Potential date is asking why i do not have friends

[datingtard]

Hello to all the good guys and girls here

 

It's already late now, typing this past midnight. Just felt i had to let my thoughts and emotions out. I am looking for opinions/genuine reasons, so if anyone who is in the same position/ has experienced the same could share some advice, would be glad to hear from you.

 

As an introduction, i am a very introverted person, have been so since high school and university and now even at the workplace.. And I have wondered why eversince. I have read many online articles, self help discussions about this and for a moment they were enlightening. I have realised that it is very difficult indeed to change who i am, and i have tried but failed, because i realised it is hard to be someone i am not. Even if I adopted a change, I don't think I would be able to sustain my extroversion for long, let alone for a few days.

 

As a result of my introversion, I don't really have a lot of friends, let alone any true friend. And I do feel lonely at times when there's nobody to talk to, nobody to share something from the heart. I believe it takes a lot of trust and mutual understanding to be able to confide something personal in a friend and at the same time be humble and willing to expose and admit my own flaws/ shortcomings to somebody without damaging my self esteem. (I am a proud person and i am currently still fixing this proud attitude of mine. I realised that I have to open up so that others could help me be better or at least be true to myself rather than denying who i really am whilst trying so hard to conform to society's standards, ie being outgoing, extroverted and etc)

 

So, I was actually looking to have a relationship with a female partner online and this girl responded to me, we met twice. But she was asking me why I do not have any friends, and she was also so inquisitive about my social life, which in reality i do not have one (due to work schedules requiring me to be on call, spending time with family and spending alone time)

 

I told her i used to have this best friend of mine, but he is not like me as he has a lot of superficial friends, maybe good friends to say as well. So she kept asking me whether i have given my bestie a call.. which i hadn't contacted for about 2 years now. Apart from that, she was also asking if i even spend time with colleagues/ cousins. I told her the truth is maybe once every 2 months.

 

I am feeling quite downbeat now. I know I feel lonely and I need to get friends but the way she was asking is reinforcing how badly i have felt all these years. Sure I would love to have a close true friend rather than making a whole lot of acquaintances. Right now, I am under the impression I have got to 'fix' my social life and get friends based on what she is saying. I am also thinking whether i might get jealous later on if I ended up in a relationship with her later, where she spends time with her gfs and me just being left alone.

 

I am tired of becoming someone i am not comfortable to be. It's better to be myself and be happy and take time to make some genuine friends. Sometimes I just don't understand. I know there are many girls out there.. I met up with 7 different girls online and didn't contact them afterwards.

 

Anyone could relate to this? Thanks.

[Mirages]

OK, your path has some resemblence to mine. Since I am mid-30's and have taken the time to look over what happened, I can offer a guess as to where things may head.

 

Introversion is a quality, not a disorder, social anxiety however is more "disorder." I was a bit socially anxious, aloof, introvert. I learned by the age of 20 to remain an introvert, but have the confidence to chat with or handle anyone at any level. How is that done?

 

Try some time in certain workplaces, perhaps a Navy submarine crew (extreme example), that can break you out of the shell.

 

As to why your date wants to check into this:

1) Creepy guys can have no friends, normal folks don't want them.

2) Non-creepy guys can be non-interesting to speak with if they have nothing to talk about because they are disconnected.

3) Divorced guys typically have few friends for about a year, well this happens for a few reasons, but it happens; nothing to judge them by, it is situational.

 

You realize you have a problem, that is the start. If you have a particular interest, i.e. programming, whatever, can you join a meetup group related to it? Is a church of interest to you (the seeker type churches really will not check you at the door, it is welcoming, be yourself)? Do you feel that you would be fair to a significant other while dealing with your issue?

 

One last tactic: Since I perceive that you are not ready for a relationship, and have women halfway interested in you, can you "friendzone" one of them with a clear confession of the matter, they might just be the friend you seek (while abandoning the dating concept with that one). Really knowing yourself, and confidently expressing it can earn respect with them.

 

Good luck.

[TheyCallMeOx]

I can't personally relate to it. At the moment, I only have a couple of friends: one of them lives in another state, and the other one has been a friend since high school. I've had small groups of friends before but I gave them up for an ex-girlfriend (bad mistake), and the others I lost after the break-up. Sometimes I'm okay with it, and sometimes I wish I had more people to talk to. Even though I can't exactly relate to you, I will say that a little bit of research on Google says that introversion is not a bad quality. You shouldn't feel ashamed for who you are. With all our personality traits and decisions we make, we always have to keep in mind our quality of life. If introversion is a part of who you are, and you're happy with taking the time to make some "genuine friends," there is no problem. Everybody goes their own rate on everything: whether it's financial, personal, sexual, etc. The purpose of relationships isn't to find someone who can help speed up those processes, but to complement those processes. You're not necessarily looking for a partner to agree with the way you do things, but you're looking for someone who understands it, or willing to understand it with an open mind.

 

If you don't have friends, people are going to ask questions, and rightly so. I wouldn't want to date a woman who is anti-social, or just hates people in general. Having no friends would give me the impression that it's the reason; initially, at least. However, if she's got a certain personality trait that makes logical sense, such as "introversion," then that's something I can work with. But if a woman questions you and makes you feel like you need to do something you're not comfortable doing, then there's some kind of communication issue, and possibly a compatibility issue as well.

 

You're okay to feel lonely. Robin Williams said:

 

“I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone.”

 

Like introversion, asexuality isn't a problem, either. If people aren't interested in sex, that's fine. Do they have temptation to have sex? I don't see why not. What society wants you to be is not your concern. It doesn't matter what society thinks or what one particular woman thinks. If you're generally happy with yourself, you don't need to change yourself for anybody for any reason. If you're okay with getting friendships at a slow rate, that's okay. Are you going to feel lonely sometimes even if you're introverted? I don't see why not. If you're lonely to the extent that you're bringing yourself down, you're lowering your quality of life and therefore...yeah, it probably would be a good idea to get some friends. However, that's only if that's how you feel.

 

You want a woman who can make you feel comfortable with who you are. I'm sure there's women out there in the same situation as you. It might be harder to find them, sure, but they're out there.

 

The beautiful thing about finding a woman who complements your introversion is that when, and if, she does go out with her girlfriends, she'll do her best to make you feel comfortable. However, if you get into a relationship who isn't introverted or doesn't understand introversion, then she'll drop off the Earth for several hours with a bunch of girls, and you WILL get jealous.

[preraph]

Before you can expect to be successful at dating, you have to get successful at making friends and being social. No one is going to want to just hole up with you so you can have sex and be your only friend. Or if they do, they shouldn't because it isn't healthy. There is a difference between being an introvert and a recluse. I am quite introverted, but I won't allow myself to be reclusive because people need friends and social skills to do well in life.

[datingtard]

thanks mirages..yeah i kinda agree with you.. we all do background checks on people we hang out with..Well as for me, couldn't really have the luxury of a free weekend for church as i don't have a fixed schedule. Even if I go to church, I would still feel like an outsider even after a few months. I guess I have got to join a cell to be intimate with the members. The church is quite big. I was thinking maybe i could learn some musical instruments to be so i could jam with liek minded people, of course that's just a dream which is often fleeting. I think there would be a problem if a significant other has to have her own time and me being overly insecured/jealous/left without nothing to do, esp if she's goes out a lot and that I am jealous.

 

Being friends with her is a good step though, if dating is unlikely. Thanks anyway.

[Mirages]

There are some college courses available, which are not degree tied. These, such as MS Office tuturials, Six Sigma, even carpentry, you know, the list goes on.

 

I think that taking such a class as time permits may help.

 

if a significant other has to have her own time and me being overly insecured/jealous/left without nothing to do,

 

I would not seek a classic extrovert (for me), but likewise, I'd be equally unhappy with a person who's identity is entirely me. It may be healthier to let them run a bit, this isn't 1950's America where the man is the worker and the woman sits at home hatching kids and agreeing with everything he does.

[GravityMan]

It's understandable for her to ask why you don't have friends. She probably finds it odd and maybe even a bit worrisome. The VAST majority of people in their teens, 20s and 30s has at least one current friend. Even most introverts, shy people, troubled people, etc. It's just very uncommon not to have friends. Humans are wired to want connections with other people and to be at least mildly social.

 

If a young adult doesn't have any friends, there are reason(s) why...and 95% of those reasons are not good.

Bad reasons: person is a hermit, person is antisocial, person has an extreme case of S.A.D., etc.

Acceptable reason: person is new to town and hasn't had much time to meet others locally...but he/she likely has long-distance friends from their old place and they likely use social media to keep in touch.

[vjk]

..The VAST majority of people in their teens, 20s and 30s has at least one current friend. Even most introverts, shy people, troubled people, etc. It's just very uncommon not to have friends.

 

How could you know how common this is? I'm sure you heard the saying: If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? If someone doesn't have any close connections, there's probably no one to take notice of it. I would bet it's far more common than you think.

[Teknoe]

OP, I can kind of relate. I don't have a social circle, really. Oh sure, I have some acquaintances, be it from work, church or miscellaneous (i.e. college, childhood, etc.) but I don't have anyone I can say is a friend that I see regularly (say twice a month). I prefer to spend my time alone. When I'm with people, it's usually my brother and his wife. Or my cousins.

 

You either change, or find someone to date who has a similar lifestyle. It's that simple. Your life, your choice!

 

Me, I'm OK being single so yeah... I'm in no rush to change my lifestyle, although I do want to be a little more outgoing, more consistently.

 

Good luck! While I agree with the premise that people like to do a background check, and I can respect anyone whose dealbreakers includes "Must have friends"... if she is that way then she's not the right one for you, anyway. Just another way of viewing it.