Lucy4224 Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 So, this is my first post on this site and i wanted to start with something thats currently bothering me in my current life. There's this guy that i met at a society that we both attend, we never used to tall until more recently when we have started talkingg a little bit. We mess around during our live sound events and he's messaged me a few times regarding work over facebook and has liked a lot of my posts more recently. I think i could like this guy and would like to know what to do to take this to the 'next level', im scared so bad of rejection as ive had some bad experiences in the past. Im too scared to even start the conversation on facebook eithout having a proper valid reason to do so, i need some desperate help i cant get him off my mind i hate this feeling Link to post Share on other sites
kodakgirl Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Hi there! Welcome! Of course you are scared of rejection-- we all are. However if everyone let that stop them from taking chances on love hardly anyone would ever find it. It's promising that you already know him to some degree on an acquaintance level. You obviously get along, so you have that going for you! You can build on that. You say you already have conversations about work-- I'd start by beginning to add in more personal touches. At the end of your email say something like, "Have a great weekend, are you getting up to anything?" Or if he knows a lot about whatever you're talking about, ask where he learned it. There might be an interesting story! All of this is very low-risk. I do this with people I go to school with often without any romantic intent, just to be friendly and get to know them better. If he answers but never asks anything back, he probably is just interested in continuing your friendly acquaintance relationship. If he sees you as a potential friend or more, he will almost certainly engage. Then you can get a personal conversation going. So far not too scary, right? If you do see each other regularly with your society, I'd work on bringing this to your in-person interaction. When you see him ask a follow-up question to what you were talking about. Or, even better, start with the personal touches in person-- this is scarier maybe, and these days I don't think testing the waters via FB is that bad for young people, but it's better. Again, if he sees you as a potential friend or more he'll be receptive. You can think of potential questions ahead of time, although conversation might just flow and you won't even need them. Once you have a more personal relationship going, you're on good footing to bring up meeting elsewhere sometime. But that is the next step. How does this first one (or one-and-a-half) sound? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Rejection is scary (and horrible, yes). You don't need to do anything dramatic, just respond, give the guy opportunities whenever he makes the effort to contact you. Respond in a warm manner, smile, pay him a bit of attention. Keep the conversation ball bouncing in the air by asking him a question, mentioning places of interest to both of you so there is always something to talk about. If he's interested, he'll make an effort to suggest you both go somewhere together. If he does this, be happy and interested, go and have fun. He'll get the message. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lucy4224 Posted April 22, 2014 Author Share Posted April 22, 2014 Thank you both for your help, funnily enough after I posted this he messaged me on FB asking me how my assignments were going, we didn't speak all that personal so i think i will take that advice from you both. I'm hoping he'll ask me to do something outside of our society but we shall see. Thank you for your awesome advice, i appreciate the answers Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 You guys need to have a phone conversation sometimes soon, don't you think? Just keep being friendly and interested and a little flirtatious and see if he comes any closer. Link to post Share on other sites
AnthonyLorenzo Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 There was a girl I knew once that I originally wasn't attracted to. I could tell she liked me because she kept trying to get my attention and of course I was trying to avoid her. It was very uncomfortable being around her because she was clearly trying too hard. Then after trying to avoid her for a couple of hours, I saw her trying to walk up to me on my side and she tripped. Pretty embarrassing for sure but then she just looked at me at said "Well that wasn't very graceful!" I laughed, she laughed. All of a sudden I looked at her completely different. When she said "Well that wasn't very graceful!", I looked in her eyes and I could tell she had just given up. She was no longer trying to attract me and she was just being herself. When she gave up, she turned into a beautiful person that I could see myself being comfortable with. Because of this, we dated for a couple of months. I had to move so we ended the relationship but I really miss being with her. If I didn't have to move, we would probably still be together. I'm not saying you have to make a fool of yourself to get this reaction. I believe all you need to do is stop stressing about it and just be your best self with him. Unless he's on drugs, he will see the difference. For me, a lady that is comfortable with who she is, is very attractive and so much easier to have the "Where is this going" conversation. BTW, if he is contacting you first, your work is done. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lucy4224 Posted April 22, 2014 Author Share Posted April 22, 2014 Thank you for that message I enjoyed reading that and was good to see this situation from a guys point of view as well so thank you for that Link to post Share on other sites
kodakgirl Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 Thank you both for your help, funnily enough after I posted this he messaged me on FB asking me how my assignments were going, we didn't speak all that personal so i think i will take that advice from you both. I'm hoping he'll ask me to do something outside of our society but we shall see. Thank you for your awesome advice, i appreciate the answers That is a great sign!! He's adding a personal element himself, even if he is keeping it safe by tying it to school. Now you do it back, and aim for something not tied to school or your society. He may very well be waiting for that kind of thing from you-- a guy trying to get personal with a girl can come across creepy much more easily than the other way around. A lot of genuinely nice guys I know are aware of that kind of thing and become very reluctant to show their interest first in case it comes across the wrong way. I suspect if you make it clear it's totally okay to start getting personal he's going to go with that happily. Sometimes really nice guys need an extra nudge. I hope things go well, keep us posted! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lucy4224 Posted April 22, 2014 Author Share Posted April 22, 2014 Yes I was so stupidly excited when he messaged me haha!!! I need to find something to spark up a conversation with, I've left messaging him today and think I will message him tomorrow or something instead just to give some space between interactions to avoid coming off 'too keen' That makes me feel better knowing that I have a little advantage to be a little more personal so thank you for that! Will definitely keep you all posted, you've been awesome!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lucy4224 Posted April 23, 2014 Author Share Posted April 23, 2014 Okay, so just now I decided to man up and message him first. So I did, I messaged him first and asked him how things were he said all good and the usual stuff. He invited me to come and help him out with something society related but it was outside of the society if that makes sense. Unfortunately I can't go because I'm at home and can't make it back to uni until the end of the week so now I kind of feel sad about that. The conversation died a little after that and I'm unsure of what to do now. I think I'm overlooking this and should just take this how it is and just wait until I next see him before I judge, I don't know, oh well. Take each day as it comes I guess Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 So now he thinks that was just an excuse and that you rejected him when he asked you to do something. Really, why couldn't you get yourself there? Is it hundreds of miles away? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lucy4224 Posted April 23, 2014 Author Share Posted April 23, 2014 So now he thinks that was just an excuse and that you rejected him when he asked you to do something. Really, why couldn't you get yourself there? Is it hundreds of miles away? Well I don't think he thinks it was an excuse, he just said "no worries" afterwards and then that was pretty much the end of the conversation after I asked a few more questions and stuff. This is what I mean though, I never feel like I have something good enough to say and then when I feel like I get the confidence it gets knocked straight back down again by something. All this is emotionally draining me now, is this really worth it? Link to post Share on other sites
kodakgirl Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 Well I don't think he thinks it was an excuse, he just said "no worries" afterwards and then that was pretty much the end of the conversation after I asked a few more questions and stuff. This is what I mean though, I never feel like I have something good enough to say and then when I feel like I get the confidence it gets knocked straight back down again by something. All this is emotionally draining me now, is this really worth it? Don't worry too much about what he thinks-- if it was a valid reason, it's a valid reason. But I would recommend you make a bit of extra effort so he knows that he wasn't rejected (of course none of us can read his mind, but I feel there is a strong chance at least that he is trying to escalate in a playing it safe kind of way too). How about later you message and ask how it went, and say you wish you could have been there? If you are feeling really brave, you could even add something casually flirty like "maybe I could buy you a coffee sometime to make it up to you?" Teasing about "owing" people something when you obviously don't at all is a very easy flirt. I understand it's nerve-wracking. When I was first getting to know my ex it was initially over FB message and I'd spent an hour to write one little light-hearted sounding paragraph! There's no good in that, though. The more you overthink it the higher you feel the stakes are and the worse it all feels. Try and bring yourself down a bit. The stakes aren't that high. At the very least, he is going to feel flattered at your interest, even if he doesn't share it. Maybe it will be slightly awkward. That's it. I know it's easier said than done but try to talk yourself down at least a little. And if it is really having a negative emotional impact on you-- step back. You don't have to do it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lucy4224 Posted April 23, 2014 Author Share Posted April 23, 2014 Thank you so much for taking the time to message me back and give me advice in my time of need I appreciate it so much and would like to take the time to thank you on how awesome you've been! My reason was that I was still at home and it's a couple of hours from where he is back at uni so I wouldn't be able to get there. I asked how his assignments and stuff were going so he told me he'd given up for now and was going to fit a studio at uni and asked if I was around to feel free to come down obviously I said I couldn't come along and he said no worries. Sometimes I think I feel this way because it wasn't quite the response that I was maybe expecting, it wasn't a bad response as such but I felt it was because I feel like I let him down. I shall message him tomorrow or something maybe because it's an all night thing that he was doing so he won't be able to reply tonight and see what happens. I really want this to work but I just have no positive feeling towards it right now and past events are definitely taking their toll on me now more than ever. Link to post Share on other sites
kodakgirl Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 Thank you so much for taking the time to message me back and give me advice in my time of need I appreciate it so much and would like to take the time to thank you on how awesome you've been! My reason was that I was still at home and it's a couple of hours from where he is back at uni so I wouldn't be able to get there. I asked how his assignments and stuff were going so he told me he'd given up for now and was going to fit a studio at uni and asked if I was around to feel free to come down obviously I said I couldn't come along and he said no worries. Sometimes I think I feel this way because it wasn't quite the response that I was maybe expecting, it wasn't a bad response as such but I felt it was because I feel like I let him down. I shall message him tomorrow or something maybe because it's an all night thing that he was doing so he won't be able to reply tonight and see what happens. I really want this to work but I just have no positive feeling towards it right now and past events are definitely taking their toll on me now more than ever. I am very happy if I can help!!! I do appreciate you saying so, thank you. I've been in a very similar situation, so I'm trying to think of the things I really should have done, and could have even considering I was shy and nervous. If you are a couple hours away of course you can't just pop over, don't worry about that. Does he know you live (or were visiting) a couple hours away? You might want to just mention it, both so he doesn't worry it was a brush-off and so he knows a bit of advance planning may be needed in the future. You didn't let him down--it was a spontaneous, casual invite that you couldn't make it too, that is totally reasonable. If he's the kind of truly nice guy you should be dating it won't be a strike against you, not at all! But as I said I'd give him a bit of extra encouragement, just in case he's overthinking things too (there are definitely men who do it too!). Writing him tomorrow sounds good, it is good not to be toooo keen when you're feeling this out but you also don't want to wait so long it seems like an afterthought. Like I said, asking how it went and adding just a little "I wish I could have come!" would go a long way I think. I know it's hard but try not to focus on past things. He isn't any of those fellows, the circumstance isn't exactly the same, and you aren't the same person yourself either. When those thoughts come up remind yourself that. The result of one roll of the dice has absolutely no bearing on the result of the next. Since you already know you aren't going to write him tonight, maybe just tuck the thought away somewhere and focus on something else. Do something nice for yourself maybe-- paint your nails or have a bath with candles or whatever you enjoy. Even through a couple posts on the Internet I can see you're a really sweet, genuine, nice person and no matter what happens you are still going to be! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AnthonyLorenzo Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 If you are a couple hours away of course you can't just pop over, don't worry about that. Does he know you live (or were visiting) a couple hours away? You might want to just mention it, both so he doesn't worry it was a brush-off and so he knows a bit of advance planning may be needed in the future. You didn't let him down--it was a spontaneous, casual invite that you couldn't make it too, that is totally reasonable. If he's the kind of truly nice guy you should be dating it won't be a strike against you, not at all! But as I said I'd give him a bit of extra encouragement, just in case he's overthinking things too (there are definitely men who do it too!). Writing him tomorrow sounds good, it is good not to be toooo keen when you're feeling this out but you also don't want to wait so long it seems like an afterthought. Like I said, asking how it went and adding just a little "I wish I could have come!" would go a long way I think. Once again, I totally agree. It sounds like you two are comforting each other in your writings. Keep going that direction. Even though I am fairly confident in what I am doing with ladies, I still overthink waaaay too much. I have to constantly remind myself to just go with the feeling of the moment. Actually It just happened again. This post probably took me 15 minutes to write and I'm not even expecting anything out of this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lucy4224 Posted April 23, 2014 Author Share Posted April 23, 2014 Yes you have helped me so much and you've been someone to talk to so thank you! Yes he knows where I live so he knows that it's not a case of just being able to jump on a train and go there spontaneously but messaging him tomorrow and including some of those things will help so thank you for that He seems like a nice enough guy and he's been kind to me with sending me things to help with uni work and teaching me how to use new equipment etc. I have just been very stressed out by the thought of all this going horrifically wrong like everything else previously but I realise I should'nt compare this situation to previous ones. I really hope this works out for the best and doesn't end terribly, I have taken it easy tonight like you said and I feel far more relaxed about the situation we shall see how this turns out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lucy4224 Posted April 23, 2014 Author Share Posted April 23, 2014 Once again, I totally agree. It sounds like you two are comforting each other in your writings. Keep going that direction. Even though I am fairly confident in what I am doing with ladies, I still overthink waaaay too much. I have to constantly remind myself to just go with the feeling of the moment. Actually It just happened again. This post probably took me 15 minutes to write and I'm not even expecting anything out of this. thank you also for your insight from a guys point of view, that truly has helped me somewhat it's weird to know that guys really do over think things like us, I guess we are pretty much the same in some ways but don't even realise! I guess I will never know what he's truly thinking at this point in time but hopefully it is something somewhat good Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted April 25, 2014 Share Posted April 25, 2014 How's it going? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lucy4224 Posted April 25, 2014 Author Share Posted April 25, 2014 Well, i never messaged him yesterday because he was barely online and stuff i felt like giving some space, i think i shall message him today a little later on or something, hopefully all will go well but who knows? Thanks for the support everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lucy4224 Posted May 8, 2014 Author Share Posted May 8, 2014 Okay! So heres the latest update on the situation right now! We have spoken on Facebook multiple times since I've been back at uni, he teased me about something the other day at uni haha. Anyway, he messaged me today asking if i had pictures of this show i done with him a while ago, so i sent them to him and he said he owes me a drink so looks like we're meeting up for a drink sometime! Any thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
R3d Posted May 11, 2014 Share Posted May 11, 2014 There was a girl I knew once that I originally wasn't attracted to. I could tell she liked me because she kept trying to get my attention and of course I was trying to avoid her. It was very uncomfortable being around her because she was clearly trying too hard. Then after trying to avoid her for a couple of hours, I saw her trying to walk up to me on my side and she tripped. Pretty embarrassing for sure but then she just looked at me at said "Well that wasn't very graceful!" I laughed, she laughed. All of a sudden I looked at her completely different. When she said "Well that wasn't very graceful!", I looked in her eyes and I could tell she had just given up. She was no longer trying to attract me and she was just being herself. When she gave up, she turned into a beautiful person that I could see myself being comfortable with. Because of this, we dated for a couple of months. I had to move so we ended the relationship but I really miss being with her. If I didn't have to move, we would probably still be together. I'm not saying you have to make a fool of yourself to get this reaction. I believe all you need to do is stop stressing about it and just be your best self with him. Unless he's on drugs, he will see the difference. For me, a lady that is comfortable with who she is, is very attractive and so much easier to have the "Where is this going" conversation. BTW, if he is contacting you first, your work is done. Man I am going to really treasure this advice. Thank you so much for sharing this remarkable anecdote. Link to post Share on other sites
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