jkjk2009 Posted March 21, 2006 Share Posted March 21, 2006 I was previously engaged for 2 years. The engagment was called off by him. I had 2 issues that I was trying to work thru. 1) - My son still lives with me (Senior) and 2) I am not comfortable living in his home that he shared with his xwife. How do you go back to being just boyfriend/girlfriend? What's the point of it all? Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted March 21, 2006 Share Posted March 21, 2006 I was previously engaged for 2 years. The engagment was called off by him. I had 2 issues that I was trying to work thru. 1) - My son still lives with me (Senior) and 2) I am not comfortable living in his home that he shared with his xwife. How do you go back to being just boyfriend/girlfriend? What's the point of it all? Uh, you don't. If you've decided you're not going to get married, what's the point of staying together? Unless you're just killing time, you're wasting it. You should go find someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jkjk2009 Posted March 21, 2006 Author Share Posted March 21, 2006 Catgirl1927, Thank you for replying. I guess I really don't understand his reasoning. I was just trying to work through my issues - they weren't issues in the beginning...at least my son was not (until he wanted to live with me) The house was always an issue that I thought with time would be ok. I am just not able to set a date at this time - but again, I don't understand calling off the engagement if you had every intention of marrying...so what if it was a couple more years down the line...when the time was right, we both (me in particlular) would've known. Right? Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted March 21, 2006 Share Posted March 21, 2006 It sounds like you wanted a long engagement and he wanted to get married right away. Why is he in such a hurry? The only thing I can think of is, he asked and you said "yes, but not right now." He heard, "No." I can understand not liking a conditional acceptance. If you're not sure, then he's not interested. I'm also kind of a romantic, I think if you guys were meant to be together, you could work out all this other stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jkjk2009 Posted March 21, 2006 Author Share Posted March 21, 2006 Actually, it was me that proposed to him! Again, I did not contemplate my son wanting to live with me or I would've waited - regardless of who asked who. I just feel that a part of me is now missing. I don't know that I will ever get past the house issue - but was willing to cross that bridge when it got closer. Right now, there is nothing that I can do about my son - nor would I want to. He knew this, yet kept pressuring to marry... He did seem to be in a rush - but we had been engaged for 2 years - so I can somewhat see his frustration. What was wrong with waiting a bit longer when my son was no longer an issue. Am I looking at it all wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
prfrogkisser Posted March 21, 2006 Share Posted March 21, 2006 You proposed to him and he was in a hurry so then it was postponed? It doesnt seem to make much sense. Maybe you guys need to spend a little more time making 100% sure what you want out of the relationship. Communicate and ask questions. Dont waste your time and effort in a relationship that wont end in what you want for the future. It could have been that: 1. He didnt feel you wanted to get married right now because of your situation 2.He is not sure about what he or you want.Just ask him and clarify your doubts. Ask him to be honest and then decide what to do from there. Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted March 21, 2006 Share Posted March 21, 2006 why does your son have to be out of the house first? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jkjk2009 Posted March 21, 2006 Author Share Posted March 21, 2006 prfrogkisser, A date was never set - it was kind of tossed out there that when my son graduated from high school that we would get married - but it doesn't look like my son is going to move back with his dad, as his dad is getting married in July and there won't be any room for my son to move in with his new wife and her 2 girls (5 & 10). I just don't understand the broken engagement...I had every intention of marrying him...just didn't forsee the future...who can? We are extremely compatable - that's what is making this so hard on me...I'm not sure where to go from here... Why would he want to go back to BF/GF after being engaged if marriage was his plan...wouldn't he just make a break to find someone who was able to marry within his time frame? UGH Link to post Share on other sites
Author jkjk2009 Posted March 21, 2006 Author Share Posted March 21, 2006 why does your son have to be out of the house first? If we married, I would be living in Fiancee's/BF's house with his 2 children. There would be no room for my son and the fact that it is WAY out in the boonies - away from my son's hometown, school district, work, and friends. Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted March 21, 2006 Share Posted March 21, 2006 If we married, I would be living in Fiancee's/BF's house with his 2 children. There would be no room for my son and the fact that it is WAY out in the boonies - away from my son's hometown, school district, work, and friends. Ah, I see. that makes sense, I was just wondering. He's not willing to move, I take it, or make any room for your son? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jkjk2009 Posted March 21, 2006 Author Share Posted March 21, 2006 He's not willing to move...I don't think my son would want to live there. It's too far out. If he were willing to move, which we did discuss, I would have already been planning the wedding. I just at times feel like I am doing all the compromising...I just don't feel that that house would be "mine & his". I wanted to start fresh, but he is not willing to uproot his kids (I understand). We are still planning vacations as far out as December of this year...so, again, I'm not quite sure I understand the dis-engaging part... Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted March 21, 2006 Share Posted March 21, 2006 could it be that he's throwing like a tantrum? to try to get what he wants? this is a strange situation, to be sure... Link to post Share on other sites
Author jkjk2009 Posted March 21, 2006 Author Share Posted March 21, 2006 I don't feel that he's throwing a tantrum...I'm not sure what it is/was exactly. I would've never pressured him and then yanked it out from underneath him - and that is how I am feeling. I wonder if he had outside influences - family, friends, and that was their advice. I did ask him and he said no. More communication is definately needed. I just have a lot of turmoil going on inside - not sure how to deal with it... Link to post Share on other sites
MusicWoman Posted March 22, 2006 Share Posted March 22, 2006 if he is still planning vacations and such...he still wants to be with you. Do you still have an engagement ring? are you still wearing it? Hes going to be the only person able to answer this question for you. Just because your son graduates high school....doesn't mean hes moving out. He could decide to go to a local college...or need to stay home for the next 4 years. And of course, you wouldn't want to pressure him into not being able to stay at home with you. A condition of marraige should not be that YOUR son can't live with you....and that his children can. Your supposed to be bring families together. How far away do you live from each other? Is it possible to move, and drive him into school or have him drive himself into school? Also, I totally agree with you on the new house/new start part. I would want the same thing. He needs to start compromising with you...and if he can't...maybe its a good thing that you two aren't married yet unless you could stand him making all of the decisions and having everything his way for the rest of your lives. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jkjk2009 Posted March 23, 2006 Author Share Posted March 23, 2006 MusicWoman, Thank you for taking the time to reply. I do still have the ring...it's tucked away in my drawer. We live about 20 miles away from each other...the local college would be an addtional 1/2 hour commute from F's home - I've decided to have another talk with him, and let him know that at this point, there is nothing that I can do. You are right. I am not going to force my son out. If he is willing to wait for me, then we will work thru this. If not, then, I guess it wasn't meant to be. Not sure he would be willing to wait until son was finished with school (4 years)...but a lot can happen between now and then... Thank you again. Link to post Share on other sites
MusicWoman Posted March 23, 2006 Share Posted March 23, 2006 If he is willing to wait for me, then we will work thru this. If not, then, I guess it wasn't meant to be. Not sure he would be willing to wait until son was finished with school (4 years)...but a lot can happen between now and then... I think that if your fiance/boyfriend really wanted to compromise with you...you wouldn't feel the need to have to wait 4 years to get married until your son is finished with school. You should be able to bring both families together, not wait until your son has moved on with his life. You would both need to compromise and move into a place that is large enough for all of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jkjk2009 Posted March 23, 2006 Author Share Posted March 23, 2006 His moving is out of the question...we've already discussed it and I got no where. He lives on the same property as his parents and he had an opportunity to build just north of that - almost same property - and declined. His sister is now going to build there... It just seems so complicated. I feel that all the compromising is coming from me. I would have a 50-55 minute commute one way, have to move out of my hometown (to an even smaller one), to a house that he owned with his x. Of course, I am the only one (according to him) on this planet who is having such a hard time adjusting/changing. Not sure where or what to do from here. Link to post Share on other sites
MusicWoman Posted March 23, 2006 Share Posted March 23, 2006 yep seems your at a stalemate.........I don't know what to say about this now either If he won't compromise...I don't know how you two will get along for life... Link to post Share on other sites
cleaverone Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 I didn't find this thread until over a week's passed since it's been posted. Anyway, I hope what I'm about to say helps. First of all, a proposal done by a woman is definately composed of a relationship in which a man lacks initiative and willingness to commit. A woman with self respect wouldn't want a man like that anyway. He broke up the engagement to get out of marrying you. He wants to be with you as your boyfriend but refuses to marry you now? To me, that sounds like he wants the benefits of your presence without ever honoring you and respecting you with the title of his wife. Also, breaking the engagement but not the relationship altogether is a way of trying to be gentle on the break up process; he's too chicken to break up but he'll break the engagement and waste, mind you, "WASTE" you precious time. I've had the same happen to me before, but with aggression, I gave the guy an ultimatum to clean up the situation and take charge of it. I got him to shape up. I got my engagement back up and running and have set up a date for the wedding. You might consider doing the same thing. It also upsets me that your boyfriend is not willing to make room for your son because when you two get married, his house will then be your house too. If he loves you, he should have no problem not only tolerating you son but accepting him and be happy to make room for him. If you have to tolerate his two children, then, he better tolerate your son. Also, him sharing the house with his ex is "his" major problem that is his to fix, not your problem. As far as your son not wanting to be out in the boonies with you, you shouldn't have to even think much of it. Children move all the time, when it's your time to relocate to marry someone, there's nothing wrong with taking you son with you. You're his mom after all. And also, you seem to be the sort of person who wants to make everyone else happy, you should put your own happiness first. So, you need to really TALK to this guy. Give him an ultimatum to straighten things out. If he refuses to straighten up and refuses to put the engagement back on, kick him out of your life altogether. You can move on and do so much better. Best of luck to you and hope you find your happiness Link to post Share on other sites
starlight2025 Posted April 8, 2006 Share Posted April 8, 2006 Even if the ultimatum does work and he caves in then chances are he will only resent you 10 years later after you are married and he'll file for divorce. Do you really want to put a gun to a man's head in order to get him to marry you? (in a figurative sense). Link to post Share on other sites
Author jkjk2009 Posted April 10, 2006 Author Share Posted April 10, 2006 I didn't find this thread until over a week's passed since it's been posted. Anyway, I hope what I'm about to say helps. First of all, a proposal done by a woman is definately composed of a relationship in which a man lacks initiative and willingness to commit. A woman with self respect wouldn't want a man like that anyway. He broke up the engagement to get out of marrying you. He wants to be with you as your boyfriend but refuses to marry you now? To me, that sounds like he wants the benefits of your presence without ever honoring you and respecting you with the title of his wife. Also, breaking the engagement but not the relationship altogether is a way of trying to be gentle on the break up process; he's too chicken to break up but he'll break the engagement and waste, mind you, "WASTE" you precious time. I've had the same happen to me before, but with aggression, I gave the guy an ultimatum to clean up the situation and take charge of it. I got him to shape up. I got my engagement back up and running and have set up a date for the wedding. You might consider doing the same thing. It also upsets me that your boyfriend is not willing to make room for your son because when you two get married, his house will then be your house too. If he loves you, he should have no problem not only tolerating you son but accepting him and be happy to make room for him. If you have to tolerate his two children, then, he better tolerate your son. Also, him sharing the house with his ex is "his" major problem that is his to fix, not your problem. As far as your son not wanting to be out in the boonies with you, you shouldn't have to even think much of it. Children move all the time, when it's your time to relocate to marry someone, there's nothing wrong with taking you son with you. You're his mom after all. And also, you seem to be the sort of person who wants to make everyone else happy, you should put your own happiness first. So, you need to really TALK to this guy. Give him an ultimatum to straighten things out. If he refuses to straighten up and refuses to put the engagement back on, kick him out of your life altogether. You can move on and do so much better. Best of luck to you and hope you find your happiness Cleverone, An ultimatum is not my style. At this point, he regrets having dis-engaged...I'm just not ready to set a date and that is what he was looking for. I still don't understand disengaging...but it is what it is. He has asked several times for the ring back so that he could re-present it to me...but it has lost its sparkle...I love this man with all my heart...I'm just hurt over the whole ordeal and am still licking my wound. Link to post Share on other sites
cleaverone Posted April 12, 2006 Share Posted April 12, 2006 Cleverone, An ultimatum is not my style. At this point, he regrets having dis-engaged...I'm just not ready to set a date and that is what he was looking for. I still don't understand disengaging...but it is what it is. He has asked several times for the ring back so that he could re-present it to me...but it has lost its sparkle...I love this man with all my heart...I'm just hurt over the whole ordeal and am still licking my wound. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear jkjk2009, It seems like your situation isn't as bad as I thought it was. If he regrets what he did and that he's actually looking for a wedding date while wanting to present that ring to you once agian, that means that he seems to want to marry you still. However, it's totally understandable that you're not ready to set the date at this time and that you're really hurt. I'm pretty sure he'll figure it out as soon as you talk to him about it. You know, I read a story once when I was a teenager. When all the gods of emotions sank into the ocean. Love was asking to be saved. Pride was too prideful to let love make a mess on his boat. Misery was too miserable to notice love. An elderly man reached out to help Love onto his boat. That old man was Time. In time, things can change. If you two are both willing and able to be together, in time, you will both feel right to take the next step. Just let him know that you need time to heal. As long as he truly love you and want to be with you and honor you, he'll be understanding of that and respect that. I hope it all works out for you. Let me know as time goes on. I'll always be here for you. I have a feeling your situation will change for the better. Keep your chin up. Link to post Share on other sites
Dan Posted April 12, 2006 Share Posted April 12, 2006 Let's all remember that personal attacks are not allowed under the community standards you all agreed to when you registered for this site. Let's keep the discussions civilized and helpful. No bashing, no name calling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jkjk2009 Posted April 12, 2006 Author Share Posted April 12, 2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear jkjk2009, It seems like your situation isn't as bad as I thought it was. If he regrets what he did and that he's actually looking for a wedding date while wanting to present that ring to you once agian, that means that he seems to want to marry you still. However, it's totally understandable that you're not ready to set the date at this time and that you're really hurt. I'm pretty sure he'll figure it out as soon as you talk to him about it. You know, I read a story once when I was a teenager. When all the gods of emotions sank into the ocean. Love was asking to be saved. Pride was too prideful to let love make a mess on his boat. Misery was too miserable to notice love. An elderly man reached out to help Love onto his boat. That old man was Time. In time, things can change. If you two are both willing and able to be together, in time, you will both feel right to take the next step. Just let him know that you need time to heal. As long as he truly love you and want to be with you and honor you, he'll be understanding of that and respect that. I hope it all works out for you. Let me know as time goes on. I'll always be here for you. I have a feeling your situation will change for the better. Keep your chin up. Thank you Cleverone for your encouragement and kind words. Question: Should I give him the ring back so that in time he can present it to me or should I hold off for a while? He now knows that until my son moves, I am not able to marry him... Link to post Share on other sites
cleaverone Posted April 13, 2006 Share Posted April 13, 2006 Thank you Cleverone for your encouragement and kind words. Question: Should I give him the ring back so that in time he can present it to me or should I hold off for a while? He now knows that until my son moves, I am not able to marry him... ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear jkjk2009, it's my pleasure to be helpful any way I can. I check this site as often as I can for your postings so that I'll avoid not giving a response on time like my first response. As regards to that ring. If he asks for that ring, I don't see any reason why you should keep that ring. Psychologically, it'd be healthy to let go of that ring to let go of the grief of it not working. Also, in the same time, you should let him know that when he presents to you another ring, he should give you another ring that'll have nothing to do with the first ring so that you can start off fresh. I'm sure if he really loves you, he'd understand. I'm glad he understands the situation about your son. Just keep talking to him and keep up the communication. Let time repair itself and take your time. Things will be ok. I'll always be here for you. Hugs Link to post Share on other sites
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