j-dog Posted May 21, 2003 Share Posted May 21, 2003 Hi all, First, let me say that I've been reading the posts on this site for a few months and it's been a great source of advice (thanks to all of you!!!). Now to my questions. Growing up, I got it into my head that getting involved with women would only be a distraction from more important things like my education, getting into a good college, etc ... So, I didn't allow myself to become anything more than friends with the opposite sex (probably missing out at least one or two amazing gals in the process). At the time, I thought that these relationship things would eventually work themselves out- oh well, live and learn. Flash ahead to today- I'm a 28 year old (male) graduate student finishing up an advanced degree. A few years ago, I realized that (1) my nose-to-the-grindstone years (high school - undergrad.) were when most people were out learning about dating, relationships, love, and sex (2) it takes action to meet women. Since then, I've fallen for a few women (crushes) and also dated a few others but it's never turned into anything serious- either because they were involved with someone else (the crushes) or because one or both of us wasn't really interested. The women I've met have come mainly from either the internet dating scene or from set-ups by acquaintances. Female friends of mine (I don't have problems finding women friends ) think that I just don't meet enough women because I'm not assertive enough. They're probably right- I am a bit apprehensive to walk up to someone I really don't know and ask them out for coffee/lunch. More importantly, I think that my problems stem from anxiety due to my inexperience. Besides a few innocent pecks on the cheek back in middle school, I've never even kissed a woman, not to mention anything beyond that. I won't say that I'm embarrassed- yeah, I had some silly ideas when I was younger and I'm ready to move beyond all that- still, it's not something I brag about either! As I can tell, there are 2 schools of thought on how to move forward: (1) find the first willing partner, regardless of whether I feel a connection, and make up for lost time (you catch my drift) or (2) keep trying to meet as many new women as possible and let things happen on their own when I meet someone 'right'. It might be obvious but I'm naturally the kind of guy for #2. Still, I am intrigued by thoughts of #1. For instance, I've been worried that I might scare off some women who think I'm unconventional or don't know what I'm doing. What do you all think? Link to post Share on other sites
Madeline Posted May 21, 2003 Share Posted May 21, 2003 For holding out for your ideals. There is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. However, having said that...I'm recalling that all my initial experiences with physical love have involved high degrees of discomfort and ackwardness. I think it's all part of the learning process. Chances are you are an attractive, sociable, bright and healthy individual who has no problems 'attracting' potential partners--GREAT! You just gotta dive in and accept the ackward first steps. Remember learning to ride a bike? If you have shyness or other problems making it difficult to attract potential partners--I recommend option 1-- go to get experience--then when Ms. Right (option 2) comes along you will be better positioned to handle the situation. You'll have more experience and you can focus on how much you like her instead of "what will she think of my lack of experience...??" Option 1 could be easy to find---at parties, or bars, or by asking your female friends to set you up. I do that for my guy friends who are "in need"---and I always seem to know girls who are in a similar need... Most of all--HAVE FUN! Congratulations for sidestepping a lot of teenage angst and potential health problems. You're embarking on some of the most fun and sharing you'll ever have with another person! Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
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