I can get women, just not the ones I want...

[Chrisg7]

I sincerely thank anyone who takes the time to read this long post and hear me out. This situation is causing me lots of stress, filling my mind with negative emotions, and impacting my ability to even concentrate on my work. Any help would be much appreciated.

 

I have recently become very infatuated with a particular girl, and I feel like my chances with her are dwindling away. Before I get into that though, let me give some backstory.

 

I am currently in college, have a good social life with plenty of friends, both female and male. Over the past few years, I have been a free spirit, going to parties and meeting different women, some of which I hooked up with, and some of which I had a regular FWB fling with.

 

One girl in particular I continued to see over the past year. She goes to a different school, but she would regularly drive down on the weekends to see me. Throughout the time that I spent with her, I tried to keep things more on the physical side and less on the emotional side, but it is easy to develop feelings for someone when you're having sex. One thing this made me notice is that I was tired of just hooking up, and I wanted to seek out something more fulfilling -a relationship. However, I did not want to start anything long distance, and she has gotten very attached to me, to the point where she tells her friends that we are dating, so recently I have been trying to take a (possibly permanent) break from seeing her.

 

A few weeks ago, my fraternity was having a date function, so with this girl out of my life, I had some thinking to do about who I would take. My mind wandered to one girl I had hung out with in groups of mutual friends the previous semester. I had always been attracted to her, but previously dismissed her as an option because she hooked up with two of my fraternity brothers. However, I decided that I didn't want to have that hold me back, and to approach her and the situation with an open mind. I asked her to the event, and she said yes. We had a great time, I felt like I did pretty much everything right. We ended up in my room at the end of the night, and I began to kiss her. She seemed into it for a few seconds, but then pulled away and said that she was not into random sex. This took me by surprise, given my knowledge of her sexual history, but I decided things could have changed for her and I was fine taking it slow. We talked for a while longer and I found myself really opening up to her, sharing lots of personal thoughts and feelings.

 

The next day she texts me apologizing for 'being awful' that night, and asking if I would like to go to a date function with her sorority the following weekend. I replied saying she wasn't awful at all and that I would definitely go with her. At this time, I noticed that I had developed strong feelings for her, maybe it was the fact that she seemed mysterious to me, but I couldn't get her off of my mind. My anticipation and excitement built throughout the week; I found myself thinking irrational thoughts such as fantasizing about being in a relationship with her and doing things like taking her home to meet my family. However, I feel that I kept my cool in our brief communications throughout the week.

 

The weekend arrived and I joined her at the event. She seemed happy to see me, and was more physical than usual. However, throughout the night she would frequently wander off and talk to groups of other people, leaving me to meet people on my own. I am naturally a very introverted person, so sometimes these situations can be difficult for me, and I worry that she saw me standing around at times looking for someone to talk to. However, when I met her on the dance floor later that night, I discovered that she was very drunk, and I had heard from her friend that she tends to wander a lot while drunk. I was pretty intoxicated myself, so as we intimately danced it took me a while to realize this. Shortly thereafter, she must have realized it herself, because she said she needed to go home. I walked (basically carried) her home, and kissed her forehead as she left.

 

The next day, which is the last communication I had with her, she texts me thanking me for walking her home, and saying that she is working on not being such a mess. I replied saying no problem, and that I was not about to let her leave on her own in that situation.

 

Since then, whenever I am not focused on something else, my mind immediately goes to her. I cannot stop thinking about her, and playing out different future situations in my mind. I find myself unhealthily infatuated, given the fact that I only really had one legitimate date with her. I find myself wondering all the time how she feels, because one thing that has remained constant in my interactions with her is that one moment she seems very interested, and the next moment she seems very disinterested. I know she is a shy girl at heart, but this behavior still confuses me. I feel like I may be failing with her; I am not seeing constant interest, she does not seem to want to kiss me (seems to avert her face when we are physically close), she is a very attractive girl with lots of options, and she has never been very enthusiastic in our text message exchanges. I want to give it one more shot and go on a more personal non-drinking date, but I will not have the time to do so until next week. I have a friend visiting this weekend for a big party that my fraternity is throwing; I invited her to this party, because I feel it would be rude of me not to, but she did not reply.

 

My feelings for her and about my love life in general are consuming me and making me depressed. As the title says, I feel that I have no issue finding women interested in me, but as soon as I find someone I genuinely adore that I would consider a relationship with, I go for it, and screw it up. This has happened to me three times since I have been at college. I am incredibly frustrated because of this, and sad because I feel so strongly about this one girl, and feel that my recent attempted relationship history looks to be repeating itself. I am trying to take some time off from her, but like I said we have lots of mutual friends, and I can usually plan on seeing her every weekend or two. I am not sure what to do in this situation. I want to preserve any chance I may have with her. I have discovered that I am very much a relationship-oriented person; I want to find someone to hold onto and to eventually love, but I have not been able to since high school. So I ask you love shack, where do I go from here?

Edited February 25, 2014 by Chrisg7

[Tayken]

@OP.....Just be glad you are getting some, have you read some of the threads on here with some guys literally crying out for some?

 

Nobody said it was going to be easy...Just up the Ante in your approach, I personally like a challenge and perseverance is something am a firm believer in

[Disillusioned]

I hear ya... I seem to attract nothing but rude, bovine women who want me to father their kid. 8-(

[OpheliaSong]

She screwed two of your frat brothers, but would avert her head when you wanted to kiss her? She made out with you but stopped it after saying she isn't into casual sex, after having casual sex? Yeah, she is a party girl who has no desire for an exclusive bf...and she does not act very interested in you. Don't pursue her or you will get your heart broken.

[Chrisg7]

She screwed two of your frat brothers, but would avert her head when you wanted to kiss her? She made out with you but stopped it after saying she isn't into casual sex, after having casual sex? Yeah, she is a party girl who has no desire for an exclusive bf...and she does not act very interested in you. Don't pursue her or you will get your heart broken.

 

I would agree with you fully, but the hookups had happened nearly a year ago when she was a freshman...people change, I sure as hell have changed a lot in my past year of college.

 

Also, she did not avert her head when I wanted to kiss her, I was saying she would never really position it in an opportune way. Still though, you make some good points...

Edited February 26, 2014 by Chrisg7

[somedude81]

Men are more like fisherman than hunters. We don't stalk our pray and go for that perfect shot, because it almost always misses. Instead we drag the net trying to get as many as possible. Then throw back the ones you don't want.

 

Of course things are much easier when the fish jump in your boat

[Just_c]

Men are more like fisherman than hunters. We don't stalk our pray and go for that perfect shot, because it almost always misses. Instead we drag the net trying to get as many as possible. Then throw back the ones you don't want.

 

Of course things are much easier when the fish jump in your boat

This quote is gold mate and i feel that it sums it up perfectly. I've been guilty plenty of times of pining after one girl that i believed was the one. all that ends up happening is that you become obsessed with all the minor details and over analyse everything that she does. If you're anything like me I would say that you are too emotionally invested now to change the way you feel.

 

It sounds like you are in a lot of emotional turmoil. You need to end this and stop the guessing game. Send her a blunt email or a text explaining your feelings and your confusion regarding her behaviour. If its a yes then great! Get involved. If its a no then tell her thats fine but you'll need to stop being friends until you've moved on. Delete her from your phone and block from all social networks and avoid her around campus.

 

This approach is extreme and will require you to put your pride on the line; but trust me it works!

 

I had a very similar situation where i was obsessed with a girl at my work for a year. She had a boyfriend and they eventually broke up. We ended up hooking up and she told me how much she liked me and then all of a sudden pulled away and gave me a heap of bull**** excuses and led me on for ages( I was essentially the rebound guy). I eventually got tired of it and cut her off. It felt extreme at the time but looking back on it, it was a great choice because i recovered quickly and was able to resume dating with a clean canvas.

 

I hope that helps!

[Chrisg7]

This quote is gold mate and i feel that it sums it up perfectly. I've been guilty plenty of times of pining after one girl that i believed was the one. all that ends up happening is that you become obsessed with all the minor details and over analyse everything that she does. If you're anything like me I would say that you are too emotionally invested now to change the way you feel.

 

It sounds like you are in a lot of emotional turmoil. You need to end this and stop the guessing game. Send her a blunt email or a text explaining your feelings and your confusion regarding her behaviour. If its a yes then great! Get involved. If its a no then tell her thats fine but you'll need to stop being friends until you've moved on. Delete her from your phone and block from all social networks and avoid her around campus.

 

This approach is extreme and will require you to put your pride on the line; but trust me it works!

 

I had a very similar situation where i was obsessed with a girl at my work for a year. She had a boyfriend and they eventually broke up. We ended up hooking up and she told me how much she liked me and then all of a sudden pulled away and gave me a heap of bull**** excuses and led me on for ages( I was essentially the rebound guy). I eventually got tired of it and cut her off. It felt extreme at the time but looking back on it, it was a great choice because i recovered quickly and was able to resume dating with a clean canvas.

 

I hope that helps!

 

This is definitely a good idea, but I think it may be too soon to present her with such an ultimatum. Besides, directly telling her I am interested takes all of the mystery/excitement out of her end of the process.

 

My plan is to ask her on another date next week: If she agrees and I still am left in the same state of mind at the end of the date, I will take your advice and ask her this directly.

 

Although over the past few days I have been able to calm myself down with regard to how strongly I feel about this particular girl, I am still pretty frustrated that I cannot seem to have success with women that meet my standards for dating. The paradox that the less interested you are in someone, the more interested they will be in you is driving me crazy. Am I supposed to just force myself to seem disinterested in the girls that I want the most?? ugh...I absolutely hate not being genuine, but it seems like that is what I have to do to have the success that I seek.

[JP100]

Well you have several choices,

 

1. Wait for her

2. Move on

 

Speaking from experience, if she does not come off strong and wants to hook up and be boyfriend and girlfriend and continues to devote her attention to you, she honestly is not worth it move on.

 

Yes you can wait for her, but to see this play out, she is going to end up breaking your heart. Unless somehow you got a big ass nice house, and BMW the game might change....

[Just_c]

This is definitely a good idea, but I think it may be too soon to present her with such an ultimatum. Besides, directly telling her I am interested takes all of the mystery/excitement out of her end of the process.

 

My plan is to ask her on another date next week: If she agrees and I still am left in the same state of mind at the end of the date, I will take your advice and ask her this directly.

 

Although over the past few days I have been able to calm myself down with regard to how strongly I feel about this particular girl, I am still pretty frustrated that I cannot seem to have success with women that meet my standards for dating. The paradox that the less interested you are in someone, the more interested they will be in you is driving me crazy. Am I supposed to just force myself to seem disinterested in the girls that I want the most?? ugh...I absolutely hate not being genuine, but it seems like that is what I have to do to have the success that I seek.

Fair enough mate, but just don't try too hard to figure out what is going through her head and try to manipulate that. It will never work. At the end of the day you need to put our own feelings first. You will gain more confidence and empowerment that way! Good luck!

[Disillusioned]

Men are more like fisherman than hunters. We don't stalk our pray and go for that perfect shot, because it almost always misses. Instead we drag the net trying to get as many as possible. Then throw back the ones you don't want.

 

Of course things are much easier when the fish jump in your boat

 

The problem is that some of those fish are poison.

[erusaelptew]

It sounds to me that the only problem you are having with not getting the ladies you like is exactly the same problem every guy has when they meet a girl they are attracted to. You become needy and overly approving of everything she does. Your body language is very different than when you are with the ladies you have no problem attracting. Ladies are VERY aware of all of this. Almost every person does this.

 

Put yourself in her shoes. What would you do if a regular girl that your not attracted to starts agreeing with everythings you say and telling you everything you do is amazing. It might be nice for your ego at first, but then it just turns creepy.

 

The other issue is she is a party girl. She probably smoke weed, which will make her very sporadic in her behavior and most likely unreliable. Also being a party girl, she probably has MANY friend with benefits. You would just be another one. A girl like this takes a ton of work to keep her interested in you.

[Chrisg7]

It sounds to me that the only problem you are having with not getting the ladies you like is exactly the same problem every guy has when they meet a girl they are attracted to. You become needy and overly approving of everything she does. Your body language is very different than when you are with the ladies you have no problem attracting. Ladies are VERY aware of all of this. Almost every person does this.

 

Put yourself in her shoes. What would you do if a regular girl that your not attracted to starts agreeing with everythings you say and telling you everything you do is amazing. It might be nice for your ego at first, but then it just turns creepy.

 

The other issue is she is a party girl. She probably smoke weed, which will make her very sporadic in her behavior and most likely unreliable. Also being a party girl, she probably has MANY friend with benefits. You would just be another one. A girl like this takes a ton of work to keep her interested in you.

 

That bold sentence is pretty ignorant...also many people would call me a 'party guy', so dating a 'party girl' is kind of what I'm looking for...I'm in college

 

I do appreciate the post though, the first two paragraphs are spot on. However, it is hard to control something like that which is 99% subconscious, and it goes back to my prior issue with not being genuine.

[pteromom]

Do you know for sure that she hooked up with your friends, or is that just what they said?

 

Also, do you think she may be distanced from you for similar reasons? You said you have hooked up with a bunch of girls, so maybe some of them are her friends? Maybe you have a player reputation, so she feels she can't get too close to you? Maybe she is avoiding kisses because she doesn't want to fall for you?

 

As far as your feelings, they are strong because you can't get her. It's natural to want what you can't have.

 

But if she describes herself as a mess, you may want to think long and hard about whether she's really the person you want to try a relationship with. Just something to think about.

[erusaelptew]

You being in college, and being a party guy for that matter, you should understand how often she gets offered drugs. Im just saying it is a huge factor to consider. It would explain her sporadic behavior.

 

And about being genuine, it's really not hard to do. The best way I can explain "Being Genuine" If you want to impress a girl... be ok with having flaws. If you have anyone in your life that you would call close, someone you would call a best friend. Think about how you interact with that person, how it's "just easy" to hang out with them. Treat ladies the exact same way and you will never fail. Welcome them into your life

[Woggle]

You have want what you can't have syndrome.

[Chrisg7]

Do you know for sure that she hooked up with your friends, or is that just what they said?

 

Also, do you think she may be distanced from you for similar reasons? You said you have hooked up with a bunch of girls, so maybe some of them are her friends? Maybe you have a player reputation, so she feels she can't get too close to you? Maybe she is avoiding kisses because she doesn't want to fall for you?

 

As far as your feelings, they are strong because you can't get her. It's natural to want what you can't have.

 

But if she describes herself as a mess, you may want to think long and hard about whether she's really the person you want to try a relationship with. Just something to think about.

 

Great post here. I am 100% positive that she had sex with two of my fraternity brothers, about a year/18 months ago respectively, but they are not my closest friends. However, at least one of them attended each of the events that we went to together as dates, so I'm thinking maybe she just doesn't want to seem like a slut.

 

Maybe I gave the wrong impression - I have not hooked up with a bunch of girls, I have had a few friends with benefits that I had been going steady with until recently. I have had probably a total of 4 random hookups in my college career.

 

I know almost positively that none of the girls I have been with are her friends, however she has seen me be physically intimate with two different girls when we were just friends last semester...not sure if that would have the same effect. Additionally, one of my friends who is a girl is great friends with her. However, she likes to gossip a lot and there is a possibility she could have given her the wrong impression about me.

 

About your last paragraph though, that is a good consideration that I have been pondering recently, but I have spent a fair amount of time with her and 'a mess' is surely not how I would describe her. I want to get to know her on a more personal level and make sure this is not the case, and also that our personalities are compatible before I attempt a relationship.

Edited February 27, 2014 by Chrisg7

[pteromom]

however she has seen me be physically intimate with two different girls when we were just friends last semester...not sure if that would have the same effect. Additionally, one of my friends who is a girl is great friends with her. However, she likes to gossip a lot and there is a possibility she could have given her the wrong impression about me.

 

Add these two things together, and I would say there is a strong possibility that this is the reason she's acting the way she is.