Jump to content

how can i make friends in college?


Recommended Posts

it's a little more complicated of a problem than it sounds.

 

my entire life, i've made friends with the wrong people. in any way you make it, i've had friends that ****ed me over. from emotional abuse to taking advantage of me, i've seen it all.

 

i don't know why i make terrible friends. somehow i end up attracted to the people who have a sense of authority over me. the people who view themselves higher than others, i end up being their footstool. i just let it happen. then later i realize how dishonest they were and how cruel they were, and i split and never talk to them again.

 

i do have friends who treat me as a friend should. so i do know how to recognize *******s from genuine people. however, they are all in my hometown, and i am in a college thousands of miles away.

 

i'm trying to get out of that cycle and start being friends with people who won't take advantage of me, but i don't exactly know which steps to take.

 

can anyone help me?

Link to post
Share on other sites
can anyone help me?

 

Hi mbpu. Sorry to hear you are having a hard time.

 

First things first: when you are choosing your friends, what is it that draws you to them? Is it their personality? Shared interests?

 

In what ways do you feel they are taking advantage of you?

 

Sounds like you need to learn how to be more assertive. Figure out what your boundaries are: what you will respect and tolerate in others. Observe how a person treats others, before deciding to become their friend. This may mean just being an 'acquaintance' for awhile, but at least you can be more cautious.

 

I understand how hard it is to keep genuine friendships, which take time to grow. I usually remember the saying "friendships quickly made, quickly fade", so I try not to give away my trust so soon. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it may just be easier to be alone for awhile, just concentrating on your studies.

Edited by TrueColors
Link to post
Share on other sites

TELL ME ABOUT IT!!! I had the EXACT SAME problem when I was in Junior School. I'd try to act all fawny-fawny on people and try to draw their attention, be meek and give in to their unjust views/opinions on me or anything else and I'd be forced to be quiet and accepting even when I knew it was ME who was right. Well, not that I was a wimp always---I never took it down when anybody went into a direct fight (argument or physical) with me, lol. :p

 

Things started to change when I got in high school---and further when I got into college. I made friends, and shed all my inhibitions about being assertive. I turned over a total new leaf, and all my previous anxiety was gone.

 

However, a friend-realted mishap threatened to break me apart in college as well...two girls, with whom I was best buddies, ditched me without warning, and I was left alone in the lurch...it was a shock for me that would've turned into a life-long trauma had I not been the new me I was in colleeg. I was brave about it..walked around with my head high, went around with life before eevryone as before----but I was close to shattered inside. I could no longer get close to anybody in that way again..I made lots of pals but no "buddies" that way. However, I was HELL EBNT on keeping my head high and being myself all through. It was excruciatingly painful...but I prevailed. It gradually wore away, and I was like before again. Though, my friends-luck never changed. By the time I got over them completely, it was too late for me to get in a new group. But I never let this botheration take CENTRESTAGE in me.

 

It took me quite a while to come to terms with what happened with me, but now I'm normal...much much better than two years back. I still have problems being myself sometimes when with specific groups, but I'm a regular person elsewhere.

 

SO, MY FRIEND---you could see I've been through worse than you have. And all through this---the single most important lesson that Life-bitch's taught me, is to NEVER LEAVE YOUR OWN SIDE. Never---but never, let anyone convince you that you're "not worth it". Sounds cheesy--but its truer than Truth! My impulsive refual to "go back into a shell" and accept "I wrong everyone" was what ultimately helped me climb my way back to out of the trauma...and with persistence, your social anxiety will go away too. Although your case is different than mine---I never had generalized socil anxiety like you seem to---but, you must apply the formula all the same....TELL YOURSELF---REPEATEDLY--about the things you're good at, the instances you've been praised, what makes you better than most others...ABSORB THOSE THOUGHTS. You will prevail, believe me. You will.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Hi mbpu. Sorry to hear you are having a hard time.

 

First things first: when you are choosing your friends, what is it that draws you to them? Is it their personality? Shared interests?

 

In what ways do you feel they are taking advantage of you?

 

Sounds like you need to learn how to be more assertive. Figure out what your boundaries are: what you will respect and tolerate in others. Observe how a person treats others, before deciding to become their friend. This may mean just being an 'acquaintance' for awhile, but at least you can be more cautious.

 

I understand how hard it is to keep genuine friendships, which take time to grow. I usually remember the saying "friendships quickly made, quickly fade", so I try not to give away my trust so soon. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it may just be easier to be alone for awhile, just concentrating on your studies.

in my most natural state and among my very good friends, i'm a very excitable, sweet, helpful, energetic, optimistic, confident, thoughtful, and fun. that's what they've always told me, anyway. but when i'm in a new environment, i'm very self-conscious, shy, quiet, meek, and nervous. it's two completely opposite ways of being.

 

naturally i'm very sociable but since i've come here to college i've kind of kept to myself, much like i did when i was younger.

 

what attracts me to these bullies is their "confidence", the way they are so sure about what they say and how they feel about things. usually i'll agree with what they say because it's how i feel, too. but there are some parts that i may not agree with but gloss over for the sake of being friends with them.

 

they take advantage of me by abusing my trust, using me as a safety net when everyone else turns against them, generally treating me horribly, and there has been an occasion involving getting me drunk and basically i did something i regret.

 

before and after i made this post i've been working very hard on being confident in every step i take and making sure i'm not trying to impress anybody. i've just been going about doing my thing because *I* want to, and not because someone else tells me to. i've been making some acquaintances here and there but i'm yearning to make a really good friend but i feel like it's impossible. no one here that i've met seems like a good match for me, and i can't tell if it's my own fault.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
SO, MY FRIEND---you could see I've been through worse than you have. And all through this---the single most important lesson that Life-bitch's taught me, is to NEVER LEAVE YOUR OWN SIDE. Never---but never, let anyone convince you that you're "not worth it". Sounds cheesy--but its truer than Truth! My impulsive refual to "go back into a shell" and accept "I wrong everyone" was what ultimately helped me climb my way back to out of the trauma...and with persistence, your social anxiety will go away too. Although your case is different than mine---I never had generalized socil anxiety like you seem to---but, you must apply the formula all the same....TELL YOURSELF---REPEATEDLY--about the things you're good at, the instances you've been praised, what makes you better than most others...ABSORB THOSE THOUGHTS. You will prevail, believe me. You will.

 

thank you so much for your advice! it does help :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

oh god 3rd reply in a row sorry, for some reason it won't let me edit my posts so...

 

 

CLUME- i'm going to join a biology club because there's a lot of activity in it that i want to do (hiking, kayaking, even a shark cage) and it's open to all majors and seems like a good way to meet people. the first meeting isn't until thursday but i'm very excited

Link to post
Share on other sites

Read up on assertiveness training. It will help you to stand up for yourself and improve relations with friends, family, colleagues etc etc.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...