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'The hotter you are, the lonelier you are' is this correct?


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Hey guys,

 

Just wondering what you all think about this comment, as I've heard a few things recently on the radio about it, particularly a really good looking and ambitious fashion personality being single for most of her life because people never approached and/or assumed she was taken. Not to take this out of context at all, but I can't seem to help relating this to real life situations. Now in no way am I saying I am 'hot' and am too good for anyone, cause I know this is completely not the case. But I'm starting to get a little frustrated at my lack of 'dating action' as you'd like to call it. Let me give you guys some background info (yes I realise I'm still young);

 

- I'm 20 years old

- University student

- Around 6 2' w/athletic build and brown hair

- Confident, but in no way arrogant (I hate arrogance)

- I work out regularly and keep in shape; not to toot my own horn but I've been told loads of times that I'm 'very good looking' and generally attract alot of attention from women

- While studying at uni I've been working different jobs and am monetarily secure

- Am extremely ambitious; always looking for a new challenge and to learn something new and have lots of hobbies e.g. play guitar, football, reading, music, sports, also enlisted in the military reserve 1-2 years ago.

 

 

So basically, I feel as if I'm quite an ambitious person who loves a challenge and enjoys living life to the fullest, I feel within myself that I've achieved alot at a young age and hope to continue my ways. However, my dating action has been, honestly, little to none at all. I've never had a girlfriend, I've been on one - two dates before, I'm generally not very experienced sexually, I've made out with a few girls in clubs (which I'm not proud of in the slightest), but am still a virgin and want to lose that with a girlfriend. Overall, I believe I have alot going for me, as I stay true to myself and my mates and am also very loyal.. so what's with the lack of action? Is the whole 'the hotter you are, the lonelier you are thing true?'. Because I also have mates who are (I would assume), very attractive to women and also have alot going for themselves, yet they're bone dry of action and basically have been all throughout high school and uni. When comparing this to LEGIT dropkicks I know and dissassociate myself with, guys who basically cruise through life, doing nothing but bludging off the system, getting on the drink and or drugs who have always got a girl they're interested in and FOR SOME REASOn, the girl is interested in return. And I ask myself why? I'm not saying these blokes don't deserve love and affection, but yeah.

 

Thanks! It'd be great to hear your input and/or tips :)

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Hello_is_it_me

I don't know you but... there are so many variables to consider... Maybe you're boring, or annoying, or lack confidence, or are awkward... Who knows..? But by your post you seem pretty normal.

 

But see there's a problem with putting so much stock in looks. It's not the end-all to attraction. It should help quite a bit though.

 

Maybe you just need to take a bit more initiative? How many girls do you ask out a week?

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This whole "the hotter you are, the lonelier you are" is just total bs and you are using that as an excuse.

 

Honestly by the sounds of it you sound like smart guy but I cant help to think that you are lacking a little bit of masculinity. Yeah you play footy and you enlisted in the force but sometimes you need to appear a bit rough around the edges and you sound way too much like a safe bet.

 

Women don't think logically they think emotionally, just because you are successful and good looking doesn't mean they will be into you. That stuff is a bonus though. You need to be emotionally different to them.

 

You should not be ashamed of making out with a few girls in a club.

 

What do you do on dates?

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OP, in general, how would you characterize women's reactions to you? I'm not talking romantically, but in general. You say you attract a lot of attention from women. Could you expand upon that?

 

Do you have any female friends? Again, nothing romantic/sexual but just friends, like your mates? If you do, how does that go? What kind of feedback/reaction do you get from them?

 

As far as hotter = lonelier, that's individual. You may feel that way, and certainly those feelings are valid; they are unique to you and all the 'stuff' that makes up your life. You can certainly feel lonely even if you are immensely popular, a celebrity even, with people all around you clamoring for your attention. It's very individual and subjective, as are other's perceptions of you. That's why I asked about your female friends.

 

My bet is that you'll 'grow out of it' or your demographic will 'grow into you'. Sounds like, in general, you're on a healthy life path. IMO, keep doing what you do and see how it goes.

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Lernaean_Hydra

My theory is, the greater your advantage, so too is the greater your propensity for disadvantage or weakness. BUT, this does not translate to "the more lonely you'll be".

 

In my experience, the better looking you are, obviously the wider and more deep your dating pool will be, but along with that comes the algae and bacteria - i.e., the undesirables. Just like a very rich guy is more likely to have tons of women fawning all over him, a 9/10 woman will get approached/flirted with infinitely more than a 5/10. Yet the 5/10 is more likely to have people approaching with genuine interest rather than superficial reasons.

 

Frankly, only for really and truly (and I mean EXCEPTIONALLY) beautiful people would I ever consider the possibility that they're flat out NOT getting approached or finding mates because their looks "intimidate" people. An attractive person is going to generate interest. Hell, "intimiation" doesn't even faze half the population. They'll hit on you whether they think they have a chance or not.

 

Now, given that you're a good looking guy and not a girl, the issue is a bit different but not entirely. Many genuinely attractive guys will get lots of looks, special treatment and flirtation from women, but it STILL falls on them to approach/close the deal. Unless you're a rich celebrity, women are rarely going to be literally throwing themselves at you; no matter how good you look. Unless it's for purely sexual reasons and even that is only temporary.

 

I mean, other than your looks, what exactly do you bring to the table? Are you shy and expecting your looks to get you women? How are you conversation skills? What can you offer a woman (aside from a pretty face) to interest her in the long term? Women love an attractive guy, but not many will put up with someone who doesn't hold their interests in other respects for every long. No matter how "hot" the guy is.

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Hey guys,

 

Just wondering what you all think about this comment, as I've heard a few things recently on the radio about it, particularly a really good looking and ambitious fashion personality being single for most of her life because people never approached and/or assumed she was taken. Not to take this out of context at all, but I can't seem to help relating this to real life situations. Now in no way am I saying I am 'hot' and am too good for anyone, cause I know this is completely not the case. But I'm starting to get a little frustrated at my lack of 'dating action' as you'd like to call it. Let me give you guys some background info (yes I realise I'm still young);

 

- I'm 20 years old

- University student

- Around 6 2' w/athletic build and brown hair

- Confident, but in no way arrogant (I hate arrogance)

- I work out regularly and keep in shape; not to toot my own horn but I've been told loads of times that I'm 'very good looking' and generally attract alot of attention from women

- While studying at uni I've been working different jobs and am monetarily secure

- Am extremely ambitious; always looking for a new challenge and to learn something new and have lots of hobbies e.g. play guitar, football, reading, music, sports, also enlisted in the military reserve 1-2 years ago.

 

 

So basically, I feel as if I'm quite an ambitious person who loves a challenge and enjoys living life to the fullest, I feel within myself that I've achieved alot at a young age and hope to continue my ways. However, my dating action has been, honestly, little to none at all. I've never had a girlfriend, I've been on one - two dates before, I'm generally not very experienced sexually, I've made out with a few girls in clubs (which I'm not proud of in the slightest), but am still a virgin and want to lose that with a girlfriend. Overall, I believe I have alot going for me, as I stay true to myself and my mates and am also very loyal.. so what's with the lack of action? Is the whole 'the hotter you are, the lonelier you are thing true?'. Because I also have mates who are (I would assume), very attractive to women and also have alot going for themselves, yet they're bone dry of action and basically have been all throughout high school and uni. When comparing this to LEGIT dropkicks I know and dissassociate myself with, guys who basically cruise through life, doing nothing but bludging off the system, getting on the drink and or drugs who have always got a girl they're interested in and FOR SOME REASOn, the girl is interested in return. And I ask myself why? I'm not saying these blokes don't deserve love and affection, but yeah.

 

Thanks! It'd be great to hear your input and/or tips :)

 

 

The fact of the matter is OP, if you dont let it happen. It wont happen.

Women wont just come in your life by osmosis.

So go after what you want

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Incorrect. Approach women, be yourself, be confident, don't try to be whoever you are not to get their attention, you can do it OP. Good luck!

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No it's incorrect.

 

As for you personally, do you ever talk to girls? There are tips for dating all over the forum, do you have a specific question?

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there might be some truth to that statement. people overestimate how often attractive women/men are approached. many are actually very shy about their looks, or inwardly lack self-esteem despite how they appear. so, a hot guy/girl can end up fairly lonely. but often "hot" people know they are good-looking and the vibe they send out is one of arrogance/conceit/I'm too good for everyone, so people don't approach for that reason. it's a balancing act of sorts; if you're too good-looking you can't play it up too much or you do end up alone... people don't gravitate towards it. so if you're hot, be careful of how you present yourself

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I can imagine a lot of people wouldn't approach someone who is 'hot' thinking they are either out of their league or just not available.

 

But really, this can't be the only reason. generally, when someone is attracted, they will take the steps in making this attraction go somewhere - even if there is a risk of rejection.

 

I was just contacted online by a 22 year old (I'm 33). He had every reason to believe I wouldn't give him the time of day but he sent me an email anyways because he really had nothing to lose.

 

Stop being afraid of rejection and approach people you'll see things will change a lot.

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GorillaTheater

I suspect that far more people than we may think are lonely, and that it has nothing to do with looks, money, or even how many people may be around.

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I can imagine a lot of people wouldn't approach someone who is 'hot' thinking they are either out of their league or just not available.

 

But really, this can't be the only reason. generally, when someone is attracted, they will take the steps in making this attraction go somewhere - even if there is a risk of rejection.

 

I was just contacted online by a 22 year old (I'm 33). He had every reason to believe I wouldn't give him the time of day but he sent me an email anyways because he really had nothing to lose.

 

Stop being afraid of rejection and approach people you'll see things will change a lot.

 

Sorry sweetie, but you being 33 actually makes him out of your league. 33 is pretty old for a woman.

 

OP, I find that looks matter the most when doing online dating. If you're as good looking as you say, you should clean up there.

 

I'm certainly no GQ model, but I get whatever girl I want in real life...over extremely good looking guys. That is because of my game, which, as I said in other posts, is more important than looks when not doing OLD.

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I don't know you but... there are so many variables to consider... Maybe you're boring, or annoying, or lack confidence, or are awkward... Who knows..? But by your post you seem pretty normal.

 

But see there's a problem with putting so much stock in looks. It's not the end-all to attraction. It should help quite a bit though.

 

Maybe you just need to take a bit more initiative? How many girls do you ask out a week?

 

This whole "the hotter you are, the lonelier you are" is just total bs and you are using that as an excuse.

 

Honestly by the sounds of it you sound like smart guy but I cant help to think that you are lacking a little bit of masculinity. Yeah you play footy and you enlisted in the force but sometimes you need to appear a bit rough around the edges and you sound way too much like a safe bet.

 

Women don't think logically they think emotionally, just because you are successful and good looking doesn't mean they will be into you. That stuff is a bonus though. You need to be emotionally different to them.

 

You should not be ashamed of making out with a few girls in a club.

 

What do you do on dates?

 

OP, in general, how would you characterize women's reactions to you? I'm not talking romantically, but in general. You say you attract a lot of attention from women. Could you expand upon that?

 

Do you have any female friends? Again, nothing romantic/sexual but just friends, like your mates? If you do, how does that go? What kind of feedback/reaction do you get from them?

 

As far as hotter = lonelier, that's individual. You may feel that way, and certainly those feelings are valid; they are unique to you and all the 'stuff' that makes up your life. You can certainly feel lonely even if you are immensely popular, a celebrity even, with people all around you clamoring for your attention. It's very individual and subjective, as are other's perceptions of you. That's why I asked about your female friends.

 

My bet is that you'll 'grow out of it' or your demographic will 'grow into you'. Sounds like, in general, you're on a healthy life path. IMO, keep doing what you do and see how it goes.

 

My theory is, the greater your advantage, so too is the greater your propensity for disadvantage or weakness. BUT, this does not translate to "the more lonely you'll be".

 

In my experience, the better looking you are, obviously the wider and more deep your dating pool will be, but along with that comes the algae and bacteria - i.e., the undesirables. Just like a very rich guy is more likely to have tons of women fawning all over him, a 9/10 woman will get approached/flirted with infinitely more than a 5/10. Yet the 5/10 is more likely to have people approaching with genuine interest rather than superficial reasons.

 

Frankly, only for really and truly (and I mean EXCEPTIONALLY) beautiful people would I ever consider the possibility that they're flat out NOT getting approached or finding mates because their looks "intimidate" people. An attractive person is going to generate interest. Hell, "intimiation" doesn't even faze half the population. They'll hit on you whether they think they have a chance or not.

 

Now, given that you're a good looking guy and not a girl, the issue is a bit different but not entirely. Many genuinely attractive guys will get lots of looks, special treatment and flirtation from women, but it STILL falls on them to approach/close the deal. Unless you're a rich celebrity, women are rarely going to be literally throwing themselves at you; no matter how good you look. Unless it's for purely sexual reasons and even that is only temporary.

 

I mean, other than your looks, what exactly do you bring to the table? Are you shy and expecting your looks to get you women? How are you conversation skills? What can you offer a woman (aside from a pretty face) to interest her in the long term? Women love an attractive guy, but not many will put up with someone who doesn't hold their interests in other respects for every long. No matter how "hot" the guy is.

 

 

Firstly, I've never been one to be in awkward in any social situation, guess i've just been brought up like that. Even if there's a pretty girl, I might be a tad shy but I'll quickly get over it and talk as usual, I've generally pretty funny as well and can make jokes quite easily. I think what one of you said is correct, I believe maybe I'm using it as an excuse and just because I've done this, this and this, it means the girls should just flock to me.

 

 

Well, I generally haven't asked many girls out, but I'm also lacking a little information here. I have actually had a fair few girls like me, but they're never really the ones I like back, I do give them a chance because I'm not one to brush people off and i literally find them a bit.. boring.. for lack of a better word. For example, one girl who liked me recently literally slept, ate and watched movies all day. I'm sorry, but that's just like boring as hell.

 

From what I'm gathering here, it all comes down to me actually making things happen, as opposed to waiting for them to come to me. I just find it hard because I don't work with any women (apart from older ones), my uni class is 99% full of guys (physical education degree), I barely go out clubbing etc. cause I really don't like it much, I don't go to the gym cause I have weights at home. What are some other situations that are good to meet women in?

 

And one of you asked the question; do I have any girl friends, yes I do. Some are like a bit flirty toward me from time to time but it's just in fun. Also, someone else asked; how do you know girls are attracted to me? Well because you can just tell; they act flirty/bubbly/nervous around me (not all of them obviously), they give me looks when i'm out and about etc. basically just the normal signs, plus I've had alot of them tell it straight to my face. I really don't like talking about this kind of stuff because it sounds like I'm talking myself up.

 

But once again, it comes to me; thinking that just because I can attract women and that I'm ambitious, good looking or whatever crap I may go on with, that they're supposed to flock to me, which I guess isn't the case. In retrospect I have had a fair few missed opportunities to talk to some women I've found really attractive and they obviously have vice versa too. So I guess I'll just have to pucker up and use the confidence I have within myself and spread it out there among the ladies haha :). I haven't really made much of an effort, but it all comes down to me following the whole 'just focus on yourself, not on women' which has led to me being extremely frustrated, both emotionally and sexually I guess.

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Sorry sweetie, but you being 33 actually makes him out of your league. 33 is pretty old for a woman.

 

Sorry sweetie but 33 is only old when you believe it is...

and I certainly don't.

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Disillusioned

Yeah, I can see how "roasters" can be lonely.

 

I'm no Casanova and I don't have movie star good looks, but I have my s. together more than a lot of guys I know... it's not lack of sex that gets me down (I can go without that until the day after forever :p), but lack of affection from someone who'd really appreciate me and share all my crazy ideas. I honestly feel like I've been shipwrecked n the wrong planet. :(

 

But I also know I'd be equally lonely if I was the woman of my dreams... it would be extremely exhausting to constantly fend off all the horny, stupid men who'd just want into my tights. I'd probably have the female equivalent of a Pygmalion complex. :rolleyes:

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Sorry sweetie but 33 is only old when you believe it is...

and I certainly don't.

 

No it actually is old from a reproductive standpoint.

 

If that 22 year old wants to have kids someday (but not today), then getting into a long term relationship with you would be a bad idea based on age.

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No it actually is old from a reproductive standpoint.

 

If that 22 year old wants to have kids someday (but not today), then getting into a long term relationship with you would be a bad idea based on age.

 

I honestly doubt most 20-somethings look at a hot woman of any age and instantly think, "Is she capable of breeding?" They navigate through life using the compass in their trousers.

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Sorry sweetie but 33 is only old when you believe it is...

and I certainly don't.

 

Hell, I'm just barely able to breath and take on nourishment at 45. Talk to us when you are older...33 will be looking really good.

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OP, you may have identified an important component of why you're feeling 'lonely', that being 'assumptions' you've been making about your interactions with women and attaching feelings of loneliness when those assumptions don't pan out in the manner you assumed they would.

 

Your appearance will get you more 'interviews'. The rest is up to you and, for a man, that means clear actions to demonstrate your interest and attraction to the particular lady. You may feel this is a double standard versus what a generally universally attractive woman is faced with, and you may be right, but that's the construct we work within and one can go with the flow or be alone; it's a choice.

 

Next opportunity, try doing something different from what you have done in the past and see how you feel about that, regardless of the outcome.

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I honestly doubt most 20-somethings look at a hot woman of any age and instantly think, "Is she capable of breeding?" They navigate through life using the compass in their trousers.

 

Sounds like a generalisation to me.

It's highly likely that the majority of that age category thinks that way, yet not all 20-somethings are alike to that regard. :p

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I honestly doubt most 20-somethings look at a hot woman of any age and instantly think, "Is she capable of breeding?" They navigate through life using the compass in their trousers.

 

I'm a 20-something and I think that way. Most of my now-married friends also thought that way.

 

The only guys that don't think that way are the ones just looking for fun and sex....or the really desperate guys.

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On the subject of 22 year olds and older women..I'm 44 and still get interest from 22..and younger and that is on OLD and in real life.

I know it's only that they want sexual training...The Graduate..Dustin Hoffman..says it all! :) I would never take someone that age seriously in any way.

 

So, back to topic - you're 20 OP.

Where do you go to meet people if there's many things that you don't do..eg. gym, clubs etc?

 

You can meet someone anywhere but you have to be not at home to do so.

When I was 20 I was out and about all the time doing all sorts of things.

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My theory is, the greater your advantage, so too is the greater your propensity for disadvantage or weakness. BUT, this does not translate to "the more lonely you'll be".

 

In my experience, the better looking you are, obviously the wider and more deep your dating pool will be, but along with that comes the algae and bacteria - i.e., the undesirables. Just like a very rich guy is more likely to have tons of women fawning all over him, a 9/10 woman will get approached/flirted with infinitely more than a 5/10. Yet the 5/10 is more likely to have people approaching with genuine interest rather than superficial reasons.

 

Frankly, only for really and truly (and I mean EXCEPTIONALLY) beautiful people would I ever consider the possibility that they're flat out NOT getting approached or finding mates because their looks "intimidate" people. An attractive person is going to generate interest. Hell, "intimiation" doesn't even faze half the population. They'll hit on you whether they think they have a chance or not.

 

Now, given that you're a good looking guy and not a girl, the issue is a bit different but not entirely. Many genuinely attractive guys will get lots of looks, special treatment and flirtation from women, but it STILL falls on them to approach/close the deal. Unless you're a rich celebrity, women are rarely going to be literally throwing themselves at you; no matter how good you look. Unless it's for purely sexual reasons and even that is only temporary.

 

I mean, other than your looks, what exactly do you bring to the table? Are you shy and expecting your looks to get you women? How are you conversation skills? What can you offer a woman (aside from a pretty face) to interest her in the long term? Women love an attractive guy, but not many will put up with someone who doesn't hold their interests in other respects for every long. No matter how "hot" the guy is.

 

 

That's the thing: as a man you're expected to entertain women, not the other way around. I've long since learned that women do not possess the ability to entertain men, which is why they work so hard on their looks as substitute for what they lack: personality. A word of advice: you're not missing anything with these dames. Go on back to the clubs and keep on making out with the airheads. They seem to be almost everywhere I imagine and especially in clubs.

Edited by Shaun-Dro
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The only thing I’d add to the suggestions already given is develop/improve your verbal and conversational skills. To over-generalize, being able to converse is highly valued by women- not just tease or banter, but to connect through conversation. It can be as important or more important than sex or physical appeal and lots of women end relationships because the conversational interplay isn’t there. The best way to learn or hone the skill is to talk to women, all kinds of women, about anything and everything.

Edited by BlueIris
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