Why is "you meet them when you aren't looking" true for some people?

[kodakgirl]

I'm sure pretty much every single person has heard "you'll meet that special someone when you aren't looking!", and probably most of them have hated hearing it. But for some people, it really is true-- they always meet special someones when they aren't looking. It baffles me and I was wondering if anyone has any insight?

 

One of my best friends is a case in point-- she had told me before that every single relationship she'd ever had came when she wasn't looking for a relationship. Then last July or so her boyfriend unexpectedly broke up with her after four years. She was of course devastated but within a month had found a fellow she felt interested in. They didn't actually date at that point, but they've been gradually getting more and more involved (despite several big reasons they shouldn't have, but that's beside the point) and anyway now they're dating. I kind of don't feel it will work out but the point is she met someone like THAT who she felt interested in and who felt interested in her.

 

I don't get it. We're about as evenly matched as two people can be-- about the same as far as attractiveness, intelligence, niceness, outgoingness (or lack therof), similar interests and ambitions. She isn't any more social than I am, or more confident, or better around people. Most relevantly-- she is every bit as picky with guys as I am. In fact we have similar tastes. But she found this fellow who appeals to her in every way so easily... just by chance. They both work at the same place, and in fact on the day she works they're the only two there.

 

Normally so what, chance is chance-- but she says it's always been like that for her, which to me indicates more than just luck. Meanwhile I've been single over three years with only one real potential that lasted all of ten weeks. I meet guys who genuinely interest me about twice a year if I'm lucky (with no guarantee they're single). We are interested in the same type, with the same standards, offering similar things. But she meets them without even trying (sometimes without even wanting to) and I hardly meet them despite trying. I feel I'm missing something and I have no idea what.

 

Thoughts?

[amaysngrace]

You want a relationship and that's the difference.

 

I think when you're completely 100% okay with being alone is when it will happen for you.

[carhill]

I can perhaps sum up the male perspective briefly:

 

How women appear, both physically and behaviorally, to each other has little bearing on how they appear to men. IOW, while you may feel you are 'equals', men may have a completely different perspective, and that doesn't mean either of you is 'better' than the other, as IMO people who are in relationships or are married are in no way 'better' than anyone else. We're all human and imperfect.

 

Regarding 'meeting someone when not looking', that's situational and different for each person, both regarding what 'not looking' means as well as what 'meeting' means. Thirdly, only you know what is in your own mind. No one else can possibly know. You can say you met the man of your dreams when not looking and there's not quantifiable way of verifying that statement. Rinse and repeat for anything else and anyone else.

 

It's 'true for some people' because they believe it to be true. It's their truth. It will always be different than your truth. Or my truth.

 

I'll offer one tidbit from experience, perhaps not relevant to your situation but I believe for my own: When our M was struggling and I felt really alone and vulnerable, I noted far more attention from women than I ever had in my lifetime, both those familiar and unfamiliar to me. I later concluded I was sending out a 'vibe' which evidently caused them to behave in a specific manner, whether that be sexually flirtatious or 'mothering' or whatever. Post-MC and post-D, zero attention. Boom, gone. Five years now. Interesting.

 

Good luck!

[Keenly]

You want a relationship and that's the difference.

 

I think when you're completely 100% okay with being alone is when it will happen for you.

 

This is tricky with wording.

 

I'm 100% okay with being permanently alone, however I still want a relationship.

 

 

They shouldn't be mutually exclusive.

 

 

 

A person could be okay with being poor , but they still wouldn't say no to lottery winnings, right?

[Eternal Sunshine]

OP, I can relate and I think it's mostly luck.

 

I have never gotten into a relationship when I wasn't looking. I had to look and to look hard. I had to make a concious choice to get out more or to open an OLD profile. In my 20s at one point I wasn't looking and I was single for 4 years...before I started looking again. In my case, I always seem to be at the wrong place in the wrong time, or people I am interested in are not single and it just never happens. I have accepted it as my lot in life. I am sure it isn't looks and it isn't personality as I make and keep friends easily. No idea what it is though. It would make more sense if I met guys and got dumped, then I would know I am doing something wrong. But I just don't meet them. Years pass by...and there is no one.

[Tayla]

Its thru actions and that "vibe", or sense of appeal that is given. I beleive that some folks are more in tune with that indicator. I personally have been single and definitely give off the single and not looking vibe. Most of my gentlemen friends often say....you are just too dern independent for a guy to show interest. On a few occassions when I have toned it down and such, it hasnt changed the flow or created an opportunity. Most of my friends who are female, seem to get approached more often and that is due in part that they approach and make it happen. The statement of it will happen when you least expect it has long past, so not sure if its applicable to some folks...there is ultimately some level of effort to gain a genuine interest of suitor or date material. Doubtful osmosis has anything to do with it.

[iris219]

I think it has to do with the energy you project when you're trying, maybe it seems desperate or off-putting in some way--at least mine must. Every time I've made a genuine and concerted effort to date, nothing happened. Nothing.

 

It was only when I said f* it that I met anyone. It's been like this my entire life.

[Targetlock]

I really don't like that saying (and its always the non-singles who say it), its almost like telling me that all my attempts at trying to do something about it will amount to nothing and that only when I accept that it is okay for me to be single that it will happen or something. and with me i will never stop looking! i don't think i can't not look so to speak.

Also how is it supposed to find you if you don't look? its not like they are suddenly going to knock on your door one day! unless you happen to fall for the postman or something...

i personally prefer the idea of it happening when you least expect it or something.

Edited April 21, 2014 by Targetlock
extra ranting

[carhill]

Its thru actions and that "vibe", or sense of appeal that is given. I beleive that some folks are more in tune with that indicator. I personally have been single and definitely give off the single and not looking vibe. Most of my gentlemen friends often say....you are just too dern independent for a guy to show interest. On a few occassions when I have toned it down and such, it hasnt changed the flow or created an opportunity. Most of my friends who are female, seem to get approached more often and that is due in part that they approach and make it happen. The statement of it will happen when you least expect it has long past, so not sure if its applicable to some folks...there is ultimately some level of effort to gain a genuine interest of suitor or date material. Doubtful osmosis has anything to do with it.

This really resonates with me and I noted, amongst my exW's single/divorced female friends, that it was/were the ones with the 'stay away' vibe, regardless of their apparent attractiveness to men, which largely determined their singleness in an otherwise 'seller market' for women, meaning women are in high demand. Occasionally, they'd turn down the volume and a guy would sneak in now and again, but nothing consistent.

 

I watched a similar flow with a young lady I've been keeping track of as an experiment, as time has revealed the timeline of personal situations and results. Early on, when she was apparently married, her posture, tone of voice and general solicitous demeanor caused me to take note of her, having been around her casually for some time. Now, perhaps nearly two years down the road, apparently solidly divorced, the 'stay away' sign is firmly out and I sense a marked stiltedness to interactions (she's an employee of a friend) which otherwise flowed effortlessly in the past. I don't take this change personally but rather use this and other similar experiences as informative guides to individual interaction. I mention this because, to my apparently misguided conventional wisdom, I'd expect a lady in our demographic to be far more annoyed with any particular man when her marriage is in distress (pissed at H by proxy) than subsequent, as men are easy to come by in these parts, even 'desirable' men. As a more neutral/uninteresting subject, I would have expected a far more neutral interaction tone.

 

Anyway, one example of many in life and no patterns that I can discern as of yet, regarding meeting someone when not looking for them, though I do believe that 'vibe' has value, even if not consciously considered as 'looking'.

[kodakgirl]

Thank you so much for all the responses! It is really, really interesting to hear everyone's perspectives. It's very apparent it's a phrase that has a lot of different meanings and different connotations to people, which perhaps explains part of the reason so many people say it in earnest.

 

I suppose "not looking" means a lot of different things to different people as well. To me "looking" equates to "I'd actively like to find a partner at this moment in time." I don't feel I've ever been single and not looking in my adult life, except directly after heartbreak. There have been plenty of times I wasn't actively trying to get dates or male attention, but I still felt I was looking.

 

I've heard, too, that spin-off "once you are totally happy with being alone you will find them!" and while I can see the point (it is important to be able to be happy alone) and even how it may work (if you aren't trying so hard you'll come across better), I find it frustrating as well. I don't think I could be any happier with my life right now, honestly. I'm fine with spending time alone and doing stuff alone. But I think love is really special and I really want it in my life and I don't even want to get rid of that feeling.

 

I feel there's almost an element of superstition involved in this ideal of "not looking" as well, at least for me. Like if I can only not look hard enough, I can invoke him! Haha.

 

I feel I do need to work on my "vibes"-- I think I give off the opposite of desperate, honestly, but that doesn't help either! That's something I've been thinking about and something I may post on sometime. However the biggest problem for me is just flat-out not meeting fellows who interest me (and are straight and single!). I actually have a pretty good success rate at getting at least initial interest from the ones I want. There just aren't many I want in my path, no matter how hard I look or "not look"!

 

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, guys!

[El Brujo]

It's because some people believe in ESP, or maybe they even have it.

 

These people really believe that one special someone will one day use their ESP to home in on your lonely self, like an FCC van homing in on a bootleg radio station.

 

In my case though, it would kind of be like wasted effort because 1. I'm openly picky, and 2. I stopped being desperate 2 years ago.

 

TBH I dread the thought of that one special woman homing in on me when I least expect it... my crystal ball (see avatar) tells me she'll look like a fat teenage boy and she'll have anger issues.

[Weezy1973]

I think people who find relationships easily usually prioritize being in a relationship over qualities in a partner. At least that has been the pattern in my life. The people who want to be in a relationship get into relationships (and most adults are in relationships).

 

People who struggle to find relationships tend to be looking for certain qualities in a partner - and the more superficial these qualities - the tougher it is to find.

 

So if a guy is looking to get into a relationship and meets a nice woman, he will think about going out on a date with her regardless of her particular career, bust size, clothes etc.

 

Whereas a guy who is looking for a woman that is slim, educated and with a good career in order to even ask them out in the first place will likely struggle a lot more to find someone to be in a relationship with.

 

In other words some people really want to be in a relationship and feel they work best in a relationship. And other people are waiting to meet someone with the qualities that make them want to be in a relationship. Group 'A' will always find it easier to get into a relationship than group 'B'.

 

Neither way is better by the way.

[topaMAXX]

I'm sure pretty much every single person has heard "you'll meet that special someone when you aren't looking!", and probably most of them have hated hearing it. But for some people, it really is true-- they always meet special someones when they aren't looking. It baffles me and I was wondering if anyone has any insight?

 

First off, this needs to be said. This statement is only true for women. For men, if we're not actively looking (ie: approaching), we will have zero options (unless the guy is extremely good-looking).

 

Any guy I know that has a successful marriage either met the girl in college (where there are single girls everywhere) or went hardcore trying to find someone).

 

Okay. Now that we have that out of the way....

 

One of my best friends is a case in point-- she had told me before that every single relationship she'd ever had came when she wasn't looking for a relationship. Then last July or so her boyfriend unexpectedly broke up with her after four years. She was of course devastated but within a month had found a fellow she felt interested in. They didn't actually date at that point, but they've been gradually getting more and more involved (despite several big reasons they shouldn't have, but that's beside the point) and anyway now they're dating. I kind of don't feel it will work out but the point is she met someone like THAT who she felt interested in and who felt interested in her.

 

I don't get it. We're about as evenly matched as two people can be-- about the same as far as attractiveness, intelligence, niceness, outgoingness (or lack therof), similar interests and ambitions. She isn't any more social than I am, or more confident, or better around people. Most relevantly-- she is every bit as picky with guys as I am. In fact we have similar tastes. But she found this fellow who appeals to her in every way so easily... just by chance. They both work at the same place, and in fact on the day she works they're the only two there.

 

I'm sorry, but there is no way that this can be true. If you were exactly the same, you would have the same success. Either you are not as attractive in some way as you think you are (sorry for being blunt, but I'm probably right) or you are actually way more picky than she is.

 

Any relatively attractive woman that I know that is single is EXTREMELY (almost otherworldly) picky.

 

Normally so what, chance is chance-- but she says it's always been like that for her, which to me indicates more than just luck. Meanwhile I've been single over three years with only one real potential that lasted all of ten weeks. I meet guys who genuinely interest me about twice a year if I'm lucky (with no guarantee they're single). We are interested in the same type, with the same standards, offering similar things. But she meets them without even trying (sometimes without even wanting to) and I hardly meet them despite trying. I feel I'm missing something and I have no idea what.

 

Thoughts?

 

Again, you probably are not viewing yourself as others view you. And you are likely way too picky.

[amaysngrace]

This is tricky with wording.

 

I'm 100% okay with being permanently alone, however I still want a relationship.

 

 

They shouldn't be mutually exclusive.

 

 

 

A person could be okay with being poor , but they still wouldn't say no to lottery winnings, right?

 

If you're 100% okay with being alone then I don't think you'd call being in a relationship like winning the lottery.

[Keenly]

If you're 100% okay with being alone then I don't think you'd call being in a relationship like winning the lottery.

 

It was an analogy, not a comparison.

[shet]

I wondered what the phrase meant for years. For me looking meant being interested in any single women I met, which wasn't many in my day to day affairs. Eventually I figured it out.

 

The missing element I lacked that caused me not to grasp it was that I was a mature adult by the time I realised how hard most people try to not be single. They play it down, but truth is many/most people, if single, spend most of their leisure activity time trying not to be. Every weekend will be spent out trying to pull. Every social event is gauged for possibility of meeting someone before they'll go to it. They'll tap every familial or friendly contact they can for single friends. These days, they'll hit up OLD and go on as many dates as they can arrange. I've seen it all in action.

 

So the phrase implies that it is when someone stops all that, that they actually meet someone meaningful. Why? Because all that majority of people, desperately trying to meet someone as above, only STOP that behaviour when they have something else taking up their time - something worthwhile, career, education, an actual interest. Which then both makes them more attractive, and puts them around more decent people. They're still looking, they just have more fruitful vectors to do so.

 

Trust me on this: actually truly stopping looking does not help one bit. You'll spend years working your job, going home, sleeping and repeating, maybe getting a pint with a friend or colleague on a Friday, and never meeting anyone at all. Nobody to meet. Years. If you are single, you must look if you ever want to not be single.

[amaysngrace]

It was an analogy, not a comparison.

 

You're giving me a headache.

 

If you're 100% okay with being alone then I don't think you'd view being in a relationship the same way a happily poor person would view life if they hit the lottery.

[carhill]

Trust me on this: actually truly stopping looking does not help one bit. You'll spend years working your job, going home, sleeping and repeating, maybe getting a pint with a friend or colleague on a Friday, and never meeting anyone at all. Nobody to meet. Years. If you are single, you must look if you ever want to not be single.

 

That's a really concise way of describing my life experience. Thanks!

 

I greatly value those brothers I lift a pint with and those sisters with whom I share the joys and commiserations of life. Did some of that this past week on the other side of this continent. Meeting a single woman did not ever enter my mind once, even though there must've been hundreds to thousands in attendance where we were. I must've talked to at least a few dozen here and there. Not one grabbed me and drug me off to her cave. Life is good

 

And, as mentioned by others upthread, none of this generally applies to women; only to men. We are the pursuers; the penetrators. If we don't act, save for the very few universally attractive amongst us, we end up as spectators. Permanently.

[topaMAXX]

That's a really concise way of describing my life experience. Thanks!

 

I greatly value those brothers I lift a pint with and those sisters with whom I share the joys and commiserations of life. Did some of that this past week on the other side of this continent. Meeting a single woman did not ever enter my mind once, even though there must've been hundreds to thousands in attendance where we were. I must've talked to at least a few dozen here and there. Not one grabbed me and drug me off to her cave. Life is good

 

And, as mentioned by others upthread, none of this generally applies to women; only to men. We are the pursuers; the penetrators. If we don't act, save for the very few universally attractive amongst us, we end up as spectators. Permanently.

 

Bingo! Yahtzee!

 

This is a good example of why I always advise men to disregard advice from women and only listen to other men.

 

Men and women have different roles in dating, different perspectives. Judging by the responses from women in most of the threads on these forums, they haven't got the slightest idea of what most men go through when dating. And, as a man, any woman that claims to be struggling in dating gets a from me.

[melell]

I think it is nothing other than confirmation bias...

 

I think people meet special someones under many different circumstances for a range of reasons. There is no rule that when you stop looking it will happen, and to believe that is a little silly.

[kodakgirl]

I think it is nothing other than confirmation bias...

 

I think people meet special someones under many different circumstances for a range of reasons. There is no rule that when you stop looking it will happen, and to believe that is a little silly.

 

This is pretty much my opinion, honestly. I was just wondering if maybe there was something to it in another way--if it corrolated with some other behaviour that led to success, even if it didn't cause it. It looks like the answer is "maybe, depending on your definition." If this is "looking":

 

They play it down, but truth is many/most people, if single, spend most of their leisure activity time trying not to be. Every weekend will be spent out trying to pull. Every social event is gauged for possibility of meeting someone before they'll go to it. They'll tap every familial or friendly contact they can for single friends. These days, they'll hit up OLD and go on as many dates as they can arrange. I've seen it all in action.

 

... then yes, I agree not focusing so hard on all that and putting your own life and interests first will help. So I suppose the phrase might help people who are doing that. I guess the phrase frustrates me because I don't do that and never have. I do a ton of other things with my life and they can fill up my thoughts all day so I don't even think about being single... but all it takes is a pause in the other thoughts and it hits me. I feel depending on the definition I could be considered looking OR not looking. So then I suppose if I met someone tomorrow I could say I met him when I was looking or when I wasn't. That may explain a lot of it....

 

I'm sorry, but there is no way that this can be true. If you were exactly the same, you would have the same success. Either you are not as attractive in some way as you think you are (sorry for being blunt, but I'm probably right) or you are actually way more picky than she is.

 

Any relatively attractive woman that I know that is single is EXTREMELY (almost otherworldly) picky.

 

Again, you probably are not viewing yourself as others view you. And you are likely way too picky.

 

Oh of course we are not exactly the same. I don't see any value in comparing us in detail, but yes, of course there are reasons someone would chose her instead of me (and vice versa, depending on the someone). And she is one of the best friends I've ever had and I love her dearly-- I don't begrudge her success at all. I'm the sort that if I had to chose between me being single forever and one of my best friends being single forever, I'd chose me being single. And the issue isn't even that she attracts men more easily than me. I have no idea if she does or doesn't. But she meets them more easily than me without going out of her way. That's the part that baffles me. I guess it is just luck.

 

This thread isn't meant to be a "why am I single" thread, so I don't want to get very far into this, but I don't really understand why you assume I'm unlucky because I'm less attractive. I don't know how attractive I am. I've had enough consistent feedback over the last decade that I feel it would be silly of me not to concede I'm more attractive than not. But beyond that I really struggle to assess my own looks, much less compare them with women I know and adore. I might be a 6 and I might be a 9--evidence could point to either. I've always been attractive enough to catch the interest of most of the men who've attracted me, which is enough for me. The problem isn't not attracting guys. Her own ex even thought I was cute (in a not-going-to-do-anything way, of course). It's just flat-out meeting the ones I want to attract. I'm open to honest feedback on things to work on that I might not see, but I don't really understand or appreciate the assumption I'm just not that attractive.

[gaius]

I think some people can be a little dysfunctional when it comes to seeking a partner. Use techniques and behavior that can end up turning a lot of potential suitors off without realizing it. So only when they stop looking and revert to their natural honest selves do others start to take notice and become attracted.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I just think that it's crazy suggesting not being attractive is the reason for a woman being single. If you look around you, women in relationships are not exactly victoria secret models. In fact comparing my single friends to my coupled friends, they are roughly of same attractivness.

[Keenly]

You're giving me a headache.

 

If you're 100% okay with being alone then I don't think you'd view being in a relationship the same way a happily poor person would view life if they hit the lottery.

 

Again it's an analogy, not a comparison. There is a huge difference.

 

A fisherman might be okay getting skunked, but he still wants a fish.

 

Is that one better ?

 

X is to y as a is to b is not a comparison of A and Y.

 

 

A simple analogy to get the point across that even though I'm ready to be alone for the next 5,10,15 years, but I'd still enjoy the companionship of a good woman.

[galaxyman]

I'm sure pretty much every single person has heard "you'll meet that special someone when you aren't looking!", and probably most of them have hated hearing it. But for some people, it really is true-- they always meet special someones when they aren't looking. It baffles me and I was wondering if anyone has any insight?

 

One of my best friends is a case in point-- she had told me before that every single relationship she'd ever had came when she wasn't looking for a relationship. Then last July or so her boyfriend unexpectedly broke up with her after four years. She was of course devastated but within a month had found a fellow she felt interested in. They didn't actually date at that point, but they've been gradually getting more and more involved (despite several big reasons they shouldn't have, but that's beside the point) and anyway now they're dating. I kind of don't feel it will work out but the point is she met someone like THAT who she felt interested in and who felt interested in her.

 

I don't get it. We're about as evenly matched as two people can be-- about the same as far as attractiveness, intelligence, niceness, outgoingness (or lack therof), similar interests and ambitions. She isn't any more social than I am, or more confident, or better around people. Most relevantly-- she is every bit as picky with guys as I am. In fact we have similar tastes. But she found this fellow who appeals to her in every way so easily... just by chance. They both work at the same place, and in fact on the day she works they're the only two there.

 

Normally so what, chance is chance-- but she says it's always been like that for her, which to me indicates more than just luck. Meanwhile I've been single over three years with only one real potential that lasted all of ten weeks. I meet guys who genuinely interest me about twice a year if I'm lucky (with no guarantee they're single). We are interested in the same type, with the same standards, offering similar things. But she meets them without even trying (sometimes without even wanting to) and I hardly meet them despite trying. I feel I'm missing something and I have no idea what.

 

Thoughts?

 

I agree with a fellow poster who wrote that men compare women very differently than how women compare each other. Still, from my experiences, I believe that most attractive women have it much easier than even an attractive man. They don't have to "look". They can just sit there and eventually some guy is going to ask them out.

 

As for you? I don't know. I'd have to know more about how you act towards guys. Maybe she sends out subtle flirty signals more frequently? I know a girl who I'd consider "decently" attractive. And yet , she makes me more excited than any "beautiful" girl I know. Why? Her attitude. She's so open...very "touchy"...friendly towards males. I just love the feeling of being around her. I'm sure she'd get hit on way more than the other "more attractive" women.

 

Does that help?