reshmi Posted March 13, 2014 Share Posted March 13, 2014 I'm a new grad searching for a job from the past 8 months. I'm enrolled in part time grad school, which makes it imperative for me to find a job. My professor from grad school praised me to be highly intelligent in class, advised me to go on to do PhD, and said he'd help me find my career. He offered me a job to be his research assistant but then discussed with my parents that it would involve me spending long time alone with him, and eventually found someone else to do it. Recently he offered me a full-time job with a wonderful company, great salary etc. And the next day, he phoned me to tell me he had a girlfriend he loved beyond words and had to split up because he is married; and now I am the only girl who helps him forget his ex girlfriend. He said he wants to hold my hand. I am not interested in a married man or any sort of relationship with him but I am desperate for a job, especially when the job he is offering is great. How do I deal with the situation? Should I take the job or not? Please help me. Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted March 13, 2014 Share Posted March 13, 2014 "Unwanted advances" fall under the umbrella of sexual harassment. Contact whoever you need to if you decide to take this position. You don't have to take the harassment if you want the job . 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author reshmi Posted March 13, 2014 Author Share Posted March 13, 2014 "Unwanted advances" fall under the umbrella of sexual harassment. Contact whoever you need to if you decide to take this position. You don't have to take the harassment if you want the job . Thank you for the insight. So I need not forgo the job? Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted March 14, 2014 Share Posted March 14, 2014 My advice only applies if you're in the US. First accept the job, then once it's official that you're hired, tell him that you do not appreciate his advances and ask him to keep your relationship strictly professional from now on. We have laws - and fear of lawsuits - that protect people from sexual harassment in the workplace. Most places of business take this very seriously. If possible, keep all of your interaction to emails or texts. Don't delete anything. Would he be your boss at your new job? Thank you for the insight. So I need not forgo the job? If you took the job, do you feel that you would owe him a sexual or romantic relationship? Do you think it would be expected of you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted March 14, 2014 Share Posted March 14, 2014 OP, do you live in India? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author reshmi Posted March 14, 2014 Author Share Posted March 14, 2014 My advice only applies if you're in the US. First accept the job, then once it's official that you're hired, tell him that you do not appreciate his advances and ask him to keep your relationship strictly professional from now on. We have laws - and fear of lawsuits - that protect people from sexual harassment in the workplace. Most places of business take this very seriously. If possible, keep all of your interaction to emails or texts. Don't delete anything. Would he be your boss at your new job? If you took the job, do you feel that you would owe him a sexual or romantic relationship? Do you think it would be expected of you? No, I am not based in USA. though we do have strict HR policies, the possibility of lawsuits and its fear are not that reliable. He texts and emails me, but ensured that this personal communication was done over the phone. Also he is extremely respected in the industry and he will be my boss if I accept the offer. I don't personally think I would owe him any personal relationship, but I'm worried if he will take it that away. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 14, 2014 Share Posted March 14, 2014 What you described would not be tolerated in the US. A professor discussing a student even with that student's parents is a violation of the student's privacy here. Where you are, it may be more normal because you didn't seem concerned by it. Since your parents know the professor, I would talk to them. I can't imagine any father would be happy about a married man hitting on his baby. Perhaps your parents can help you find the balance to allow you to keep the job but not be beholden to the professor. Your parents may also have more clout to get him in trouble with the university or may have money to get you a lawyer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author reshmi Posted March 14, 2014 Author Share Posted March 14, 2014 What you described would not be tolerated in the US. A professor discussing a student even with that student's parents is a violation of the student's privacy here. Where you are, it may be more normal because you didn't seem concerned by it. Since your parents know the professor, I would talk to them. I can't imagine any father would be happy about a married man hitting on his baby. Perhaps your parents can help you find the balance to allow you to keep the job but not be beholden to the professor. Your parents may also have more clout to get him in trouble with the university or may have money to get you a lawyer. Thank you for your comments. However as you said, where I'm from, if I tell my parents about the situation, they would freak out and be wary of sending me for any other opportunities too. So it is not a feasibe solution to me. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 14, 2014 Share Posted March 14, 2014 If you don't want to tell your parents, I would tell the professor thanks for the job opportunity but I'm not interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with a married man. I certainly hope the job wasn't contingent on me sleeping with you. If you can't be that blunt & you don't want to involve your family, I don't know what other options you have other than possibly trying to play a dangerous game where you make him think you are going along with being his GF but that's likely to get you raped & fired with bleak prospects for a different job if you get blackballed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted March 15, 2014 Share Posted March 15, 2014 Can you talk to a woman's shelter or a hotline for sexually harassed women? They may provide you with more helpful suggestions about the options that you have. We don't know where you are from or the laws/culture there, so they will likely be of better assistance. Link to post Share on other sites
Author reshmi Posted March 15, 2014 Author Share Posted March 15, 2014 thank you for your kind advice. I appreciate it and as you say, I think a blunt approach is what will help me the most. Thanks for giving me the confidence to go through this. Link to post Share on other sites
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