James1111 Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 I dont know where to start, im 25, average looking, still living with my parents. I have never had a girlfriend, never been kissed, and to be honest given my current state i think the friendzone would be an improvement. I think i suffer from social anxiety, dealing with people has never been easy for me. Probably goes without saying but as a kid i was bullyed by boys and girls alike, in hindsight i think that the taunts and abuse where not the worst part, the thing that has haunted me all this time is rejection. I really never learned to belong. Growing up i did have friends and all but even they didnt found me really pleasant or interesting. That being said and given my nature, I feel like a ghost. From puberty and onwards I've always felt like im looking at the world trough a window, dissected from society. Even from the start i always felt like having a girlfriend was an impossible dream for me, that i wasnt worth anyones attention. So until I was 17 I simply ignored these notions, and made do with what I had. It was in this year, that I met a girl and fell in love with her. I didnt really knew her, not even talked to her, but she seemed a loner just like me, and from whatever reason that resonated with me. She is relevant because she made me contemplate the possibility of action, of getting up, walking to her, and talking to her. From that point on I have tried, but never really succeeded. In the end, all the girls i have met have gone away. None of them wanted to talk to me after some time. Even from a friendship only perspective, I have tried being more relaxed, funny, charismatic, but I am simply not. Even as friends they arent interested. Nowadays I feel mostly tired. My narrow circle of friends has gotten even narrower, and not in a bad sense its just simply that we have grown up. They have their own relationships, their jobs and responsibilities and so all of us have little time to spare. Seeing them makes me feel so desolate, even tough we all have our problems, they at least have someone to share the burden with. And so I do not go out much, I do not meet a lot of people, when I do its hard for me to interact with them, even more so if they are girls. And after all that if I manage to control the anxiety and feel comfortable with them, they back away for whatever reason. And I feel rejected all the time. I feel so lonely, so alienated, so repulsive and ultimately so very tired. Link to post Share on other sites
Noproblem Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 I dont know where to start, im 25, average looking, still living with my parents. I have never had a girlfriend, never been kissed, and to be honest given my current state i think the friendzone would be an improvement. I think i suffer from social anxiety, dealing with people has never been easy for me. Probably goes without saying but as a kid i was bullyed by boys and girls alike, in hindsight i think that the taunts and abuse where not the worst part, the thing that has haunted me all this time is rejection. I really never learned to belong. Growing up i did have friends and all but even they didnt found me really pleasant or interesting. That being said and given my nature, I feel like a ghost. From puberty and onwards I've always felt like im looking at the world trough a window, dissected from society. Even from the start i always felt like having a girlfriend was an impossible dream for me, that i wasnt worth anyones attention. So until I was 17 I simply ignored these notions, and made do with what I had. It was in this year, that I met a girl and fell in love with her. I didnt really knew her, not even talked to her, but she seemed a loner just like me, and from whatever reason that resonated with me. She is relevant because she made me contemplate the possibility of action, of getting up, walking to her, and talking to her. From that point on I have tried, but never really succeeded. In the end, all the girls i have met have gone away. None of them wanted to talk to me after some time. Even from a friendship only perspective, I have tried being more relaxed, funny, charismatic, but I am simply not. Even as friends they arent interested. Nowadays I feel mostly tired. My narrow circle of friends has gotten even narrower, and not in a bad sense its just simply that we have grown up. They have their own relationships, their jobs and responsibilities and so all of us have little time to spare. Seeing them makes me feel so desolate, even tough we all have our problems, they at least have someone to share the burden with. And so I do not go out much, I do not meet a lot of people, when I do its hard for me to interact with them, even more so if they are girls. And after all that if I manage to control the anxiety and feel comfortable with them, they back away for whatever reason. And I feel rejected all the time. I feel so lonely, so alienated, so repulsive and ultimately so very tired. Hey James. It's OK. You are not alone ..Thousands of people are in this situation. I hear you when you say your friends are ready have a life and busy. You never mentioned anything about your education..If you want to start a new life. go back to education, get finical aid, study something that can get you a good job and you will meet new people... Girls won't eat you, they are just normal creatures. Some are mean, some are nice ..You just have to pretend they are guys, so you don't get intimidated by them Also, you should join a gym work on your body, join yoga classes to relax and see new girls ...Even older women in their 50s will give you more confidence and make it easier for you to talk to other females. Change your outfits I see this a lot.. a good looking guys or average dressing like an old guys in their 80s ( no offence) But grooming and fashion really make a big difference. Choose a celebrity that is not so feminine or a rap star and wear similar outfits to what he wears Even as a friend, girls prefer someone who is clean and fairly wearing nice cloths. I hear you about the bullying, I had similar experiences and I still live with my parents too, my situation is different as I am from different country so it's normal for me to live with my parents.... You know people are mean to nice people. and this society is meaner than my original society Back in the days, strangers laughed at me now, here people whom I help with homework and talk to, laugh at me So, it hurts, I know But don't let that define who you are If you don't want to join a gym or go back to school at least start volunteering work Link to post Share on other sites
hasaquestion Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 I dont know where to start, im 25, average looking, still living with my parents. I have never had a girlfriend, never been kissed, and to be honest given my current state i think the friendzone would be an improvement. I think i suffer from social anxiety, dealing with people has never been easy for me. Probably goes without saying but as a kid i was bullyed by boys and girls alike, in hindsight i think that the taunts and abuse where not the worst part, the thing that has haunted me all this time is rejection. I really never learned to belong. Growing up i did have friends and all but even they didnt found me really pleasant or interesting. That being said and given my nature, I feel like a ghost. From puberty and onwards I've always felt like im looking at the world trough a window, dissected from society. Even from the start i always felt like having a girlfriend was an impossible dream for me, that i wasnt worth anyones attention. So until I was 17 I simply ignored these notions, and made do with what I had. It was in this year, that I met a girl and fell in love with her. I didnt really knew her, not even talked to her, but she seemed a loner just like me, and from whatever reason that resonated with me. She is relevant because she made me contemplate the possibility of action, of getting up, walking to her, and talking to her. From that point on I have tried, but never really succeeded. In the end, all the girls i have met have gone away. None of them wanted to talk to me after some time. Even from a friendship only perspective, I have tried being more relaxed, funny, charismatic, but I am simply not. Even as friends they arent interested. Nowadays I feel mostly tired. My narrow circle of friends has gotten even narrower, and not in a bad sense its just simply that we have grown up. They have their own relationships, their jobs and responsibilities and so all of us have little time to spare. Seeing them makes me feel so desolate, even tough we all have our problems, they at least have someone to share the burden with. And so I do not go out much, I do not meet a lot of people, when I do its hard for me to interact with them, even more so if they are girls. And after all that if I manage to control the anxiety and feel comfortable with them, they back away for whatever reason. And I feel rejected all the time. I feel so lonely, so alienated, so repulsive and ultimately so very tired. What do you do for a living? Link to post Share on other sites
Teraskas Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 OP, you more or less described an identical situation to that of my personal life. With the exception that despite having 2 GFs and currently having been single for well over 2 years I'm constantly getting rejected by women. Even though taking everything dating related (approaching, conversation, etc.) into account. Having recently graduated, and with a group of close friends out of which 4 out of 5 already have GFs, they don't bother meeting up anymore. The last guy tho is still single wishes to not get involved with women because he's been burned too many times. We've gone out for a beer plenty of times and we both agree that to them we're like the 3rd or 4th wheel on their wagon. Ever since December I've given up on finding someone. Sure, I've gone on several dates with women, but they are all so unsure as to what they want and too scared to give up their precious singlehood. Perhaps I don't look enough like a prison convict. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 You actually sound kind of depressed. that would account for the tired feeling. Have you ever been in counseling? You have to work on yourself before you can find a mate. Consider joining groups that do things which interest you. Movement & sunshine are some of the best natural antidotes for depression. Take a walk outside every day even a short one. Smile at people you see along the way. It seems like a ridiculous suggestion but I promise it will help to alleviate some of the isolation. Link to post Share on other sites
Lyn77 Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 Problem #1 "still living with my parents" Work on this first... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mr_dave Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 Problem #1 "still living with my parents" Work on this first... Things is though, the guy's alone enough as he is. So he moves out, has his own apartment, the neighbours aren't in his age group... then what? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hasaquestion Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 Things is though, the guy's alone enough as he is. So he moves out, has his own apartment, the neighbours aren't in his age group... then what? Then he's not living in his parents' house. If I were a girl I would consider that a deal breaker, barring very extenuating circumstances. Link to post Share on other sites
mr_dave Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 Then he's not living in his parents' house. If I were a girl I would consider that a deal breaker, barring very extenuating circumstances. But then he's completely on his own! Link to post Share on other sites
Teraskas Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 Then he's not living in his parents' house. If I were a girl I would consider that a deal breaker, barring very extenuating circumstances. Well, last time I checked housing isn't exactly cheap, despite being in a recession atm. Secondly, have women really become THIS shallow in today's society ? Seems to me that an individual's status is being measured more and more by his possessions rather than relationship-minded qualities... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whirl3daway Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 Well, last time I checked housing isn't exactly cheap, despite being in a recession atm. Secondly, have women really become THIS shallow in today's society ? Seems to me that an individual's status is being measured more and more by his possessions rather than relationship-minded qualities... It's not about possessions. It's about being able to live an independent life. I do not live with my parents and have not lived with them since the age of 18. I work two jobs to make this happen. While I do not immediately disqualify a man for this sort of thing, it is a turn off as I value hard work and independence. Link to post Share on other sites
Teraskas Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 (edited) It's not about possessions. It's about being able to live an independent life. I do not live with my parents and have not lived with them since the age of 18. I work two jobs to make this happen. While I do not immediately disqualify a man for this sort of thing, it is a turn off as I value hard work and independence. Sure, I've had the option to live alone around 4 years ago. However, it wasn't all that feasable at the time due to the fact that (over here) we were starting to feel the housing market collapse and general financial crises' effects. Not to mention on top of that I've had cancer, and the medication for that is a true pain to afford. Meanwhile, I've graduated and got my own (temporary 6 month contract) job. I work different hours than my parents. (One of the drawbacks of being a security guard.) I get my own food when I can't make it home in time for dinner, etc. Atm, the only thing I'm still doing is living at my parents' place. Given my father's medical issues, it's probably for the best as my mom can't take every day off to see to it. All in all I'm just saying that simply because someone still lives with their parents doesn't mean they're not independent. I've had friends who claimed they were going to live "Alone and independent". What they however forgot to mention was they were planning to move in with their SO or a friend acting as roommate for college, heh. So much for indepentent on their end. ^^ Edited March 31, 2014 by Teraskas Link to post Share on other sites
Targetlock Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 yep, he certainly isn't the only one as I'm in a very similar situation, 28 been single for four years and never had a real girlfriend, small social circle and nobody available at work or at my gaming club (not really a girl thing to be honest). but yeah it seems perseverance is the key and make sure you try new options and as many options as you can. Link to post Share on other sites
Author James1111 Posted March 31, 2014 Author Share Posted March 31, 2014 Noproblem: Thanks for your words and advise, you are very kind. Teraskas: Our situations do indeed sound similar. On the increasingly sparse occations I get to hang out with my friends I feel like im being carried just out of pity. And as to the dating part I can't say. Sometimes I talk with my best friend's girlfriend and she is a nice girl and all, she listens to me but it seems to me that my lack of confidence or assertiveness so to speak, annoys her (and probably all women). Im not saying this is your case but from what I've learned from her, if they seem scared or unsure it's probably just their way of not wanting to knock you off directly. Donnivain: Yeah, probably I am depressed. And thanks for the suggestion, but I went to counseling for 3 years, and altough it did help me, one can't argue with the results. Facing rejection time and again just simply takes something out of you. Lyn_77 and whirl3daway: You are right, it is important to be able to live an independent life. And for a time I considered the notion, but in all honesty i never got any incentive to actually do so. As far as I am from any kind of relationship, moving out would be the same thing,the only difference being that when i got back home every day only emptiness would be waiting (And thanks for understanding mr_dave) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Teraskas Posted April 1, 2014 Share Posted April 1, 2014 Teraskas: Our situations do indeed sound similar. On the increasingly sparse occations I get to hang out with my friends I feel like im being carried just out of pity. And as to the dating part I can't say. Sometimes I talk with my best friend's girlfriend and she is a nice girl and all, she listens to me but it seems to me that my lack of confidence or assertiveness so to speak, annoys her (and probably all women). Im not saying this is your case but from what I've learned from her, if they seem scared or unsure it's probably just their way of not wanting to knock you off directly. None taken. If anything, my confidence is more than doing fine atm given how I've worked on myself in those 2 years. The thing is I've always encountered the following: - Women who JUST got out of a relationship and are already dating without taking the time to heal and thus wasting the time of those who are genuinely searching. - The 'no spark' argument. - Women dropping off the face off the earth. - Being stood up plenty of times on dates. - Women who don't know what they want / what they're looking for. - Ridiculous standards which doesn't make me surprised that a lot of women are still single. Yet, I cannot seem to find a woman looking for commitment. Seems they're only interested in 'fun' and 'friends'. The door to commitment is more than open on my end, but they are never interested in that, lol. Link to post Share on other sites
organizedchaos Posted April 1, 2014 Share Posted April 1, 2014 None taken. If anything, my confidence is more than doing fine atm given how I've worked on myself in those 2 years. The thing is I've always encountered the following: - Women who JUST got out of a relationship and are already dating without taking the time to heal and thus wasting the time of those who are genuinely searching. - The 'no spark' argument. - Women dropping off the face off the earth. - Being stood up plenty of times on dates. - Women who don't know what they want / what they're looking for. - Ridiculous standards which doesn't make me surprised that a lot of women are still single. Yet, I cannot seem to find a woman looking for commitment. Seems they're only interested in 'fun' and 'friends'. The door to commitment is more than open on my end, but they are never interested in that, lol. I'm not generalizing an entire group, but it think the problems you're finding, and lack of girls willing to commit is also due to your age. I think most girls your age are just looking for some fun. Not all. But that will change as you get older. In the meantime, just focus on you and it'll happen eventually. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hasaquestion Posted April 1, 2014 Share Posted April 1, 2014 Well, last time I checked housing isn't exactly cheap, despite being in a recession atm. Secondly, have women really become THIS shallow in today's society ? Seems to me that an individual's status is being measured more and more by his possessions rather than relationship-minded qualities... Its not shallow, its just decision making. Teraskas you seem like a good guy but I've read a lot of your posts and I don't think you're thinking about things in a constructive way. To describe why I don't think this is shallow, lets use an analogy here. --- Imagine a game with cards. Everything there is to know about you is on your cards. You are sitting across from someone - but you can't see them, only the cards on the table. All of your cards and all of their cards are on the table: face down. Now you start playing. Each turn you flip over a card. Then they flip over a card. And on each turn, each player has to make a decision. Do I keep playing? Or do I fold and play with someone else? --- Lets pretend you are playing this game, which is kind of like a discrete model of dating, with "turns" of exchanging information instead of continuous "play". The first card you flip is "I spent 10 years in jail". Now, the other person doesn't know ANYTHING else about you. If they were to see the rest of the cards you have face down, they would see "I was wrongly framed for murder", "I organize the biggest blood drive in western Pennsylvania", "I am loved in my Protestant community", "I make a great Paella", etc. But they don't. The decision they have to make is - what is the smart play?? --- Not having your own place, even if its an apartment you share with others, is a strike against you. But more importantly, its a strike at a time when the other party has little information. Do they keep playing the game with you? They don't know that you are the sweetest guy in the universe, give great back massages, or that you like the same kind of movies. All they know is that you're a guy who doesn't have a place to come back to. You could be a nice guy who just doesn't have his own apartment. But you could very well be a jerk who doesn't have his own apartment. There's equally good odds, from their vantage point of incomplete information, that the guy with the apartment is nice. Its not shallow. And the first step in changing things is to stop blaming and start understanding. Link to post Share on other sites
Teraskas Posted April 1, 2014 Share Posted April 1, 2014 I'm not generalizing an entire group, but it think the problems you're finding, and lack of girls willing to commit is also due to your age. I think most girls your age are just looking for some fun. Not all. But that will change as you get older. In the meantime, just focus on you and it'll happen eventually. True that, seems that the 'party type' is all around us. Hopefully this will change as I get older, but I honestly doubt it, lol. ^^ Link to post Share on other sites
Teraskas Posted April 1, 2014 Share Posted April 1, 2014 Its not shallow, its just decision making. Teraskas you seem like a good guy but I've read a lot of your posts and I don't think you're thinking about things in a constructive way. To describe why I don't think this is shallow, lets use an analogy here. --- Imagine a game with cards. Everything there is to know about you is on your cards. You are sitting across from someone - but you can't see them, only the cards on the table. All of your cards and all of their cards are on the table: face down. Now you start playing. Each turn you flip over a card. Then they flip over a card. And on each turn, each player has to make a decision. Do I keep playing? Or do I fold and play with someone else? --- Lets pretend you are playing this game, which is kind of like a discrete model of dating, with "turns" of exchanging information instead of continuous "play". The first card you flip is "I spent 10 years in jail". Now, the other person doesn't know ANYTHING else about you. If they were to see the rest of the cards you have face down, they would see "I was wrongly framed for murder", "I organize the biggest blood drive in western Pennsylvania", "I am loved in my Protestant community", "I make a great Paella", etc. But they don't. The decision they have to make is - what is the smart play?? --- Not having your own place, even if its an apartment you share with others, is a strike against you. But more importantly, its a strike at a time when the other party has little information. Do they keep playing the game with you? They don't know that you are the sweetest guy in the universe, give great back massages, or that you like the same kind of movies. All they know is that you're a guy who doesn't have a place to come back to. You could be a nice guy who just doesn't have his own apartment. But you could very well be a jerk who doesn't have his own apartment. There's equally good odds, from their vantage point of incomplete information, that the guy with the apartment is nice. Its not shallow. And the first step in changing things is to stop blaming and start understanding. Hmm, in retrospect and with the provided analogy, you do have a point and I'm seeing how one affects the other. Then again I'm not one for card games and highly doubt I'll spend my days in a retirement home doing just that. But truth told, I don't think one should be judged so harshly for not having their own place yet. Especially considering most 6 out of the 8 women were still students. Even though only 1 had her own place. She was 20 years old and moved out 2 years ago when her dad unexpectedly died. Oh well, only so much I can do atm. Still saving up to afford the ridiculous prices. Personal car already took a chunk out of that recently, hehe. Link to post Share on other sites
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