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"Your picker is off" or "Picking the wrong people"


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So often I hear the phrase above uttered and it's become more of a platitude or a cop-out answer to all one's dating woes (perhaps to make said person feel better? Who knows).

 

But, usually this is stated AFTER the fact anyhow, so it's moot that someone's picker is off".

 

That being said, I feel that people are picking the RIGHT people for them, but (hate to bring up rejection again, lol), but...they are always getting turned down and rejected by the right people for them.

 

(As odd as that may seem).

 

"Oh , you're just picking the wrong people"

 

"Of course not, I'm picking the right people, they just aren't interested in dating me, that's all."

 

lol

 

Of course, with every point, there's a counter-point.

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My picker has been off on two occasions in the last few years.

 

I also know I dampened my instincts thinking odd little things were just odd little things and wouldn't recur nor become an issue - but they did and they were really just early warning signs that I should have listened to.

 

My last two brief relationships - one was only 5 weeks, the other 7 months (which I attempted to get out of from the 3 month stage) were both incredibly intense on their side - talk of moving in together as early as two weeks and a month respectively.

 

Both were insecure, needy and controlling.

I'm aware I need to switch my instincts back on and listen to them. I am not sure I can really blame my picker.

Instincts can so easily be switched off though by women as all day every day we here 'he's just a man' or words to that effect which dumb down things which are actually just not at all right/kind/respectful/normal.

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OP, IMO the phrase has validity if part of one's own self-examination and growth. Other than that, it's just a flippant comment thrown out to marginalize another without any substantive thought, investment or care. There's a lot of that in life.

 

If you feel you're picking the right people to associate with and they consistently do turn out to be unhealthy for you, I'd certainly suggest examining that. The process of 'picking' is different for each of us so it's impossible to generalize.

 

As an example, as a result of therapy and self-examination, I found my 'picker' problem was giving fellow humans too much 'benefit of the doubt' when things didn't match up or appeared unhealthy. Too considerate, too caring, too 'allowing', too willing to 'accept'. With that kind of mindset, the landscape was ripe for abuse, even incidentally. Solution? Care less and enact stronger boundaries. Made some good enemies along the path. That's progress.

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Disillusioned

My picker works just fine, but then again it's tuned differently than most other guys' pickers.

 

My best male friend OTOH still glumly reminds me that he wishes he'd been as picky as I am when he met the woman he married and then divorced 10 years later... but back then he was starry-eyed and he wouldn't listen to me and his 2 other male friends who warned him that woman was poison.

 

Other people's pickers can also make for some funny/embarrassing moments. A couple of years ago, I was in a nightclub where a speed dating party was going to start. I caught this (presumably) gay guy staring and smiling at me. A few minutes later when the speed dating thing started, I had to walk past the guy on my way there... I whispered to him, "psst! Buddy! Tune your set!" in reference of course to gaydar. He didn't seem to take offense to it, and the people I told about it later on thought it was a hilarious use of rhetoric.

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Frank2thepoint
OP, IMO the phrase has validity if part of one's own self-examination and growth. Other than that, it's just a flippant comment thrown out to marginalize another without any substantive thought, investment or care. There's a lot of that in life.

 

I concur. After sharing some anecdotes of my dating life to few people that ask, I usually get the classic response from them "maybe you're looking in the wrong place". I immediately retort "do you know where is the right place to look?". Their response is just silence or a shrug of the shoulders.

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Disillusioned
I concur. After sharing some anecdotes of my dating life to few people that ask, I usually get the classic response from them "maybe you're looking in the wrong place". I immediately retort "do you know where is the right place to look?". Their response is just silence or a shrug of the shoulders.

 

That, or "ya gotta get out". Pretty vague.

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