I don't want to 'have fun' I want something serious

[nebulae]

I know what I want and I hate wasting time. I invest emotionally very quickly and it's impossible for me not to if I like someone. Whenever I'm messaging a guy online, i'm not interested in mundane 'what did you do today,' type questions. I'm a deep person. I want and need emotional security. I want to ask deep, serious questions that won't scare men away. I want to be able to mention marriage and children without scaring someone off. I hate that dating is so casual and aimless and 'go with the flow' I'm not that type of laid-back person and never will be. I know what I'm looking for, I have a goal to find my husband, and that's it. I don't want to make friends or wait for a casual relationship to turn into commitment when a guy finally decides he might as well put a ring on it. How do I find someone who is as passionate as I am about commitment/marriage?

[d0nnivain]

It's doubtful you will find it on line. OLD is too superficial. If you must use OLD, put it out there. Say you want to talk about life, philosophy, religion & the meaning of the universe not what was on TMZ yesterday. You may get few replies but at least you will have less garbage to wade through.

 

 

I'd tell friends & family you are open to meeting new people. Let them fix you up. You never know who knows who.

 

 

Try a match making service.

 

 

That said, before you can get to the deep stuff you have to some of the superficial getting to know you, how was your day kind of stuff. Don't knock fun because it can be wonderful to have fun being silly with your SO.

[thinkingofhim]

There are lots of men that want serious relationships, but no one wants a serious relationship right off the bat on a dating site. Why do you want to get into a serious relationship with a man you don't even know?

 

The first few dates are always casual. They have to be, because you're just getting to know each other. You might not be compatible.

[GoreSP]

There are lots of men that want serious relationships, but no one wants a serious relationship right off the bat on a dating site. Why do you want to get into a serious relationship with a man you don't even know?

 

The first few dates are always casual. They have to be, because you're just getting to know each other. You might not be compatible.

 

I agree with this. Also, chances are you'll date a few people before finding 'the right one' so date, have fun, take it easy.

Don't invest yourself emotionally too quickly at first. Let thinks happen.

[hasaquestion]

Sounds like you and Mr. Turk are meant for one another.

[Woggle]

Why does fun have to go out the window when you have something serious? You don't make it sound very appealing.

[GoreSP]

Why does fun have to go out the window when you have something serious? You don't make it sound very appealing.

 

I think he means casual sex...

[nebulae]

Fun to me is another word for sex with no serious intentions

[GoreSP]

Fun to me is another word for sex with no serious intentions

 

Fun is fun (is fun is fun)

My head hurts.

[reshmi]

I appreciate your situation. However you should consider re-thinking about your stance. When you talk about serious commitment, and marriage and future, you should think about time spent with that person. which will include fun, general cheer, and light-hearted topics. It is not possible that you meet your S.O. after a long day's work and talk about the origin of the universe. You'd definitely start with 'How was your day?'. It is important for you to re-think about commitment and not have a clouded view about it, that includes all seriousness.

[Chubbi]

The best/easiest way to talk about serious things is to ask the guy about his family. It seems innocuous but it actually is very intimate. Start with "do you have brothers/sisters?" "Where is your mother? How is she?"

 

Once his mother or father have come up, ask a lot of questions. Do not let him turn the conversation back to you. Probe him about his relationship with them, or lack of relationship. If he says, what about yours, say a quip and then ask him more about his mother. What are her hobbies/interests? When was the last time he spoke to her? How is his relationship with his father? What does his father think of him right now? What does he think of his father? What does he think of the relationship between his father and mother?

 

This is very intimate for most people, but it can kinda seem just like you're getting to know them but really it is very telling of a person and personal, depending on how they talk about their family.

 

The conversation will become very serious. People will always think it is a good conversation as long as you don't judge them; this is an easy way to gain trust. After you get him talking about his mother, men will become more comfortable about you asking about how many children, what they think about marriage, etc.

 

People have a lot to say about their family.

Remember it's okay to let a guy talk.

If you want to talk about serious things, follow-up with questions. Do not let him joke it off; stand and ask him again. Then wait. There's always more to the story.

Edited March 14, 2014 by Chubbi

[d0nnivain]

As I understood the OP's post & dilemma, the OP is not looking to just date casually & only have sex with someone outside of an exclusive loving relationship.

 

 

The OP can't of course jump straight into that but the OP is entitled to seek out like minded people.

[pickflicker]

It's doubtful you will find it on line. OLD is too superficial. If you must use OLD, put it out there. Say you want to talk about life, philosophy, religion & the meaning of the universe not what was on TMZ yesterday. You may get few replies but at least you will have less garbage to wade through.

 

 

I'd tell friends & family you are open to meeting new people. Let them fix you up. You never know who knows who.

 

 

Try a match making service.

 

 

That said, before you can get to the deep stuff you have to some of the superficial getting to know you, how was your day kind of stuff. Don't knock fun because it can be wonderful to have fun being silly with your SO.

 

It's doubtful she'll find that anywhere. If she's this emotionally insecure, she needs another equally emotionally insecure guy. Those guys never approach women.

 

You can't put the cart before the horse. You have to date. You have to have the fun, and the superficial, before you get to the deep stuff.

[pickflicker]

Fun to me is another word for sex with no serious intentions

 

There's more to fun than that.

 

You're playing a very dangerous game, OP. You want to be married for the sake being married. That's a one way ticket to an unhappy marriage and messy divorce.

[Disillusioned]

Here here... no need to knock the OP down and kick him unconscious. He just needs to be pointed in the right direction.

 

BTW do they have meetup dot com in the UK too?

[Teraskas]

I'm of like mind.

Seems that in this day and age, women I encounter are only interested in 'having fun', and are too scared to admit that they would be interested in something more substantial such as a relationship.

It's as if they're from the mindset of "I'm too scared to commit to something more, because then I can't keep doing the things I enjoyed in my single life.

Thus I have no interest in anything serious."

[pickflicker]

I'm of like mind.

Seems that in this day and age, women I encounter are only interested in 'having fun', and are too scared to admit that they would be interested in something more substantial such as a relationship.

It's as if they're from the mindset of "I'm too scared to commit to something more, because then I can't keep doing the things I enjoyed in my single life.

Thus I have no interest in anything serious."

 

You, like the OP, need to ask yourself, do you want a relationship with the right person, or do you want a relationship for the sake of it?

[Teraskas]

You, like the OP, need to ask yourself, do you want a relationship with the right person, or do you want a relationship for the sake of it?

 

Well, obviously with the right person, otherwise there's no point to it imo.

I mean, for instance: I have rejected around 3 women who didn't meet my basic requirements.

2 out of 3 were unable to form a coherent sentence in both Dutch and English as well as keep a conversation going, despite my efforts.

The last one told me that she did smoke while her profile stated that she clearly didn't.

 

With regards to my previous post: I've been noticing this kind of behaviour a lot.

My cousin told her that a lot of her female friends in their mid to late 20s are also in that specific mindset.

 

The thing is, I just innately feel that women judge me for having been single for 2 years now.

They assume I don't do anything. don't talk to anyone, and yet one day someone will mysteriously drop out of the sky.

Much like trying to get hired for a job, when they've concluded that something must be wrong with you for having stayed out of the loop for an extended period of time, despite my efforts of securing something.

Edited March 15, 2014 by Teraskas

[irc333]

Right. We're judged on our "gap" in dating just like "gaps" in unemployment. In fact, I knew of a posted job that clearly stated that , "Those currently not employed, need not apply".

 

They were looking for applicants that were CURRENTLY employed. It got out to the press and they immediately back peddled. LOL

 

But anyhow, I get woman wondering why such a wonderful guy like me is still single, but ironically the women who think this of me are the same kind of women that won't date me.

 

The conversations I had with my female friends, they've been married twice until they realized they found "the one".

 

To be honest, I don't think living the senario of 2 divorces before finding "the one" is all that desirable to me. But it seems to be the norm to go through failed marriages to discover this and I'm the odd ball for not having been through failed marriages or relationships.

 

Recently I came close to dating a woman, but she only wanted a FWB and nothing more...I tried to talk her into us dating. She said I was a great guy, but she thought we didn't have a lot in common. (ie - hobbies and other extracurricular interests).

 

She said she kind of made fun of the geeks into Sci-Fi stuff. lol She was more into feminine "foo-foo" things.

 

She was very attractive, but she thought I was just this sweet guy to be her companion and a good listener, and I think she felt it some kind of reward to share her body with me for being such a good "companion".

 

Some guys would've jumped right on that..that ANY sex (for whatever reason) was a reason to take advantage of someone who was willing to give it away freely as such a reward.

 

I did not. For one, I think I would've become too attached to her if I did and would probably want to see her constantly. That is, of course, until she found an actual boyfriend.

 

But some men will jump into relationships with women for the "sake of having one, FOR the sake of getting routine sex, too."

 

 

 

Well, obviously with the right person, otherwise there's no point to it imo.

I mean, for instance: I have rejected around 3 women who didn't meet my basic requirements.

2 out of 3 were unable to form a coherent sentence in both Dutch and English as well as keep a conversation going, despite my efforts.

The last one told me that she did smoke while her profile stated that she clearly didn't.

 

With regards to my previous post: I've been noticing this kind of behaviour a lot.

My cousin told her that a lot of her female friends in their mid to late 20s are also in that specific mindset.

 

The thing is, I just innately feel that women judge me for having been single for 2 years now.

They assume I don't do anything. don't talk to anyone, and yet one day someone will mysteriously drop out of the sky.

Much like trying to get hired for a job, when they've concluded that something must be wrong with you for having stayed out of the loop for an extended period of time, despite my efforts of securing something.

[Teraskas]

Recently I came close to dating a woman, but she only wanted a FWB and nothing more...I tried to talk her into us dating. She said I was a great guy, but she thought we didn't have a lot in common. (ie - hobbies and other extracurricular interests).

 

She said she kind of made fun of the geeks into Sci-Fi stuff. lol She was more into feminine "foo-foo" things.

 

She was very attractive, but she thought I was just this sweet guy to be her companion and a good listener, and I think she felt it some kind of reward to share her body with me for being such a good "companion".

 

Some guys would've jumped right on that..that ANY sex (for whatever reason) was a reason to take advantage of someone who was willing to give it away freely as such a reward.

 

I did not. For one, I think I would've become too attached to her if I did and would probably want to see her constantly. That is, of course, until she found an actual boyfriend.

 

But some men will jump into relationships with women for the "sake of having one, FOR the sake of getting routine sex, too."

 

Exactly.

I'm of like mind, not really the kind of guy who jumps at anything that even remotely breathes for a chance at sex.

If I do feel inclined to do so, it's either when in a committed relationship with someone or someone with whom I really feel an emotional connection.

 

I mean, in your case she looked great and only wanted to be FWB.

I'm seeing this kind of stuff a lot more these days.

Women are willing to 'put it out', yet they shy away from anything close to committment ? Le sigh lol.

 

I'm not the type of guy who INSTANTLY jumps into relationships without any thought.

If I'm willing to do so, it must be because she's an excellent match with similar interests, etc.

In my case it's not necessarily the case of 'having ANY relationship' that troubles me, it's rather the 'Continuously putting myself out there, getting shot down all the time, women offering ONS and all that yet not ONE who is interested in commitment'. :S

Edited March 15, 2014 by Teraskas

[ThomasD]

Both relationships, and commitment, take time, acquaintance, and in-person interaction to develop. I have to agree with the observation that it sounds like you are wanting marriage for the sake of marriage, in the hopes that lasting commitment will develop from it. In some cultures that actually happens with arranged and brokered marriages, but I don't think it's the norm, nor the way people naturally act.

[shet]

You need only go back one or two generations. "Courting" used to involve the tacit acknowledgement that you were meeting exclusively to test potential for a relationship. It's only very recently that people have accepted ideas like "asking for exclusivity" and having conversations about "what this is". I get that this is what you want for yourself.

 

The key though, is that even then, dating involved small talk and laughs. You can't jump in with stories about your parents and life philosophies from the word go with anyone, new friends, coworkers, anyone. Frivolities have to be exchanged to establish rapport.

 

I am similar. But I have to operate in this modern world where people sleep around, multi date and have seemingly neverending relationships with those they call their exes. It's the price of doing business today. What am I going to do, write everyone off and live in the woods?

 

Come to terms with it. If you and I met we would quickly establish who each other were in this regard. You can meet someone like that, there's plenty of them. You're just going to have to play the game and wait.

[Disillusioned]

I must be anhedonic or something, because the whole "fun" thing as I understand it is made to appeal to pleasure-centered people.

 

I was in a store yesterday and I saw bags of candy that said "FUN size"... I thought, how silly, there's no way you can fit a swingin' party into that little bag of candy.

 

AFAIC, FUN is for kids and dopers.

[hasaquestion]

I must be anhedonic or something, because the whole "fun" thing as I understand it is made to appeal to pleasure-centered people.

 

I was in a store yesterday and I saw bags of candy that said "FUN size"... I thought, how silly, there's no way you can fit a swingin' party into that little bag of candy.

 

AFAIC, FUN is for kids and dopers.

 

Or for people who try to live a little.

 

Why would someone willingly date/be with someone who is no fun? Might as well stay single and keep the money.

[MissBee]

I know what I want and I hate wasting time. I invest emotionally very quickly and it's impossible for me not to if I like someone. Whenever I'm messaging a guy online, i'm not interested in mundane 'what did you do today,' type questions. I'm a deep person. I want and need emotional security. I want to ask deep, serious questions that won't scare men away. I want to be able to mention marriage and children without scaring someone off. I hate that dating is so casual and aimless and 'go with the flow' I'm not that type of laid-back person and never will be. I know what I'm looking for, I have a goal to find my husband, and that's it. I don't want to make friends or wait for a casual relationship to turn into commitment when a guy finally decides he might as well put a ring on it. How do I find someone who is as passionate as I am about commitment/marriage?

 

I am the same, except that I think you have to check yourself in terms of your emotional investment. Investing too quickly and being hellbent on finding "a husband" or "the one" can make you blind to certain things or fastforward a relationship to being "serious" or "deep" before it's actually ready or when it maybe should never get serious. That was one thing I learned. I dated with a purpose, but I also realized that liking someone a lot doesn't mean you have to invest quickly. You still need to pace yourself.

 

In any case, I currently have a boyfriend who his purpose in dating was the same as mine (we met online as well). There wasn't really any formula to finding that. The formula was just knowing what I wanted and what I would not deal with and screening guys based on that. I was online for maybe 6 weeks or so and got tons of messages but only went on two dates, one with another guy, the other with my current bf. In the past I would have casually gone out with these other men "just to see", but this time I knew exactly what I didn't want and what I did and if a man didn't pass those requirements I didn't bother.

 

Short of it is: there is no special place or way to find what you're looking for. All you can do is know what you want and need and keep vetting people until someone catches your eyes. There are men out there who feel similarly but they aren't gonna be a dime a dozen like the men who don't....that also helped me, as I went into dating (OLD esp) knowing that 9/10 men would most likely not be it, helped me to not be as disappointed/frustrated and helped me to hold out for someone I felt was worth it.

Edited April 12, 2014 by MissBee