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Ladies, I would appreciate your perspective


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Just to give some background information, I have been diagnosed with mild Asperger's and ADHD. I will admit I don't have great insight or any experience about the social intricacies and value of emotional connection in a relationship. So, I just wanted to ask a few questions and will really appreciate any advice to relate to women better in the context of a relationship. If your not familiar with Asperger's, here is a link that gives a basic rundown of all the relationship issues that comes from being in a relationship with an Asperger's man: Asperger's and Relationships: Common Issues

One of my main concerns is that it doesn't come naturally, if at all, to understand, process and experess my feelings. It just is one of those sensory overload things when I try to connect my emotions to my thoughts, it always feels overwhelming and I'm unable to produce clear thoughts. I don't how to reassure a woman or show I don't mean to be insensitive and neglect her emotional needs because I'm not always open with my feelings. I've recently started going to behavioral/cognitive therapy for this issue. But, for me this is one of those quirks that will be a life long deal that I will have to work on and I'll have my days where I'll forget and lose sight of what I learned. I wish I could quantify it into words what affection and emotional intimacy means to a woman from her eyes and the deeper implications that come with it.

 

Another topic I was curious about is spontaneity vs. scheduling time for sex/quality time. If you read the link, another quirk about me is that have a narrow range of interests and can often get too caught up in something. I guess it's one of those guy things where they need to tackle one thing at time and are persistent about finding a solution, except that's a little more emphasized in my case. Anyways, to manage my many obligations (emotional, social and school), I have a daily time planner that explicitly lays out my tasks and obligations. I feel like it would help me if I schedule quality/sex time with my future partner so I would be more conscious about and don't become overwhelmed by it since it becomes a routine in my mind. But, I also get the sense this doesn't sound very romantic to many girls and would take a lot of the excitement/spontaneity/passion out of a relationship if quality/sex time was predictable. Initially, I might be overwhelmed trying to process all the emotional input from a woman and using that to relate to her thoughts. I hope once time goes on, that process will become easier for me. But, like I said, it's a slow grinding process that I envision bringing some frustration. Considering where I'm coming from, how could I come to a compromise that gets the best of both worlds? I'm not good at picking up nonverbal cues and what not, so maybe some revealing indirect hints to help me along? Experiencing new things together? I guess any simple ideas that inspire excitement and romance. I've never dated or been in a relationship for that matter and some of these problems will go away with experience, I hope. But, it's nice to go in with a little more emotional/social intelligence that what I have now. I appreciate you ladies taking the time to read all this and welcome any advice you have.

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my advice is that you just have to find a woman and be honest about your syndrome/symptoms immediately. if a woman knows about your needs from the start and the fact that there will be scheduling of tasks, and that emotional expressions will be awkward, etc. are going to be part of the romance it'll be better for you than if she learns that later on. from my own experience (a brother with a mental illness), it's best to meet a girl who either has a condition of some sort herself, has a family member with something similar to what you have, or is in a caring profession. you will find that these types of women have an easier time with stuff like this and might even be familiar with your needs. not saying other women aren't caring, but it does take effort to be with someone who has needs that are unique from most. and scheduling sex isn't a turn-off, it works for lots of working couples and can actually increase anticipation.

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my advice is that you just have to find a woman and be honest about your syndrome/symptoms immediately. if a woman knows about your needs from the start and the fact that there will be scheduling of tasks, and that emotional expressions will be awkward, etc. are going to be part of the romance it'll be better for you than if she learns that later on. from my own experience (a brother with a mental illness), it's best to meet a girl who either has a condition of some sort herself, has a family member with something similar to what you have, or is in a caring profession. you will find that these types of women have an easier time with stuff like this and might even be familiar with your needs. not saying other women aren't caring, but it does take effort to be with someone who has needs that are unique from most. and scheduling sex isn't a turn-off, it works for lots of working couples and can actually increase anticipation.

 

By immediately, you don't mean the first time I actually meet her? lol...It is kind of an awkward subject to bring up but hopefully I can just put it out there when the time is right. One thing I can't seem to shake is that I can't see past affection and attention as just a way to fulfill a social need. It might be easier for me to be more aware and work towards a compromise to meet those needs if someone explicitly explained what kind of fulfillment or value emotional intimacy brings to their lives. Anyways thank you for your advice and hopefully others will come by and offer their insights. I kind of ask this question out of desperation and curiosity since I just can't seem to think abstractly about this subject and at least hearing other people's point of views gives me something to think about.

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Well, may I ask what is it that YOU want out of a romantic relationship? It is true that a lot of women may be frustrated by the lack of spontaneity, but there are more stoic women out there who like to live very structured lives. Those might be a good fit for you. I don't know.

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Well, may I ask what is it that YOU want out of a romantic relationship? It is true that a lot of women may be frustrated by the lack of spontaneity, but there are more stoic women out there who like to live very structured lives. Those might be a good fit for you. I don't know.

 

I'm sorry it took me awhile to respond. I truthfully was stumped when you asked me what I want out a romantic relationship? When I think about it, I'd like to feel like I'd have a meaningful impact on someone's lives(s). Umm, right now I don't think about it terms of emotive connotations like connecting with people or affection and what not. Maybe it'll change once I find the right person, but idk as of now. I've never really received attention or affection so I just don't expect it out of my partner. A lot of times, I like to keep to myself and try to solve my problems internally. But yeah, when I think of in terms of just having a meaningful impact on someone, it doesn't seem like there is love attached to it on the surface. I could say I want to have a meaningful impact on my friends, family and what not and it would be the same thing.

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I'm sorry it took me awhile to respond. I truthfully was stumped when you asked me what I want out a romantic relationship? When I think about it, I'd like to feel like I'd have a meaningful impact on someone's lives(s). Umm, right now I don't think about it terms of emotive connotations like connecting with people or affection and what not. Maybe it'll change once I find the right person, but idk as of now. I've never really received attention or affection so I just don't expect it out of my partner. A lot of times, I like to keep to myself and try to solve my problems internally. But yeah, when I think of in terms of just having a meaningful impact on someone, it doesn't seem like there is love attached to it on the surface. I could say I want to have a meaningful impact on my friends, family and what not and it would be the same thing.

 

Well, if you are not even sure what you want, then why not just go out there, date various types of women, and have fun? Think of it as an experiment to figure out which type of women are suitable for you and to discover what you want in a relationship? It's hard to give any specific advice other than this at this point.

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Well, if you are not even sure what you want, then why not just go out there, date various types of women, and have fun? Think of it as an experiment to figure out which type of women are suitable for you and to discover what you want in a relationship? It's hard to give any specific advice other than this at this point.

 

What you're saying is to deal with my limited ability to express my feelings clearly by connecting my emotions to my thoughts, I just have to meet the right type of woman that canhelp me feel comfortable in that regard. I agree that it's a start but I think there's more to it that that. What I was mainly trying to ask is how to approach a discussion about how I'm not always able to openly discuss my feelings and how to make her feel assured about the relationship as a whole. Then that's where my questions about the value of attention and emotional connection come into play. I was asking for other people's insights so I can become more lnowledgeable and conscious about the deeper motivations of love.

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What you're saying is to deal with my limited ability to express my feelings clearly by connecting my emotions to my thoughts, I just have to meet the right type of woman that canhelp me feel comfortable in that regard. I agree that it's a start but I think there's more to it that that. What I was mainly trying to ask is how to approach a discussion about how I'm not always able to openly discuss my feelings and how to make her feel assured about the relationship as a whole. Then that's where my questions about the value of attention and emotional connection come into play. I was asking for other people's insights so I can become more lnowledgeable and conscious about the deeper motivations of love.

 

Love is something you have to experience. It cannot be easily explained. That's why I suggest to just go dating and see what happens. I don't know if you can make someone feel assured about the relationship when you're at a stage where you don't even know what you want. Start slow. Don't expect to understand all these things through an intellectual discussion. Some things just have to be experienced. I mean, if you want to reveal your Aspergers on the first date, then just simply tell them that you have this condition and that it could make it harder to express feelings. Tell them just what you told us here. That while you may not know how to express yourself, it doesn't mean that you don't care.

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Before getting into a relationship or even dating why don't you start by just bring more social and making more friends to interact with. I'm fairly certain that you will learn a lot from them especially on how to read body language and emotion in a non verbal way. You can tell them your situation and perhaps thru will help you out. Believe it or not though you can even do a quick google search on the different types of faces we make by using certain types of muscles in our face to express emotion. This will help you better interpret emotion by reading muscular movements in the face. Each emotion is after all a specific combination of flexed or extended muscles, so learning to read those would be crucial for anyone as a matter a fact.

 

Good luck

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