Relationship material vs Non Relationship material

[Miss S H]

So basically, I see soo many girls out there and guys who have soo much going for them, they’re confident, good looking and genuinely caring affectionate people who want a relationship vs a bit of mucking around. All still fun, and have no problem meeting girls/guys.

The problems comes after the intial meeting and courting stages, irrespective of who is doing the courting…… there is just some people who can’t move past into a “relationship”.

No matter how much they get along with people they date/meet or how much attraction or suitability there is.

Are there certain things which are killers? Or is a large percentage of society really that futile these days?

For example, sex on the first or second date, or too early, is that a deal breaker for guys?

A guy who is too sweet or keen, a turn off for some girls perhaps?

Personally, I see no issue with either, because I figure if you’re into someone, and personally I can tell instantly, things like that aren’t deal breakers.

But are they for most?

[WhiteChocolate]

Deal breakers for me are basically if he's too into sex...

 

Agrees

 

Honda Civic analogy

 

Agrees.

 

I believe you fall in love, THEN you do physical stuff to show your LOVE. So, in other words, I don't believe in NSA sex... only care to ML, etc.

 

Debatable.

 

So, basically, any walking, living, breathing young guy in his 20's is a deal breaker for me!! lol

 

What.

 

I basically want to change the world. lol

 

Most people want to change the world for the better. You seem to want to change the world to suit yourself.

 

I'm a feminist female, who believes in monogamy and getting married and looking for your life partner/soul mate and if you aren't doing this, then you are still just a baby and immature to me.

 

Pot calling kettle black much? From your other posts, not letting go of a guy who has rejected you for years is far more immature than having a bit of fun when you are young.

 

I'm basically a feminist, who believes women's place is generally in the home as wives or mothers. Kind of a catch 22, but it works for me.

 

How is this a Catch-22? Do you even know what a Catch-22 means? I would consider your view a contradiction.

 

I have no problem when women kick men's butts at stuff, but I have a problem when a mother tries to balance staying that type of woman once she's has kids.

 

So once you have kids, you can't "kick men's butts at stuff." What. The. Heck?

 

 

Anyways, my dealbreaker is that a man must be gentle and kind. Not necessarily nice all the time, but I don't like men who have a mean streak.

 

So joking, being protectively aggressive, is all great. But if the joking is at the expense of someone else, or the aggression is unwarranted, then that turns me off.

[TrueColors]

Are there certain things which are killers? Or is a large percentage of society really that futile these days?

For example, sex on the first or second date, or too early, is that a deal breaker for guys?

A guy who is too sweet or keen, a turn off for some girls perhaps?

Personally, I see no issue with either, because I figure if you’re into someone, and personally I can tell instantly, things like that aren’t deal breakers.

But are they for most?

 

Miss S H, I personally believe that the majority of people do not TRULY know what they want from a relationship.

 

Most people's fantasies consist of: meet someone attractive - fall in love - have lots of sex - marry - live happily ever after.

 

But then it really depends on the person. There are some who just want the first part of the equation and stop at having lots of sex (and when that dwindles, then they move onto the next person and start the cycle again).

 

So it's futile trying to guess what other people want or change them. All you can really do is figure out what YOU want and what YOUR dealbreakers are.

 

For me, my dealbreakers are lack of respect, care, honesty, trust, love and self-awareness.

However, in order for me to be successful in finding a partner, I'd have to flip this around and ask:

 

 

• How can I find someone to respect, if I don't respect myself?
  
• How can I find someone to care about, when I don't take care of myself?
  
• How can I trust someone if I don't trust myself?
  
• How can I find someone who's honest, if I'm not honest with myself?
  
• How can I find love, if I don't even "love" myself?
  

 

(And by "love myself" I don't mean going around telling people how fantastic I am; it's an inner confidence and complete acceptance of oneself, including their "flaws" and mistakes).

 

Self-awareness is a biggie for me. I think most people walk around "blind", too scared to ask questions about themselves or their choices; just let "whatever happens, happen" - and then end up playing the "victim".

 

 

Deal breakers for me are basically if he's too into sex...

 

I third this.

 

I basically want to change the world. lol

 

I type "lol" but I'm being totally and completely serious.

Then why do it?

 

I'm a feminist female, who believes in monogamy and getting married and looking for your life partner/soul mate and if you aren't doing this, then you are still just a baby and immature to me.

 

I'm basically a feminist, who believes women's place is generally in the home as wives or mothers. Kind of a catch 22, but it works for me.

I see a lot of fantasy here, not maturity...

 

 

1. LB, what does being "feminist" mean to you? What is your definition of feminism?
   
2. And what does feminism have to do with wanting to be a stay-at-home wife and mother?
   
3. So you think that a definition of a "mature" person is one who spends their life "looking for" their "perfect partner"?
   

[WhiteChocolate]

Most people's fantasies consist of: meet someone attractive - fall in love - have lots of sex - marry - live happily ever after.

 

For me, my dealbreakers are lack of respect, care, honesty, trust, love and self-awareness.

 

However, in order for me to be successful in finding a partner, I'd have to flip this around and ask:

 

• How can I find someone to respect, if I don't respect myself?
  
• How can I find someone to care about, when I don't take care of myself?
  
• How can I trust someone if I don't trust myself?
  
• How can I find someone who's honest, if I'm not honest with myself?
  
• How can I find love, if I don't even "love" myself?
  

(And by "love myself" I don't mean going around telling people how fantastic I am; it's an inner confidence and complete acceptance of oneself, including their "flaws" and mistakes).

 

Self-awareness is a biggie for me. I think most people walk around "blind", too scared to ask questions about themselves or their choices; just let "whatever happens, happen" - and then end up playing the "victim".

 

 

QFT. Especially the inner confidence and complete acceptance of oneself. I struggle with this.

[ditzchic]

I don't know if it has so much to do with "deal breakers" as it does with long term compatibility. I'm with you, I find that if I'm really into someone and we have good chemistry that I tend to get a little more flexible with the deal breakers. But that doesn't always mean that the long term compatibility is there and at this point in the game that's pretty much what I'm looking for.

 

I've dated some amazing guys with who were looking for something serious who looked great on paper and were genuinely good people but there were things so different about our base personalities that it just wouldn't work in the long term. Sure we could have sustained it for a few months, maybe even years but when the shine inevitably faded there wouldn't be much there. I'd much rather follow my gut feeling on that in the beginning than get caught up in the mess that would follow if you denied your gut feeling.

 

Finding the permanent one is rarely easy for anyone. But it's ok because the stuff that's really worth it in life is never the easy stuff.

[TrueColors]

...inner confidence and complete acceptance of oneself. I struggle with this.

 

Me too. It's so hard to really believe "I'm not perfect, but that's ok" (Although I don't think it should give one licence to act however they please either )

 

I don't know if it has so much to do with "deal breakers" as it does with long term compatibility. I'm with you, I find that if I'm really into someone and we have good chemistry that I tend to get a little more flexible with the deal breakers. But that doesn't always mean that the long term compatibility is there and at this point in the game that's pretty much what I'm looking for.

 

I guess for me, the term "deal-breaker" is linked to one's core values - such as those I've listed above - and would NOT be flexible in my book, ie.e. the things that you wouldn't be willing to compromise on.

 

This means way more than deciding to break-up with someone over something trivial, e.g. you don't like their "style"/ a particular body part / the way they laugh / interests, etc.

 

I'm also at the point of questioning chemistry vs. compatibility. The way I see it: chemistry is the "spark"; the initial attraction that gets you "attracted", be that through looks or common interests (or if you're lucky, both!).

 

However, as pointed out, chemistry does NOT necessarily equate compatibility. Compatibility, for me, means sharing the same or similar core values (and actually practicing them as opposed to preaching them).

 

I've dated some amazing guys with who were looking for something serious who looked great on paper and were genuinely good people but there were things so different about our base personalities that it just wouldn't work in the long term.

 

Yep, I've been in this position too. This is why I think it's worth getting to the crux of what one truly wants/needs to be able to sustain a healthy, long-term relationship (which may or may not involve marriage), way after the "honeymoon period" has faded.

 

Finding the permanent one is rarely easy for anyone. But it's ok because the stuff that's really worth it in life is never the easy stuff.

 

I really do believe this as well.

 

It's a shame that the ex didn't see it like that - and neither did I in my previous relationships before him.

[Heinrich]

 

• How can I find someone to respect, if I don't respect myself?
  
• How can I find someone to care about, when I don't take care of myself?
  
• How can I trust someone if I don't trust myself?
  
• How can I find someone who's honest, if I'm not honest with myself?
  
• How can I find love, if I don't even "love" myself?
  

 

 

This is, quite possibly, the most intelligent / best thing I've read on this site.

A lot of people think that they are ready for either a relationship (a serious one) or marriage, because they think that stability will fix them.

 

According to wiki,

"Humans have a universal want to belong and to love which is satisfied within an intimate relationship.

-Intimate relationships consist of the people that we are attracted to, whom we like and love, romantic and sexual relationships, and those whom we marry and provide and receive emotional and personal support from.

-Intimate relationships provide people with a social network of people that provide strong emotional attachments and fulfill our universal need of belonging and the need to be cared for."

 

If this is true, which it is, how can you do any of that if you can't love and care for yourself.

People love people with confidence, because since they have such a firm understanding and love for themselves, they are able to be a rock to their partner.

 

Who provides better emotional / personal support?

- The person who is, themselves, emotionally and personally unstable, or the

one who is emotionally stable and confident in their own person?

 

My deal breakers are:

 

• Someone who doesn't have a good sense of personal hygene.
  
• Someone who is manipulative.
  
• Someone who is condescending.
  
• Someone who is unable to take into consideration the thoughts and views of others.
  
• Someone who is incapable of expressing themselves.
  
• Someone who doesn't appreciate their self.
  
• Someone who is aggressive or physically violent.
  
• Someone who is looking for a relationship in which either sex is the focal point or is under the impression that their "partner" or "companion" shouldn't be their best friend.
  

 

I'm sure there are more, but these are a few major ones.

[threebyfate]

My take as a relationship girl. I've never settled or wasted much time on non-relationship style men. Funnily enough, most of my adult life has been spent either in relationships or married. Weird how that works...