Social phobia around women...how to get over it?

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I recognize that women aren't any different than men, and that they won't bite me or anything. However, I still get extremely nervous around beautiful women, and have a hard time talking to them.

 

How does a shy and socially anxious guy get over this? I just saw a cute girl at an restaurant, who works there, and I've wanted to ask her out for a while...but the fear of actually mumbling the words, "So, you wanna go out for coffee sometime?" seems so strong.

[I am healed]

well, I've had some experience approaching random girls. And from my experience more times than not it won't amount to anything. However, what I have found is that sometimes it does translate to a phonenumber.

 

I think that that anxiety that comes before the approach only builds the longer you wait and stare at her. You have to act quick before you talk yourself out of it using the many billion excuses your brain will automatically generate. I find that a quick positive image helps relax the mind and encourage and approach. So before talking to a girl you just quickly visualize it going well, this will make you feel happy and confident, it doesn't mean things will work out, but it certainly improves your tendency to approach.

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I think that that anxiety that comes before the approach only builds the longer you wait and stare at her. You have to act quick before you talk yourself out of it using the many billion excuses your brain will automatically generate. I find that a quick positive image helps relax the mind and encourage and approach. So before talking to a girl you just quickly visualize it going well, this will make you feel happy and confident, it doesn't mean things will work out, but it certainly improves your tendency to approach.

 

You're absolutely right.

 

Even if you're not Brad Pitt in looks, and are just an average joe, approaching the situation with the idea that "Okay, she's beautiful, but she's not perfect", would probably translate better to your body language, than you being down on yourself.

 

The problem is that I tend to disbelieve that I'm good looking, and tend to put myself down. I'm my own worst enemy, even my therapist has said so.

 

I just want suggestions for someone who suffers from social anxiety and has trouble approaching people period, out of shyness. Is someone like me better able to internet date than 'real life' date? After all, as I've mentioned, I've had three internet 'relationships'...perhaps if I started it on the internet, and carried it off the internet, I'd get somewhere?

[I am healed]

well internet can work as well as long as you are giving an honest potrayal of yourself online with your description and pictures because at the end of the day your going to meet.

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I've never lied over the internet. That's one good thing about me, I guess.

[I am healed]

muse though, I'm going to be honest with you, I really think you should work on improving your own self image before you continue going after the girls. Because if you don't like who you are, or the way you look girls will pick up on this by observing your behavior and you won't have success.

 

fix yourself first, and then go after the girls.

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

muse though, I'm going to be honest with you, I really think you should work on improving your own self image before you continue going after the girls. Because if you don't like who you are, or the way you look girls will pick up on this by observing your behavior and you won't have success.

 

fix yourself first, and then go after the girls.

 

I don't think it's really even that. I've already 'improved' my image a bit - got new glasses, got a new wardrobe, got a different haircut, etc.

 

And I'm working on losing the extra pounds I have. I believe that's what holds me back, because it's the source of my insecurity.

 

But I agree. I just really am lonely, and would like to meet a nice girl soon.

Edited January 19, 2011 by LeaningIntoTheMuse

[Eeyore79]

The type of girl you're looking for will probably like the type of guy you are. I'm a quiet, bespectacled girl, and I actively prefer a quiet, bespectacled guy - my boyfriend is shy and a bit nerdy, wears glasses, and I think he's perfect. I wouldn't want to date (for example) an extrovert guy with tattoos who liked pop music and football; he wouldn't be my type and we'd have nothing in common. So if you aim for girls you seem to have something in common with, you might have more success. Don't assume that girls won't be interested because you're not a certain type of guy - different people are attracted to different things.

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

The type of girl you're looking for will probably like the type of guy you are. I'm a quiet, bespectacled girl, and I actively prefer a quiet, bespectacled guy - my boyfriend is shy and a bit nerdy, wears glasses, and I think he's perfect. I wouldn't want to date (for example) an extrovert guy with tattoos who liked pop music and football; he wouldn't be my type and we'd have nothing in common. So if you aim for girls you seem to have something in common with, you might have more success. Don't assume that girls won't be interested because you're not a certain type of guy - different people are attracted to different things.

 

Well, the "crush" I have at the Indian food place, she doesn't wear glasses, but she has sort of a quiet and introverted personality. She also seems to light up whenever I come in...not sure if that's overall friendliness (because of her job), or if that's because she likes me.

 

I should probably give it a shot. I eat there a lot, so I see her a lot (she's always like, "Back again?" ) It would make things awkward if I got turned down, though, because she'd have to wait on me; I'd have to eat somewhere else, and stop going there.

[Eeyore79]

Nah, it wouldn't be awkward - you would make yourself feel awkward because she turned you down, but the awkwardness is all in your head. Even if she says no, she's still flattered to have been asked out; a lot of guys would get turned down and would still pester her playfully whenever they saw her (cheeky grin, and "Hey beautiful, have you changed your mind about that date yet?")

 

Taking rejection personally is why you're so scared of it to begin with! If you can overcome this fear of rejection you'll find it much easier to approach women. You need to have a confident "I'm a prize and it's her loss if she doesn't date me" kind of attitude. The first time my boyfriend asked me out I actually turned him down, and it took a few months for me to agree to date him!

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Thanks Eeyore, that makes me feel a lot better.

[Eeyore79]

The first time my boyfriend asked me out, I thought he was attractive but I was already interested in someone else, and I was waiting to see if the someone else was interested in me. So I didn't turn him down because I didn't fancy him, if you see what I mean. It turned out that the someone else wasn't interested in a relationship, so when my boyfriend asked me out again a couple of months later I accepted.

 

My point is, you can't know why a girl turns you down. Maybe she's already interested in someone else, or she's hung up on an ex and still hurting, or she only fancies white/black/Asian/whatever type guys... you probably assume that if a girl turns you down it's because you're unattractive, and that isn't necessarily the case. Even if it is the case, it just means you're not that particular girl's type, it doesn't mean that every girl will find you unattractive. You have to stop being paranoid; just ask girls out, and if they say no, don't take it personally - just shrug it off as being the wrong girl/wrong time and move on to the next one.

[Disillusioned]

FWIW I try to avoid dealing directly with VGL women because they intimidate the hell out of me.

[Eeyore79]

FWIW I try to avoid dealing directly with VGL women because they intimidate the hell out of me.

You'd be surprised how common this attitude is. The result is that the women who are above average but not intimidatingly beautiful get all the attention, while the truly beautiful women are only approached by cocky and confident douchebags who make terrible boyfriends. It sucks if you're a pretty girl, because all the nice guys keep their distance

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

You'd be surprised how common this attitude is. The result is that the women who are above average but not intimidatingly beautiful get all the attention, while the truly beautiful women are only approached by cocky and confident douchebags who make terrible boyfriends. It sucks if you're a pretty girl, because all the nice guys keep their distance

 

There is definitely something true to this.

 

And then the gorgeous girls expect to be treated badly, because all their ex boyfriends did. So if a nice guy shows up, she is clueless because she thinks there's something wrong with the relationship.

 

I have a sister who basically went with this attitude. I think she's starting to wake up, though.

[Feelin Frisky]

OP, do you have any social anxiety other than in the presence of beautiful women? Like public speaking or taking leadership in scenes that call for someone to take control?

 

If so you might want to consider that social anxiety is not a function of fear. It is a function of "chemistry" which manifests as the thing we call fear. To make a long story short (and even if your "nervousness" is confined to women), there is one relatively new and dependable way to learn the ins and outs of how to manage one's feelings and that is by taking some control over one's chemistry through SSRI medications. This is not to say that you need always take them--just that if you see a psychiatrist and tell him or her that you want to see if you can overcome this impediment by way of medication they will usually accommodate you and work with you to try some med therapies. Like me you may come to be very pleased with results--I gained perspectives I just never would have been able to if I just continued to bubble in my own extreme chemistry. There was no down side to this--the risks of "suicidal thoughts" and all those things drug companies are "required" to say in ads are a tiny exception to the norm of the med working for most everyone.

 

I'm suggesting at least trying it for a while and testing out your "gut" under new "stresses" and see if you learn any internal ways to think to avoid the flood of fear chemistry. Good luck.

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I've been diagnosed with social anxiety, yes. And I do have a lot of 'fears' regarding social situations. I seem to have all of them under control, though, except for this one pesky situation regarding women and dating.

 

I can approach women, if I desire nothing more than friendship. However, if I want more than that, I tend to freeze up, and become anxious.

[Feelin Frisky]

I've been diagnosed with social anxiety, yes. And I do have a lot of 'fears' regarding social situations. I seem to have all of them under control, though, except for this one pesky situation regarding women and dating.

 

I can approach women, if I desire nothing more than friendship. However, if I want more than that, I tend to freeze up, and become anxious.

 

 

I saw a doctor for the disarray I found myself in after the most disappointing breakup of my life. I don't know how much was depression or what have you but he prescribed Prozac. Over the next few months the medication helped me discover so much about myself and my make up. It also led me to a place where I understood for the first time how to think and not just what to think so that I could keep my feelings from spilling out into gut insanity--fear and loathing in the stomach. I didn't think I had social anxiety before that but I noticed along the way that I no longer had butterflies at all in any social setting. It turns out I actually was quite bottled up--probably in large part to my obesity as a boy and how people hurt me every day over it. Suddenly this medicine leveled the playing field and I found myself knowing that I was a good-looking grown-up man that no one was keeping back except myself. I can't say enough about the potentials that may come with exploring SSRI medication therapies to find all kinds of hidden power to be masters of our gut.

[I am healed]

I see VGL and normal looking girls the same, and I find them about the same difficulty to approach. I treat them all equal, in fact I very rarely 'hit on a girl' usually I just get a conversation going and see how it goes. I don't pay attention to looks too much as long as I find the girl attractive I'll talk to her. I look for friendship first. A lot of guys will say this is an ineffective approach but the way I see it if there is chemistry it will naturally unfold. I don't ever go out of my way to get a girl to like me I just talk to her like she's nothing special, like an equal nothing more nothing less. The biggest mistake I've seen from guys is treating a girl like they are below them and being clingy, or acting like they are above and better than them.

 

honestly over the last year of my life I've had to have done atleast 60 cold approaches. My number success rate was about 5. but my confidence and ability to talk to women has grown exponentially. And now I'm taking a break to work on myself relationships have kind of broken me down the last couple of years.

 

do you want to hear a storie which will make you feel better about the girl at the restaurant. This year I met this girl I liked in a club, and well I asked her out and she rejected me with no response. Well I had the option to not go to club, but I just brushed it off and now I still see her and it's not even a blur. Rejection really is a self created thing.

[Good Arms]

I saw a doctor for the disarray I found myself in after the most disappointing breakup of my life. I don't know how much was depression or what have you but he prescribed Prozac. Over the next few months the medication helped me discover so much about myself and my make up. It also led me to a place where I understood for the first time how to think and not just what to think so that I could keep my feelings from spilling out into gut insanity--fear and loathing in the stomach. I didn't think I had social anxiety before that but I noticed along the way that I no longer had butterflies at all in any social setting. It turns out I actually was quite bottled up--probably in large part to my obesity as a boy and how people hurt me every day over it. Suddenly this medicine leveled the playing field and I found myself knowing that I was a good-looking grown-up man that no one was keeping back except myself. I can't say enough about the potentials that may come with exploring SSRI medication therapies to find all kinds of hidden power to be masters of our gut.

 

I think I've reached the point where I need some SSRI medication for the depression I'm experiencing following my first break-up. I'm really scaring myself and feel like I'm losing my mind. I didn't realise they were supposed to help with social anxiety too. That's interesting to me. One thing that puts me off ADs is that I read they're supposed to reduce your sex drive. I was wondering if anyone found that to be true? I suppose that would be a blessing right now but if I ever found myself with a girlfriend again, and was still on ADs, I think that wouldn't exactly help with the performance anxiety I experienced before as I gradually built up confidence.

 

I'm very much like the OP, I know I have a general social anxiety (never treated) but it's far worse with women. Guess I've been love-shy all my life, until my ex went after me and I broke through a lot of those mental barriers. Now I feel the break-up has destroyed the confidence I built up. If SSRIs can improve social anxiety symptoms AND depression, I should probably stop putting off that visit to my doctor...

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Well, medication isn't a blessing. I'm on a beta blocker, and while it has cured some of my generalized anxiety (not involving relationships), I still get extremely anxious when put in a situation that would involve dating/love/sex/relationships. I suppose they don't make a pill just for that.

 

But desensitization is the key. I think the difference between me and healed is that he's taking proactive steps, and asking out women practically every day, so he's not being burned. I have trouble even asking out 'one' girl...and haven't had any overt female interest since 2008 (where the girl went after me.) In that regard, I simply am just sitting by, getting older and progressing nowhere with girls.

 

I recognize what I need to do, and I will take those steps. First step is, I will go to that Indian food place, sit down and have a nice dinner, and if the girl I'm crushing on is working that day, I will ask her out while I'm paying for my dinner at the end. I need to get over the fear of rejection, and honestly, all she can say is no. If I'm nice about it, and she's a nice person, she's not going to be pissed or anything.

[melodymatters]

I think a quick way to desensitize is to get used to being charming and friendly with woman of all ages and types, attractive or not, too old etc....

 

 

Once you feel comfortable with "your game" lol, it should become more natural to smile and chat about nothing and perhaps get a # from your server friend !

 

Ths is a quick fix, "fake it til you make it" suggestion, but half the time those have worked for me as well as actual therapy or medicaton.

 

Good luck

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

What is "game"? That's what I don't understand. People talk about all these things that make no sense.

 

If I like someone, I like them. Then I hope they'll like me back. They never have...therefore does that mean I don't have any "game"?

[melodymatters]

Yeah, I kinda hated usng that term, thats why I put it in quotations with the lol afterwards !

 

What I MEANT was simply that one needs practice to become comfortable with anything.

 

You wouldn't assume you could play tenns well if you had never picked up a racket, right ?

 

I'm applying the same logic here, but suggesting you get used to playfully bantering with women you DON'T find attractve, so that you are used to being comfortable and playful with women in general, THEN you might be less likely to " freeze up" when interacting wth women you DO find attractive !

 

Just something to try !

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Makes sense!