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“You just have a slutty aura”


Lernaean_Hydra

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Lernaean_Hydra

It took me a long time to figure out how to word this problem without it seeming like a shameless humble-brag or some such but today, while recounting an incident to a friend she made a comment that made sense in an odd way so here it is...

 

The problem? I get hit on all the time. Fine. I live in a major city, it happens. But not only do I get hit on, I get hit on in an overtly sexual manner I’d say a good 70% of the time and continuously run into wildly inappropriate situations in which I’m repeatedly utterly floored by people’s audacity. It’s so hard to describe exactly what I’m talking about so I’ll just highlight a few incidences that have occurred recently to better make my point.

 

-I went on a proper date with a guy. We got along well but there had been no sexual talk or even hints thrown around - on either side. Afterwards, we were sitting in his car and while I’m chatting away I notice he was masturbating himself under his coat. :sick:

 

-I had some friends over the other night who then invited this girl – a complete stranger whom I had never met in my life – to come along. We all drank and talked and had a good time until this girl pulled me into my bedroom and says we needed to have “girl talk” without the guys around. 10 minutes later she’s removing her bra, asking me to caress her breasts and wondering if I thought her p**y was pretty. :eek: Again, no sexual talk or innuendo had been exchanged. AFAIK, we were both two straight women who'd just met.

 

- I was pulled over at a checkpoint and the cop who did so asked me to step out of the car. Rather than be concerned with the expired tags, he was much more interested in flirting, telling me how attractive he thought I was and “searching me” by running his hands up my dress, between my legs and cupping my butt!!

 

There are many others and at least one other that blows them all out of the water but you get the point. I just don't know why this happens to me or what to do about it. It's so far from being flattering now that it's actually become depressing. For some reason the I'm viewed as a sex doll and I've no idea how to change that.

 

All this is so absurd because all day I hear men bang on about how they're too afraid to even approach women with a simple hello for fear of being arrested for harassment yet I go to a coffee shop and the barista is telling me how he lives down the block and would I like to test out his mattress sometime with no sense of irony whatsoever...:mad:.

Edited by Lernaean_Hydra
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- I was pulled over at a checkpoint and the cop who did so asked me to step out of the car. Rather than be concerned with the expired tags, he was much more interested in flirting, telling me how attractive he thought I was and “searching me” by running his hands up my dress, between my legs and cupping my butt!!

 

 

Why the hell did you not report this cop? He was WAY over the line. Has no right WHATSOEVER to "search you". You should of gotten his badge number and made a formal complaint.

You have a responsibility to other woman to report authority figures that abusive their position in this way.

 

As for the rest of it... You are obviously extremely hot.

 

What's more important than this happening is how you deal with it.

Overt people trying their luck will always be around. If a woman stranger had done that to me... I probably would have just laughed in her face.

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All this is so absurd because all day I hear men bang on about how they're too afraid to even approach women with a simple hello for fear of being arrested for harassment yet I go to a coffee shop and the barista is telling me how he lives down the block and would I like to test out his mattress sometime with no sense of irony whatsoever...:mad:.

 

 

The men you hear saying that are men that would be too afraid to even approach women.PERIOD!!!

 

Saying it's because of something external of them, like the girl will report them because women are so messed up now....is to save face.

 

 

 

 

I have dated women that were very sexual without trying. One in particular behaved in a way I didn't really like and would get hit on a lot like you are. I don't know why you'd think that is anything to brag about. Literally, I'd go to the bathroom or to get drinks for us or whatever and dudes would swarm her. I go swimming with her at a resort pool and if I wasn't around her, some dude would be trying to chat her up. She was really good looking, but pretty much every girl I get with is very good looking and don't have this problem. To this degree.

 

She didn't dress like a slut and she wasn't throwing herself out there really. It's just....she is too nice and is in fact very sexual. Total fellatrix...OMG@! I talk to her and it's like the way she smiles, looks around and how she anwers back always made me think she was aroused. Which...she always seems to be.

 

I think other guys sense that about her too. Seriously, get a couple drinks in her and I think most guys could talk her into doing something sexual. I liked her, she's a good person. But I couldn't put up with that. I'd come back to her with dudes still there and she'd try to introduce me to the guy she just met. At first I just went along with it and just took it as being social.....but this was constant. Every mother****ing time. I just gave dudes the look like they better get the **** away, I know why you're here and it isn't just social. But she kept trying to be nice to them too. I'm not putting up with that.

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Oh, jeez. Disgusting, three for three.

 

I'm going with you're hanging around the wrong crowd. I'm saying even though I know you are highly intelligent, your radar isn't good and you are too tolerant. I will say this: People don't usually go from zero to 60 without first hitting 20 and 30, and I think you're either too tolerant and don't call them at 30 OR you cannot see the red flags.

 

Usually when women end up with a lot of weirdness around them, it is because they are too tolerant. A person makes a comment or some double-entendre or they leer at others or just seem off, but because of some environment growing up (could be innocent: a jokey father, a brother who makes double-entendres, a mother who trusts all men for no reason), they say to themselves, Okay, so that's how he is, well, whatever it's no big deal. And they let these people in by just being tolerant and nonjudgmental or sometimes by hoping to profit some way. If it's not that you are tolerant and mixing with the wrong crowd for whatever reason, then your radar is fatally flawed. You should be able to pick up on a lesbian eyeing you across the room or a guy getting himself worked up for no reason waaaaay before he puts his hand down his pants.

 

Now, I know from past posts that you are tolerant of your friend's lifestyle and you know in that crowd you're going to attract some real sidewinders. They're not going the monetary route for no reason.

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I wonder, if in the bitter irony of the world we live in, the guys that you are really looking for are too shy to approach you because you are that attractive.

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I have dated women that were very sexual without trying. One in particular behaved in a way I didn't really like and would get hit on a lot like you are. I don't know why you'd think that is anything to brag about. Literally, I'd go to the bathroom or to get drinks for us or whatever and dudes would swarm her. I go swimming with her at a resort pool and if I wasn't around her, some dude would be trying to chat her up. She was really good looking, but pretty much every girl I get with is very good looking and don't have this problem. To this degree.

 

She didn't dress like a slut and she wasn't throwing herself out there really. It's just....she is too nice and is in fact very sexual.

 

I had a gf like this and dated a girl for a bit just like this, and it was the same story. Evey time I went to the bar to get drinks or go to a toilet I'd come back and there would be dudes chatting her up or guys trying to dance with her when we were on the dance floor. I thought part of it was because they were very attractive and (prick) guys thought they could steal them away from me because she was out of my league. The girls seemed to like the attention, and just saw guys as being friendly but they never looked for the attention or needed the validation. They were not dumb girls either. They were just very outgoing sweet, fun loving, sociable, happy, friendly to anyone type people (which had them going out with me). They did not dress slutty but dressed in tight fitting gear, and they were always smiling, had beautiful eyes had a very approachable demeanor, and in one case like your gf, she was very sexual and I guess had that aroused look about her. When they had a few drinks their libidos took off and I gather from comments they made they had had a fair number of hookups that way. I had heard of a few crazy come on stories from them.

 

I'm guessing the OP might be somewhat similar for these girls. She has a sweet, very easy going bubbly nature, and is somewhat naive, and is oblivious to these people's intentions and leers and flirting in the lead up to the incident. It certainly sounds like she is a people pleaser type if she does not complain when a cop feels her up. Most women would be WTF, when the cop laid his hands on her ass over a registration issue. The cheeky bugger. It is not a bad thing to be this way and long as you enforce boundaries at the first sign of inappropriate behavior and be respectful of your bf when out.

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No offense, but the issue in these types of situations is often you, specifically the signals you send and the men you choose to date.

 

I'm hit on all the time. But guys universally lead with how well they'll treat me, and how they'll pull out all the stops if I agree to go on a date with them. They're on their best behavior on dates, especially early on and they make it clear that they're looking for something special.

 

A guy masturbating on a first date? What??? I would have made a joke that clearly he needs his private time and left. That would be our last contact.

 

I'm stopped by cops not infrequently. They might be a little flirty. But, ask me on a date or give me their number on a traffic stop? Definitely not! I would report them, and I'm sure they sense that. Cop a feel.:eek: Oh heck, no! They would definitely have no job after that, union or no union!

 

People are behaving this way because you're sending signals that it's okay and probably will be welcomed by you. And even though it's not okay with you, you're sticking around anyway as the behavior unfolds, reinforcing that they judged correctly in terms of where your boundaries lie.

 

Ask your friends why this might be happening to you, and what you might do differently to prevent it from starting. Should it start, it's up to you to react and give misbehaving folks some feedback long before it escalates to hands on private parts.

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This sounds almost unbelievable.

 

I may be thinking of the wrong person but didn't you just lose a significant amount of weight? If I am correct, it could be that you are enjoying the change and even the fact that men hit on you? Maybe you are sending the wrong signals.

 

Many, many women get hit on constantly and there are millions of beautiful hot women in this world, but most men don't approach the women like that. That's why it sounds very odd.

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Ha! No wonder we get along ;).

 

Had the same things happen to me too, except the "coat" pervert.

 

Today in the grocery store I had a mentally disabled woman lick her lips and make a crude remark about liking what she saw. I was, confused to say the least.

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I wonder, if in the bitter irony of the world we live in, the guys that you are really looking for are too shy to approach you because you are that attractive.

And this is why I usually do the approaching.

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It took me a long time to figure out how to word this problem without it seeming like a shameless humble-brag or some such but today, while recounting an incident to a friend she made a comment that made sense in an odd way so here it is...

 

The problem? I get hit on all the time. Fine. I live in a major city, it happens. But not only do I get hit on, I get hit on in an overtly sexual manner I’d say a good 70% of the time and continuously run into wildly inappropriate situations in which I’m repeatedly utterly floored by people’s audacity. It’s so hard to describe exactly what I’m talking about so I’ll just highlight a few incidences that have occurred recently to better make my point.

 

-I went on a proper date with a guy. We got along well but there had been no sexual talk or even hints thrown around - on either side. Afterwards, we were sitting in his car and while I’m chatting away I notice he was masturbating himself under his coat. :sick:

 

-I had some friends over the other night who then invited this girl – a complete stranger whom I had never met in my life – to come along. We all drank and talked and had a good time until this girl pulled me into my bedroom and says we needed to have “girl talk” without the guys around. 10 minutes later she’s removing her bra, asking me to caress her breasts and wondering if I thought her p**y was pretty. :eek: Again, no sexual talk or innuendo had been exchanged. AFAIK, we were both two straight women who'd just met.

 

- I was pulled over at a checkpoint and the cop who did so asked me to step out of the car. Rather than be concerned with the expired tags, he was much more interested in flirting, telling me how attractive he thought I was and “searching me” by running his hands up my dress, between my legs and cupping my butt!!

 

There are many others and at least one other that blows them all out of the water but you get the point. I just don't know why this happens to me or what to do about it. It's so far from being flattering now that it's actually become depressing. For some reason the I'm viewed as a sex doll and I've no idea how to change that.

 

All this is so absurd because all day I hear men bang on about how they're too afraid to even approach women with a simple hello for fear of being arrested for harassment yet I go to a coffee shop and the barista is telling me how he lives down the block and would I like to test out his mattress sometime with no sense of irony whatsoever...:mad:.

 

So......what are you doing this Friday ;)

 

Nah I'm kidding. :p

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chimpanA-2-chimpanZ

If a cop groped me I would write down his badge number and file a complaint.

If a barista or a worker anywhere asked me to "test out his mattress" I would report him to management.

If someone asked me to feel their breasts I would get up and leave.

 

Why aren't you doing this? It suggests a dramatic lack of self-respect. It sounds like you don't care about yourself, your integrity, or your body. Believe it or not, but that kind of attitude is just as visible as a lack of confidence or an overwhelming arrogance. My guess is it's the combination of your good looks and your complete inability to assert boundaries that make people think you're easy.

 

Stand up for yourself and demand the respect you deserve.

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Lernaean_Hydra, I was exactly like you 35 years ago.

 

Starting at the age of 13, I was molested, groped, approached, seduced, and solicited.

 

Sadly, back then, there was no internet advice forum - or anyone, for that matter - that I could approach or talk to about it. It is hard to describe now how much it screwed me up and made for a horrendous adolescence and early adulthood.

 

It twisted my sense of self and for years, I thought that all I was good for was as a sexual being for other people's pleasure. I didn't bother with having an orgasm because - well - what was the point? They didn't care about me anyway.

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Lernaean_Hydra, I was exactly like you 35 years ago.

 

Starting at the age of 13, I was molested, groped, approached, seduced, and solicited.

 

Sadly, back then, there was no internet advice forum - or anyone, for that matter - that I could approach or talk to about it. It is hard to describe now how much it screwed me up and made for a horrendous adolescence and early adulthood.

 

It twisted my sense of self and for years, I thought that all I was good for was as a sexual being for other people's pleasure. I didn't bother with having an orgasm because - well - what was the point? They didn't care about me anyway.

I gave this a "like", but I am so very sorry to hear this Carrie :(. And unfortunately I can relate to this as well.

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For some reason the I'm viewed as a sex doll and I've no idea how to change that.

 

One thing may be how you're dressing?

 

I don't know if that has anything to do with it, because some ladies can't dress down their curves without wearing clothes that are way too big and unprofessional, but it might be something to look at. Not saying you shouldn't be able to dress however you want without getting molested, but underplaying your femininity can possibly help. Hate to tell you to make yourself less attractive with hairstyle, etc. too, but it may reduce some of the unwanted attention.

 

You also might be "too friendly" for comfort. That's another one where it seems very sad to have to tell you to be less friendly - but approachable, attractive women are prime targets for unwanted attention too.

 

I think you spent a lot of your life very heavy, and so you may not have ingrained some of these habits earlier on in terms of how to avoid a certain type of sexual harassment.

 

Sounds like you don't know how to say "no" or put out that vibe very well either, which is a problem for a lot of women.

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LivingWaterPlease

How to get answers to your dilemma:

 

1. Ask those you are close to for suggestions on why men may be treating you this way.

 

2. Do a little self-evaluation of your dress and behavior.

 

3. Check out the way women you know who are attractive and yet get respect from men dress and behave.

 

4. Ask some of the guys who are disrespecting you why they feel they can approach you that way.

 

5. Notice the celebrity women no one respects and check out how they dress, wear their make up, etc. so you'll have guidelines as to how not to dress and behave.

 

6. Notice the celebrity women who are respected and check out how they dress and behave. For instance, Catherine the Duchess of Cambridge. She always looks attractive but because her position demands respect and admiration she dresses modestly.

 

Imho, the things you can do right away to get more respect are to be sure you keep your cleavage covered, don't wear extremely tight clothing and stay away from dresses, skirts and shorts that reveal too much leg. I'm not recommending skirt's/short's length, or how loose your clothing should be. Just use your own good judgement.

 

The more modestly you dress and behave, while taking care to wear clothing that flatters you, the more respect you'll get. Some people would rather dress in a way that shows off their body and deal with disrespect than to dress modestly and be treated well. It's really a choice a woman makes. But, imho, it's possible to look and dress beautifully while still being modest. Attractive women who are also modest are treated with the most respect, it seems to me.

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Lernaean_Hydra
If a cop groped me I would write down his badge number and file a complaint.

If a barista or a worker anywhere asked me to "test out his mattress" I would report him to management.

If someone asked me to feel their breasts I would get up and leave.

 

Why aren't you doing this? It suggests a dramatic lack of self-respect. It sounds like you don't care about yourself, your integrity, or your body. Believe it or not, but that kind of attitude is just as visible as a lack of confidence or an overwhelming arrogance. My guess is it's the combination of your good looks and your complete inability to assert boundaries that make people think you're easy.

 

I'm going to respond to the rest later but I just glanced back at this thread and absolutely had to address this little gem because it's frankly a little absurd and way too presumptuous.

 

Why on earth are you assuming I just sat back and let myself be sexually harassed rather than take action?? When people disrespect me they quickly find out what a mistake that really was. And it doesn't happen again.

 

I'm sorry but I have plenty of self-respect and care a good deal about myself, my integrity and most certainly my body. I started this thread to seek advice on WHY this might be happening and how to stop it. Not to ask how to handle myself in situations I do not wish to be in.

Edited by Lernaean_Hydra
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I am so sorry for all the women that get treated this way.

I think it's why I never "just went for it." These incidents show exactly why a woman absolutely needs to be defensive/protective. The year is 2014 and society is still: 1) Miles from being "post racial." 2) Incapable of seeing the connection between gay rights and the Civil rights movement. 3) Still not honoring/valuing women at the level of equality they deserve.

 

WTF man.:(

 

PS, I see the comments that allude to the fault being yours and I'm thinking the only thing YOU NEED to do is kick more ass or balls depending on the situation. (And send me pics.) <I'm absolutely kidding here.

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The thing is, just as with any other feedback given in these threads. ... if this an going pattern... there's more to the story and you might want to consider the common denominator may be with you.

 

I mean the only thing I've heard this happening is when out on a date a man moves too fast and such, but never heard of such random encounters.

 

 

I'm going to respond to the rest later but I just glanced back at this thread and absolutely had to address this little gem because it's frankly a little absurd and way too presumptuous.

 

Why on earth are you assuming I just sat back and let myself be sexually harassed rather than take action?? When people disrespect me they quickly find out what a mistake that really was. And it doesn't happen again.

 

I'm sorry but I have plenty of self-respect and care a good deal about myself, my integrity and most certainly my body. I started this thread to seek advice on WHY this might be happening and how to stop it. Not to ask how to handle myself in situations I do not wish to be in.

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Lernaean_Hydra
The thing is, just as with any other feedback given in these threads. ... if this an going pattern... there's more to the story and you might want to consider the common denominator may be with you.

 

I mean the only thing I've heard this happening is when out on a date a man moves too fast and such, but never heard of such random encounters.

 

Well yes, it's a given that the common denominator is me, however I'm not sure how much "more to the story" there could possibly be.

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Well yes, it's a given that the common denominator is me, however I'm not sure how much "more to the story" there could possibly be.

Dude, don't worry about these types of comments. No matter what you might "do" (gain weight, cut your hair off, have a constant "bitch-face") people are going to approach you in weird ways (trust me, I tried all these methods to protect myself from such encounters).

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