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Men, are you more or less likely to propose if you live together?


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Old 24th January 2018, 8:58 PM   #1
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Men, are you more or less likely to propose if you live together?

They say why buy the milk if you can get the cow for free... ie. if you're living together like you're married, why get married?

Is this true? Men, are you more likely to propose if you don't live together because then there is incentive to get married? Or do you need to see what cohabitating is like before jumping into marriage?
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Old 24th January 2018, 9:13 PM   #2
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Except for one couple, all of my married friends cohabitated before marriage..... Take what you will from that.
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Old 25th January 2018, 1:42 AM   #3
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I'd never propose to or marry someone I hadn't lived with, just too many unknowns. And if my partner objected, I wonder if her goal was marriage in general rather than marriage to me. YMMV...

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Old 25th January 2018, 1:59 AM   #4
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I've never been married, but was engaged once.

We were NOT living together when I asked, but we did move in together a couple months later.

While cohabiting, I guess she learned enough about me that she didn't want to be married to me and broke off the engagement.

In hind site, I wish we would have lived together before we got engaged.

Just my two cents...
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Old 27th January 2018, 5:38 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by Danika View Post
They say why buy the milk if you can get the cow for free... ie. if you're living together like you're married, why get married?
I've heard this statement before, and to me that doesn't really make sense. It's probably a statement conceived a long time ago and clearly reflects that most women want and, more so, NEED a man to marry her. For women who won't really gained anything (finance/security) by marrying, the man needs to convince her that a marriage is worthwhile. In other words, I'm reading this statement as, women these days may not necessarily want marriage any more than men. Sure, I think the majority probably still do, but an increasingly significant minority of women have no more interest in marriage, than her partner would. It certainly holds true for us. My fiance and I clearly both want to be married to each other, but I did not NEED him to provide me with a marriage.

Just like when we moved in together before getting engaged, my mom was worried about me getting "used". I understand her position completely, but inside I chuckled a little. One of my best friends once said if her mom was worried about that, she would say, "No mom, he's not using me. I'M using him for sex"

Back to the topic... No, I would not marry someone if I don't know their living habits. For all I know they can be a complete sloth. Meeting each other, even if daily, is nothing like living together. You get to see them at their worst and just understand them on a completely different level. I know people do successfully get and stay married despite not living together prior, but I would also argue that among couples not living together prior to marriage, a significant portion would not even get married had they tried living together beforehand, not because they already have "the milk", but because they just aren't into you as much after they see how you are on a day to day basis.

Put it this way: men who don't propose after living together, don't do so not necessarily because they have "the milk", but more so because they're just not that into the woman, but are too lazy to break up/find someone else. And do you really want to marry someone who's not completely dedicated to you emotionally and legally? Why would you?

If someone truly wants and loves you, they will make a commitment. If they don't, you should be glad they're not proposing because your marriage will not be a strong one. Living together has nothing to do with one's love for their SO. If compatible and meant to be, it only gets stronger. If not, so much better to find out before you're legally tied to them.

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Old 27th January 2018, 6:26 AM   #6
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I object to women being referred to as cows. The statement sounds like something an 80 year old might say.
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Old 27th January 2018, 6:32 AM   #7
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We were engaged before we lived together but I insisted that we live together for a year before tying the knot. You have to take the marriage for a test drive before going all the way.
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Old 27th January 2018, 9:13 AM   #8
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Just to keep it non sexist, there is an opposite saying for women about men: Why by the whole pig when you can get porked for free.

Both concepts come from the dated idea that pre-marital sex is wrong. When sex was something only to be enjoyed inside the confines of marriage, the idea was that having "marital relations" without benefit of the institution nullified the need to get married.

Now I think some people do jump into cohabitation too soon but for many it is a test drive of sorts. I lived with a guy for 10 years who didn't believe in marriage. It wasn't a problem in the beginning but when I realized I wanted to be married, we ended up splitting. DH & I were already engaged. He didn't move in here until 3 months before our wedding.

I know couples who did not live together before marriage. I know couples who have lived together for more than a decade who will probably never get married. It's more about what you want for yourselves.
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Old 27th January 2018, 10:54 AM   #9
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I wouldn't marry someone without living with them first. I made that mistake in my first marriage - I'm sure many of the issues would have arisen if we had, and we wouldn't have made the mistake of marrying.

Before this marriage, we lived together 7 years. Neither of us wanted marriage, but we intended to stay together regardless. We only married for practical benefits that we could achieve no other way quickly. We're content with that decision, but would also divorce for practical reasons, and still stay together.
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Old 27th January 2018, 12:50 PM   #10
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I've never, and would never, live with someone I'm not married to so the point is moot with me. I proposed to my exW because I wanted to be married to her, not having anything to do with living together; that was merely a byproduct, combining households.

Of my unmarried tenants who lived together, two couples got married while in my rental properties. Both went on to leave and buy homes together.
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Old 27th January 2018, 6:35 PM   #11
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Cohabitation makes a man more than likely to marry, if he can put up with a woman's "complexities" (and taking up the entire double sink with her "stuff"). It also could lead to a better chance at success if you know what you are getting into. Ditto for women, if you don't overlook any red flags. Very few will "change" because of a ring.
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Old 27th January 2018, 6:41 PM   #12
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I would never consider marrying someone I hadn't already been living with for a decent amount of time. Doing so sounds utterly insane to me! How do you know you will be compatible living together if you've never tried it?
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Old 28th January 2018, 4:08 PM   #13
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I dont think living together or not living together has anything to do with getting married. It probably used to in times past, but not anymore. Its the same as its now commonplace for women to have kids without being married. One has nothing to do with the other.

If a man wants to get married, he'll get married. If he doesnt, he wont. I dont think not living together will give a man incentive to get married, if its not something he wanted to do in the first place.

Truthfully, theres not much incentive for people to get married nowadays, unless you truly just want to.
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Old 28th January 2018, 5:10 PM   #14
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I dont think living together or not living together has anything to do with getting married. It probably used to in times past, but not anymore. Its the same as its now commonplace for women to have kids without being married. One has nothing to do with the other.

If a man wants to get married, he'll get married. If he doesnt, he wont. I dont think not living together will give a man incentive to get married, if its not something he wanted to do in the first place.

Truthfully, theres not much incentive for people to get married nowadays, unless you truly just want to.
I agree with this. We've been defacto since 1993. Because our laws provide the same protection as a marriage certificate would, there's no reason to marry. I've already discovered that a marriage certificate doesn't provide any kind of guarantee.
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Old 28th January 2018, 5:16 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by Danika View Post
Is this true? Men, are you more likely to propose if you don't live together because then there is incentive to get married? Or do you need to see what cohabitating is like before jumping into marriage?
Has anyone noticed the conflict of old and new in this question?

There's the modernity of living together juxtaposed with the old fashioned style of a man proposing marriage when he's good and ready.

I think that if a couple is modern enough to live together, they are also modern enough to get to the point of marriage by way of discussion and understanding the timeline and needs of each individual.
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