darkwings Posted February 3, 2013 Share Posted February 3, 2013 I would be glad if anyone of you took some time off to read my blabber-jabber. Thanks in advance. I'll soon be 18. When I was slightly older than 8, I was molested by a person I knew and trusted. It started off at first in the form of innocent hugs, then pecks on the cheeks, and then gradually worsened. I didn't sense anything wrong initially. I was 12, I think, when he raped me. It hurt as hell. Not equipped with adequate sexual vocabulary, I couldn't explain my mother exactly what he did. She still thinks it was only a case of molestation, and not a more severe form of sexual assault. All these years, I had kept it all bottled up. I could never muster the courage to tell anyone, fearing ridicule and embarrassment. Well,emotionally, I am much better now. But, now a new issue has surfaced. The problem is I have started liking a guy. After my ordeal, I couldn't look guys in their faces, the thought of dating someone almost appalled me. But, he's...really different. He likes me too. Being around him, makes me feel on top of the world, and we have known each other for months. I may have never dated anyone before, but I'm experienced enough to tell by his behavior, that he would soon propose. But, he is EXTREMELY traditional. He would never accept me not being a virgin. I fear if I tell him about my past, he'll leave me, and I'm just not prepared to deal with the raw hurt and pain. What should I do? Please help. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 3, 2013 Share Posted February 3, 2013 Oh good god alive, really - ?! Even if you were raped? Jeesh.... Where do you come from....? Link to post Share on other sites
Cutiepie1976 Posted February 3, 2013 Share Posted February 3, 2013 Is it possible to speak with a counselor? You seem to feel you bear responsibility for what happened and are to be judged because this happened to you. You were a child. This wasn't a choice you willingly made. You had no say in what happened. Speaking with a professional may help you view things differently. Best! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted February 3, 2013 Share Posted February 3, 2013 the best sort of man becomes gallant when hearing about a lady's distress, my dealbreaker, if he doesn't undrstand what happened to you, well, what kind of man is that? a joker....you were raped, blame the rapist for the rape and get counselling from somebody who understands, one day all this will be dim and distant memory if you try not to brood, sort of thing Link to post Share on other sites
RR1 Posted February 4, 2013 Share Posted February 4, 2013 What a sad tragic story. I really do think that if he thinks highly of you that he would want to be there for you. To have the courage to confess such a traumatic event to someone can only inspire respect and love. If he behaves otherwise he is obviously not worth your time. Be brave and tell him, he should respond by loving you even more if he is a decent caring person. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author darkwings Posted February 4, 2013 Author Share Posted February 4, 2013 Thank you for your suggestion. But, I had seen a counselor, well sort of. That was when I was 15. The counselor was actually an older family friend, trained in psychotherapy. With him too, I didn't know what to say and more importantly, how to say. But, he understood everything. I never had to do all the talking. He was definitely the best thing that ever happened to me. To cut a long story short, I owe him for putting me back on track. But, since then he's been busy. His work commitments mean a lot of travelling. We haven't had any contact for more than a year. Without active support, I think, my old doubts start resurfacing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author darkwings Posted February 4, 2013 Author Share Posted February 4, 2013 Oh good god alive, really - ?! Even if you were raped? Jeesh.... Where do you come from....? I have an Asian heritage. But, we moved west. Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted February 4, 2013 Share Posted February 4, 2013 Thank you for your suggestion. But, I had seen a counselor, well sort of. That was when I was 15. The counselor was actually an older family friend, trained in psychotherapy. With him too, I didn't know what to say and more importantly, how to say. But, he understood everything. I never had to do all the talking. He was definitely the best thing that ever happened to me. To cut a long story short, I owe him for putting me back on track. But, since then he's been busy. His work commitments mean a lot of travelling. We haven't had any contact for more than a year. Without active support, I think, my old doubts start resurfacing. you can't carry this counsellor around in your pocket, but write down what he told you, keep it on a special place in your purse ready to read, i can't do any more for you now, i'm not a counsellor see, i'd book a new one, if i were you Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted February 4, 2013 Share Posted February 4, 2013 Hey dark wings, How long have you been dating this guy for? Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted February 4, 2013 Share Posted February 4, 2013 I have an Asian heritage. But, we moved west. Doesnt matter where you come from dark wings......deb Link to post Share on other sites
Author darkwings Posted February 5, 2013 Author Share Posted February 5, 2013 Hey dark wings, How long have you been dating this guy for? Ok, I have known him for like more than 2 years. Back then, we never really got much of an opportunity to interact...We slowly became acquaintances though, then best friends...Dating occurred even late; it started quite recently...It took me by surprise,when he first asked me out...It was then that I realized that I cherish his company as someone more than just a friend. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 Doesnt matter where you come from dark wings......deb No, it does, in the sense of the bias that exists against some women in some cultures. If she is still in the country of a culture that does not favour women in an equal way, then there may be problems for her. But if she's moved west, then hopefully, she's in a 'more enlightened' environment.... That was the point of my question. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 No, it does, in the sense of the bias that exists against some women in some cultures. If she is still in the country of a culture that does not favour women in an equal way, then there may be problems for her. But if she's moved west, then hopefully, she's in a 'more enlightened' environment.... That was the point of my question. thanks for clarification ,with honesty when i read, even if you were raped in the same sentence ......i thought your post had a different meaning tara....i apologize....deb 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 Never a problem, deb... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 Ok, I have known him for like more than 2 years. Back then, we never really got much of an opportunity to interact...We slowly became acquaintances though, then best friends...Dating occurred even late; it started quite recently...It took me by surprise,when he first asked me out...It was then that I realized that I cherish his company as someone more than just a friend. I dont look forward to having to tell a future partner either dark wings, it isnt something you will ever look forward too with whoever you are serious about, in fact i know that when i have told, i dont remember the conversations i go white knuckled.....i say it once thats it......it would probably be easier talking about it in therapy.... than a potential lover......has yoru bf ever talked abotu rape or have you had a discussion wher eyou coudl feel if he has sympathy with victims of rape or not? Ugh....I dont want to tell you to be honest and this guy be a dick to you....why do you feel he would not accept you having been raped opposed to choosing and having consensual sex....... Link to post Share on other sites
ltjg45 Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 darkwings, you really need to tell him. I'm also sorry to hear that as that makes me angry. He shouldn't leave you because of it due to the simple fact that you never did actually "lose" your virginity. You got raped. Totally different scenarios. The sooner you tell him, the sooner he can tell you as to whether or not your relationship will be affected. If he is really the kind of man that you say he is, it should not only keep your relationship strong but it should be even stronger. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author darkwings Posted February 6, 2013 Author Share Posted February 6, 2013 No, it does, in the sense of the bias that exists against some women in some cultures. If she is still in the country of a culture that does not favour women in an equal way, then there may be problems for her. But if she's moved west, then hopefully, she's in a 'more enlightened' environment.... That was the point of my question. Ah, I think you've got the wrong idea! I've lived my entire life in a liberal environment, so don't worry about that...I have Asian roots (and am proud of that), but that's it...It appalls me too that how some communities harbor such ill-will towards "de-flowered" women... I'm not traditional, but given a choice, I wouldn't want to have pre-marital sex...Everyone is different, and that's just my take on this....My bf is far more traditional though...Most of the girls my age, that I know of, are not virgins. From my perspective, I think it's fairly normal if they want to indulge in casual sex. It's their body...their choice. Though, my bf is not condemning of such behavior, he did express his displeasure at such attitudes. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 6, 2013 Share Posted February 6, 2013 Thank you, that clarifies everything perfectly. But you understand why I asked.... I agree with the above poster. If your BF reacts badly and with bias or prejudice, then it says a lot more about him, than you. I'm hoping he'll be fine.... Good luck X Link to post Share on other sites
Author darkwings Posted February 6, 2013 Author Share Posted February 6, 2013 I dont look forward to having to tell a future partner either dark wings, it isnt something you will ever look forward too with whoever you are serious about, in fact i know that when i have told, i dont remember the conversations i go white knuckled.....i say it once thats it......it would probably be easier talking about it in therapy.... than a potential lover......has yoru bf ever talked abotu rape or have you had a discussion wher eyou coudl feel if he has sympathy with victims of rape or not? Ugh....I dont want to tell you to be honest and this guy be a dick to you....why do you feel he would not accept you having been raped opposed to choosing and having consensual sex....... I'm glad u understand the difficulty of it. Ah, I can't remember any of our conversations heading in the direction of rape or rape victims...so, I'm not sure how he would react to my admission. Um, I don't know if he would accept me or not...Most of the girls in our class are not virgins. Some of them try to hit on him. He doesn't really have much of a regard for them. But, neither do I. I mean, they change their sleeping partners so often. I have nothing against casual sex, but still sleeping around with anyone you get a chance to sleep with, is a little too much.....I know I'm being judgemental, but that's just how I feel. Link to post Share on other sites
Archgirl Posted February 6, 2013 Share Posted February 6, 2013 Oh sweetheart, what an awful situation! I'm so sorry. I would suggest you get a counsellor/psychologist on board to help you figure out how to talk to your BF about it in a constructive way that will also have a healthy/positive outcome for you. Best of luck Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted February 6, 2013 Share Posted February 6, 2013 I'm glad u understand the difficulty of it. Ah, I can't remember any of our conversations heading in the direction of rape or rape victims...so, I'm not sure how he would react to my admission. Um, I don't know if he would accept me or not...Most of the girls in our class are not virgins. Some of them try to hit on him. He doesn't really have much of a regard for them. But, neither do I. I mean, they change their sleeping partners so often. I have nothing against casual sex, but still sleeping around with anyone you get a chance to sleep with, is a little too much.....I know I'm being judgemental, but that's just how I feel. being promiscuous and frequent casual sex, is a whole lot different to being raped as a child or teen, the only thing that i will say is that some guys see rape victims as having issues they might not be able to deal with......not so much the virginity issue but more the after effects of being raped the traumatic possible ptsd etc.... I have been advised by therapists recently actually that it is my decision to make and that i am not under obligation to tell anyone, times i do tell are....one if i feel it would help another victim two if i am serious about someone and intend staying with them....i can have flashbacks.... i feel thsi way abtou disclosure...you had your rights taken away from you once, you are now under no obligation to disclose and you have that right to deal with what happened yourself without fear of judgement or reprisal.......best wishes...you have the right to choose what is best for you, as far as if he asks if you are a virgin, then it comes down to how much you wish to disclose with honesty if he is a good man he wont judge you on what essentially what was taken from you and not given away freely by you..........deb Link to post Share on other sites
Author darkwings Posted February 6, 2013 Author Share Posted February 6, 2013 being promiscuous and frequent casual sex, is a whole lot different to being raped as a child or teen, the only thing that i will say is that some guys see rape victims as having issues they might not be able to deal with......not so much the virginity issue but more the after effects of being raped the traumatic possible ptsd etc.... I have been advised by therapists recently actually that it is my decision to make and that i am not under obligation to tell anyone, times i do tell are....one if i feel it would help another victim two if i am serious about someone and intend staying with them....i can have flashbacks.... i feel thsi way abtou disclosure...you had your rights taken away from you once, you are now under no obligation to disclose and you have that right to deal with what happened yourself without fear of judgement or reprisal.......best wishes...you have the right to choose what is best for you, as far as if he asks if you are a virgin, then it comes down to how much you wish to disclose with honesty if he is a good man he wont judge you on what essentially what was taken from you and not given away freely by you..........deb It appears that u too have dealt with a similar situation. Would u mind if I ask u about it?... Sorry for being nosy...and don't respond if u don't want to. I agree about the flashback part...It's difficult...when u try so hard to block everything that could remind u of that **** who raped u, something unrelated pops out of nowhere, reminding u about him...plummeting u even deeper into ur misery...The worst part was that while I was hurt and grieving, he was out there having a good time, probably f***ing some other chic...I hated him for this...I still become numb when I see a man wearing a tangerine colored jacket...Counselling didn't help either in curbing these flashbacks... You say that it's up to me whether I want to tell my bf anything or not...But, wouldn't not being honest with him, be like lying?? I mean, to me it would appear like- because I wanted him, I purposely didn't tell him everything that could drive us apart...Somehow, that doesn't sound right to me... Another thing that struck me in ur post was about guys having issues with a rape victim, issues other than her loss of virginity...My counselor (I think I mentioned him in an earlier post) told me that, when he was younger, he dated a sexually violated girl. Though, he liked her a lot, he had to eventually break up with her. That was when he realized that the onus of their relationship had shifted heavily towards him. Instead of being equals, he was, for most part, looking after or taking care of the girl...She didn't seem emotionally compatible to him. His efforts towards supporting her, eventually drained him, and he broke up with her. So, he told me that to get on in life I would have to consciously make an effort...Well, I've been trying. Link to post Share on other sites
Author darkwings Posted February 6, 2013 Author Share Posted February 6, 2013 (edited) Archgirl, thanx for understanding! Edited February 6, 2013 by darkwings Link to post Share on other sites
Author darkwings Posted February 6, 2013 Author Share Posted February 6, 2013 Thank you, that clarifies everything perfectly. But you understand why I asked.... I agree with the above poster. If your BF reacts badly and with bias or prejudice, then it says a lot more about him, than you. I'm hoping he'll be fine.... Good luck X Oh, don't worry about it, u were just trying to be helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted February 6, 2013 Share Posted February 6, 2013 (edited) It appears that u too have dealt with a similar situation. Would u mind if I ask u about it?... Sorry for being nosy...and don't respond if u don't want to. I agree about the flashback part...It's difficult...when u try so hard to block everything that could remind u of that **** who raped u, something unrelated pops out of nowhere, reminding u about him...plummeting u even deeper into ur misery...The worst part was that while I was hurt and grieving, he was out there having a good time, probably f***ing some other chic...I hated him for this...I still become numb when I see a man wearing a tangerine colored jacket...Counselling didn't help either in curbing these flashbacks... You say that it's up to me whether I want to tell my bf anything or not...But, wouldn't not being honest with him, be like lying?? I mean, to me it would appear like- because I wanted him, I purposely didn't tell him everything that could drive us apart...Somehow, that doesn't sound right to me... Another thing that struck me in ur post was about guys having issues with a rape victim, issues other than her loss of virginity...My counselor (I think I mentioned him in an earlier post) told me that, when he was younger, he dated a sexually violated girl. Though, he liked her a lot, he had to eventually break up with her. That was when he realized that the onus of their relationship had shifted heavily towards him. Instead of being equals, he was, for most part, looking after or taking care of the girl...She didn't seem emotionally compatible to him. His efforts towards supporting her, eventually drained him, and he broke up with her. So, he told me that to get on in life I would have to consciously make an effort...Well, I've been trying. Dark wings you hit the nail on the head so did your therapist, when you get abused sexually a nice guy will somehow feel he has to make everything better he is now your sworn protector and that onus is draining for both,I dont need a protector, i am pretty independent have been from a very young age in fact when i was growing up my parents both worked so i bought up my little sister, I skewed the opposite way i became an over achiever who was ocd, was a part of everything i could ever be a part of,twice in the local paper for me helping others...felt i had to prove my worth i guess, especially to my father......so the last thing i need is someone to look after me,i need some one to be my equal to have fun with not to be a sad sack and sit around going woe is me.....i do need to focus, and get a handle on my mood shifts......around my period...its bad.......i had a very long term relationship and i know how to keep one...... as far as what happened to me, i dont mind telling you about it,i do mind when people dont believe it even though i say you dont have to believe me it doesnt matter its over now,i dont actually enjoy being thought of as a liar.......i feel i have to prove i t, and i shouldnt have to.......he was never bought to justice......my justice is being able to say hey, you didn't damage me bud, i survived and i have had some excellent times in my life.......and wonderful people in my life.......i stopped you from hurting others and now i help others......and yes i do forgive him......he was sick......dont know if he still is my parents both worked as i said so before i started school i had to have an in their home baby sitter......my mum chose a seemingly nice couple with a disabled child to "look " after me....gordon and helen...... over a period of six months or longer not really sure.......he molested me......there was penetration and i lost my virginity, he only molested me for a while, before i guess i became boring to him, he had threatened me that he would tell my parents what a dirty girl i was, and used my desire to always make my step father happy to his advantage....scared the crap out of me basically,told me all the things pedophiles tell their victims, his wife would often be standing in the kitchen watching, never said a word..... he started bringing home kids on weekends from a local orphange, my parents would let me stay there overnight sometimes and on weekends he would say he was taking me here or there, and there were other kids involved so they would let me stay with them, he would buy me things, toys, clothes.....dr suess books,toy monkeys.....showed me a lot of affection......i was a pretty lonely kid he used that as well, i was also extremely advanced for my age.......when he started to molest the kids from the orphanage, i knew i had to tell my parents.........he rang the same weekend i had told my parents what was going on,he rang to come and get me.....my step father got on the phone, i remember my step father telling him she told us what you did, you are never coming near her again....i got more upset that my step father said she...because i was always told she was not the word to use when describing a woman ro a girl...she said this she said that.....so that upset me.......anyway he packed up his stuff and his wife and his house and did a runner, mum rang the orphanage and the other children opened up because i had.......no one had child safety cards or blue cards in those days....... to this day i am not a fan of facial hair or beards, and guys have shaved their beards off for that reason, when i flash back,it isnt in a sex situation , more when i hurt myself, or am in physical pain....i cant have people touching me..if i fall ....i have to get up by myself.........when i have sex i love the person normally so my focus is on them......i am not into casual sex.......and when i have it hasnt been pleasant...its mechanical and i feel dead......i dont class this as damage....i just class not like casual sex as what makes me happy and what doesnt.....hope me sharing my story has helped you in some way.......as i have said when i posted this story here before, you dont have to believe me,it happened a long time ago i would prefer that you did believe me, because i shared the truth with you....and i hope again, that you feel my support with what you are going through, through shared knowledge......deb Edited February 6, 2013 by todreaminblue Link to post Share on other sites
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