I don't understand what I am doing wrong or not doing.

[Jim046]

Never thought I would ask this question.

 

About me, I am 26, longest relationship 4-5 months. 99% of the time the girl ended it, or I ended it for them because they were not honest enough to do so themselves. I am a very honest person and tell everything how it is. Very open about everything, talkative but I know when to shut up. My buddies all tell me I have "a pretty good bead on things". Whatever that means..

 

It seems I have little to no luck at finding a companion, even when I am not looking. I have female friends that are married I talk to often. They told me to stop trying to look for someone, the right one will find you. So I did. Nothing seems to have changed, for the last year or better.

 

I get out quite a bit. 5-6 days a week I am out somewhere, I rarely spend a night at home alone. Usually stop for dinner and a few beers then go home. There are 2 girls that come with on occasion, one I don't want to date and the other I tried and got shot down. Ill go out with a few buddies and cut loose a few times a month. I don't think it is the fact I am not "out" to see what I out there.

 

I am a bit quiet at first but it just takes a minute and I am the life of the party. I don't have any trouble talking to girls. I feel as though I have been looked over a million times though.

 

Most of the time when I go out and there are other girls/women around, I get hit on by the older women. Here is an example.

 

Several buddies and I went out one night, out of town. We had another friend that lived a block from the bar, figured on crashing at his place. We showed up, got a table. A few hours later the guys I came with were all up chatting/dancing/acting a fool elsewhere. I got up for a refill and instead of sitting back at our table I plop myself down at a table with 6 girls at it, all married as I found out later. Ages from 28-46, it was better than sitting by myself. Regular conversation took off quickly. Two of the oldest ones really latched onto me (surprise )... They tell me how great I am and how I am going to meet some great girl someday, I have everything going for me, good job, good looks and fun to be around. They wish I was around when they were dating. No ****, heard that one before(heard it a lot!). The youngest of the 2 tried to get me to take her home, that didn't pan out for her. The oldest went so far as to find me on facebook the next day and send me a msg telling me that I was such a catch and will really make someone happy. Mind you, I didn't sit down with some sob story to tell them. They just asked if I was single and I said yes and left it at that.

 

That was a wild night. All 6 of them ended up at my buddies later on. They left from there at 8am. I haven't been up that late since I was in highschool.

 

Fast forward a few months. One of the bartenders at a place I eat dinner at, pulls me aside one evening, 2 days before she gets married. We had been friends for a few years, even before she started bartending part time. She asks me why I never asked her out when she was single. WHAT?!?! Absolutely gorgeous girl, going to school, really has her head on straight. Everyone said wtf when she started bartending for some extra money. Hell I didn't know what to say. So I just told her that I just thought she would have said no if I asked her out. I thought about it but it seemed like she was just a friend. She just tells me I should have and left it at that.. WEIRD!

 

Not a week later the same thing happens, except it is at her wedding reception. I gave the same response.

 

 

That really got me thinking that I must be doing something seriously wrong.

 

So all the sudden I feel like the gay guy or something. Girls love it when I am around. They call me and ask me to come around. I have made several people jealous because their girlfriends are hanging around me at a party. I don't mean to. It's not like I am hitting on them. I'm not a home wrecker, If I was I could have slept with a gaggle of married women by now. I wouldn't want to be cheated on so I am not going to do it myself. The single ones I like and get to know, I ask out, I always get shot down. I haven't been on a date in over a year but I haven't asked that many girls out due to the "quit trying and the right girl will come around thing" ...

 

I have tried dating quite a few "different" girls. The girl that came from nothing to the girl with movie star parents. Figured I would play both ends of the spectrum. All ends the same.

 

There is nothing about me out of the ordinary that I know other than I am who I am. Average height and weight 5'10, 180. Still have a full set of chompers and all my hair :D

 

Is there something I need to do different? Do I just keep down the path of quit trying?

 

 

 

Guess I don't know when to shut up, sorry for the long post. Guess I am venting a bit!

[Badenov]

Are you a typical "Nice Guy"? Do women feel "safe" with you? Are you non-threatening? Are most of your relationships with girls on the rebound?

 

Maybe you're trying too hard to charm them. Try being more aloof. Let them wonder what you're thinking.

[Jim046]

It is hard for me to be the *******. Rebounds. Yes... Seems like all I have ever been is a filler. I dunno. A couple girls I have been after told me they had never had someone treat her so good and give her the good times they had. Good times as in, just going out and having fun. When I mentioned any sort of dating, they clammed up and ran off. I just feel like because I am nice I just get over looked. But, and a huge BUT, on the turn around, I end up with conversations where the girls just want to meet a nice guy. That has happened a dozen times or more. Make friends and they talk to me about how they want the perfect guy.. Granted I am easy to talk to, I have regular conversations with the devil.

 

I don't get it. I am tired of it. I wanted to start a family 6 years ago. I was in the position to do so, it just never happened. I never once lead on like that was my intentions. Now I have grown older that is something that crosses my mind daily.

I have never talked with another girl about kids if your thinking I am the "hi whats your name, what are we going to name our kids" type.

I am the only one left and want to keep the family going.

 

What a fun life.

[AHardDaysNight]

Beats me. I've never been in your place, so can't say.

[Badenov]

I end up with conversations where the girls just want to meet a nice guy. That has happened a dozen times or more. Make friends and they talk to me about how they want the perfect guy...

 

I've been hearing this crap from women my whole life. Truth is, they only think they know what they want. When they start to tell you this BS, just change the subject as fast as you can.

 

My only advice to you is stop worrying about being what they want and ask yourself whether they deserve a nice guy like you. Think of it as a poker game: Don't show them your cards until they throw some chips into the pot.

[Zaphod B]

I'm afraid I don't have a lot of suggestions with this one, but I do have to say that advice about just waiting for the right person to come along instead of searching for her, is a crock. It never worked for me, that's for sure. I had to put myself out there, I had to make approaches, I had to work to get what I've got in my life. No silver platters being handed to me, that's for sure. There ain't no ideal woman lined up by God for you who will just fall into your lap at the right time.

 

I consider myself an average looking guy with not much in the way of sex appeal. It wasn't that long ago whereI would go into a social situation and try to catch the eye of someone. If I managed to catch the eye, maybe get a smile or a few more glances, I'd go up and talk to her. More often than not, even when I did get a few glances or smiles some other guy would get in there before I could anyway. Someone who didn't wait for glances or smiles.

 

The other problem was that very rarely did any woman ever give me a second glance. In fact I'd often sit there bewildered because many women just wouldn't even look my way at all. Many would just pass by and not even glance at me.

 

I figured out that the only way a guy like me could get attention was to get in their faces. I had to make them see me and make them get a taste of my personality. So I was forced to get out of my comfort zone and approach women, rather than just trying to catch their eye. I had to move in and strike up a conversation. It's certainly bore more fruit than just sitting around waiting and hoping to get noticed that's for sure!

 

Anyway, that might not be all that relevent to this thread, (although a lot more relevent than these two spammers before me) as you seem to be the sort of person that does get out there, but I just had to comment anyway.

[spiderowl]

It could be that it's just a matter of time before the right girl for you comes along. I don't agree that nice guys don't get the girls. Boring guys don't get the girls and nice guys are not boring. I wish I could meet a nice guy! I do meet nice guys but there are often problems with them which make them unsuitable. So here are some of the problems. As long as you are not doing any of these, you should be OK:

 

- smokes (for most non-smokers a smoker is out of the question)

- smelly (washing and brushing teeth is vital)

- drinks too much (you might not think you drink too much but if you drink more than 2 pints a night more than 3 times a week, girls will be wondering if you are a budding alcoholic)

- too overweight and clearly doing nothing about it (no-one is perfect but a slight woman is not going to want to be squashed when making love - it's important to appear to be trying to get to a reasonable weight)

- doesn't listen (no-one wants to spend time with a guy who does all the talking)

- is racist, sexist, politically extreme, money-grabbing, self-centred

- always talks about sex (nothing wrong with sex but a guy who is always bringing the subject up and can't talk about anything else is creepy!)

- eyeing up other women (if you are trying to chat a girl up, then eyeing up other women or always paying attention to another girl if she's there is not a good move. The girl you are chatting up will think you are more interested in others than her and will feel offended. She will drop you before you've got started.)

- being boring (pay attention to whether a girl is interested in the conversations you are having with your friends and her - you may think she is because she's there, but she may be being polite. If she's smiling, animated and joining in, she's probably interested.)

 

Things you can do that might help are to make gentle physical approaches to women, e.g. light touch on the arm, hand on the shoulder, taking their hand to show them somewhere, that kind of thing. If they resist and move away, they are not interested. It is a good thing to do with girls you like and want because otherwise they won't know you are interested and they will gradually feel more comfortable with you physically. This also puts you in the possible boyfriends category.

 

I hope something works for you because you do sound like a nice guy. Maybe you are not building the flirting and physical bridges and so when you ask them out you are taking women by surprise. In that instance, they might turn you down because they are thrown by it. If you build up to it with signs of interest, like paying attention, flirting and touching, they will know to expect a request for a date. Good luck.

[Jim046]

More often than not, even when I did get a few glances or smiles some other guy would get in there before I could anyway. Someone who didn't wait for glances or smiles.

 

That is called cockblocking as they say :rolleyes:

 

Get in there and grab her attention. I do it all the time. When I speak people listen, always have. Why I don't know but a one on one conversation at a party will turn onto one on several conversation quite quickly.

 

It could be that it's just a matter of time before the right girl for you comes along. I don't agree that nice guys don't get the girls. Boring guys don't get the girls and nice guys are not boring. I wish I could meet a nice guy! I do meet nice guys but there are often problems with them which make them unsuitable. So here are some of the problems. As long as you are not doing any of these, you should be OK:

 

- smokes (for most non-smokers a smoker is out of the question)

- smelly (washing and brushing teeth is vital)

- drinks too much (you might not think you drink too much but if you drink more than 2 pints a night more than 3 times a week, girls will be wondering if you are a budding alcoholic)

- too overweight and clearly doing nothing about it (no-one is perfect but a slight woman is not going to want to be squashed when making love - it's important to appear to be trying to get to a reasonable weight)

- doesn't listen (no-one wants to spend time with a guy who does all the talking)

- is racist, sexist, politically extreme, money-grabbing, self-centred

- always talks about sex (nothing wrong with sex but a guy who is always bringing the subject up and can't talk about anything else is creepy!)

- eyeing up other women (if you are trying to chat a girl up, then eyeing up other women or always paying attention to another girl if she's there is not a good move. The girl you are chatting up will think you are more interested in others than her and will feel offended. She will drop you before you've got started.)

- being boring (pay attention to whether a girl is interested in the conversations you are having with your friends and her - you may think she is because she's there, but she may be being polite. If she's smiling, animated and joining in, she's probably interested.)

 

Things you can do that might help are to make gentle physical approaches to women, e.g. light touch on the arm, hand on the shoulder, taking their hand to show them somewhere, that kind of thing. If they resist and move away, they are not interested. It is a good thing to do with girls you like and want because otherwise they won't know you are interested and they will gradually feel more comfortable with you physically. This also puts you in the possible boyfriends category.

 

I hope something works for you because you do sound like a nice guy. Maybe you are not building the flirting and physical bridges and so when you ask them out you are taking women by surprise. In that instance, they might turn you down because they are thrown by it. If you build up to it with signs of interest, like paying attention, flirting and touching, they will know to expect a request for a date. Good luck.

 

I seem perfect in your eyes other than the political thing, certain things I will argue and know I am right but I hate bringing up politics, and the money thing. I have worked my ass off for years to have what I have. I don't live lavish but am not afraid to spend the money I have. I work 12+ hours a day six or seven days a week so I can have what I have. I donate money every year to certain organizations. Been accused of still having my lunch money from the third grade.. Doesn't bother me.

 

 

Had a long conversation tonight with the bartender girl that told me I should have asked her out when she was single. I could still ask her out and screw up her marriage but won't. She just tells me I am awesome. WEIRD!!!

[Jim046]

so I guess I just keep going down this path?

[KathyM]

You have to make the effort if you want to get the prize. Most attractive women worth pursuing are not going to approach you. They have plenty of men pursuing them. They don't need to be the pursuer. The women that are not as in demand are the ones that go after men and initiate. The attractive ones generally are used to men pursuing them, and that is what they expect. If you are not willing to do that, you're not going to meet many women. I don't know why you are striking out with the women that you do go out with. Without meeting you or knowing more information, I would just be guessing with no information to go on.

[Zaphod B]

I think Kathy is on to it and it certainly gives me encouragement that I've come to the right conclusion myself.

[Badenov]

Most attractive women worth pursuing are not going to approach you. They have plenty of men pursuing them. They don't need to be the pursuer.

 

. . . and this is why most attractive women complain about the men who hit on them. Most "nice guys" don't go around hitting on attractive women, arrogant jerks do. Then they bitch that all men are arrogant jerks. Most won't take the time to give a nice guy a chance: encourage him & cultivate a relationship.

 

Not to say a nice guy can't initiate. But if she's going to make you chase her, move on.

[Queue]

. . . and this is why most attractive women complain about the men who hit on them. Most "nice guys" don't go around hitting on attractive women, arrogant jerks do. Then they bitch that all men are arrogant jerks. Most won't take the time to give a nice guy a chance: encourage him & cultivate a relationship.

 

Not to say a nice guy can't initiate. But if she's going to make you chase her, move on.

 

Then how does a nice guy initiate?

I've no experience with this, and am in a similar boat as the OP however mine is from lack of relationships. The ones I have been in have lasted years. That said as I am also 26, that doesn't leave me for much experience. I'm fine after I get through the first 3-4 dates but trying to nail that first date and making it to the second I just fall on my face.

 

So how does a truly honest and caring individual who's extremely shy and rather insecure go about getting in there and not staying in a far corner?

 

All of my friends are pigs, everything they try to get me to do really doesn't fit my morals and I don't want to be someone i'm not. Yet they somehow have women trailing behind them all the time. I almost feel like I have to be the ******* to get a girl i'm attracted to. I don't go to bars often at all and I don't ever go to clubs so that limits me a bit too I guess.

[AHardDaysNight]

Beats me. I am 28, and never been in a relationship.

 

If I have to be the pursuer to get a girl, and girls don't want the same equal rights...yet want equal rights...

 

I just don't understand that mentality.

[rafeal]

 

Had a long conversation tonight with the bartender girl that told me I should have asked her out when she was single. I could still ask her out and screw up her marriage but won't. She just tells me I am awesome. WEIRD!!!

 

I would take bartenders and waitstaff with a grain of salt, I worked in that industry. Their occupation is one of sales and they do/say what is necessary to keep people coming back in.

 

So how does a truly honest and caring individual who's extremely shy and rather insecure go about getting in there and not staying in a far corner?

 

 

Get some friends that you can go out with who will help you open up, approach and talk to women. Or just start talking to women in general. Pick 5 a day and say hello, talk to all types of women.