Woggle Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 My father is insisting that my mother is invited. Everybody here pretty much knows the abusive history with my mother and as horrible as this sounds I don't want her there. Every time I deal with her she just upsets me and I sink into a depression or anger. I don't need her at my wedding ruining things and I know she will make a scene. I will be all the way on the other side of the country away from everything that has ever caused me pain. That is one of the reasons I am moving to San Francisco in a few years. It qill be a change of scenery and a chance to just be away from it all. I know this makes me sound like some heartless ungrateful son but I will not let her ruin this day. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 Wog, This is your day....... not your mothers. Unless you are positive that she can shut up and behave herself? Why bother to invite her? From what you post it seems that just the sight of her brings up negative emotions. Can you deal with that? Are you obligated to invite her? Do you really feel guilty if you do not? Why is it important that she is there? What will happen if you do not? What would be the reason to invite her? How does your future wife feel about this? a4a- went through this but on the "friend" guest list not parents side. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Woggle Posted February 23, 2006 Author Share Posted February 23, 2006 Wog, This is your day....... not your mothers. Unless you are positive that she can shut up and behave herself? Why bother to invite her? From what you post it seems that just the sight of her brings up negative emotions. Can you deal with that? Are you obligated to invite her? Do you really feel guilty if you do not? Why is it important that she is there? What will happen if you do not? What would be the reason to invite her? How does your future wife feel about this? a4a- went through this but on the "friend" guest list not parents side. My fiance will be okay with whatever decision I make. I know that it is my day but even with all the abuse I still feel like such a horrible son for shutting her out. She is after all the woman that gave birth to me despite the horrible things she has done. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 Wedding days are stressful enough without added craziness. IMO. You're not a horrible son, just setting boundaries. You know she'll probably do something, so to prevent added stress and a possible scene you forgoe inviting her. That way, she may be miffed, but everyone else gets to breathe easy. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 Can you talk to her, tell her this is your day..... that you would like her to be there but not to cause a problem. Do you really think she will behave or cause a scene? Could you talk to your father and ask him to "handle" her? If you do invite her you are going to have to make a concious decision to block out those neg. feelings and focus on your happy day! For one day you need to say " I am free of this BS". Hell it could be the first step to dealing with the issue and making it more positive for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Woggle Posted February 23, 2006 Author Share Posted February 23, 2006 Can you talk to her, tell her this is your day..... that you would like her to be there but not to cause a problem. Do you really think she will behave or cause a scene? Could you talk to your father and ask him to "handle" her? If you do invite her you are going to have to make a concious decision to block out those neg. feelings and focus on your happy day! For one day you need to say " I am free of this BS". Hell it could be the first step to dealing with the issue and making it more positive for yourself. Trust me when I say she will create a scene. She still calls me her little rapist(she thinks all men are rapists) and insists I will be imprisoning my future wife. This women is screwed in the head big time. Link to post Share on other sites
bab Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 Another thing to consider is will you be able to handle the guilt on your wedding day if she isn't there. Also, is there a chance that your father will tell her when and where and she shows up anyway? Then she's guaranteed to make a scene. What about your Dad, is he going to make a scene if you don't invite your mom? It's definitely your decision, and in theory you shouldn't feel guilty about it, but hey, that's probably not reality. This is an extremely hard decision. Good luck. I know I wouldn't want to be in your shoes right now. Did you invite her to your first wedding? What did she do? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Woggle Posted February 23, 2006 Author Share Posted February 23, 2006 My father has his issues but he is a sane person. I don't know why I should even speak to her after everything she has done but for some reason I feel obligated to include her. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 Trust me when I say she will create a scene. She still calls me her little rapist(she thinks all men are rapists) and insists I will be imprisoning my future wife. This women is screwed in the head big time. man Wog....... no way would I invite her then....... no F-ing way! Why the F do you feel guilty??? I see no reason you should. Hell it would seem as tho it would just be an opp. to belittle you and your marriage. I am sure if such things do take place that your wife will be hurt, damaged ect. This is her day to and you need to protect her from your insane mother!!!! She may have gave birth to you but that does not mean you owe her. I am sure she planted that in your head that you do owe her........ she is still in control of you now as an adult..... she is brilliant! Look at your posts, look at how she is in control of you...... man Wog, take the reins! This is your life, not hers. Just because you have shared genetic material does not mean that you owe her your life....... she as a parent had and still should have the responsibility to treat you with love and kindness......... she did not and has not, most likely will not........ let her go. You are not obligated to please any person that abuses you. Nor are you obligated to your father. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Woggle Posted February 25, 2006 Author Share Posted February 25, 2006 Well I tried to talk to her and make her promise she would not act up and we got into a fight. My incubator(that's right I won't even call her my mother anymore) will not be at my wedding and since my fiance heard her screaming from the other end of the phone she understands perfectly why. I will ask my father to remember the way she treated him and to understand why she won't be there. Link to post Share on other sites
MusicWoman Posted February 25, 2006 Share Posted February 25, 2006 Hey Woggle, I know that I will have the same issue coming up soon, not with my mother but with my father. He was a little physically abusive, and VERY mentally abuse throughout my whole life. As of now, I havn't spoken to him in two years, or really seen a lot of his side of the family because of this. I know though that I will want to invite that side of the family even though i havn't seen them in about a year, which consists of about 15 other people...I'm still trying to decide if having them there would be aquward if he wasn't invited or if I have to invite him to keep more peace than there would be otherwise. Its a tricky situation. If I had it my way he wouldn't be there just like you don't want your mother there. I'm not quite sure what to do in my situation, but it seems you have made up your mind, nice job, make it your day. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted February 25, 2006 Share Posted February 25, 2006 My fiance will be okay with whatever decision I make. I know that it is my day but even with all the abuse I still feel like such a horrible son for shutting her out. She is after all the woman that gave birth to me despite the horrible things she has done. Giving birth does not in any way, shape, or form, mean that you owe her anything or are obligated to her in any way. My husband did not invite his abusive mother to our wedding. In fact, we had been together nearly 20 years before I ever even met the woman! Now I avoid her like the plague. If anyone tells you that you *should* invite your mother to the wedding just tell them that in your particular circumstance it is not appropriate, but that you appreciate their concern and understand that if it was their wedding they would feel obligated and you respect that. That's a pretty ambiguous response that should leave them wondering and not pestering you about it! Do NOT allow yourself to feel guilty about this. Your mother made her bed, now let her lie in it. If she is hurt by not being invited - she'll get over it or she'll learn to live with it. Her feelings and needs are not your responsibility and you are not a horrible son for shutting her out. She shut herself out by her previous actions and words. Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted February 25, 2006 Share Posted February 25, 2006 I agree wholeheartedly. Unless the father is paying for the wedding he has no say in who should be there. This sounds like a mother by accident of birth, only. Why would anyone want a negative presence at what should be as joyous occasion? Family and blood ties are no excuse, whatsoever, to be mean-spirited and unpleasant. Link to post Share on other sites
BeFree Posted February 25, 2006 Share Posted February 25, 2006 I know it makes you feel guilty not to invite her, but you made the right decision. This is you and your fiance's day. Stick to your guns and try to enjoy planning your wedding. You do not have to justify your decisions to any one but your fiance. you do not have to justify not inviting your mom to your wedding, your pre-nup or your honeymoon. This is your life and you only get to live it once. HAVE FUN. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted February 25, 2006 Share Posted February 25, 2006 Giving birth does not in any way, shape, or form, mean that you owe her anything or are obligated to her in any way. My husband did not invite his abusive mother to our wedding. In fact, we had been together nearly 20 years before I ever even met the woman! Now I avoid her like the plague. If anyone tells you that you *should* invite your mother to the wedding just tell them that in your particular circumstance it is not appropriate, but that you appreciate their concern and understand that if it was their wedding they would feel obligated and you respect that. That's a pretty ambiguous response that should leave them wondering and not pestering you about it! Do NOT allow yourself to feel guilty about this. Your mother made her bed, now let her lie in it. If she is hurt by not being invited - she'll get over it or she'll learn to live with it. Her feelings and needs are not your responsibility and you are not a horrible son for shutting her out. She shut herself out by her previous actions and words. I agree 100 percent with Hokey Woggle.. Do what you feel is the right thing to do.. either way you decide people will be upset.. you cannot make everyone happy Link to post Share on other sites
Naive Posted February 26, 2006 Share Posted February 26, 2006 My father is insisting that my mother is invited. Everybody here pretty much knows the abusive history with my mother and as horrible as this sounds I don't want her there. Every time I deal with her she just upsets me and I sink into a depression or anger. I don't need her at my wedding ruining things and I know she will make a scene. I will be all the way on the other side of the country away from everything that has ever caused me pain. That is one of the reasons I am moving to San Francisco in a few years. It qill be a change of scenery and a chance to just be away from it all. I know this makes me sound like some heartless ungrateful son but I will not let her ruin this day. I think you should just invite people that will COMPLETE that day. If she is going to make it a sad or bad day, it's better not to invite her. I know she is your mother and it sounds bad but you have to make sure you do whatever you have to in order to make your wedding special in a good way. Link to post Share on other sites
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