptional personality wise. I don't think I would even bother at this point. Or she would have to be the driving force to get us together.

 

Even first time divorce I would be wary. I would really have to be blown away by her.

[carhill]

This. I would date her, hopefully for the rest of my life. I just would not marry her.

Perhaps her current BF feels the same way. They've been living together since before our D was final four years ago and no marriage as far as I can tell. The only reason I'd know is because she still does the hair of some of my friend's wives. In fact, in MC, one of her stated reasons for being there was that she 'didn't want to become a three-time loser' (her exact words). I didn't exactly find that inspiring but I guess it was honest, and perhaps reflects perception of your reservations in such matters. However, it didn't stop her from getting right back into another relationship so there ya go!

[Mascara]

Yeah I think I'd be cautious. But from family circumstances, I know it can happen for very good reasons - my brothers first wife cheated on him, and his second was homesick for America - my brother couldn't go with her as he has sole custody of a child from his first marriage, and it's a condition of him having custody that he stays in the UK.

[Priv]

Perhaps her current BF feels the same way. They've been living together since before our D was final four years ago and no marriage as far as I can tell. The only reason I'd know is because she still does the hair of some of my friend's wives. In fact, in MC, one of her stated reasons for being there was that she 'didn't want to become a three-time loser' (her exact words). I didn't exactly find that inspiring but I guess it was honest, and perhaps reflects perception of your reservations in such matters. However, it didn't stop her from getting right back into another relationship so there ya go!

 

That seems very likely.

 

 

Thing is, abuse/infidelity etc. is only present in a minor part of divorces. Mostly it is because of incompatibility, lack of communication, arguing etc. Why would I ever marry anyone who walked away on a spouse because she wasn't in love anymore or it just wasn't working instead of working through it. To me that is not what a marriage is. Because what is the point of it all otherwise?!? Though this is coming from someone who has never been married. But like I said earlier, it is no dealbreaker. I just would not marry her.

[LuckyLady13]

Personally? One divorce is a dealbreaker for me. That's just where I am in my life. But two divorces? No way! Uh-uh. For two reasons:

 

Their judgement of people is so absolutely horrible they managed to get married twice to the wrong people so there's no way I'm letting them eye me up because apparently they have no idea how to pick people that are marriage worthy. I don't care what the circumstances were and I've heard it all, especially the "woman always cheat on me" routine. And oh how the tears flow from those guys too. They couldn't spot a cheater 10 miles away once? Maybe. Twice? And married them both? Talk about totally bad judgement I do not want to be involved with. No way. If the guy has that bad of judgement, I'd seriously be questioning his intelligence, reasoning and problem solving skills. I love smart guys and smart guys don't get themselves in a position to be divorced twice.

 

- Or -

 

They screwed up two marriages by cheating, being abusive, both or something else. Neglect? No thanks! Not my type.

 

I had 3 guys buy me engagement rings in my life and I never married one of them. And being that they are ex's, my judgement was dead on. It didn't work out and I spotted the problems when they didn't. And when I brought it up, they said they were interested in solving the problems we had but they never lifted a finger.

 

For me, marriage is for life and I just have yet to meet that person who is a problem solver and pro-active enough when something isn't going right to trust them. I don't ever want to be divorced EVER. I'd see that as a giant failure in my life. That's just how I see it. Most people don't feel that way.

 

The first guy who bought me a ring (pretty big too) turned around and cheated on me and his reason, according to him, was we didn't have sex enough. We had sex 7 times a day, every day. He was a sex-addict so I dodged that bullet. But he was faithful for a long time before that because apparently 7 times a day was good enough at first. So, nothing technically was wrong when he wanted to get engaged. It went wrong shortly after.

 

Some people have seen it as a red flag that I've never been married. They don't trust me to stick around. And I understand why they see it that way but typically these people are divorced so marriage didn't work out for them at all.

 

I will get married when I know I've met the person who sees it the way I do. It's for life. There is no option of divorce. We either work together as a team, always, and I trust this person to put in the work and effort I put into relationships...or forget it. Failure is just not an option.

[No Limit]

I'd tread with caution for sure. They all say he or she cheated etc, but who knows what the real reason was. Nobody will admit stuff like "I had 4 affairs and many ONS and then my wife found out and divorced me. Without even trying to reconcile, can you believe it!"

[Negative Nancy]

I consider one divorce a red flag. Unless her ex husband was truly abusive, was cheating on her, left her, or some other really bad story, I won't date a divorced woman. This is probably the biggest red flag I have.

 

Aren't you divorced yourself, you hypocrite?