yes Posted February 16, 2002 Share Posted February 16, 2002 hi ok - silly situation... there's a gang of guys i know - i go to play pool w/ 'em now n then... two of them turned out to like me - guy 1 and guy 2 guy 1 asked if he could take me out tonight - allright then guy 2 comes along, asking the same thing - so i assume we're all going out (guy 1, 2, me, etc - the whole gang) - and i tell guy2 to ask guy1 about the plans... 5 minutes later guy 1 calls me to say - btw, i wanted to go alone w/ u, so if anybody (like guy 2) calls u , dont mention our plans. i said - oops, already did! now they're gonna be mad at each other, i think. i dunna, i dont care TOO much, cuz i dont wanna go out alone w/ ne of them, so i got it the way i wanted it, but i feel kinda bad for introducing rivalry between friends......... ick! any comments? how should i act? they're obviously competing, but i hope i can somehow even it out & stay friends with the gang - i like joining their pool nights. oh yeah - guy 1 asked me to be his gf a couple times, i said no - i'd rather be just friends..., now he said he's my "slave" (i posted about this fun a few days ago)... it's fine n fun... guy 2 hasn't asked me out but he calls a lot ... damn, things get complicated over nothing...! -yes Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted February 16, 2002 Share Posted February 16, 2002 You better clear up this entire silly mess. From now on, when a guy asks you out, don't assume he's also inviting the world. Even when a friend invites you to do something, don't assume every other friend is going to join in. Get things real clear in your mind when you're accepting an invitation. Just ask...who else is coming along? That one question should clear things up just fine for you. Meanwhile, set things straight with both of these guys and get this whole thing in a more mature mode. If you're going to be hanging out with these guys and they're interested in being with you alone, something's gotta give. Don't jerk these guys around, either. Let them know exactly where they stand with you. If they don't respect that, be very clear that you can't be their friend if they don't respect your boundaries. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yes Posted February 16, 2002 Author Share Posted February 16, 2002 yeah, it's a mess... the first one knows im not attracted to him but keeps trying ... he explicitly said "i dont give up" ... i can't seem to control the situation ... i cant help it but flirt w/ all of them, but flirting is ALL i want from them (aside from pool ) ... im probably not gonna go out with them tonight ... damn - so hard to keep it light with some people! the problem is ... those guys are from my county (russia), and they dont normally ask u out... they just invite u to do stuff, and eventually find a time n place to make a move (physically)... it's a bit difft from what the north americans do ... also, it is a tradition in russia that if a man and a woman go out, the man pays no matter what their relationship is ..... so with these guys, it's rlly hard to be sure what they want - and i cannot say anything until they do something explicit either ... get the picture?... messy i know ... thanks for your reply ne-way You better clear up this entire silly mess. From now on, when a guy asks you out, don't assume he's also inviting the world. Even when a friend invites you to do something, don't assume every other friend is going to join in. Get things real clear in your mind when you're accepting an invitation. Just ask...who else is coming along? That one question should clear things up just fine for you. Meanwhile, set things straight with both of these guys and get this whole thing in a more mature mode. If you're going to be hanging out with these guys and they're interested in being with you alone, something's gotta give. Don't jerk these guys around, either. Let them know exactly where they stand with you. If they don't respect that, be very clear that you can't be their friend if they don't respect your boundaries. Link to post Share on other sites
velvet Posted February 16, 2002 Share Posted February 16, 2002 Reminds me of my teenage years! Ahh those were some fun days. And I wouldnt want to do it again. Your situation is alot like mine was at one time. Except I didnt date my two guy friends. They wanted me, but I had decided to be their friend. We grew up together from grad school 2 high school, then we all worked together for the same company. One of them was tall, dark, handsome, but very immature. He was the one I was attracted to, but I had a born instinct to remain his friend. For years we wanted each other pretty bad. Eventually I lost touch with the both of them. I moved out of state for several years. Than, I moved back two years ago and the tall, dark, handsome, very immature one was the first face I saw when I moved back. I fell in love. The other guy! He is still around from what I hear. I have been within yelling distance of him but have yet to do it. I decided to date my tall,dark,handsome,very imature man & within a month of dating him he jerked me around, played off my feelings, & has been cruel to me. Somewhere during the years I was away from home, I lost him and when I came back & thought I had found him, It wasnt him. Same body, same face, but a monster inside that had forgotton our past, does not value the friendship we once had. Yeah, we reminisced about the past but afterwards he pulled his dic* out and pissed on it because he felt like it. I reccomend just being friends. Dating can lead to intimacy and the intimacy will lead to your friend to not have respect for you. So you lead the way & dont let your guard down. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted February 16, 2002 Share Posted February 16, 2002 YOU WRITE: "i cant help it but flirt w/ all of them, but flirting is ALL i want from them (aside from pool )" If you flirt continue to flirt with the same man or men and have no intentions of going beyond that, it is called teasing and it's a mean thing to do. I am assuming you are in America now so you need to do things the way Americans do...or should do. Logically, and I say that because logical is pretty universal, if you continue to flirt with somebody you are inviting them into your world in a more intense way. So if you're going to flirt, pick a guy you wouldn't mind having in your life in a more significant way. The do things strange in Russia...but, then again, I'm sure you think they do things strange in America and often I would tend to agree with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yes Posted February 16, 2002 Author Share Posted February 16, 2002 whoa - crazy story lucky u'r done with it!! i'm not really close friends with these guys ... so i am gonna stop going out with them altogether if it keeps being silly... i'm gonna see them tonight ,after all... guy 1, 2 and there's also another guy thru whom i met all of them (this guy zero also asked me out ...)... my god - im going out w/ three men who like me , of whom i dont like anyone... what on earth am i doing? lol anyway - velvet, im glad these things pass and people turn out OKay, like u did i guess its just a stage ill have to go thu .. thanks for your reply!! -yes Reminds me of my teenage years! Ahh those were some fun days. And I wouldnt want to do it again. Your situation is alot like mine was at one time. Except I didnt date my two guy friends. They wanted me, but I had decided to be their friend. We grew up together from grad school 2 high school, then we all worked together for the same company. One of them was tall, dark, handsome, but very immature. He was the one I was attracted to, but I had a born instinct to remain his friend. For years we wanted each other pretty bad. Eventually I lost touch with the both of them. I moved out of state for several years. Than, I moved back two years ago and the tall, dark, handsome, very immature one was the first face I saw when I moved back. I fell in love. The other guy! He is still around from what I hear. I have been within yelling distance of him but have yet to do it. I decided to date my tall,dark,handsome,very imature man & within a month of dating him he jerked me around, played off my feelings, & has been cruel to me. Somewhere during the years I was away from home, I lost him and when I came back & thought I had found him, It wasnt him. Same body, same face, but a monster inside that had forgotton our past, does not value the friendship we once had. Yeah, we reminisced about the past but afterwards he pulled his dic* out and pissed on it because he felt like it. I reccomend just being friends. Dating can lead to intimacy and the intimacy will lead to your friend to not have respect for you. So you lead the way & dont let your guard down. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yes Posted February 17, 2002 Author Share Posted February 17, 2002 Hi! Do you think I should simply get away from these guys? Here's what's going on: we go out to play pool or for coffee, and it's usually 4-5 guys and me, the only girl. Today i asked one of the guys how come there isnt ne other gals ... apparently, 3 or 4 of the guys had gf's but they had a mass-break-up session before new year's and now they're all single... one of the guys is weird - he wanted to date me first, now he wants to be my slave - seems he has a fetish for being ordered what to do, pushed around, etc. he also tells me another guy in the group rlly likes me - the one who told me about the mass-break-up. so after telling me about the break up stuff ( he didnt have a gf btw, i dont think ), he starts asking me to introduce 'em all to girls, etc... i said - just go to a club n pick up - just sort of getting rid of the subject ... etc etc ... at some point, he started blabbing how i dont spend enough time with them, and that i should take less courses since i also have a job and that i need more time to spend relaxing (ie going out with them) - i just laughed at him, heh ... so - why i go out with them - cuz they're fun to talk to, joke with, play pool with ... but - i dont like this whole deal with slave - cuz at first it seemed like a game, now i think he's sorta serious - he said he dreamed of being owned by a pretty girl since he was 13 or smth... such a weird guy....... i also dont wanna be their match-maker... i guess i answered my own QN - i should simply get away from them, or at least go out with them WAY less often... right? or should i try and build normal friendships with them? untangle me plz? i got a yucky feeling from the whole thing b/c it's like a gang of desperate dogs around me or smth ... their attention is repulsive cuz i feel like they're only after me b/c there isn't any other girls around them... something like that? weird stuff? i know... - yes ... Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted February 17, 2002 Share Posted February 17, 2002 Always listen to your feelings, nothing more, nothing less. We always gravitate to that which we need at the time. These guys want female companionship right now because they have none and you seem to be the most handy female. I'd say hang around them if you make it real clear you're not interested in them as anything more than a friend...and if they stop talking sex and slave stuff. But, again, if you just don't feel comfortable around them then by all means stay away from them...at least for now. Guys who act like this just because they don't have a female in their lives are pretty sick in my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yes Posted February 17, 2002 Author Share Posted February 17, 2002 Another thing that keeps me around them is - they act totally normal in person ... they stare sometimes, they pay for me (russian ppl - and it's not much between 5 guys... maybe a buck each), but they dont rlly hit on me - just everybody joking around, playing pool, etc., and i feel absolutely comfortable. However, later on, when they IM or call me, the guy-girl-slave-crazy talk starts ... I'm gonna talk to the slave guy today and cancel this whole yucky slavery deal ... And i'll probably go clubbing with them if they want to pick up girls - no problem with me ... This way i can maybe align things to be friends with them... Thanks for your comments - going with feelings is very good advice... -yes Always listen to your feelings, nothing more, nothing less. We always gravitate to that which we need at the time. These guys want female companionship right now because they have none and you seem to be the most handy female. I'd say hang around them if you make it real clear you're not interested in them as anything more than a friend...and if they stop talking sex and slave stuff. But, again, if you just don't feel comfortable around them then by all means stay away from them...at least for now. Guys who act like this just because they don't have a female in their lives are pretty sick in my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yes Posted February 17, 2002 Author Share Posted February 17, 2002 I'm simply gonna stop talking to them on IM/phone ('cept for making plans), and stick to face-to-face communication -that way they dont turn weird on me, and everybody has fun. thanks for your previus comments. - yes Another thing that keeps me around them is - they act totally normal in person ... they stare sometimes, they pay for me (russian ppl - and it's not much between 5 guys... maybe a buck each), but they dont rlly hit on me - just everybody joking around, playing pool, etc., and i feel absolutely comfortable. However, later on, when they IM or call me, the guy-girl-slave-crazy talk starts ... I'm gonna talk to the slave guy today and cancel this whole yucky slavery deal ... And i'll probably go clubbing with them if they want to pick up girls - no problem with me ... This way i can maybe align things to be friends with them... Thanks for your comments - going with feelings is very good advice... -yes Link to post Share on other sites
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