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Ugh.

 

 

Two weeks ago one of my childhood BFFs of 30+ years called me to tell me her husband was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. He was starting a treatment program & the doctors were assuring them that everything would be OK. I promised her that I would watch the kids or do whatever she needed while she took him for treatments.

 

 

I've check in periodically to see how they are doing. She is frazzled but OK & she says the doctors are very pleased with his treatments.

 

 

Great. Wonderful.

 

 

This morning my husband texts me that he sat next to her husband on the train on the way into work. They are rarely on the same train because the other guy usually goes in earlier but once in a while they bump into each other. DH tells me the other guy looks good. I ask how he's doing & DH says . . . . wait for it . . .

 

 

I don't know. I didn't ask him.

 

WTF?! Really? You didn't ask?! Uggggghhhhhh.

 

 

Somebody please explain men to me. How are you? would have been my first Q.

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GorillaTheater

:laugh:

 

I get in trouble from my wife all the time for this sort of thing.

 

I think that generally we want to keep things light and don't like to talk about problems unless we're looking for a way to solve them.

 

And despite the fact that you and her are life-long friends, it's possible that your husband felt he wasn't close enough to her H to delve into personal territory.

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Call up a good friend to discuss his cancer. He changes subject to cars.

 

Short version, at least in my generation:

 

Men generally don't open discussions with other men which seek to probe, or share, aspects which could be perceived as 'weakness'. An ill man isn't in top form and subject to taking by stronger/healthier adversaries.

 

I'm outlier to most of the men in my social circle so often get snubbed/redirected when broaching such subjects, or talking about my own 'problems' openly. Fact of life in the male world, mine anyway. It is what it is.

 

'Hey, how are you doin' buddy'

 

'Pretty good, can't complain. Normal aches and pains'

 

'Want to go shooting this weekend?'

 

'Sure, hey, how about catching a beer after work?'

 

'Sounds good'

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TheNoBSBuddhist

This is how guys talk about 'things'.

 

They talk about 'other things'.

 

Your H is probably of the opinion that if the guy had WANTED to talk about it - he would have done.

 

Besides, going into details of how someone is, and how they're progressing - in a public place, on the way to work - is probably perceived as tactless and/or inappropriate.

It's easier to bring it up, propping up a bar, sipping a couple of cold beers while ostensibly 'watching the game'.....

Take my word for it.

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salparadise

Man to man intimacy–– just is not allowed. If a man wants another man to share feelings, ask him why he likes his new motorcycle better than the previous one. If you want him to like you, comment on how insightful his technical explanation is. If you want to never hear from him again, say, yes but how does it make you feel?

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Its none of your hubby's business and he knows it. No big deal.

 

 

How is it none of his business to say how are you? Is everything OK? Is there anything Donnivain & I can do?

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I have a pretty tight group of friends; one of which I've known for 27 years and three others for 17+ years. Rarely do we talk about anything really personal. I talked with one friend a lot when I was going through problems with my ex, though that's about it. I don't know how to explain it; we just don't talk about personal stuff often.

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I do this all the time.

 

I am not one to say. `Hey Jeff, hows the prostate problem?` I am more likely to say, `See Chelsea last night the defence was a shambles`. Too which Jeff is secretly pleased his troublesome prostate is relegated to the back pages.

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hasaquestion
How is it none of his business to say how are you? Is everything OK? Is there anything Donnivain & I can do?

 

That's how we're wired. Feelings are something you choose to share. Think its silly? You aren't the first and won't be the last. But it is what it is.

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Antiquated gender roles that are changing as we speak. You'll find men under 30 who are like the others here have described but they'll be of a certain type (meatheaded macho, a dying breed). The rest of us are emotionally conversant. Not up to womens standard but getting on there.

 

Let's be honest, like all the unreformed male bull**** of our fathers generation and before, it was dumb, unhelpful and hurt themselves more than it hurt anyone else. Centuries of childish posturing that extended into lifetime philosophies are eroding in the 21st century.

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I am still made to put the rubbish out. Just by my daughter these days. She postures like a child of 8. Melts my heart and i load up the trash and do her bidding.

 

 

Antiquated gender roles that are changing as we speak. You'll find men under 30 who are like the others here have described but they'll be of a certain type (meatheaded macho, a dying breed). The rest of us are emotionally conversant. Not up to womens standard but getting on there.

 

Let's be honest, like all the unreformed male bull**** of our fathers generation and before, it was dumb, unhelpful and hurt themselves more than it hurt anyone else. Centuries of childish posturing that extended into lifetime philosophies are eroding in the 21st century.

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GorillaTheater
Antiquated gender roles that are changing as we speak. You'll find men under 30 who are like the others here have described but they'll be of a certain type (meatheaded macho, a dying breed). The rest of us are emotionally conversant. Not up to womens standard but getting on there.

 

Let's be honest, like all the unreformed male bull**** of our fathers generation and before, it was dumb, unhelpful and hurt themselves more than it hurt anyone else. Centuries of childish posturing that extended into lifetime philosophies are eroding in the 21st century.

 

<gives Shet a look through squinty narrowed eyes, grunts, and spits on dog>

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Men don't talk to each other like women do. We don't ask each other how we are doing or what's going on. We just aren't wired that way.

 

I have one of my three amigos visiting home from San Diego because his father is in the hospital. They are pretty sure its fatal, just awaiting a diagnosis.

 

We don't talk about it, and he is at my house every day this week.

 

Men are just different.

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Cripes. Why the need to judge some third party...the husband of a friend...If he wants to talk about it or not...so be it. You are not wanting to know out of compassion ( so you can do what exactly?) but out of curiosity.

 

 

Yes, I am curious. But I am also concerned. If they need something I want to help. His wife is a dear friend. I want him to be happy & healthy. If he's on his way to beating this, I want to celebrate his life & good fortunate.

 

 

Why is it so wrong to inquire?

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Women want to know and share, men want to keep it inside and stuff deep down in a pit of solemn silence. :D

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This is why me and Keenly, no matter how good friends we ever become, will never share an umbrella. Man thing.

 

 

Women want to know and share, men want to keep it inside and stuff deep down in a pit of solemn silence. :D
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This is why me and Keenly, no matter how good friends we ever become, will never share an umbrella. Man thing.

 

Men don't own umbrellas.

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Us men are nowhere no near as complicated, contradictory, confusing or crazy as women! men aren't supposed to understand women, it would ruin the fun :)

Edited by Targetlock
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Ugh.

 

 

Two weeks ago one of my childhood BFFs of 30+ years called me to tell me her husband was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. He was starting a treatment program & the doctors were assuring them that everything would be OK. I promised her that I would watch the kids or do whatever she needed while she took him for treatments.

 

 

I've check in periodically to see how they are doing. She is frazzled but OK & she says the doctors are very pleased with his treatments.

 

 

Great. Wonderful.

 

 

This morning my husband texts me that he sat next to her husband on the train on the way into work. They are rarely on the same train because the other guy usually goes in earlier but once in a while they bump into each other. DH tells me the other guy looks good. I ask how he's doing & DH says . . . . wait for it . . .

 

 

I don't know. I didn't ask him.

 

WTF?! Really? You didn't ask?! Uggggghhhhhh.

 

 

Somebody please explain men to me. How are you? would have been my first Q.

 

Just because a few guys do this doesn't mean everybody does.

 

I definitely would have asked him about it. But, then, I'm a pretty open, outgoing guy....and I'm not afraid of appearing weak.

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Yes, I am curious. But I am also concerned. If they need something I want to help. His wife is a dear friend. I want him to be happy & healthy. If he's on his way to beating this, I want to celebrate his life & good fortunate.

 

 

Why is it so wrong to inquire?

 

There's nothing wrong with inquiring if it is in the best intentions (and I am sure yours is). However, we as men just don't do that because it does look like weakness in our eyes and men do value the respect of other men so they won't show weakness to them.

 

I do the same. My legs have been giving me pain constantly to the point where I couldn't even go to the gym and work out. Despite that, I merely took the pain and barely spoke of it. Sure, I may complain and also walk slower than I normally do but, outside of that, I continue on without no other word from me.

 

If you really want to inquire, it is best that you do it. He may be more open to talk about this subject to you than he would to your husband, if I had to hazard a guess, because he knows that he is not only talking to a woman but also to a woman he can definitely trust.

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Yes, I am curious. But I am also concerned. If they need something I want to help. His wife is a dear friend. I want him to be happy & healthy. If he's on his way to beating this, I want to celebrate his life & good fortunate.

 

 

Why is it so wrong to inquire?

 

This is just one of the many ways men and women are different. Women want to know about other people's lives (whether they have the best intentions or not), men would rather pop a cold one and watch a game. Women are emotional caretakers, where expressing feelings and having empathy is much more natural. Men are fixers, they see a problem, they want to fix it, not ask how it feels :cool:

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