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Guy omits something HUGE on OLD.


Lernaean_Hydra

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Lernaean_Hydra

So, I swore I'd never use OLD but a few weeks ago out of boredom I signed up for one of the big free sites. Anyway, this one guy messages me not long after I joined, we exchanged messages back and forth for a while, then switched to text/phone calls and finally Skype. I've already met several guys in person so this is pretty much my standard process before taking the final step.

 

He's cute, charming, a few years older than me (29) but otherwise seemed pretty stable and extraordinarily funny. Etc, etc. Anyway, during our hours long Skype chat he begin to say some things that seemed to be hinting at something. To make a long story short, the more he spoke the more I became suspicious. After some gentle prying on my part, he finally confessed that he was in a wheelchair.

 

Not wanting to be rude, I declined asking him any further questions but I was....disappointed to say the least.

 

I don't know what to do, on the one hand, he's great, but on the other, I don't appreciate being lied to on such a grand scale. It feels feels sooooo much like those Catfish who pose as 21 year old hotties but end up being 35 years old and 300lbs and think if they could but make their victim fall for them! when the truth came out, it really wouldn't matter so much in the end. I don't like feeling like he thought he could get me to form an attachment then ease me into things. This is a pretty big deal.

 

To be honest, we communicated several times daily but now, I can barely bring myself to interact with him. How do I let him down? What should I say or do?

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That is not something HUGE! Huge is committing a murder and getting away with it. So what you are driving at is being in a wheelchair is a deal breaker for you. Then be up front about it. Done deal...move on!

Edited by Tressugar
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So, I swore I'd never use OLD but a few weeks ago out of boredom I signed up for one of the big free sites. Anyway, this one guy messages me not long after I joined, we exchanged messages back and forth for a while, then switched to text/phone calls and finally Skype. I've already met several guys in person so this is pretty much my standard process before taking the final step.

 

He's cute, charming, a few years older than me (29) but otherwise seemed pretty stable and extraordinarily funny. Etc, etc. Anyway, during our hours long Skype chat he begin to say some things that seemed to be hinting at something. To make a long story short, the more he spoke the more I became suspicious. After some gentle prying on my part, he finally confessed that he was in a wheelchair.

 

Not wanting to be rude, I declined asking him any further questions but I was....disappointed to say the least.

 

I don't know what to do, on the one hand, he's great, but on the other, I don't appreciate being lied to on such a grand scale. It feels feels sooooo much like those Catfish who pose as 21 year old hotties but end up being 35 years old and 300lbs and think if they could but make their victim fall for them! when the truth came out, it really wouldn't matter so much in the end. I don't like feeling like he thought he could get me to form an attachment then ease me into things. This is a pretty big deal.

 

To be honest, we communicated several times daily but now, I can barely bring myself to interact with him. How do I let him down? What should I say or do?

 

Grand scale? Grand scale??

 

Grand scale lie is: I murdered my next door neighbor and served 30 years for it. Or, I embezzled one million dollars.

 

Being in a wheel chair is not even close to grand scale.

 

He probably lied to you because of how many women react the way you do now when you find out he's in a wheelchair.

 

Suddenly, all the qualities that drew you to him don't matter because his two legs don't work. Imagine how that rejection feels for him, before you go accusing him of Catfishing you, which he didn't. He omitted that information because he 1) feels insecure because of past shallow judgement from women he's tried to date, or 2) didn't think it would matter to most normal people because it's who he is as a whole person.

 

So he's in a wheelchair. So what. Doesn't make him less interesting or attractive. To you, yes it does. But to the right woman, that sort of thing won't matter.

 

Either get over his slip up and give him a chance, or end it now and be brutally honest with him. Don't string him along. He didn't do anything wrong in my opinion. He's human. If he had committed murder then I'd agree with you about being lied to. But I think you're making a mountain out of a mowhill in this case.

 

Let him down and move on.

Edited by writergal
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Grand scale lie is: I murdered my next door neighbor and served 30 years for it. Or, I embezzled one million dollars.

 

Being in a wheel chair is not even close to grand scale.

 

^ ^ ^ THIS, THIS, THIS ^ ^ ^

 

A thousand times, This!

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First of all -- I agree, let him down now. No need to string him along.

 

Next -- we can debate the semantics of words like "huge", but it's not really necessary. I agree with the OP that the fact that he's in a wheelchair is an important issue. When you're looking for a potential life partner, you're looking for somebody who could potentially fulfill you and complement your life in crucial respects. The sad but simple reality is that, with this guy, there are a bunch of things that the two of you just plain won't be able to enjoy together.

 

OP, there's no need to feel guilty at all for "rejecting" him. Be gentle about it, but honest. If he tries to make you feel guilty, at the end of the day all you need to do is block him. His disability is highly unfortunate, but it's not your fault and it need only become your problem if you want it to.

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You women are all crazy. You don't call that huge and grand scale? Gotta be kidding me. We aren't talking world peace here, we are talking OLD- and in the world of OLD that is FRIGGIN' HUGE- actually as huge as it gets if you ask me... Move on to the next, that's what OLD is all about. Recyclable people.

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Lernaean_Hydra
Grand scale? Grand scale??

 

Grand scale lie is: I murdered my next door neighbor and served 30 years for it. Or, I embezzled one million dollars.

 

Being in a wheel chair is not even close to grand scale.

 

He probably lied to you because of how many women react the way you do now when you find out he's in a wheelchair.

 

[...]he omitted that information because he 1) feels insecure because of past shallow judgement from women he's tried to date, or 2) didn't think it would matter to most normal people because it's who he is as a whole person.

 

 

Okay well, maybe I used the wrong word choices but...actually no, I don't feel I did as. This is significant to me. A "grand scale" has to be murder? Not married? Actually a different gender? Paralyzed? Idk, those all seem petty huge to me.

 

Sex is out of the question and from what I understand now, he needs and extraordinary level of care (it's not just mere paralysis we're talking about here. I run, I dance, I travel. All things he cannot do. Things that he claimed he enjoyed doing.

 

I don't know I just...do you really mean to tell me that a "normal person" flat out wouldn't care about whether someone they were interested in COULD WALK or not? Lets be real here. It's not like he was secretly bald or slightly overweight and I'm freaking out.

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TheyCallMeOx

I think I understand his logic for not being upfront about being confined to a wheelchair, but it's very manipulative. When you pursue people in real life, you can't hide the fact that you're confined to a wheelchair; I feel that it should be the same case for online dating. If he had told you in the beginning, he might have stood a better chance with you. But since he manipulated you, he made the situation worse. Perhaps he had good intentions, but withholding information like that is never a good thing. He may have a lot of good qualities, but the fact that he hid something like that is a cause for concern. Just tell him that you don't feel comfortable pursuing anything more, I'm sorry it didn't work out, and hope that he can find someone who is willing to accept that. You may feel immoral for turning down a man over something he may not have control over, but if I was confined to a wheelchair...I wouldn't want to be pitied. I wouldn't want women dating me because they feel bad for me. I would think that I'm a normal person just like anyone else, and if people can't date me because of something I don't have control over...that's not my problem, and I probably wouldn't want to date people like that anyway.

 

Get out of the pursuit while you can, and learn from it. Ask more questions in the beginning. Unfortunately, people will sometimes not answer the important questions until you specifically ask about them.

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this isn't huge, he omitted it specifically because he thought he wouldn't get a chance because of it, same as other similar health conditions might scare people off.

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hasaquestion
I think I understand his logic for not being upfront about being confined to a wheelchair, but it's very manipulative. When you pursue people in real life, you can't hide the fact that you're confined to a wheelchair; I feel that it should be the same case for online dating. If he had told you in the beginning, he might have stood a better chance with you. But since he manipulated you, he made the situation worse. Perhaps he had good intentions, but withholding information like that is never a good thing. He may have a lot of good qualities, but the fact that he hid something like that is a cause for concern. Just tell him that you don't feel comfortable pursuing anything more, I'm sorry it didn't work out, and hope that he can find someone who is willing to accept that. You may feel immoral for turning down a man over something he may not have control over, but if I was confined to a wheelchair...I wouldn't want to be pitied. I wouldn't want women dating me because they feel bad for me. I would think that I'm a normal person just like anyone else, and if people can't date me because of something I don't have control over...that's not my problem, and I probably wouldn't want to date people like that anyway.

 

Get out of the pursuit while you can, and learn from it. Ask more questions in the beginning. Unfortunately, people will sometimes not answer the important questions until you specifically ask about them.

 

Why is being in a wheelchair a strike against you?

 

I knew a guy who was in a wheelchair in college. Dude was a champ. Got so much tail in his freaking wheelchair. Now he's an actuary. Not bad for a "disabled" guy.

 

At the end of the day, he had...

 

1) 10x the balls most men have, because he was used to having to go above and beyond.

 

2) A very positive attitude about everything. Infectiously so.

 

3) It made him unique. it made him a character. He wasn't just another guy.

 

4) He was really forward and tried to get people to embrace the novelty, he wasn't afraid of poking fun at himself.

 

Yeah I'm sure a lot of girls would have ruled him out because of the wheelchair. But of the ones who didn't consider that a dealbreaker? They'd look at him and think "wow, this is an interesting and attractive human being".

Whereas most men are equally bland to everyone.

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Not only is it a big deal, but everyone here saying it isn't and trying to shame you would have responded in exactly the same way. Except they wouldn't have had the balls to post here about it, just swept it under their mind-rug. The guy fooled you, lied by omission.

 

On this very forum, almost every woman will leap to the defence of the idea they can pick and choose men in OLD based on their appearance - no fat guys, no baldies, no shorties, only gym rats, only well dressed, whatever. Every week there's posts about awful lying men lying about their height, age, income, housing status, etcetera. How on earth do you square that with then condemning someone for reacting like this to finding out a guy is a goddamn cripple? Would you feel different if she said he was a cripple and 5'2"?

 

I will remember this thread and use it as an anecdote probably for the rest of my life. You have all just furnished me with comedy gold. Thanks.

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Wait, so basically, a woman feeling cheated because a man didn't tell her he was in a wheelchair is NOT ok but a man will feel cheated because a woman doesn't resemble her photos and THAT is ok??

 

Oh, double standards.

 

Dating someone in a wheelchair can greatly affect a partner's life in general. I wouldn't go as far as to say it is huge, but it is not ok that he wasn't upfront about it.

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Oh for the love of god, women in this society these days.

The guy knew that he wouldn't stand a chance if he disclosed early on that he was / has been in a wheelchair.

 

In all honesty, should I be passed up in a similar fashion because I've had cancer in the past ?

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I swear I'm not trying to be mean, but your reaction is the very reason he hid it.

 

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, please... but it almost sounds like the wheelchair turned you off, and you are hiding behind the omission to reject him rather than the real reason.

 

 

If I missed the mark completely... please tell me.

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I swear I'm not trying to be mean, but your reaction is the very reason he hid it. .

 

 

I agree with this.

 

 

But I have to ask . . . how many conversations did you have with him before it came out?

 

 

I'm not crazy about the fact that getting the info from him was like pulling teeth.

 

 

That said I was in a similar situation. I went on my very 1st OLD meeting. A lot of what he told me was a lie & he was about 50 lbs heavier & 10 years older than his picture. On-line & during a conversation he told me that he sprained his ankle. That was a lie. He had a degenerative disease (I don't remember which one at this point, MS I think) and he walked with a walker. If that had been the only thing he lied about I might have been a bit more open to it but it was pretty jarring.

 

 

Like the guy you met, I can understand why they hid it. But if you otherwise like his personality, try to look past the chair.

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regine_phalange

He didn't commit a crime, I can understand how hard it must be for him to disclose this info about himself. It isn't his fault. Have you thought that maybe he didn't say something earlier because he didn't want to be pitied or because he knows people freak out or feel uncomofrtable when he reveals it? Show some understanding for his very, very hard position, and be truly graceful with your rejection. I understand you as well, it's very difficult to find a polite way to reject him without feeling bad. But don't be so suspicious of his motives, Im sure he just felt uncomfortable.

 

Saying that, once I almost fell in love instantly with a man who was missing a limb from his one knee and under. He was very handsome, athletic and all sweaty because he was running -a lot faster than me.

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nescafe1982

I didn't write about my inherited immune disorder on my OLD profile. Thankfully, my current SO doesn't hold it against me.

 

Seriously. People are allowed to be a little more private about medical stuff. A wheelchair is, of course, going to be quite obvious once you meet the guy... but I don't see why his (understandable) omission looks like a betrayal to you.

 

And fwiw, my best guy friend is in a chair... and aside from being an absolute catch, the ONE thing he's sensitive about is stereotype threat, e.g. the idea that if he leads with "btw I'm in a chair" that people will automatically attribute any of his capacities (or incapacities) to his physical condition. I'd bet money that this man did not lead with his physical status because he doesn't want women to, you know, assume certain things about his personality because of it.

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Salvatore85

Why not go out with him and see where it goes? I don't think your reaction to it is wrong in any way, it's something that should be disclosed in his profile. However the way I feel is you like absolutely everything about him and were extremely excited to see him before this, so just give it a shot and go out with him.

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TheyCallMeOx
Why is being in a wheelchair a strike against you?

 

I knew a guy who was in a wheelchair in college. Dude was a champ. Got so much tail in his freaking wheelchair. Now he's an actuary. Not bad for a "disabled" guy.

 

At the end of the day, he had...

 

1) 10x the balls most men have, because he was used to having to go above and beyond.

 

2) A very positive attitude about everything. Infectiously so.

 

3) It made him unique. it made him a character. He wasn't just another guy.

 

4) He was really forward and tried to get people to embrace the novelty, he wasn't afraid of poking fun at himself.

 

Yeah I'm sure a lot of girls would have ruled him out because of the wheelchair. But of the ones who didn't consider that a dealbreaker? They'd look at him and think "wow, this is an interesting and attractive human being".

Whereas most men are equally bland to everyone.

 

Let me ask you a question. Can you read? You have completely misinterpreted what I said. I didn't even provide a personal opinion about men in wheelchairs, in fact. I don't disagree with you. There are people in wheelchairs who are more athletic, more all around successful then I'll probably ever be. However, if it's a deal-breaker (for someone like the OP), then it's a deal breaker. But I'm not the OP. So I have no idea where you got the idea that being in a wheelchair is a strike against me...what does that even mean anyways...

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endlessabyss

When I read this I definitely had to sit back and think about if for a second. I'm not going to lie, it kind of stung me, and I'm not even involved.

 

In my opinion the guy is insecure about his disability, and didn't want to be upfront, because he knew what the effect would be. And, he was right, he would of got turned down. You think this is the first time this has happened to him? I don't think in any way he was trying to deceive anybody intentionally. Maybe on his dating profile he should headline it: CRIPPLE IN WHEEL CHAIR. Maybe this would clear up the deception going forward.

 

For OP, any attraction she had for this guy went down the toilet soon as she discovered his disability. No reason to feel guilty; just tell him being in a wheelchair turned you off.

 

I've come to the conclusion that humans, for the most part, are superficial beings. Outward appearance is more than half of the game. If you didn't get blessed with the right genetics/health, game over (in most cases).

 

I really feel for this guy though. He got cut a bad deal in life, and subsequently has to suffer in other aspects because of it.

 

Hopefully someone will come into this life one day, and accept him for everything he is.

Edited by endlessabyss
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Grand scale? Grand scale??

 

Grand scale lie is: I murdered my next door neighbor and served 30 years for it. Or, I embezzled one million dollars.

 

Being in a wheel chair is not even close to grand scale.

:laugh: Most women would be less turned off by the murder, and almost all by the embezzling. How many times have we had discussions about how often women like their man to make them feel feminine and we're supposed to pretend a guy who can't even stand up is no big deal? When it comes to sexual attraction?

 

I feel awful for the guy and the situation he's in but it is what it is.

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I love the political correctness. I doubt most of the posters would date this guy.

 

My aunt had a similar experience. She belonged to the Sierra Club, participated in walks for charity, played tennis, hiked, loved her bike rides, etc. She had also divorced her asexual husband and was looking forward to having some great sex! When she met the guy she nearly fainted because he was in a wheelchair. She didn't relish the idea of being his nurse for the rest of his life.

 

I had a deaf guy contact me. I turned him down because I knew someone in college who was deaf and I was always emotionally exhausted trying to communicate with him. I am a big talker and like men who can talk and listen.

 

We all have preferences.

 

Just tell the guy you'd prefer someone who could keep up with you and you are looking for a triathalon training partner. :laugh: Why isn't he dating women in wheelchairs? Ask him that!

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Lernaean_Hydra
I swear I'm not trying to be mean, but your reaction is the very reason he hid it.

 

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, please... but it almost sounds like the wheelchair turned you off, and you are hiding behind the omission to reject him rather than the real reason.

 

 

If I missed the mark completely... please tell me.

 

 

I'm sorry for the delay in my reply, to be 100% honest, you missed the mark. The main reason I'm upset is because he lied. There is another guy, very attractive biker type I've been chatting with that has a prosthetic leg. His first message to me was something witty and funny (probably copypasta) that mentioned it. I was cool with it. Why? Because he was UP FRONT about it. He told me and not a single f*k was given that day.

 

I'm really not that shallow. I've been on dates with guys way older than my stated parameters, short guys (actually the average height for the guys I either met there or have dated recently is 5'6-5'7 - yep), guys who live at home and a tall, cardiothoracic surgeon; so I don't descriminate and have a variety of preferences.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Lernaean_Hydra

Oh, but make no mistake, the "omission" was the straw because he'd ventered into lying in order to hide his condition from me, but the situation as a whole would've given me pause. I'm not going to sit here and pretend as if it would've been all good. The wheelchair is one thing, but the other aspects... I don't know.

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Lernaean_Hydra
I agree with this.

 

 

But I have to ask . . . how many conversations did you have with him before it came out?

 

Multiple, lengthy conversations several times a day for several weeks. This isn't me just going "ewww, some cripple is trying to pick me up on OLD!!!111!" We talked for ages. I told him of how I used to be massively overweight, was bullied, depressed, etc which isn't something I share often.

I'm not crazy about the fact that getting the info from him was like pulling teeth.

 

Neither am I. And yeah, it was exactly like pulling teeth. If I had a transcript of our conversation leading up to the big reveal it'd read something like an Abbott and Costello sketch.

 

 

That said I was in a similar situation. I went on my very 1st OLD meeting. A lot of what he told me was a lie & he was about 50 lbs heavier & 10 years older than his picture. On-line & during a conversation he told me that he sprained his ankle. That was a lie. He had a degenerative disease (I don't remember which one at this point, MS I think) and he walked with a walker. If that had been the only thing he lied about I might have been a bit more open to it but it was pretty jarring.

 

Like the guy you met, I can understand why they hid it. But if you otherwise like his personality, try to look past the chair.

 

I sort of GET why he lied, in the way I would "get" why the man shot his wife's lover after he caught the two in bed, but I wouldn't condone his actions.

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