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Fiance's sister didn't congratulate us


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Old 18th October 2017, 3:22 PM   #1
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Fiance's sister didn't congratulate us

I mostly just need to vent, but any advice or encouragement is welcome.

After dating for three years, my SO and I got engaged. This happened about 10 days ago while visiting my folks. My parents and brother were the first to hear the news. They're really happy for us. My fiance's best friends are thrilled. His parents are happy for us. But his siblings? Not at all. I'm not surprised, since they've disliked me for the past two years.

For the longest time, I cared what they thought. Now I'm just tired of caring. I'm tired of overlooking the things they do. One of the worst things came from his older brother, who basically encouraged him to break up with me. I'd rather not get into all the details. Long story short, we're still together. And I'm not going to lie: I feel seriously resentful of my SO's siblings for interfering in our relationship. My SO used to make excuses for them, but he got fed up this summer. They got in a fight, and now he avoids spending time with them. He does, however, still talk to them.

So, yeah. That all happened before we got engaged. We announced our engagement to his parents in person. He chose to tell his siblings on his own. Through text message. I wouldn't do that personally, but that's what he thought was best. His oldest brother (the one I actually get along with) called to congratulate him. His younger sister told him that she loves him and supports whatever choice he makes. SO isn't happy with her response. I know she's not happy for us, but I'm glad that she said something positive. She obviously wants to keep a good relationship with her brother, which I completely support.

His older sister didn't respond. She was supposed to have borrowed his truck that week. After hearing the news, she must have changed her mind about wanting it, because she didn't come over for it or contact him about it. She hasn't said a word to him. That stuff doesn't really hurt me anymore. But I'm pissed that she's acting this way towards her little brother. He has done so much to help her without asking for much in return. He paid for her house for a year (putting himself into debt in the process) after she gambled away all her money. She never did pay him back, but she goes off on vacation 2-3 times each year. When she needs help around the house (her husband isn't very handy), my SO goes over and helps her. He has babysat her kids many times. If she needs to bring home furniture, he picks it up in his truck and delivers it to her house. She doesn't really do much back (which I keep my mouth shut about), yet she accuses me of using my SO. Aaaand I could go on and on about why I dislike her. But right now I'm angry that she's choosing to completely ignore her brother. The one time he could really use her support, she ignores him.

So..... should we invite her to our wedding? My fiance gets to decide, of course. I support whatever choice he makes. But I'm curious to know what other people think. Should we invite someone who reacted this way? It has been one week since he told her the news, and she still isn't talking to him. We're not sending invitations ASAP, but we do need to make our guest list and start planning things soon.
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Old 18th October 2017, 3:27 PM   #2
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Just the fact that you're considering not inviting your SO's sister to your wedding kind of seems like she may have a reason not to like you.
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Old 18th October 2017, 4:14 PM   #3
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Just the fact that you're considering not inviting your SO's sister to your wedding kind of seems like she may have a reason not to like you.
We want people at our wedding who love and support us. If she is able to act supportive, of course she is welcome. If she can't, then it's best that she doesn't come.

Are you taking her side for a particular reason?

Last edited by SpiralOut; 18th October 2017 at 4:21 PM..
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Old 18th October 2017, 4:22 PM   #4
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So..... should we invite her to our wedding? My fiance gets to decide, of course. I support whatever choice he makes. But I'm curious to know what other people think. Should we invite someone who reacted this way? It has been one week since he told her the news, and she still isn't talking to him. We're not sending invitations ASAP, but we do need to make our guest list and start planning things soon.

Congratulations on your engagement. Happy wedding planning. Not to rain on your parade but fair warning, WP is very stressful. I hated it. I hope you have a better easier time but based on your situation & this Q, it looks like you are in for one heck of a possibly not so fun ride.

In your shoes, I'd stay the heck out of it. Let him make up his guest list for his side & you just work with him to address the invitations & assemble the package (with all the RSVP cards & tissue paper etc).

I'd invite all the siblings. Be the bigger person. Hopefully they won't come.

When you do your pre-marital counseling be sure to bring up these sore spots so you can get help addressing them
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Old 18th October 2017, 4:33 PM   #5
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Congratulations on your engagement. Happy wedding planning. Not to rain on your parade but fair warning, WP is very stressful. I hated it. I hope you have a better easier time but based on your situation & this Q, it looks like you are in for one heck of a possibly not so fun ride.

In your shoes, I'd stay the heck out of it. Let him make up his guest list for his side & you just work with him to address the invitations & assemble the package (with all the RSVP cards & tissue paper etc).

I'd invite all the siblings. Be the bigger person. Hopefully they won't come.

When you do your pre-marital counseling be sure to bring up these sore spots so you can get help addressing them
Thanks! Yeah, we seriously considered eloping because we knew how stressful it would be to plan a wedding. We've decided to have the venue closer to my folks' place so I'll have more emotional support in the weeks leading up to the big day. We don't see them that much anyway, so this is a good opportunity to visit with them a bit longer than usual. We're also keeping the guest list fairly small.

How soon do you recommend doing premarital counseling?

Last edited by SpiralOut; 18th October 2017 at 4:37 PM..
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Old 18th October 2017, 4:49 PM   #6
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We want people at our wedding who love and support us. If she is able to act supportive, of course she is welcome. If she can't, then it's best that she doesn't come.

Are you taking her side for a particular reason?
I'm not taking a side. I'm just pointing out what I see to be a reason why she may not like you.

You're thinking about not inviting her to her own brother's wedding. She very well may sense how you really feel about her.

You really can't blame her for her disappointment in knowing you're here to stay.

Personally I think it's a shame that with all the joy you should be experiencing currently you are focusing on the one person who makes you miserable.
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Old 18th October 2017, 4:52 PM   #7
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Schedule the counseling soon; it can be tough to arrange & you want to have back up dates if you need to cancel for weather or illness Ours was mandated by our Church. You want it to fall around the mid-way point.

A few things / tips/ things I wish I knew: weddings are ghastly expensive. Start with the money. Either set your guest list & add to come up with a budget or set a budget then try to fit things in. When guestimating costs add 20% & round up so you have enough $$. Don't forget tax & tip.

Shop around for things. Some vendors tack on huge mark-ups for everything wedding related. My dad wanted me to wear a veil so I went shopping for one. I was horrified at the prices, $400+ for a piece of tulle, some crystals & a plastic comb. I found a veil on line or $12 which was absolutely gorgeous in the pictures.

Venues book up early. Some need a year +. If the date is more important to you, be flexible on the location. If the venue is more important you may have to be flexible on the date. October is now the busiest wedding month, having surpassed June.

Some wedding dresses take between 6 - 9 months to create. They are not ready to wear off the rack products.

I'd skip sending the siblings save the date cards (I skipped them altogether) because with less notice and the travel to your parents they might not come.

Somewhere along this process, people will let you down & hurt your feelings. I was heartbroken that my friends weren't more excited & supportive of my wedding. It took a while for me to wrap my head around the idea that they didn't care about my big day as much as I did.

I'm generally a strong person, DH & I have a solid relationship & had a pretty stress free time with no money worries, even brining my wedding in 22% under budget, but the pressure of planning & executing the "perfect day" had me crying in the shower 2-3 x per week.

In the end stuff went wrong on our day. Almost 10 years later I can tell you about all the things I hated. The two good things -- seeing my amazing groom for the 1st time & actually saying the words looking in eyes surpass all the bad stuff. Just be prepared for snafus.

Enjoy the happy time. Savour your engaged Thanksgiving, Christmas & Valentine's Day.
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Old 18th October 2017, 5:23 PM   #8
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I'm not taking a side. I'm just pointing out what I see to be a reason why she may not like you.

You're thinking about not inviting her to her own brother's wedding. She very well may sense how you really feel about her.

You really can't blame her for her disappointment in knowing you're here to stay.

Personally I think it's a shame that with all the joy you should be experiencing currently you are focusing on the one person who makes you miserable.
Ah. Well, I think her initial reason for disliking me has little to do with me. She also strongly disliked two of her other SILs for the longest time. I had no issue with her until I found out she was gossiping about me. Which then caused me to distrust her and watch her carefully, which led me to actually dislike her, which she probably then picked up on, which then gave her more reason to dislike me, and so on and so on.

At this point I'm just avoiding her until my fiancee sorts out his own relationship with her. He has never been close to her. He told me he avoids her (since even before meeting me) because he thinks she isn't very nice. And for the record, I don't blame her for being disappointed. I don't expect her to act excited. But I think it's equally disappointing that she's choosing to handle the news this way. My SO sounded pretty hurt when he told me about it. Oh well. Like you say, I shouldn't spend too much time worrying about it. My brain just does what it wants. One minute I'm excited, the next I'm thinking about this crap and feeling stressed out.

Last edited by SpiralOut; 18th October 2017 at 5:33 PM..
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Old 18th October 2017, 5:59 PM   #9
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Well like d0nnivain says it's stressful enough. No need to worry about if she's happy about it or not, especially since she's making her brother sad.

Hopefully she'll come around and stop being so bitter towards you both.

But I wouldn't not invite her. Extend the olive branch because it's the right thing to do.

Congratulations by the way
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Old 18th October 2017, 7:09 PM   #10
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Congratulations on your engagement! I went through a similar situation while planning my wedding. Two members of my extended family were really awful because we didn't want a religious wedding. They both threatened not to come but we put the ball in their court and invited them anyway. One person came the other declined. We had a beautiful wonderful wedding anyway with 170 guests that love us!
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Old 21st October 2017, 3:56 PM   #11
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It's your fiance decision.
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Old 21st October 2017, 4:30 PM   #12
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It is not uncommon for a family member to not accept the idea of one of the family getting married - to anyone. Ignore you feelings and behave like you are supposed to.
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Old 22nd October 2017, 4:48 AM   #13
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It'd be one thing if it were one sibling, but all three of them have issues with you? If those aren't resolved or if he doesn't cut ties altogether it's only going to get worse.

My husband's best friend had a pretty bad relationship with his sister that deteriorated steadily in the months approaching his wedding day. Two days before he finally just said "If you can't be happy for us, don't come." She didn't (but was of course hilariously passive-aggressive about it on Facebook). They haven't spoken in over a year and he is much better off for it.

We had our dream wedding with about 70 people and only immediate family members. It was perfect, elegant, and could not have been any better, but even that included some exasperated tears in the weeks leading up to it. I would have been a mess if I were contending with people who didn't actually want to be involved.

It is your fiancÚ's decision about whether to invite them. I can understand why he wouldn't want to cut siblings out, but if they aren't even happy for him then it's really going to make the experience miserable. Elope and have a party with friends later.
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Old 22nd October 2017, 2:19 PM   #14
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It is your fiancÚ's decision about whether to invite them. I can understand why he wouldn't want to cut siblings out, but if they aren't even happy for him then it's really going to make the experience miserable. Elope and have a party with friends later.
Yeah, that's what I'm worried about. I can't stand the idea of getting married in front of people who don't agree with our choice. I would feel uncomfortable having them there. They wouldn't enjoy themselves either.

He wants to invite them. So we will. If they come, I will just deal with it. We've decided to have the wedding in 2019. Most of the venues we're looking at get booked at least a year in advance, and I don't want to feel rushed with the planning. I'm really hoping they'll warm up to the idea by then. At this point I don't know if it's possible to improve my relationship with them.

His brother just got back from his trip and told my fiancee that he thinks he's making a mistake. I don't know what exact wording he used, but it was along those lines. I'll make sure to remember that 10 years from now when we're still happily together.

Last edited by SpiralOut; 22nd October 2017 at 2:25 PM..
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Old 22nd October 2017, 7:27 PM   #15
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What is going on here? Not everyone always gets along, but three of his siblings believe your marriage is a bad idea? Even the one who gets along with you thinks it's a mistake? Why are they so against it?

You both should get counseling immediately if you haven't started already. Losing one familial relationship is hard enough, but your fiancÚ may end up severing or limiting three of the most important relationships in his life with this. In addition to the short-term stress of wedding planning this is going to be an issue for the entirety of your marriage and could lead to real strain and resentment if you don't have a plan moving forward.
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