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What response would you prefer from someone who isn't interested online?


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I really hate turning people down, but of course, we all have to do it sometimes. My question is, online, how would you prefer to be turned down? If you write a message and the person just isn't interested, would you prefer he/she:

 

a) just doesn't respond

b) responds with a variation of "thanks, but I'm not interested/don't think we'd be a match"

c) responds, but only to answer your question (s), no questions back

d) offers a white lie, ie, a variation of "I'm currently pursuing things with someone else right now"

e) other?

Edited by kodakgirl
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I prefer silence. No need to waste time saying anything, it's pointless.

 

I'd like to think I'm smart enough to know that no response equals lack of interest and not silly enough to ask why they looked at my profile but didn't say anything.

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Standard-Fare

You don't owe ANYTHING to a stranger from the Internet. Silence is easiest. It's the universally understood code of "No thanks."

 

If the person took a lot of time to send you a very heartfelt, personal message, you might be tempted to say something, but since it would only be rejection anyway, why rub salt in the wounds?

 

The only time I end up speaking up is the person gets in my face a few times. In that case I usually end up pointing to the very clear reason I'm not interested, which is usually that they violate some explicit dealbreakers I laid out in my profile. "I listed my age range from __ and ___, and you exceed that by 7 years. It's just not what I'm looking for right now and I'm sure of that. Sorry about that." Or, "Your profile says you're into non-monogamous relationships. I'm not. Doesn't sound like a match. Sorry about that." If anything continues after that, it's time to block.

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I prefer no response at all. :)

To me it's a clear sign of no interest

 

I'm on a pretty small UK site with a forum and this comes up as a problem over and over.

Around 40% of the men who post in the forums on those label a woman as 'ignorant' if she doesn't send a reply. A few also said that a 'no thanks' was a conversation starter.

 

I try to be careful whenever I do choose to respond.as from my experience it's the older men (48-70 age group pretty much) who come back with abusive messages to my 'Thanks for the mail but sorry, you're not my type. Good luck on here. :)'.

In response to that mail I have had slurs upon both of my parents (who are no longer alive) and been called a whore, fake, fat ( I'm a UK size 8!), ugly, lacking in intelligence, been told I will always be alone and never meet anyone and have been informed that they have reported me for offensive behaviour and will soon be removed from the site.

 

I will be interested on here to see what kind of a reply is a good one that doesn't provoke mails like that.

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Seeing as I got rejected (again) today, I feel eminently qualified to answer this question. :p

 

I received a response back from her along the lines of 'Hi! Sorry, but you're not the kind of person I'm looking for. Regardless, good luck with your search.'

 

Truth told, I would have preferred some form of feedback, or even reason why I'm not good enough, despite having my stuff together.

Guess I don't look enough like someone who just got out of prison or would've gotten the 'too young' argument.

Edited by Teraskas
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I prefer to be told that he doesn't think we're a good fit or he's not interested.

 

Case in point, I just wrote to a man that I have looked at so many times. He seems like a terrific fit for me on paper, but logs in very rarely and has lots of traits that I love but that many people see as negatives- a bit overweight, bald, smokes cigars, politics like mine (rare where I live), middle class rather than high-bling. Since some men have said I intimidate them, or apologize for not being fit "enough," that they're trying to lose weight, etc., there's a chance this guy might feel the same. This guy has been my favorite on the site for months. If I'm going to get shot down, I'd prefer that it be very clear.

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Thanks for the feedback! I prefer silence myself, and I have no problem receiving it (I mean, I do usually think darn, too bad, but that's it). I feel bad giving it, though, especially when it's a very nice message that the guy clearly put some thought into. I recently re-did my profile-- it is very sweet and very genuine, and I have been getting a lot of very sweet and very genuine messages that I feel awful just ignoring. Seriously, a lot of these fellows are ending with something like, "even if you don't respond, I sincerely hope you find what you are looking for, I am rooting for you". I try to be open-minded but a lot of people just don't interest me at all. I feel terrible disappointing people but I'd feel worse leading them on. I've been mostly saying a thank you for the sweet message but leaving it there... except then they almost always write again anyways, and we're back where we started.

 

I do understand the desire to know why someone didn't feel interested--honestly sometimes I am baffled that certain people don't write me back. But I also accept it's hard to know what does it for someone--I don't think anyone would be able to guess my ideal "type" from just a self-description of me. I am reluctant though to tell someone why, unless it's really straightforward (you are old enough to be my dad, you smoke, you aren't into monogamy). Usually it isn't anything straightforward. Sometimes it's just I don't think I could find them attractive-- I'd never tell anyone that.

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i prefer a response but that is just my style i guess, it just seems bad manners to not get a response to a message or maybe that is just me and my slightly old-school ways.

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Depending on the frequency in which I see them and how local they are. I sometimes follow up a week or two later if they haven't answered me the first time.

 

Sometimes women get bombarded with so many emails, initial emails can get overlooked. :)

 

 

I prefer to be told that he doesn't think we're a good fit or he's not interested.

 

Case in point, I just wrote to a man that I have looked at so many times. He seems like a terrific fit for me on paper, but logs in very rarely and has lots of traits that I love but that many people see as negatives- a bit overweight, bald, smokes cigars, politics like mine (rare where I live), middle class rather than high-bling. Since some men have said I intimidate them, or apologize for not being fit "enough," that they're trying to lose weight, etc., there's a chance this guy might feel the same. This guy has been my favorite on the site for months. If I'm going to get shot down, I'd prefer that it be very clear.

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Depending on the frequency in which I see them and how local they are. I sometimes follow up a week or two later if they haven't answered me the first time.

 

Sometimes women get bombarded with so many emails, initial emails can get overlooked. :)

 

No, women dont over look or just forget if they're trying to find someone to be with, if they dont reply its because of no interest.

 

Any guy that's ever followed up with me weeks later even if I have given a reply of no thanks, reaks of desperation and it can be creepy.

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Sweetnothing

Silence. If I ever do send a message to a guy first which I usually don't it's because they stand out more than anyone else on the site. If they respond back with a rejection I'm gonna get my hopes up seeing their response in my inbox only to be crushed when I read it. No reply, no emotional investment at all. You can just assume he was a jerk lol

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Sweetnothing
No, women dont over look or just forget if they're trying to find someone to be with, if they dont reply its because of no interest.

 

Any guy that's ever followed up with me weeks later even if I have given a reply of no thanks, reaks of desperation and it can be creepy.

 

Exactly. Women get bombarded with messages, but it's usually from a ton of guys we're NOT interested in. I don't ever find myself saying "wow I like all these guys I have no idea who to reply to". I'm generally very underwhelmed with the messages I get. I don't even have an online dating profile anymore cos after months of getting tons of messages from guys who seem as though they haven't even read anything I wrote and are clearly not compatible in any facet of my life, I got so frustrated I decided to take a break.

 

Sometimes I would get messages months later from guys I never even replied to and it was bothersome and desperate.

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Frank2thepoint
My question is, online, how would you prefer to be turned down?

 

Haven't done online dating in years, but this topic also applies to even text messages for me. I prefer a message. But it has to be direct like "sorry we're not a good match" is good. But I'd be really happy with something curt like "f*ck off". At least I'd get a good laugh.

 

 

Thanks for the feedback! I prefer silence myself, and I have no problem receiving it (I mean, I do usually think darn, too bad, but that's it). I feel bad giving it, though, especially when it's a very nice message that the guy clearly put some thought into. I recently re-did my profile-- it is very sweet and very genuine, and I have been getting a lot of very sweet and very genuine messages that I feel awful just ignoring. Seriously, a lot of these fellows are ending with something like, "even if you don't respond, I sincerely hope you find what you are looking for, I am rooting for you". I try to be open-minded but a lot of people just don't interest me at all. I feel terrible disappointing people but I'd feel worse leading them on. I've been mostly saying a thank you for the sweet message but leaving it there... except then they almost always write again anyways, and we're back where we started.

 

I do understand the desire to know why someone didn't feel interested--honestly sometimes I am baffled that certain people don't write me back. But I also accept it's hard to know what does it for someone--I don't think anyone would be able to guess my ideal "type" from just a self-description of me. I am reluctant though to tell someone why, unless it's really straightforward (you are old enough to be my dad, you smoke, you aren't into monogamy). Usually it isn't anything straightforward. Sometimes it's just I don't think I could find them attractive-- I'd never tell anyone that.

 

This is a stab in the dark, but those two statements contradict each other. Most people feel frustrated when the other person doesn't respond. Yes with experience, you learn that no response means no interest, but it still leaves a person frustrated and drained. There is an emotional toll because someone placed effort into the chase, and with no direct response (notice I said direct as in straight-to-the-point, not beating around the bush), the person may feel that for future endeavors, there is no point in putting much effort because most likely nothing will come of it. Well this is how I feel anyway.

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thecrucible

I think if it's an initial message, I prefer no response as an answer. I think though that if you're in the middle of talking and have shared a few messages, then it's good to issue a polite rejection. I think it's rude to be too honest about why you're rejecting someone but I wouldn't be comfortable just fading out on someone after we've exchanged a few messages already. This is why I think people should try to get to a date quickly 'cause then you have your answer and nobody's wasting anyone's time.

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I think it's interesting how many people think silence and withdrawal is a good idea. You can get away with silence on the internet. Genuine human interaction typically requires that you make a statement, anything at all, even through other forms of non-verbal communication.

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I think it's interesting how many people think silence and withdrawal is a good idea. You can get away with silence on the internet. Genuine human interaction typically requires that you make a statement, anything at all, even through other forms of non-verbal communication.

I think the difference is that in real life the non-verbal cues would discourage that person from approaching or like you mention above, the indirect response would shut them off before they asked anything concrete.

 

I think very few men walk up to strangers the same way that they message strangers online, otherwise they wouldn't bother with OLD.

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You're probably right. It'll take forever for people to list what they find uninteresting. So there's no alternative way to give out those cues through what's essentially an online classified advertisement.

 

Maybe those who rely on dating sites don't quite understand how to interact with people other? Just as you've said - If people knew how to approach strangers, they wouldn't bother with online dating in the first place, now would they?

 

I approach strangers all the time. I ask them questions, become acquainted with them, and stay in touch if I appreciate them. I guarantee I would never accomplish any of that if I've spoke to them in the same manner as an IM conversation.

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Maybe those who rely on dating sites don't quite understand how to interact with people other?

This is why often many prefer not to respond. What you get in return is abuse - sometimes. Very very weird from a complete stranger.

 

I'm not a fan of OLD and I think most people use it as a last resort (don't have the right social circle for dating, have kids so can't go out much, etc) and it shows.

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Silence is safest and easiest. No point giving anyone false hope. I mean, you might be the first woman who's bothered to even write them back at all, even if it is negative. Then they might keep trying. Silence. Silence is golden.

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This is a stab in the dark, but those two statements contradict each other. Most people feel frustrated when the other person doesn't respond. Yes with experience, you learn that no response means no interest, but it still leaves a person frustrated and drained. There is an emotional toll because someone placed effort into the chase, and with no direct response (notice I said direct as in straight-to-the-point, not beating around the bush), the person may feel that for future endeavors, there is no point in putting much effort because most likely nothing will come of it. Well this is how I feel anyway.

 

I see what you mean, although I don't feel I contradicted myself per se. I myself am fine with getting no response, or a polite no-question response. I might feel a momentary disappointment and wonder why, but it isn't any kind of big deal. I realize not everyone is everyone else's cup of tea, and someone else's non-interest probably isn't a reflection of how much of a 'catch' I am, how attractive I am, how good my profile and/or messages are, or whether or not I'll ever find someone. But I am pretty empathetic and sensitive to the feelings of others, so I can understand that some people might not shrug it off so easily, even if I can.

 

The rest of what you say is just what I feel worried about. I hate thinking I've played any role in someone's disappointment or frustration. I don't want them to be discouraged by my own non-interest, and I don't want them to feel they did anything wrong in writing a nice, thoughtful message and stop doing it for other women. I really, really hate rejecting nice, genuine guys. But at the same time, of course it's inevitable, because nice and genuine are only the beginning of what I want in a partner. I don't want to lead someone on because I'm trying to be nice (I did it once or twice when I was a teenager and very naive, and I still feel bad).

 

I guess writing a very appealing profile is sort of a double-edged sword. I am getting more messages than I ever have, and a much higher percentage of good messages... but of course the number of people I am actually interested in has remained the same. So I have to reject more and I absolutely hate it. I don't enjoy the "ego boost" at all. I feel for these people. It hasn't even been a week and I feel I might just close my profile for a bit so I can stop feeling bad.

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I prefer silence. If someone has put a lot of effort into personalised message then I'll reply even if the profile doesn't appeal to me so much. But otherwise silence is a simple answer.

 

I don't enjoy putting people down and I don't think a "hi" warrants thorough analysis why I'm not attracted to the person. People probably don't appreciate opening new message to find a "thanks I'm not interested".

 

Someone compared online dating messages to smiling across the room in real life - if the person doesn't reciprocate then you don't move further.

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