the feeling you can "earn" a great partner

[kodakgirl]

I'm generally a very optimistic and positive person, but sometimes I find it really hard to transfer those thoughts onto myself. I'm 26 with very little romantic experience, I've been single for almost 3 1/2 years (though I did manage to start falling in love and get my heart broken in that time despite the lack of an actual relationship) and I've had a really hard time dealing with it for that whole time. Generally I'm okay but sometimes I feel just miserable about it all, and the last couple days have been like that.

 

I think one of the hardest things for me is the fact that I feel I've "earned" a great partner by now. It sounds awful to put it like that-- maybe it is awful. I don't think it's a good way to feel. I think a lot of it comes from society, from literature and media-- in stories, yes, you earn it. And people in general seem to feel if you're a really wonderful person you should have a wonderful partner. I feel that way about other people, for sure. I feel it should be like that... but of course, "should" isn't how the world works.

 

I want to talk about this feeling. I met my (only) ex at 19-- first love, first major crush even. I was totally romantically inexperienced and very naive, if good-hearted and well-meaning. I had a lot of issues with my self-confidence and self-esteem, which eventually came out as insecurity and sometimes neediness. However, when these things caused issues, I committed myself to working on them. I worked really, really hard and deep. Even my partner was amazed how far I came and really respected me for it. By the end I'd learned so much about myself and love and relationships, and was a much, much better person and almost ideal partner. He still decided he didn't feel the same about me as I did about him and ended it just before I turned 23.

 

Through the last part of our relationship, my life was really falling apart, so at that point, at 23, I was not in a great place overall. I'd been having severe health issues with lots of time spent in hospital, struggling with severe depression, just barely managing to finish my undergrad degree after being a top student all my life. My plans for grad school had to be postponed, and I couldn't even work in the meantime. I had to live at home but my family was having issues. When I was able to look ahead to what I wanted to do I felt the path I'd wanted was no longer what I wanted, but I had no idea what else to do with myself.

 

Since then, though, I have come SO far. I worked really hard on my health and done better than anyone would have expected. I found a new area of study I loved and started a master's in it (with a nearly-full scholarship and straight A's). I worked for a while, then got student loans and my own place in a whole new city. I got back into writing (which I'd stopped doing in my early 20s) and love it more than ever, with a novel I've been working on for a couple years now with no failure of enthusiasm. I started a blog of old photos (my new area of interest) that has now been going for over 3 years, with over 500 000 page views. I made new, great friends. More importantly than that external stuff, I have really grown to feel happy with myself as a person, more self-confident, less shy and socially anxious. I'm friendlier, more laid-back, more compassionate. For the last year and a half or so I have been happier with myself and my life than ever.

 

But romance has sucked. I've worked really hard on that, too, on everything everyone says to do-- loving myself, being the kind of person I want as a partner, opening up, etc. etc. etc. Even without a relationship I've put thought into how I can one day be a better partner and worked on growing those aspects of myself in other parts of my life. I'm naturally very modest and still sometimes have a hard time full appreciating myself, but I feel absolutely comfortable in saying that I am really a "catch" of a partner. Much more than when I was 23, or when I was 19.

 

I have a LOT in my life to be thankful for, and I am, I really am. I have worked very hard to get where I am, and I'm lucky I have been able to. But then, it feels like with all this work, all this growth as a person and happiness with myself and life-- it feels the partner I've wanted "should" have come with that as well. But I've really struggled. I don't really met men in my day-to-day life, and I'm still way too shy to approach men on like, the subway or whatever. I've met some men online-- I'm very picky about who I meet so every date I have had has been very enjoyable and with a very worthwhile guy, but most of the time there's just a mutual lack of romantic chemistry. I have a very hard time finding men who interest me at all online though, and I get a lot of non-responses.

 

Last summer I met a guy online who blew me away, and it seemed very mutual. It was really, really great (not 'red-flag' great-- slow and sweet and natural feeling) for about 10 weeks. I felt, yes. This is why I waited all that time. All that time spent crying about my single-ness was worth it because now I've found him. Then he told me he wasn't looking for a relationship right now. I was really heartbroken. I guess I invested too much hope into it but his actions were so good and so consistent it felt 'safe' to do it. I didn't understand and I still don't. I didn't feel it was fair and I still don't.

 

I guess that's the crux of it-- it doesn't feel fair. I've worked so hard on my life and myself. I offer so much to a potential partner. And yet so many other people without this get partners so easily. I know life isn't fair. With my health issues, I know it very acutely. There are a lot of things that are more unfair, absolutely (I can't stand any of them, either). But I'm such an idealist and optimist I just can't accept it.

 

I know it's stupid. Being a "great catch" doesn't suddenly make other great catches just materialize. When you do meet them of course it will enhance your odds of success, but it doesn't necessarily help you meet them. Online, I keep working on my profile, almost superstitiously, like if I can just write a good enough profile I can summon up the men I want. At this point, if online dating was a profile-writing contest, I'd at least place (this is the current incarnatin, if you're curious: {URL Removed by Moderation} --as far as getting worthwhile messages, by the way, it is gold, so steal the idea if you want, haha) . But it doesn't help.

 

I don't want to get into a discussion of "standards" etc.-- I accept I have high standards, and I accept that it means I will probably go a lot longer being single than if I lowered them, and maybe I will always be single because of them. However, they are not unrealistic-- all the men I've been involved with, or even just gone on no-chemistry OKC dates with, have exceeded them. I don't want "a" boyfriend. I want one I want.

 

Rationally I totally accept how everything is. I accept life isn't fair. Love isn't predictable. You can't just insert a wonderful girl and get a wonderful guy for her. Most wonderful girls do have wonderful guys, but that doesn't make it a law. But emotionally I keep getting stuck crying about how unfair it is. I keep feeling there's some magic secret-- if I were only a bit prettier or a bit more extroverted or a bit more flirtatious, I would unlock him!

 

I want to get over this feeling. I want to stop thinking it isn't fair I don't have someone. It's just how the world IS. I'm happy my life is great and I"m a wonderful person; that is what I've earned, and that's enough. Right?

 

I'm sorry this is long. If you have read it, or even a part of it, thank you. I am always really touched by the time and care people put into others on forums like this.

Edited April 2, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[hasaquestion]

I looked at your profile. Frankly, I don't like it at all.

 

You are painting yourself in a desperate light. "I will treasure your friendships", "I will surprise you with cookies", etc. You shouldn't be selling yourself. Men should be making the sales pitch to YOU. If I were you I'd cut out the entire section labeled "If I were your boyfriend". If someone wants to find that stuff out they can earn it.

 

Intrigue is romantic. Less can be more.

 

Don't mean to be rude just trying to help out. With all that stuff you probably get a lot of guys with self esteem issues.

[whirl3daway]

I looked at your profile. Frankly, I don't like it at all.

 

You are painting yourself in a desperate light. "I will treasure your friendships", "I will surprise you with cookies", etc. You shouldn't be selling yourself. Men should be making the sales pitch to YOU. If I were you I'd cut out the entire section labeled "If I were your boyfriend". If someone wants to find that stuff out they can earn it.

 

Intrigue is romantic. Less can be more.

 

Don't mean to be rude just trying to help out. With all that stuff you probably get a lot of guys with self esteem issues.

 

I actually wrote up a post about this but deleted it. I also got the same "desperate" vibe from your profile. Honestly, I think it's too long. Also, I think you could use another full body pic where you aren't so bundled up. I also think that when you put: "this is what you and I will do together" - that's avoiding the real question and comes off desperate. If you put a little work into your profile to shorten it up, make it witty, and also try to come off a bit more confident, you might get a better quality of man that responds to you.

[thecrucible]

I know what you mean. I was feeling the same way. But my friends told me to be patient and not take the searching for someone so seriously. Ever since, I still haven't found someone, but life is much more enjoyable for me. So that might be the solution - with online dating, just have fun with it and don't take it too seriously?

 

I've struggled with depression too. It sounds like you have come a long way so don't be too hard on yourself.

 

Btw I don't myself think your profile is desperate or anything but maybe could make it a little more about you as a person and not so much relationship-related, if that makes sense? I need to work on mine too mind. hehe

 

I sometimes feel the same way - that it is all unfair. I think we all have our bad single days. Just need to try and be as positive as possible!

[regine_phalange]

From your posts I always thought you are a sweet and interesting girl, and now, looking at your photos, I see that you are also very pretty!

 

I think that your profile is quite long. I also think this kind of information is too precious to share with words, and it is to be experienced from the unique man that you will choose to be by your side. If I had an online dating profile I would just write down my interests - short and sweet.

 

I wish you good luck, and to find someone amazing soon!

[Teraskas]

Great profile, at least this one has some substance and actual sentences in it compared to the ones I always come across.

A shame you live all the way in Canada, lol.

 

Although I'd remove the "If I were your boyfriend" stuff. Honestly, it's up to them to find out such things.

[hotpotato]

It's too long for one thing. Most men probably will not read that.

Maybe write briefly about yourself and what you are looking for.

[kodakgirl]

Thanks for the replies. I don't know what I think about my profile-- I never really thought of it as coming across desperate though, thanks for that perspective (I actually wrote it as a list for myself then thought it might make an interesting profile.) I guess because in my mind there was the addendum "if you prove to me you are worth it." I've only had it for a week and a half and I've had a ton of great feedback on it though-- men writing just to say wow, it is incredible how you've expressed yourself. I've never had so many quality messages, and I wouldn't say at all they aren't good quality guys-- they just don't do it for me. I've gone through about a billion variations of a fairly standard "this is what I'm like and what I do" profile which got me even less attention and just as few responses, even though I'm a pretty interesting person. Earlier in the year I had a profile that was a creative writing type thing, people loved that too. I went on two dates with that one (one wrote me, one I wrote first), great guys but no chemistry either way, unfortunately.

 

Anyway though I guess maybe I shouldn't have included that, I don't really care about my online profile, I think I'll just close it this week anyway. Most of the time I feel either disappointed and frustrated I can't even find fellows I like, and/or really guilty for not liking the fellows who write me nice messages.

 

The feedback is still instructive though, it touches upon key problems of mine. I just don't get the "intrigue" thing. I don't have any desire to make a man "work"-- I don't want to be a doormat, either, but I want to meet 50/50. I want a man to feel I am interested in him as a person and that I value his feelings. I'm kind and considerate and compassionate. I don't throw myself at his feet but I don't make things difficult. I don't make myself "too available," I keep living my life, but I don't say no to seeing each other if I don't have a reason. I don't jump into "relationship" mode, not at all. I don't force things. I enjoy "the dance." I'm genuine in all my interactions. But it hasn't exactly worked out. I don't want to be any different. If being kind and compassionate and valuing men's feelings leaves me single forever, I'd prefer that. I know it isn't anything like "men don't like nice girls"-- I'm alwaaaaaays preaching against generalizations like that here, and I know that is 100% not true-- but something for me personally isn't working, and I don't see what I can change to fix it. If anyone has advice, please let me know, because I feel there's something I'm just not getting. I generally have a lot of emotional and social intelligence, too, which makes this huge blind spot of mine feel worse. I'm willing to work but I don't even know what to work on.

 

I don't know. I think I'm just not meant for dating. I'd never say that about anyone else but I feel it about myself. I don't really feel hopeful anymore I'll meet someone... I only feel hopeful one day being single will stop hurting. I have so much good in my life... I'm sick of breaking down in tears just because this one aspect doesn't work for me.

Edited April 2, 2014 by kodakgirl
thinking about it more

[topaMAXX]

Sounds like you're way too picky.

 

How can you possibly know if you have chemistry with a person until you meet them in person?

[pickflicker]

OP, an effective internet dating profile for a woman is half a dozen knock-out shots, and 6-8 bullet points about your best attributes.

 

Don't write a novel, because men don't read it. Just make sure your photos are awesome.

[kodakgirl]

Sounds like you're way too picky.

 

How can you possibly know if you have chemistry with a person until you meet them in person?

 

Yes, I am quite picky-- I'm all right with that and I accept the consequences. I don't want to get into it because it seems women always get attacked for it no matter what they say, but I do want to note it is almost entirely personality based... I know the kind of person who would be a good match for me. I do need to see at least the potential for myself to feel attracted to him, but the things that attract me are about much more than his place on a "looks scale." I totally understand that not everyone is great about expressing themselves and not everyone is photogenic or good at picking the right pictures, so I always give allowance for that. Last summer's guy had a meh profile and meh pictures but something about him just drew me like crazy. I'm open, too-- if a fellow writes me a nice message and he doesn't clash with any of the things I want in a partner and I don't find him unattractive, I will definitely have a conversation and be willing to meet up. I will even write fellows whose profiles don't necessarily excite me but who seem a pretty good fit on paper. However so far this has always resulted in those "nice but no chemistry" dates. And when I say that, I don't mean I just didn't feel chemistry myself-- any of those fellows I'd happily see for a second date if they asked. But that seems to be their position too-- it ends with, "let me know if you want to get together again." I'm perfectly willing to initiate messages online or be the one to ask about meeting up in person, but if he doesn't ask for a second date and I'm not super keen myself, I won't.

 

I'm also just not the type to meet with with a million fellows from online. I know some people do that and it's what's reccomended, but it isn't my thing. I like meeting people but I am naturally introverted and it takes a lot of my energy (energy which is in low supply right now with everything else I have going on in my life). I've never had a bad date from online, which I know is more than a lot of girls can say (and of course, knock on wood!). Again I realize this is a choice and maybe if I changed it I'd have better success but to me the pros don't outweigh the cons.

 

OP, an effective internet dating profile for a woman is half a dozen knock-out shots, and 6-8 bullet points about your best attributes.

 

Don't write a novel, because men don't read it. Just make sure your photos are awesome.

 

I've tried this, too. I've tried pretty much every variation on a profile-- I start being interested in seeing different results from an objective point of view. Longer, shorter, less detail, more. Honestly, the longer and more detail ones have got me better messages and probably all the dates I've had. I'm sure a lot of men don't read it all, but the kind of men I'm wanting to attract do. I think it's best not to write for mass appeal, but to write for the kind of man you want.

 

I don't feel my pictures are a problem either. Men definitely find me physically attractive, online and off. I can be pretty photogenic (though I am also careful not to select ones I feel are "too good"). My photos are all from the last year and I change them around fairly often. I get tons of high ratings, tons of views, tons of looks on the street. It makes no difference.

 

It's sort of interesting really that I'd get feedback on how to make my profile better-- as I said, I've felt almost compulsive about trying to make my profile better, as if the right profile would magically make the men (man) I want appear. I have no more interest in trying to make it better anymore (though if I try it again I guess I'll ditch this particular profile). It's just rare I find a guy online who interests me a lot (though I try to write to guys who interest me a little on a regular basis). When I have I've almost always had an enthusiastic response (or at least a very nice response thanking me for the message and telling me too bad, he is juuust getting in to a relationship). When I find men I want I DO often attract them. It's just everything else that's a problem.

 

Anyway though, I realllllllllllly didn't want to talk about online dating. My mistake in mentioning my profile. Maybe sometime I will try a new post saying things differently.

 

I'm feeling okay today, like I usually am-- I'm a pretty resilient, overall happy person and my breakdowns usually don't last. I think I'm over it now. Thanks for the responses, I do appreciate people taking the time to read and respond. (and sorry not to mention it yesterday-- I was still in breakdown mode-- but those of you who said really sweet things, awww, thank you )

 

ETA: Just because I am feeling a bit nervous about the standards and pickiness thing (people can be kind of mean on this)-- I wanted to add that my idea of the kind of partner I want is shaped almost entirely by the men I've been involved with in the past and the kinds of men my friends are in relationships with. I've had really really great guys be interested in me (I joke that I get rejected by just the best guys, haha). Almost all my friends are in relationships, and their boyfriends are really really great guys. If they weren't my friend's partners I would happily date most of them (though of course I would never, ever mess with a friend's relationship or even date their ex if they broke up). I am very similar to my friends in terms of overall niceness, intelligence, interestingness, and attractiveness, so I don't feel I am trying to aim above my league or anything. Just for the record.

Edited April 2, 2014 by kodakgirl
ETA-ing

[Frank2thepoint]

I don't have an OKCupid account. I feel so left out from all the drama.

[Phoe]

Definitely, if possible, shorten it, but I would say DON'T change the things that show who you are as a person. You like to give, that's a part of you, and I don't think you should hide it. Shorten it, hint at it, but don't completely delete that part of you from your profile.

 

One thing I will say, if you don't want to post another full body pic, like suggested above, then don't.

 

 

I'm a big believer in NOT posting full body pics for OLD. When I was on OLD, only 1 man ever requested more photos, and I immediately ended contact with him. It was clear he was more fussed about my looks than who I was as a person.

 

 

I got the man who messaged me because he thought my personality and interests seemed awesome, thought my face was pretty, and liked the twinkle in my eye.

[William]

Moderation removed the direct link to the thread starter's dating profile as such personally identifiable information is disallowed here. Discussion of other aspects of the starting post may continue, as well as that of non-personally identifiable information. Thanks!

[kodakgirl]

Moderation removed the direct link to the thread starter's dating profile as such personally identifiable information is disallowed here. Discussion of other aspects of the starting post may continue, as well as that of non-personally identifiable information. Thanks!

 

Message definitely received! Sorry!

 

Definitely, if possible, shorten it, but I would say DON'T change the things that show who you are as a person. You like to give, that's a part of you, and I don't think you should hide it. Shorten it, hint at it, but don't completely delete that part of you from your profile.

 

One thing I will say, if you don't want to post another full body pic, like suggested above, then don't.

 

 

I'm a big believer in NOT posting full body pics for OLD. When I was on OLD, only 1 man ever requested more photos, and I immediately ended contact with him. It was clear he was more fussed about my looks than who I was as a person.

 

 

I got the man who messaged me because he thought my personality and interests seemed awesome, thought my face was pretty, and liked the twinkle in my eye.

 

The twinkle in your eye, that is cute. That is really what has attracted me to the men online who've really attracted me-- even if the pictures themselves aren't anything special, there's just a LOOK about him I love without even being able to say why (actually attraction works the same way for me in real life--something ineffable about the look, the twinkle...). This is how the guy from last summer stood out to me above all the rest, despite nothing really being special about his profile or pictures themselves. It's just hard for me to imagine it working the other way around.

 

I think I did actually have two full-body pics, just I was sitting down in one (and wearing Mickey Mouse ears ). Though if I did change them and forget-- well, considering it's been really, really cold here for the last four months, the one of me in a coat and hat is probably the best representation of how I've looked most of the time, haha. I don't get the big fuss about full body pics myself but I always try to include one so no one is suspicious. If a fellow minds though that I'm wearing a coat rather than a bikini in it, well, he probably isn't someone I want writing me anyway.

 

As I said I do appreciate everyone's feedback-- I'm realizing I should have structured my original post differently, since I must have seemed like I was asking a different question than I was, but honestly, thank you for the time.

 

I guess I know that once you've got to a certain point, it just takes patience and hope... but I also guess I feel I've waited with patience and hope for the last decade (honestly, even during the relationship--I was always waiting for it to be something more than what it actually was), and it feels like that should have paid off by now. But I guess that's just idealism and media influence. Working really hard to be a wonderful person and live a life you love gets you to be a wonderful person living a life you love; that should be enough for anyone.