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29 year old guy, never been in a relationship...


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This is a bit difficult for me to type but I'm hoping some of you might be able to offer some advice.

 

I'm a 29 year old guy and I have never been in any type of relationship with a woman before. I've never even been intimate with a woman before. It just hasn't happened for me. It's not that I'm not interested in women, I'm very much interested. I adore women! I would love nothing more than to spend my life with a woman and have a family, all of the normal things people do. It just hasn’t happened yet.

 

I wish I could say that I had an excuse as to why I never pursued a relationship. Heck, I've never even asked out a woman. The truth is that I've always been very cautious and I guess a bit afraid of letting someone into my life on the most personal of levels. I've had women show interest in me but it's never really amounted to anything because I would always back out of it before anything could really happen.

 

I spent most of my 20's trying to figure out about myself. Who I was, where I was going, what I wanted out of life, things of that nature. Now as I approach the age of 30, I feel as though I'm finally starting to put the pieces together. Things are starting to "click" as they say and I feel as though I've finally reached a point where I am both mentally and physically ready to enter into a relationship with someone. The problem is I don't know how.

 

Most guys my age have at least some experience in by this point but I've got NOTHING. I'm as skilled with the opposite sex as I was when I was in 6th grade. Okay, that's not entirely true but you get the point. I feel as though I've missed out on so much and I don't really know where to start. What are the relationship rules? Are there any rules? What are the expectations? Will she have any? I'm so new to all of this… Will she be understanding? These are things that race through my mind whenever I see a woman that I am interested in.

 

So I ask... Is it simply a matter of just putting myself out there? Dealing with those uncomfortable situations and learning from them?

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

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milanlover

Sorry I'm a 20 year old girl and I don't think I'm in any position to give you any advice but you sound so cute! Haha.

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Strength in Healing

Yes, it is you putting yourself out there. It won't be smooth at first, it'll be awkward, it'll be tough, but Lebron didn't go from middle school to NBA.

 

A lot of people bash pickup artists but good GOD some of the funniest things I've ever seen or read come from there.

 

But keep in mind, it's all about confidence. Be confident you have value and you have a lot to share and that a girl would be lucky to share that with you.

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Confusedguy81

1) Ask out a variety of girls and get used to rejection (don't take it personal). Hard to take but life is short so try not to let it suck up your time.

 

2) Don't aim to please all the girls you go out with, meaning don't sacrifice your identity and values for some girl.

 

3) Don't take dating too seriously.

 

4) Have fun dating. Don't talk about the serious stuff until you are actually serious. Have fun. Even being a bit goofy and lighthearted can help.

 

5) Realize that not every situation is going to work out. Just keep moving and enjoy the ride.

 

6) Approach having a relationship with someone as a want or desire rather than a need.

 

7) Don't spill the beans about your lack of experience with women on a date until you really know the person.

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silvereyez

I'm going to try to be succinct here but I think you are freaking out because it hasn't happened yet.

I was a late starter too and you have to realise that you are probably just waiting for someone who 'fits' you.

You probably haven't thought about it that much up until now but you're looking at the numbers (age) and freaking out.

You are a rare catch, you haven't slept around or lowered your standards because you have what seems to be a rare quality these days. You are waiting for something real.

You aren't missing out on anything, because when you are ready, and when it happens, you will experience everything, and you wont look back. You wont feel you have missed anything at that point trust me. In fact, you will be truly happy you waited to give your embrace to someone who deserves it.

Don't beat yourself up. Relax. Improve yourself so that when it comes you can be confident. Love yourself.

What you have is a beautiful thing.

3 things I will mention.

Don't go against your feelings now and rush out to find somebody. Unless you want to ofcourse.

Don't feel you are any less than any other man because you haven't done these things that society these days places great pressure on. The woman you give it up to will be appreciative, trust me, and if you end up marrying her, then that will be a great thing that you chose to wait for her. If you don't then hey, **** happens.

Get out more: if you are a bit of a hermit, or you occupy the same social scenes, you will not meet anybody :). But again, don't rush into anything unless you're sure.

And my last warning: There are woman out there who may see you're inexperience and instinctively pray on you because of this. Look out for warning signs. If you do find someone you really like, but something is nagging your heart strings that she is a bit off (perhaps bunny boiler or has had past abusive relationship e.g. has random outbursts). Do not excuse that and walk away. Be mindful. Open up your heart, but do it slowly :).

On the other hand if you want to get your first sexual experience over with, then do it, there will be plenty of people willing, but I think you know that is cheap and unfullfilling and most people who do this end up regretting it.

 

I think you just haven't been ready up to now, and that absolutely fine. Don't listen to the bull**** you read. You are good trust me ;).

You might be ready now and that is why your mind wanders, if you are, get out there, meet poeple, try to stay away from online dating as that is mainly projection and has many flaws. Find a good girl, it may take some time and you may have to look in different places. But these things often find us when we aren't looking. Just be a bit more active.

I'm a guy by the way incase you're wondering who's perspective this is coming from.

Goodluck and godspeed, and most of all, enjoy your, be fun, flirt, open your heart up to someone deserving and you're in for a ride of your life. :)

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silvereyez

Oh yeah and as the other poster said. Don't be scared of rejection. It happens to everyone. Be yourself and the right one will come to you. :)

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maturityassets

You might want to see a therapist. In all honesty I had my first real relationship (not counting the random hook up when drunk or high school relationships that lasted or the ones that only lasted a little while) in my second year of college. It was year after I started therapy. There was a lot of stuff involved when it came to addressing the issue. There was a lot of shame from my upbringing, confusion on my sexuality due to slight homophobia, low self esteem, afraid of being rejected, not believing anyone could live me and etc. The most prominent thing that effected me is my upbringing and how I perceived my family's views about dating and internalized it as something that is "bad". Bad to be promiscuous. I'm a pretty decent-good looking guy and loads of girls liked me when younger but in all honesty I was simply terrified at the thought someone could like me and eventually even kiss me let alone have sex. Also we as men are very judgemental about our "performance". First we are judgemental about how we kiss, then how you act on dates and eventually how we act in the moments of sex. Don't view anything as a performance.

 

So if you haven't started therapy you should try it.

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silvereyez

That's very insightful actually, low self esteem indeed could be a factor and therapy could help with that. I wouldn't jump to the conclusion personally but might be something you should look into if it is.

 

You stated you are finally ready for all this. And you don't know how. Now dating is something you will mess up, we all do, don't be ashamed and take it light heartedly.

If you find the right person however, the date won't even feel like a date and will feel natural. It's inside of you already.

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I'm a 29 year old guy and I have never been in any type of relationship with a woman before.

 

It just hasn’t happened yet.

 

See, that's the mindset you have to get out of! "It just hasn't happened yet." You can't just wait around for Mrs. Right to find you. You have to go and get her.

 

I went through this same phase recently (24). I finally got to a point where my self confidence was high enough and I decided I was sick of being single. I've been dating around but I still haven't been in a committed relationship. Some advice based on how I got out of my slump:

 

 

You could always start with online dating or apps like tinder. They can ease you into the dating scene. 1) If you're remotely attractive, tinder is a big confidence boost. 2) Online dating in general will break down a little of your anxiety about approaching women and dealing with rejection. Sending messages online gives you all the time you need to think of what you should say. Eventually it will just come naturally to you.

 

Force yourself to ask a woman out on a date. You know that feeling you get that says you should ask her out... but then you brush it aside? Stop doing that and just act on it. If she says no, take it in good taste and move on to the next girl.

 

Get a few dates in with one girl, even if she's not "the one." You may not even feel connected to this woman - doesn't matter. Just use this as an opportunity to get all your jitters out of the way since this will be the first time dating someone. Go full tilt... ignore what the internet says to do when dating. It'll help you figure out what you want in a partner and what you need to improve about yourself and how you date.

 

After that, just keep on dating. I'll let you know if it works out for me :p haha

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A few thoughts

 

1) Don't advertise or spell out your lack of dating history early on. In fact, it's likely each other's past won't even come up until things get semi-serious.

 

2) You probably need to read some books on relationships in general just to build some sort of knowledge base. No girl is going to want to be your relationship tutor. They will sniff out your lack of experience if they observe abnormal behavior from you.

 

3) I would start with online dating first just to get an idea of what women are looking for and communicating with them. But don't take rejection personally. Read some material about how to put together dating profiles.

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Don't worry about it. Besides, if you're looking for a LTR, you'll stand a better chance as someone who currently has his life together, than you would if you'd spent all your earlier years focusing solely on dating and let your life go to ****. Yes, experience does count for a bit, but with the right girl you'll both be able to learn and grow together.

 

I don't think there are any 'rules' - put yourself out there and meet women, be a good and interesting person to the women you meet, and take things from there.

 

For the record, I'm a woman slightly younger than you, and I'd definitely not find your inexperience to be a dealbreaker if you were otherwise everything I was looking for (and if I were single, obviously). In fact, given that you'd voluntarily stayed out of dating to focus on getting your life together, I'd consider your history to be better (IMO) than someone who hadn't had a LTR because he was 'playing the field'.

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See, that's the mindset you have to get out of! "It just hasn't happened yet." You can't just wait around for Mrs. Right to find you. You have to go and get her.

 

I went through this same phase recently (24). I finally got to a point where my self confidence was high enough and I decided I was sick of being single. I've been dating around but I still haven't been in a committed relationship. Some advice based on how I got out of my slump:

 

 

You could always start with online dating or apps like tinder. They can ease you into the dating scene. 1) If you're remotely attractive, tinder is a big confidence boost. 2) Online dating in general will break down a little of your anxiety about approaching women and dealing with rejection. Sending messages online gives you all the time you need to think of what you should say. Eventually it will just come naturally to you.

 

Force yourself to ask a woman out on a date. You know that feeling you get that says you should ask her out... but then you brush it aside? Stop doing that and just act on it. If she says no, take it in good taste and move on to the next girl.

 

Get a few dates in with one girl, even if she's not "the one." You may not even feel connected to this woman - doesn't matter. Just use this as an opportunity to get all your jitters out of the way since this will be the first time dating someone. Go full tilt... ignore what the internet says to do when dating. It'll help you figure out what you want in a partner and what you need to improve about yourself and how you date.

 

After that, just keep on dating. I'll let you know if it works out for me :p haha

 

It depends on the person i used tinder and havent gotten one like since ive been on there the sites lowered my confidence and self esteem in terms of attracting women even more

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Ok, well im only 20 years old and never had a girlfriend but slept with 10+ girls so far so whether my advice is right for you, I'm not sure.

 

Firstly, you say "I wish I had an excuse..." then you say "I've always been very cautious...."

 

That's just an excuse so many men use when they don't have luck with the girls because that's exactly what I use to say to my friends before I started getting laid and I use to believe it.

 

Whatever you keep telling yourself is what you're going to start believing, you're your own teacher.

 

Stop worrying about what you've down right or wrong in the past and make a change now!

 

It sounds as if you're someone that doesn't do much in general so start socialising more, meet new people, and good things will come.

 

Take a breath when it comes to girls you're interested in, your main priority in my opinion is to have fun and find out more about them in the process of doing so.

 

At first it's going to be uncomfortable, you'll be nervous, but over time you'll develop different skills to deal with these situations.

 

It's like a sport, keep practising, come back to these forums and ask for advice (you're coach perfecting your techniques).

 

You'll be right, I'm 20 years old and telling you to start living your life.

 

Get out there!

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  • 1 month later...

 

 

 

I wish I could say that I had an excuse as to why I never pursued a relationship.

 

 

 

 

Heck, I've never even asked out a woman.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The truth is that I've always been very cautious and I guess a bit afraid of letting someone into my life on the most personal of levels.

 

 

 

 

I've had women show interest in me but it's never really amounted to anything because I would always back out of it before anything could really happen.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I spent most of my 20's trying to figure out about myself. Who I was, where I was going, what I wanted out of life, things of that nature.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

!

 

 

 

Are you a 'Seinfeld' fan at all?

 

 

You need to go to youtube and look up the episode "George Castanza Opposites"

 

 

In that episode George realizes that every decision he's ever made and every action he's ever taken was the wrong one. So Seinfeld tells him he needs to do the opposite of what he would normally do.

 

 

So George starts doing the opposite of what his natural instincts tell him he should do and within a short amount of time he has a hot girlfriend, gets a great new job and starts having success in life.

 

 

Granted that is a sit-com but I think it does have some merit in your case. For some reason your little inner voice is telling you to do some things and not to do some things that are pretty much assuring you of not dating or getting a GF.

 

 

The things that I have quoted above, you need to pretty much do the opposite of what you have been doing.

 

 

You do have to take risks. you do have to put yourself out there. You do have to ask out girls. You do have to let them get to know.

 

 

You have to stop shutting them out. You have to stop ending relationships before they get started. You have to stop living inside your own head. You have to stop looking for excuses.

 

 

You basically have to start doing the things you haven't been doing. And you have to stop doing the things you have that have been putting the brakes on things.

 

 

It may take some professional life coaching or even counseling to help you do that.

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I was in the same position at 25. I found it really overwhelming at first and put a lot of pressure on myself and felt pressured from partners. Just take it easy, go slowly and enjoy yourself. You don't need to pressure yourself because its supposed to be fun! Research as you go and get support from your future partner or friends/family if you are comfortable to do so.

 

There aren't really any rules, as everyone has different expectations. You will discover what your own expectations and desires are as you go. Sorry that this advice is useless but it is a learning experience and you will only learn these things through experience.

 

Good luck and enjoy!

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Sounds like you may have had some intimacy problems (letting someone know you well and closely) and maybe you're more open now. You still might need some professional guidance in dealing with that issue and find out for sure what the issue is through testing. Sometimes if it's simple anxiety, meds can help almost immediately, though usually some time in therapy is best no matter what.

 

Just because you're a late starter doesn't mean you have to be at a disadvantage, though. Most women aren't going to ask you in depth about your experience. All you have to do is say you've never been in a long-term relationship and haven't dated for awhile. Then if you feel like telling her as things progress, you can say you were dealing with some issues.

 

Don't worry about sexual experience and please don't try anything you saw watching porn on an ordinary woman. If you get to the point of having sex, just keep it simple and affectionate. We instinctively know how to have basic sex and that's all most people want in the beginning of a relationship.

 

The main thing is for you to build up your self-confidence and try to not be afraid of women. You love women, but try not to worship them! To me, the thing that turns me off most is a guy who is hesitant. So once you know you are interested in a woman and have her out on a date, don't hesitate to take her hand or put your arm around her momentarily when she gets up from her chair after dinner. Don't be afraid to do the little things that show you like her. Don't start buying gifts, don't text all the time and get carried away.

 

You've never asked someone out before. I would tell this to all guys, no matter how many times they've asked women out. Keep your eyes open and notice when a woman pays attention to you and seems comfortable and willing to talk to you in any setting. Don't ever just pick out a woman in a room based on looks and go up and ask her out because she gets that all the time and isn't likely to respond well. There will be women who think you're interesting and nice and attractive, and so ask those women out who try to talk to you about anything other than just work. Remember people at work have to be nice to you, so a lot of that is fake. To increase your chances of finding someone who will like you, right now, ramp up your activities. Make a point as often as possible of going to do things you enjoy, whether it's music, sports, going to the lake or beach. Go do what you enjoy and that's where you'll find other likeminded people to have fun with. Good luck.

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leavesonautumn
1) Ask out a variety of girls and get used to rejection (don't take it personal). Hard to take but life is short so try not to let it suck up your time.

 

2) Don't aim to please all the girls you go out with, meaning don't sacrifice your identity and values for some girl.

 

3) Don't take dating too seriously.

 

4) Have fun dating. Don't talk about the serious stuff until you are actually serious. Have fun. Even being a bit goofy and lighthearted can help.

 

5) Realize that not every situation is going to work out. Just keep moving and enjoy the ride.

 

6) Approach having a relationship with someone as a want or desire rather than a need.

 

7) Don't spill the beans about your lack of experience with women on a date until you really know the person.

 

Just want to re-share confusedguy's advice. That's it, right there. My ex didn't have a girlfriend before me and he was 30. Basically, this is what happened: after a week he sent me an email explaining why he hasn't dated or had sex and shared his unpleasant childhood and all of his wonderful flaws and within 2 weeks he told me he loved me (we had worked together for 2 months prior to our first date). So, there is nothing wrong with sharing your past once you're in a comfortable stage with an SO, over time I was glad he felt so open with me and wanted honesty but it caused a lot of the ongoing issues in our 5 year relationship. I would have fallen in love with him regardless of him telling me this but I'd equate him with his issues.

 

Be confident, be yourself. You have value. There is nothing bad or wrong about your situation, it's just how the course of your life went. My ex may have been a virgin but he was absolutely fantastic in bed. ;)

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It's really hard to distinguish that

 

Yes, but that is why I advise you only ask out those who, without you instigating something, seem like they want to talk to you all on their own or smile real friendly at you because then it's more probable they might be interested. But at work, a lot of that niceness is fake, so that's why I advise not to start there. And that's also why I advised not being hesitant about doing the small polite touching, because without much risk to yourself, if you (again not at work) ask one out and touch her arm, her back just in polite and steering to chair ways or through a door, if a woman is really uninterested, her reaction will be subtle, but it should give you an idea if she likes that you did it or not whether she smiles at you or maybe touches your arm later or tries to pretend it didn't happen, sort of cringes, seems surprissed, frowns or something, but you have not really done anything nonpolite in the process that she can truly fault you for.

 

I can tell your worst enemy is going to be lack of confidence if you are afraid to take these small risks. Remember we all get rejected sometime no matter who we are. It's something we have to just let roll off our backs and move on and realize it's usually more a reflection on who that person is and that in some way they know that you are not right for them in that way than it means there's anything wrong with you. Because someone will like you that way once it's the right person.

 

If you take up a lot of activities, you will come into contact with people and have an opportunity for one to act friendly to you if they think they might be interested. Generally, women don't just go up to men and talk for no reason or if they're repulsed or smile in their direction, so that's why keep your eyes open for any women doing that and don't waste your time scoping out the room for just the women you think are prettiest, like just about every lonely guy writing this board does.

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  • 2 months later...
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First of all, I'd like to thank everyone for taking the time to reply to my thread. I appreciate that very much.

 

It's been a few months since I last made this post. I wish I could say that I've made tremendous strides in that time but the reality is I haven't. I'm still feeling rather stuck and it's been weighing on my mind more and more as the days and months go by.

 

I've come to realization that this isn't simply a case of being nervous. It goes beyond that. I have genuine fear of opening up to people and letting them in my life. I don't why that is but it needs to be addressed ASAP. In hopes of tackling this problem with a bit more guidance, I've decided to look into therapy as others have suggested. Simply put, I need help with this.

 

It's funny how things come to light once you run out of excuses.

 

Thanks for your time!

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I'm at pretty much the same point, at 24 years old. I know I have the exact fear you're talking about, opening up to people and letting them into your life. That's among other issues but I won't go into that. I've been in therapy for a while now and it has definitely helped even if I still have a long, long way to go. I'm glad you've started to explore that yourself, I'm sure it will help you a great deal.

 

I somehow managed to go on a couple of dates with a girl just recently. While it didn't end up that great, mostly because of my "shortcomings", it did of give me some hope and confidence. Seeing it wasn't such an impossible feat I always thought it would be was pretty eyeopening.

 

Thanks for your post.

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