getting married....nervous

[ponder24]

I am 24 years old, engaged for about 6 months. I have been with my fiance for 4 1/2 years, we get along very well, rarely fight, and are great friends. We are different of course in some ways, I am a practical person, he is a dreamer(Virgo/Picses), I am going to school for nursing, he was an art student, now a driver for full time work. I don't know what my problem is. I have never been your typical gril who dreams about her wedding day, to be quite honest I had never really given it much thought, I just wasn't thinking about marriage. When he proposed to me, I was excited and happy, but I don't know if deep inside I was feeling naturally as happy. I don't know if it is b/c I haven't dated that many people before my fiance, and I just can't stop thinking the grass may be greener, there may be someone better suited for me, or that deep down I dont think he is for me, but I am so involved with him, love him, that I can't imagine what it would be like to break up/and life afterwards. I am very attracted to him most of the time, there are some times however when I find myself losing attraction for him, I think it is normal though,.

With the wedding only months away, I find myself just going with it,. I kind of feel like I am too young to get married sometimes, but then I realize I'm not getting any younger, and at least I have found a good guy. Mentally though, it is very hard, I am constantly weighing the goods/and the bads out of our relationship. i am a very indecisive person in every aspect of my life, so i think that tendancy makes any decision making hard, but this is such a HUGE decision,.

I know I am rambling on, but anyone with similiar problem who can offer advice?

[westernxer]

If you suffer from "grass is greener" syndrome, it means you aren't ready to tie the knot.

[slubberdegullion]

You're entitled to be nervous. This is one of the biggest decisions you will make.

 

This process of going back and forth in your mind as to whether you want to go through with it or not, or whether the grass is greener, is entirely normal and natural. He is probably doing the same thing in his own way.

 

It may be cliché, but it bears repeating: Love is a decision, not a feeling. You can read more about it here. It's a bit sappy, but if you can cut through all that, there's some good information there.

 

(By the way, lose the horoscope nonsense. It's worse than useless.)

[Outcast]

I think that if you're not happy and excited about this marriage, if you don't WANT it badly and aren't looking forward to it, then you shouldn't do it.

 

I don't know anyone who had doubts like yours who went on to remain happily married. They all got divorced.

[westernxer]

I don't know anyone who had doubts like yours who went on to remain happily married. They all got divorced.

 

I don't either. My brother's first wife is a prime example.

[ponder24]

thanks for the comments, I do realize that with my doubts I should be reconsidering everything. It's weird though, I could wake up tmrw and be all gung-ho about getting married,,it's a consistency thing. I guess I am a typical girl, full of emotions,fear, and hard time expressing myself. I think I would rather just deal with my isssues and fears myself than bring them up. He does know I am like this b/c I had an episode of questioning whether I wanted a relationship 2 years ago, but obviously chose to stay in the relationship. I just don't know if I could end it. I keep waiting for a solid emotion to hit me,,but I am so wishy-washy.

[westernxer]

Wishy-washy aside, you know when you're into somebody. You don't even have to debate it.

[RecordProducer]

I think you need to answer these questions for yourself:

 

1. How would you feel if he dumped you for another girl today? Relieved or devastated?

 

2. If he had to move to another continent without you for a few years, would you miss him but survive or would you not be able to imagine your life without him?

 

3. If he had an accident now and (god forbid) ended up in a wheel chair, would you stay and take care of him? Would you feel more sorry for his terrible destiny or for yourself for having to deal with the situation?

 

4. If a wonderful guy had a crush on you, would you have a desire to be with him or would you feel that your fiancé is the only one you want?

 

5. Are there too many things that you hate/piss you off about him and will never change?

 

6. Are you often bored when you're with him?

 

7. Do you think that his character or personality needs radical changes?

 

8. If you would make a list of what you want in a man, is he close to what you've always wanted?

 

9. Are you sexually compatible?

 

10. Are you intellectually on the same level? Do you love talking to him about everything?

 

11. Do you share similar interests (activities) and goals in life?

 

12. Do you trust him completely?

 

13. Can you imagine him as the father of your children?

 

14. Can you imagine spending every day together for the rest of your life with him?

 

15. Do you think that he inhibits you professionally or in any other way?

 

16. Do you feel that your life would be more exciting without him or with someone else?

 

17. Will you possibly have financial problems?

 

18. Will you possibly have problems with sharing daily chores and obligations?

 

19. Are you happy to see him every time? Does he make you laugh? Do you care about his opinion and thoughts?

 

20. Does he make you feel good? Does he tell you compliments, buys you little gifts, takes care of you when you're sick, consoles you when you're feeling down?

 

21. Is he affectionate and attentive enough for your taste?

 

22. Does he treat you with great respect?

[ponder24]

Record producer- yes all those questions are so very important, and thank you for taking the time to come up with them. They are questions(some of them anyway) that I do find myself pondering, and honestly most of them I answer with favoring my fiance, and truly feeling like he is for me. It's just hard for me(a perfectionist) to not have doubts, and then the doubts turn into worry and stress, and then I am a mess in my head, but eventually work it out and then I am fine.

[Outcast]

and truly feeling like he is for me

 

I'm not hearing enthusiasm here. I'm hearing a math calculation that results in a positive equation. Where is the 'I can't wait to spend my life with him'?

 

Blame it on 'perfectionism' or what you will, I still don't get the sense that you're doing this out of anything other than logic.

[westernxer]

Blame it on 'perfectionism' or what you will, I still don't get the sense that you're doing this out of anything other than logic.

 

Or convenience.

[ponder24]

ouch,,,I mean the statements above are true.,, I def should be way more enthused about him and getting married. I am not good at expressing myself in a loving way sometimes. It took a long time for me to say I love you and mean it. I feel like I will be this way no matter who I am with.

[ponder24]

and I am too logical,,I have to "think" out everything

[westernxer]

Wouldn't hurt to use your heart, too.

[RecordProducer]

Were you in love with him at the beginning? Because infatuation fades out with years and is replaced by true calm love. But if you were never crazy about him then I believe this is just calculation about your feelings and it's impossible to make equations with emotions. One bad emotion can be more important than 20 good ones and one good emotion can win 20 bad ones.

Finally, perhaps you're just freaking out because of the lifetime comitment idea.

[ponder24]

we are the typical opposites attracts thing, however through the years have formed so many similar interests. We compliment eachother well I think. when I first met him,,it was infatuation and then love, I mean I really liked him. I STILL really like him. I think you are right (record producer) I am nervous about the title of lifetime commitment,,,,forever... It does kind of freak me out. I was always one of those girls with a bf,,,not bc i wanted it that way,,,its just what would happen,,i had one previous relationship that lasted 3.5 yrs, a quick 3 mth relationship, and then I met my fiance, 4.5 yrs later here I am. Soo, sometimes I think I kind of dwell on the fact I have never just had a time of being single,,just me..but this is the cards I have been dealt,,and I wouldnt change them. I also think everything is coming to head b/c the wedding is coming up soo fast,,,I have a lot to do,,a lot of pressure,,and we are house hunting,,and signing on the dotted lines are making my head spin,,,it's just a lot going on.

[Judy17]

Oddly..I can relate. I am excited about getting married and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I can barely stand the 9 hours we're apart on the weekdays for work. I want to be with him every second of everyday. We've been together for almost 6 years...And engaged for almost one...

 

I went through a little stage recently where I was questioning if this was right for me...If I wanted to get married and be with this one person when everyone else was still out there dating around and all that...But I dont think it had anything to do with the amount of love I had for my fiance or the commitment or anything...Okay this is where it gets a little abstract. I'm a very indecisive person. One day I'm moving to Canada and the next I'm staying here where I live and going to my dream college. I found that I wanted to put off getting married, not because I thought someone would be better than my fiance, but because it is a major life event..And it's like that one major event is going to be over with and I'm never going to experience it again. I think it all is a deep down fear of aging and life being over. I mean you wait your whole life for this one day..And then it's over. I'm 20..So I just had this feeling that I was doing everything that I had to look forward to in life when I was so young...But then I realized I am BLESSED to be going through this so young. That I have found my soulmate and I have the rest of my life to spend with him. Some people never even get to experience that.

 

You could have completely different motives..But I just thought I would give you my personal experience with this since our stories seemed so similar...

[lilmoma1973]

I think it is perfectly normal to get what we call cold feet .. i did but after i seen my h standing there my nerves changed .. Maybe it is where you are stressing about the wedding and making you have doubts Good luck

[hooghie]

Spend some time alone and look deep within yourself and ask

'as great as he is and as much as I care for him. Deep inside, do I feel like I'm settling or getting married too soon?' If the answer is yes, at least postpone your wedding. You are still very young and have spent a good part of your adult life with 1 person.

 

I had similar doubts when I was engaged. I ended up divorced.

[ponder24]

yes I do need to spend like several days by myself, just to try and figure my brain out. That is gonna be hard, full time job, low on $, and my fiance lives with me,,we share a small bedroom! I just feel like time is slipping away, the wedding is fast approaching, and I need to start making my mind up. I feel so bad b/c I know I kind have been cold to him lately, and he doesnt know why,, and I can't tell him. I also on top of just the fear of marriage, have a fear of security. My fiance has a degree in film,,very hard to get a good steady job in this field. He is a driver as a full time job and dabbles in film on the side. He kind of gives me the impression he will never make a lot of money and is ok with that. I am not by any means money hungry trust me,,,but I just worry about what it will be like 10 yrs from now. I work so hard now, and intend to go back to school for nursing, which is SUCH a demanding job. I assume I will be making more mney than him, and as much as I dont want it to, it concerns me. If I have kids, I DON'T want to work full time,,,but will have too. Just another worry to add to my list.....

[vixen123]

hey ponder 24, what ever happened to your situation....I'm exactly like you, virgo and all

[ponder24]

hey Vixon-well sorry it has taken so long for me to update. I will admit it is nice to even hear someone say they think they sound like me. Well, I have been doing a lot lately. Basically I have this mental battle in my head constantly, weighing out the pros and cons on my deciswion making. It is very hard for me to make up my mind,,especially when it comes to my relationship and how I feel. I dwell on my feelings so much that is makes me unhappy. Instead of just trying to enjoy life, I worry, worry, and essentially get nowhere because I am too afraid to change/end the relationship, but yet constantly wonder what it would be like if I wasn't in the relationship.

So basically,,,I am in this relationship for the long haul,,whatever that may bring/be. I just have to go with it, ,and stop worrying. If it doesn't work out,,I will know it, and have to do something about it. It's just that if I can avoid something not working out, i.e. divorce, I want to do everything in my power to make sure everything is right, and that doesn't happen. But there is no sense in ruining my days contemplating, when I am not willing to make the change.

We are buying a condo,,and make settlement tmrw. I found my wedding dress(what a headache) and plan on moving foward with wedding plans. I still will sit in my bed and thoughts still wander to the same places/issues and I get nowhere but depressed. So as my wonderful fiance tells me,,stop worrying,,just live for today, and take chances in life. Taking chances makes me nervous, but I am just gonna go with it. As long as I have love for him I know I will be ok.

[Walk]

Ponder24,

 

I was in your shoes about 7 years ago. Your post sounds exactly like me. Almost scary.

 

I was not ecstatic and thrilled at getting married when he proposed. I was happy, but not that euphoria everyone talks about. I loved him to death, and did not want to see us end. The next logical step was marriage. I couldn't come up with a reason why I shouldn't want to marry him. We hardly ever fought. We looked at money a little differently, but otherwise compatible. I hadn't had much 'dating' experience outside of him. He worked hard, was very dependable, and a good man.

 

I believe there were enough small differences between us that I doubted getting married, even though I couldn't find a solid reason. And I think I knew deep in my heart that I didn't want to get married, but I didn't want the relationship to end, and I had to make an either/or decision. Marriage, or over. But I could never put a finger on why I wasn't ecstatic. I'd think about it all the time, and get depressed, but never got any closer to why... So I chalked it up to worrying too much, over analyzing everything, figured I was just not the romantic type.

 

The closer it got to wedding day, the more I started looking forward to it. I started believing I'd just been a worry wart. That I loved him, and was happy to marry him. Wedding day came, all went wonderfully. Very beautiful. But standing up there saying those vows... I still felt that nagging little voice. Just beneath hearing, but it was there, and it scared me.

 

So, 7 years later, and divorced, I learned...the voice is telling you that you are concerned about living your life with him. Those little things that don't seem that big of a deal, that your laid back enough to not really care about, is setting off your inner warnings. Doesn't mean that your marriage will end in divorce. But do realize that something is amiss. Even if it's not so large as to cause you problems yet, you do see potential for it. Like when you're saying he doesn't have much drive to make a lot of money... that's setting it off. You're laid back, not materialistic, so it s not really a big deal.. but it could be, under the wrong circumstances. Just acknowledge there could be problems. Don't toss away these concerns as 'nerves'. It could be that there are many very tiny things that are barely noticeable, that are making you edgy. Nothing substantial enough to put a finger on, and not enough to say the relationship is doomed. Its not. Just understand that you need to be aware there 'could' be a problem later, so that if your warning starts getting louder, then you need to take action right away. Not wait until it's too late.

 

Life has a tendency to blow us where it wants anyways. Just live your life to the best of your abilities.

[ponder24]

Dear Walk- Thank you for your response, it is so nice,,and more importantly relieving to hear of someone else in my shoes, or has had similar experience in it. I know that my gut feelings should tell me everything,,and I should listen to it, but it is hard to know what is right and wrong, what I will regret, what I should act on. I don't know. I do know one thing,,,I have made a promise to myself that if down the road if I am not happy,,or these slight feelings of doubt,worry, uncertainty worsen, I am not going to let it continue, I will do something about it. It is not worth it to live unhappily if you can control it.

At this point in my life I am just going with it, it may be a huge mistake,,and I just may regret it more than anything down the road, but I am not willing to do anything about it now. I want to live and learn, and hope that I am making the right decisions, or maybe not so much the "right" decision,,but one that makes me happy. I wish we were made less complicated upstairs!!

I wish there was a manual to life,,but alas we are on our own. I just can't continue the dwelling,,it is sooo draining and makes me miserable, and it is not fair to him. Thank you again for your words. Any advice or life lessons send my way please. What are you up to now,,are you in a relationship? Was divorce the most horrible thing ever?? Do you have children? Did you find your "true love" yet?

These are the things I worry about. And of course I would love that head over heels, I cant live without you kinda love thing to smack me in the face,,,but I don't think that will happen with me, I'm just not that kind of person. Or maybe I am incredibly wrong............who the hell knows!?!?!

[Walk]

Any advice or life lessons send my way please. What are you up to now,,are you in a relationship? Was divorce the most horrible thing ever?? Do you have children? Did you find your "true love" yet?

These are the things I worry about. And of course I would love that head over heels, I cant live without you kinda love thing to smack me in the face,,,but I don't think that will happen with me, I'm just not that kind of person. Or maybe I am incredibly wrong............who the hell knows!?!?!

 

I never got back on this 'cause I lost the thread. I'm sorry. Not even sure if you're still checking these boards.

 

I don't regret a single thing about my decision to get married. I did what I felt was right at the time. And I was very deeply in love with him. It was as you said though, just that nagging voice or feeling that's trying to tell you something. Nothing concrete, or that you can put your finger on, just there.

 

And I do believe we could've made the relationship work, and been very happy together, but we had outside influences that really took our relationship down a difficult path. We started to change and grow a lot, but in different directions. And instead of accepting change and trying to work with it, we fought against it, and it killed us. That and other various reasons.

 

Divorce sucks. I never want to go through that again. That was horrible. Then again, my entire adult life (10 years) had been spent sharing it with this guy. We had plans, hopes, dreams for our future. And when we divorced those dreams were lost and broken. It was really hard.

 

On the flip side... I absolutely LOVE who I am now! I love my life, and everything about it. Divorce was the best thing that could've happened for me. It took me quite a while to see that, but I had to grow a lot in order to really see. And I am with an absolutely amazing man who not only loves me for who I am, but who encourages me to grow and achieve my dreams. We have ups and downs still, but overall it's an amazing relationship. (It'll be 2 years in Feb!)

 

And I didn't want to have kids with my ex. I wasn't ready and children scare me. Maybe someday, maybe not.

 

I'm sure the two of you will have a great marriage. Just keep communicating, and if you have to, hit him in the head with a 2X4. ha. j/k. I guess the best I can tell you is, you won't regret doing something you felt was right for you, and if you did the best you could. That's all we can do. Nothing is perfect, nothing is set in stone, but do your best with what you've been dealt. Then learn from your mistakes. And enjoy the time you have.