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past experiences, cautiousness, and a repeating cycle.


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So , before I get started with my little rant here, let me preface by saying I'm over my ex as the individual, but not quite the title.

 

I do not wish to be with her ever again, because she betrayed me, liked to hurt me with words, and did carious other shady things that I'll never be able to respect or trust her for. However, there were a lot of situations where we would find ourselves in as significant others than I miss so frickin much that it causes physical pain in my chest cavity to think about.

 

Now, last night I had a very vivid, detailed dream about her. Not too out of the ordinary, and easy to me to overcome. So my alarm goes off, and I snooze through it about four times because I just wanted to stay in that moment where I had the feelings I used to have back. ( not FOR her, but FROM her, if that makes any sense )

 

Yesterday I picked up some shampoo because mine ran out. Picked up some dry scalp head and shoulders because my head had been itching a lot lately.

 

This morning I , very clumsily and half asleep, knocking over all the bottles in the shower as I did it, popped open the new bottle and began lathering. At first I was like " wow, that smells good , where have I smelled that before " and then I almost threw up when I remembered this was the shampoo my ex used. The smell that I would smell for hours at a time as we lazily lay in bed , watching TV, and I would have my face buried in her hair. The smell was relaxing, euphoric, and intoxicating. Now the smell is haunting, and not pleasant to me at all.

 

The say its the strongest sense tied to memory and I feel it. All day long today its all I can smell. And thats making me pretty sad.

 

Not sad because I miss her, but sad because Im so tired of not being able to share experiences and create new memories with some one else, which leads me to my next problem here.

My last two relationships both destroyed my heart, in different yet equally painful ways. This has made me really hesitant to make myself vulnerable in any kind of emotional way.

 

Combine that with some default shyness, possible abandonment issues, and just general rejection experience, I find it incredibly hard to get this started back up again, even though I REALLY would like to find another girl to have a relationship with.

 

Now I've put myself out there, a lot, a LOT, the past two years. I've been rejected a lot as well. It always seems to have a more painful sting for me than it does for others, and even though it always hurts, and it always happens, I still keep trying. And I still keep getting rejected.

 

While trying to put this into an analogy, I came up with : I basically feel like I'm a golden retriever that just wants to be loved, and given a little bit of affection, however whenever I approach some one hoping they will metaphorically pet me, as in give me the opportunity to show them who I am as a person, they pull out a giant red whiffle ball bat and smack me right across the face with it. I keep trying though, even though my memory is filled with memories of getting hit in the face with this bat over and over and over again, I still keep trying.

 

Now Im so tired of getting the bat to the face, that my brain is telling my heart to retreat. You can't get hurt if you keep to yourself and put the armor up. That's the logical part speaking. NY heart, the emotional side, does everything in its power to override this, and most of the time it succeeds, only to be hit with a fat " I told you so " from my logical side when that bat comes out and smacks me in the face, yet again.

 

 

I'm at an I pass here, and I'm not really quite sure what to do. I'm tired of being emotionally alone, yet I'm terrified of another 2 years of getting rejected, or even worse, getting in close and then getting burned again. I have little to no faith in humanity as a whole, and I find it very hard to trust people when I first meet them because so many people have hurt me , used me, taken advantage of me in my life that I've adopted a " screw everyone else, I have myself and that's all I need " attitude. But the heart longs for a companion, and I just don't know how to survive the tug of war going on between my heart and my brain.

 

 

I guess I'm not really sure what I'm asking for, other than to hear me out, and offer advice from.those who may have been able to pull themselves out of a similar situation.

 

I should go back to work now, DAMN THIS STUPID SHAMPOO.

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The only wat to avoid heartbreak is to never have a relationship. For the majority of us most of our relationships ended in heartbreak, even if you do the dumping. It is what it is. You just need to get back up on the horse and start riding again....put on a brave face and you will find happiness again. Relationships will come and go in your life. With the lessons you learn from them prepare you for marriage. You learn what to avoid, how to communicate, share, love and be love, trust, compromise sacrifce, and fulfull expectations. That is what dating is all about. You have to kick a few tires before you find the right one for you.

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The only wat to avoid heartbreak is to never have a relationship. For the majority of us most of our relationships ended in heartbreak, even if you do the dumping. It is what it is. You just need to get back up on the horse and start riding again....put on a brave face and you will find happiness again. Relationships will come and go in your life. With the lessons you learn from them prepare you for marriage. You learn what to avoid, how to communicate, share, love and be love, trust, compromise sacrifce, and fulfull expectations. That is what dating is all about. You have to kick a few tires before you find the right one for you.

 

I've kicked many... many... many tires in the last two years.

 

 

I haven't ever stopped trying, its basically autopilot, but the negative feelings cascade with each failed attempt.

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Supernatural

Peace is a lie, there is only passion.

Through passion I gain strength.

Through strength I gain power. Through power I gain victory.

Through victory my chains are broken. The force shall free me.

 

Pulls out red wiffle ball bat

...Batters up.

Edited by Supernatural
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TouchedByViolet

You are too awesome to be single forever. The right person will enter your life one day...

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You are too awesome to be single forever. The right person will enter your life one day...

 

The question is, is there even going to be anything left of my emotional side by the time that happens? Or will that part have withered and died and I'll be the robot I always knew I could be, shooting laser beams out of my eyes and stuff?

 

By robot mean all logic no emotion. Every day I get closer and closer to that purely out of defense, and self preservation of sanity.

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SummerDreams
The question is, is there even going to be anything left of my emotional side by the time that happens? Or will that part have withered and died and I'll be the robot I always knew I could be, shooting laser beams out of my eyes and stuff?

 

By robot mean all logic no emotion. Every day I get closer and closer to that purely out of defense, and self preservation of sanity.

 

This is what you think you do, and maybe you really do it, but when the time comes the emotions will overflow you and you will be ready to love again. But you have to know, love requires to be ready to be hurt cause in true love you just give yourself to the other person and you ask for nothing back. Don't be scared that your emotions will vanish cause some people rejected you, hurt you or dumped you. It's like what they say about sex that it's like the bike, you never forget to ride the bike, you never forget how to love. It's in our dna.

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I completely understand where you are. I am a step ahead of you, I have become the robot already. I have stopped caring and I cannot be hurt anymore. They can reject me, leave, disappear, abandon me...I doubt it will even pinch me. It's not a bad place to be. It allows me to date a lot without getting emotionally attached. Even though I date around the clock I am not looking anymore....no, I am out there simply waiting for someone to find me.

 

Someone will find you, it's a promise. Like the above poster said you are too awesome to not be found.

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Patience has never been one of my stronger traits. Let's see what meetup is all about, shall we?

 

 

 

 

I might even have to consider moving, but I really don't want to do that as I've been here my entire life, and have a good job.

 

 

 

I'll save that idea for later.

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I'd just like to quote a fellow LS poster, I believe it was Mr Nate 2.0 when he said "Here's a tampon"

 

Brool Story Co.

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Before I started dating my husband, I went through 8 months of crappy relationships that went nowhere, and bad dates. I decided to take 1 year and a half off from everything just to breath freely for awhile. It was worth it.

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Snakechammah

I can't remember who said this but this is my very favourite quote:

 

"One day someone will walk into your life and show you why it never worked out with anyone else."

 

:bunny:

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You know, the intense pain my beloved ex delivered to me served to immunize me from anybody else's rejection for over 15 years. That's how bad it hurt.

 

When I met my wife, I somehow knew I was going to marry her. Unfortunately, she had no idea about that, and wouldn't return my calls.

 

This "rejection" didn't phase me a bit, and I persisted until she said she'd let me meet up with her for happy hour. We've been together ever since.

 

Keep your chin up, even if you take a few extra uppercuts. You'll never find love if you look for it. Just learn how to be the best you you're able to be, and love will come find you.

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Supernatural
You know, the intense pain my beloved ex delivered to me served to immunize me from anybody else's rejection for over 15 years. That's how bad it hurt.

 

When I met my wife, I somehow knew I was going to marry her. Unfortunately, she had no idea about that, and wouldn't return my calls.

 

This "rejection" didn't phase me a bit, and I persisted until she said she'd let me meet up with her for happy hour. We've been together ever since.

 

Keep your chin up, even if you take a few extra uppercuts. You'll never find love if you look for it. Just learn how to be the best you you're able to be, and love will come find you.

 

I'm in this stage right now. This gives me hope with my future wife :)

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Before I started dating my husband, I went through 8 months of crappy relationships that went nowhere, and bad dates. I decided to take 1 year and a half off from everything just to breath freely for awhile. It was worth it.

 

You do realise that there are millions, upon millions of men who would see just 26 months of being single/crappy relationships as a dream come true right?

 

Many men will go decades or even their entire life without being intimate with a woman, let alone your 26 month 'struggle'

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Smilecharmer

I thank every idiot chick who broke my husbands heart because when he met me he knew I was his one. If they had held onto him and been halfway decent he might have never been free for me and I am grateful for him everyday. He is the person I needed, wanted, and desired. They let him see the value in me because some of them were just so awful. I saw the gem from the first and he has only became more to me over the years. Your one is looking frantically for you, kissing some toads and breaking guys hearts who aren't you. It is hard to recognize until you find the perfect, most lovely person in the world and you are in awe at how much you like them, adore them, want them and love them. She is looking for you too wondering the same thing you are. You will heal each other just like my husband and I healed each other.

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You do realise that there are millions, upon millions of men who would see just 26 months of being single/crappy relationships as a dream come true right?

 

Many men will go decades or even their entire life without being intimate with a woman, let alone your 26 month 'struggle'

 

We are talking apples to oranges here. I don't suffer from social anxiety that prevents me from having relationships. I was expressing that talking a break and focusing on other things in my life was a healthier choice than trying to chase down someone for a relationship. I wasn't looking for sympathy jackass.

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