Jump to content

"Adult" Friends


Recommended Posts

As a recent college graduate, job-seeking in this economy has been very frustrating. The inability to find a "career" makes me feel as though my growth as an individual has been stunted. I have student loans to pay, a parent who will soon need my support, a car to fix, etc, etc.

 

At the same time, I realize that when/if I DO obtain a "career", it will result in drastic changes to my social life. Unfortunately, I kept work and play seperate while in school, so that my group of friends consists almost entirely of guys I knew from highschool (ie - awake at noon, 2nd shift job, up until 5am drinking. Rinse, repeat, recycle).

 

It seems that "most" people have "adult" friends with whom they can meet up for happy hour, hang out on weekends, etc. That I dont have such a social network scares me, to the point that my fear is acting against the desire to obtain a career/relationship. "Hanging out" late is all I've known for the past 12 years or so, and I fear that the transition to adulthood will/would leave me lonely and yearning for the good ol' "college days".

 

I can't understand how so many people can just throw caution to the wind and move across the country for the sake of a career, leaving friends & family behind. I also can't envision being satisfied hanging out with the people I (might) work with simply because I work with them. Can anyone out there identify with this?

Link to post
Share on other sites
stillafool

Calm down. You'll be fine. When you start work you will meet lots of new people through your career. You will be invited to parties where you will meet more people. Once you meet a girl you will meet her friends and families. Pretty soon your social calendar will be so full you won't know what to do. You will do all of this after work hours like everyone else. No you will not be able to party all night and sleep all day but I remember days when I would stay out til 2am get up at 7:00am, shower and go to work. Then guess what? I would do the same thing all over again the next night. Mine you, I was 22/23 at the time as I assume you are. Don't be afraid to live your life Sweetie, let go, it's a blast!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Calm down. You'll be fine. When you start work you will meet lots of new people through your career. You will be invited to parties where you will meet more people. Once you meet a girl you will meet her friends and families. Pretty soon your social calendar will be so full you won't know what to do. You will do all of this after work hours like everyone else. No you will not be able to party all night and sleep all day but I remember days when I would stay out til 2am get up at 7:00am, shower and go to work. Then guess what? I would do the same thing all over again the next night. Mine you, I was 22/23 at the time as I assume you are. Don't be afraid to live your life Sweetie, let go, it's a blast!

 

Thank you for your reply. To elaborate on my situation, I am over 30 years of age, and I've already met a girl. The "problem" is my inability to transition away from my current lifestyle because I am unable to find a middle ground between "college" life and "adult" life.

 

Law school is on the horizon and I expect to have little to no free time, especially if things get serious with the girl I'm seeing, as we live 45 minutes apart. Being a working adult, her social circle consists primarily of other working adults with kids who do NOT go out on weekdays and turn in early on weekends. Thus, my fear (irrational as it may be) is that I will find myself in a 4 year long situation of having friends in name only and that, should marriage and kids arise, I will find myself working 10 hour days only to come home, put the kids to bed, pass out, and repeat this process for 20 years or so. Sufficed to say, my issue, like most raised on this board, is multi-faceted and will evolve over time.

 

Thank you for your support.

Link to post
Share on other sites
The "problem" is my inability to transition away from my current lifestyle because I am unable to find a middle ground between "college" life and "adult" life.

That's because there ISN'T any "middle ground" between being a college kid and being a responsible adult. One 'lifestyle' ends when you start the other, and the second can't really get any momentum until you stop the first.

 

How you're doing it, you're just going to end up being an older (and older) person who is still engaging, or trying to engage, in "college kid" behaviour. It's gonna look and feel even sillier when you're over 35 years of age...and over 40 years of age.

 

That horrible, miserable, boring, soul-sucking life that you're envisioning for yourself does not HAVE to become your reality...but just being afraid of and trying to avoid it will not protect you. (In fact, is probably only going to assure that it is the exact life that you will have to look forward to.)

 

The only way out is to learn the life, relationship and coping skills that you will need in order to have the life that you REALLY want -- an exciting, inspired, happy, fulfilling, balanced life, I'm guessing? You'll not achieve that by indulging your fears and trying to avoid growing up!

Link to post
Share on other sites
stillafool
Thank you for your reply. To elaborate on my situation, I am over 30 years of age, and I've already met a girl. The "problem" is my inability to transition away from my current lifestyle because I am unable to find a middle ground between "college" life and "adult" life.

 

Law school is on the horizon and I expect to have little to no free time, especially if things get serious with the girl I'm seeing, as we live 45 minutes apart. Being a working adult, her social circle consists primarily of other working adults with kids who do NOT go out on weekdays and turn in early on weekends. Thus, my fear (irrational as it may be) is that I will find myself in a 4 year long situation of having friends in name only and that, should marriage and kids arise, I will find myself working 10 hour days only to come home, put the kids to bed, pass out, and repeat this process for 20 years or so. Sufficed to say, my issue, like most raised on this board, is multi-faceted and will evolve over time.

 

Thank you for your support.

 

 

Well if things get serious with this girl maybe you two can move in together so you can see each other more. Can you see that on the horizon?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
That's because there ISN'T any "middle ground" between being a college kid and being a responsible adult. One 'lifestyle' ends when you start the other, and the second can't really get any momentum until you stop the first.

 

I should have been more specific; in the way which I was viewing it, responsible adulthood includes parenthood. If I were able to find a "normal" 9-5 job, while having a group of friends who worked similar hours and were available for socializing during the evening hours, I would consider that a "middle ground" between partying until 4am versus having to leave work, pickong up kids from school, making dinner, helping with homework, watching a half-hour of tv, putting kids to bed, waking up 4 times throughout the night due to kids, then waking up at 6am to do it all again.

 

That, I would consider "boring, soul-sucking, etc, etc". It wouldn't be lonely, but I'm afraid of feeling "trapped" in that environment. Suppose one can't have it both ways, unless one is exceedingly wealthy.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Well if things get serious with this girl maybe you two can move in together so you can see each other more. Can you see that on the horizon?

 

It has happened before, and I dont doubt that eventually, she may want it to happen again. However, she already lives 25 minutes away from her job/career, so moving any further away is likely to be out of the question. (She has already stated that she isn't moving again unless its out of state, or shes married) For my part, moving in with her would mean a 40 minute drive each way to get to school, and given the lack of free time I will likely have, would ensure that I would virtually never see any of my friends aside from short visits on holidays.

Link to post
Share on other sites
in the way which I was viewing it, responsible adulthood includes parenthood.

Ah, that helps a bit (with my own understanding.)

 

I get that you believe that "responsible adulthood includes parenthood" -- that may be your individual truth, but it is not THE truth. There is a whole population of responsible adults who are not parents.

 

In any event. Parenthood does not have to be so soul-sucking, either. It is only your own vision that is so limited and limiting. Perhaps starting visualizing how you WANT it to look for you, instead of indulging your fearful and fantasy version of how it could/might/will look. The reality is going to be UP TO YOU. No one would suggest for you to just live down to your fantasy.

 

But. BEFORE you get to parenthood, you do still have time to be a childless responsible adult, and to experience how that feels and looks BEFORE you take the next step (of becoming a parent.) You might even decide that becoming a parent is not one of your callings for this lifetime. It is okay to honour your Soul/Life Purpose whatever it turns out to be...and regardless of what other people are expecting of you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
You might even decide that becoming a parent is not one of your callings for this lifetime. It is okay to honour your Soul/Life Purpose whatever it turns out to be...and regardless of what other people are expecting of you.

 

That is certainly a source of my present conflict; I keep weighing the pros and cons, yet I cannot concretely reach a conclusion. For the time being, the woman I am becoming increasingly involved with now adamantly wants children. She even made it a point to ask me what my stance was on the subject a few weeks after we started hanging out again.

 

While I am not especially introverted, neither am I particularly social. I waited a long time for this woman to be single, and never bothered seeking out another relationship after we broke up. Thus, in my mind, I'm thinking "now or never". Yet, I cannot predict what my attitude to child rearing will be in five years if I have a time consuming legal career, or if we'd even be able to afford children, etc, etc, etc.

 

That's the difference, I suppose, between dating someone for the first time and getting back together with someone who you've already dated. I suspect I would be "allowed" less time to make up my mind on these things.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Now you're getting somewhere! ;)

What does "being a parent" mean for you, on a personal level?

 

If, currently, it's all chores, responsibilities and obligations -- then you gotta tell her your current feelings.

And if, currently, it's more about bringing another human being into this world, to lead and guide her or him to grow, develop and reach full potential, and be happy and successful while you take delight and pleasure in watching this human being unfold -- then you gotta tell her your current feelings.

 

Either way, tell her that you have not yet made a decision on whether you do or do not see yourself in the role of parent at some point in the future.

It's not about her "allowing" you time to make that decision -- it is about your TAKING all the time you need to make the most important decision that you're ever gonna make in life.

 

In the interest of full disclosure, I'm childless by choice. I made the decision when I was a teenager, and I was honest from Day 1, with the man who would eventually become my husband (now my ex-husband.)

 

I would say the most important thing is for you to be 100% honest about your CURRENT thoughts and feelings. It sounds like you have not yet made a decision either way, and that's perfectly fine -- your absolute right -- but just be honest about all of it...especially with yourself (and then also with your g/f.)

 

EDIT TO ADD: Except for the Bill Gateses and Warren Buffets of this world, no couple can ever truly "afford" to have kids. Every single generation says the same thing, "If we'd have waited to be fully 'ready', emotionally, mentally, financially and spiritually...we never would have had a child." (So, take that one off your list of excuses. Just listen to your own heart and soul, about your life's purpose.)

Edited by Ronni_W
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

In the interest of full disclosure, I'm childless by choice. I made the decision when I was a teenager, and I was honest from Day 1, with the man who would eventually become my husband (now my ex-husband.)

 

At the risk of prying, I'd like to ask, what factors led you to make that decision? Everyone's situation is unique, and in my case I am an only child, no little cousins, and little likelihood that anyone else in my family is going to bring up a child. Thus, it seems like, in my "later years" (60+) that life would get rather monotonous without a younger generation coming up.

 

Of course, as noted, one of my fears of parenthood is the monotony that accompanies it, so clearly I dont an answer worked out. Furthermore, the fear of being stuck reading a book or going for a walk on weekends is not necessarily a good reason to take on such responsibility.

 

I would say the most important thing is for you to be 100% honest about your CURRENT thoughts and feelings. It sounds like you have not yet made a decision either way, and that's perfectly fine -- your absolute right -- but just be honest about all of it...especially with yourself (and then also with your g/f.)

 

I very much have not made a decision, but that was the same way I felt at 21, and 25, and now 30. At some point, one has to make a decision either way (raising a child when your 50 sounds a bit reckless to me, as it puts the child in a situation of not having parents there for them when they grow up) and I have no reason to believe that I am going to experience an epiphany.

 

The bigger issue is that, she isn't "officially" my GF. She wants to give it another try, and I know that means making decisions about marriage & children, which is a lot of have on one's plate. At some point, I'm sure she would say "I need to know now, or else...", and then I'm back to square one.

 

Life should really come with a pause button.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Just know that it's the quality of your friendship, not the quantity that counts.

 

That at least used to be my take on it, but then one friend joins a band and is gone on the road all the time, another one moves to a different country, etc, and the next thing I know, Friday means watching NBA double-header because the friends that are left all work 2nd shift.

 

Sometimes it seems like a "buckshot" approach would work just as well, I guess I should call it a "facebook" approach? Either way, thank you for your reply.

Link to post
Share on other sites
At the risk of prying, I'd like to ask, what factors led you to make that decision?

I think...well. One factor was that I didn't feel that I had the necessary wisdom, knowledge, self-control or skills. To me, parenthood is a HUGE responsibility and the MOST difficult and challenging job on the planet -- I honestly don't know how parents do it. I didn't think I could pull it off successfully: I would have been smothering and over-protective and, as a natural consequence, my kids would have ended up neurotic :laugh:

(raising a child when your 50 sounds a bit reckless to me, as it puts the child in a situation of not having parents there for them when they grow up)
I agree that starting parenthood at such a late age is unwise, but for other reasons than you mentioned. My dad started his family at age 26, but didn't live long enough to see us grow up, either. People also die young, is the truth of it. And. That was another factor.

 

The other factors have to do with my financial independence, and the fact that most of my life has been me trying to fulfill some type of effed-up, "pseudo-parent role" since a young age, and also finding a guy good enough to be the father of my children...for what I would hope for my kids, their father would have had to be right next to Jesus Christ, or the Buddha, or someone like that :)

 

You didn't ask if I regret my decision. No, I don't. Even though, as it turns out, I would have made a freakin' excellent parent, it's still always going to be the right decision for me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...