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Fiancé had a lap dance 3 weeks before our wedding


Getting Married Cold feet to pre-marital stressors--the place to discuss all the issues that come with saying "I do."

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Old 22nd August 2017, 10:31 AM   #46
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OP, postpone the marriage.

Take your time to get into the right mind to be able to decide on your own. It really doesn't matter how or what others feel. It's about how you feel. You have to live with that decision. Take your time. Postpone.

I agree. The OP is the one who needs to be okay with what happened before she enters into something as dead-serious as marriage.
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Old 22nd August 2017, 12:03 PM   #47
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It's not the "codes" that are the problem. It's the fact that they're being used as an excuse to lie to one's partner that is the problem. I'm not sure the bikers and marines you mention will all be on board with themselves being listed as examples of people who would lie to their wives for their "bros", especially if said lying was all done for the sole purpose of going to a strip club. Come on... we're not talking about state secrets or protecting lives here.

Of course, none of this is relevant to the OP's partner - to his credit, he was honest with her. I'm taking issue with the suggestion that he's any "less of a man" just because he was honest with his wife. On the contrary, I think that it makes him MORE of a man to think for himself and to hold himself to a higher ethical standard, rather than going along with the brother's suggestion to lie.
My point in that post was men living by codes is common. Simply pointing out that several groups of men have codes.

Some people seemed to be suggesting that man laws or man codes were "ridiculous" - not a real thing. That's not the case.

Lastly, you have you'd have to be extremely naive to think men in brotherhoods - men who live by a code - go around snitching on their friends in some misguided attempt to be "ethical". That they tell their wives everything and wouldn't cover things like going to a strip club.
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Old 22nd August 2017, 6:04 PM   #48
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OP I can understand how you feel.

When I got together with my BF I had been dating in poly so I don't typically have jealousy issues. I told him that I didn't want poly and that I expected him to be honest and upfront with me. I wouldn't necessarily take things off the table but it had to be a team sport.

Months later I found out he was visiting strip clubs monthly (on top of our fantastic, frequent sex life). I knew he had befriended one of them but I didn't know there were 2 others who he also met with outside the club. He did tell me when I point blank asked him about it but it wasn't something he disclosed to me ahead of time.

In your case I could probably forgive it as a one time thing even though I think if he really could put your interests ahead of his (which is important for a partner) he would have stood up to his buddies or at the most had a drink in the club and left. Clubs in my area also include touching.

In my case I still don't know whether to really trust my BF. But if yours has been solid everywhere else and it's not a pattern I can totally understand being hurt (and he probably would freak if the roles had been reversed). It's hurtful and feels like a betrayal.

The other thing I look for in these cases is the emotional connection. Many men go there for the connection with a woman. I doubt that was it in your case since it sounds like a one time thing. But that is where it pulls into dealbreaker to me. Lying about it too would be. Doesn't sound like it happened here.
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Old 22nd August 2017, 8:24 PM   #49
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Every so often one of these threads comes up.

I really can't understand what the deal is with these "batchelor parties", maybe it's because I'm a stuffy 'ole Brit

IMO the issue here is not so much what happened at the strip club but the fact that the fiance allowed himself to be lead astray in the first place. He told the OP that he didn't want strippers but gave in to peer pressure.

And then his mates wanted to disrespect the OP by keeping it from her.

OK he "came clean", but then told the OP not to talk about it because he didn't want to look a wuss in front of his mates.

I would wonder how he would hold up under peer pressure in a different situation? Let's say all the guys at work were fiddling their expenses, would he go along with that?

OP I think you should postpone the wedding until you have your head together over this.
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Old 23rd August 2017, 2:55 AM   #50
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I would wonder how he would hold up under peer pressure in a different situation? Let's say all the guys at work were fiddling their expenses, would he go along with that?

OP I think you should postpone the wedding until you have your head together over this.
To be fair, I wouldn't necessarily extrapolate caving in to peer pressure to do something that appears to be normal in the OP's culture, to committing legal crimes. Not saying the OP's fiance or his mates were right, just that I don't think we should assume anything else based on what he did.

That being said, if the OP really is cut up over this, postponing the wedding could be a good idea. Depending on how things work with registrations, that might not necessarily get her out of a legally-binding marriage though (in some cases the couple is registered before the wedding).

After reading this thread though, I must say that I am REALLY glad that I'm not with a guy from such a culture! Would be a total culture shock for both of us.
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Old 23rd August 2017, 5:32 AM   #51
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This isn't even a widespread American thing. In my immediate "culture" (professionals, homeowners, late 20s to early 30s) every bachelor party has been meeting with friends at a brewery or distillery, or going rock climbing together, trapeze lessons, hiking, etc. At least one party I know of was a joint bachelor-bachelorette. I don't know a single person who got strippers or lap dances. It's not the norm, it's not about masculinity, and nobody should encourage keeping secrets from spouses. I know operators and doorkickers who would never dream of doing anything like this.

OP, spend some time thinking about this. I agree that bachelor party shenanigans rarely rise to the level of lawbreaking, but if you have concerns about his honesty and integrity then don't ignore them. Do you feel comfortable trusting him in your everyday life? If not, do you really want to marry someone who will make you worry this way?
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Old 23rd August 2017, 9:44 AM   #52
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This isn't even a widespread American thing. In my immediate "culture" (professionals, homeowners, late 20s to early 30s) every bachelor party has been meeting with friends at a brewery or distillery, or going rock climbing together, trapeze lessons, hiking, etc. At least one party I know of was a joint bachelor-bachelorette. I don't know a single person who got strippers or lap dances.
Good to know that! I thought I was in some alternate universe, reading some replies about how it's assumed that every man should hang out with strippers before his wedding and not tell his wife about it because "bro code".
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Old 23rd August 2017, 5:01 PM   #53
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This isn't even a widespread American thing. In my immediate "culture" (professionals, homeowners, late 20s to early 30s) every bachelor party has been meeting with friends at a brewery or distillery, or going rock climbing together, trapeze lessons, hiking, etc. At least one party I know of was a joint bachelor-bachelorette. I don't know a single person who got strippers or lap dances. It's not the norm, it's not about masculinity, and nobody should encourage keeping secrets from spouses. I know operators and doorkickers who would never dream of doing anything like this.

OP, spend some time thinking about this. I agree that bachelor party shenanigans rarely rise to the level of lawbreaking, but if you have concerns about his honesty and integrity then don't ignore them. Do you feel comfortable trusting him in your everyday life? If not, do you really want to marry someone who will make you worry this way?

Same here. I went to a long time friend's bachelor party. We raced go carts, had dinner, and got drunk. Another friend of mine went to a pro basketball game. My XH did the same. I know of only one bachelor party in the last 15 years where it included a strip club (and I work in a male-dominated industry and they don't hold back from me).
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Old 24th August 2017, 8:35 PM   #54
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It's not a big deal, I agree with the others, yet I also don't think that these ''parties'' are absolutely necessary. Couples should discuss what makes them comfortable/uncomfortable, at least.
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Old 24th August 2017, 11:02 PM   #55
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your brother is a jerk.

your fiancé sounds like a decent guy unless this becomes a pattern.
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Old 25th August 2017, 5:12 PM   #56
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I think of this is such a big deal, than you're going to have a lot of trouble handling marriage! The guy was honest, your brother wanted to throw him a cool bachelor party, all "normal" for men. If you make a big deal, you're going to cause mistrust between your brother, husband & all the other men that were there...not to mention that's a good way to get a new husband not to open up to you again.

The man proved to be trust worthy & your insecurity is clouding your mind, I would bet that mixed in with plain old cold feet. Don't allow your nerves to blow up your wedding. All that happened is the man you're going to marry loves you enough to be honest...which is a good thing. Don't ruin your own wedding bc of insecurities...good luck
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Old 26th August 2017, 7:49 AM   #57
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I know a guy whose fiancee told him a stag/bachelor party was a no go. This was late 1990's. Now, his male circle is varied, but think Tri-State area hormone fueled guys of all ages.

He agreed, and planned a dinner with friends as his bachelor party. To this day his wife thinks that is what he did.

Instead, his friends threw him the most rancous, down and dirty bachelor party any hot redded male could imagine. And she never knew.

He cheated on her. Before during and after basically. He is still cheating on her.

Do you have your answer yet? Your fiancee seems like one of the good guys. He was honest with you.

I hope you can work this out. Good luck.
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Old 26th August 2017, 8:16 AM   #58
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Your fiancee seems like one of the good guys. He was honest with you.
There seems to be some emphasis place on how "honest" the fiancé was, but we actually have no idea of how honest he really is.

People in general when they find themselves in tricky situations tend to sugar coat their actions, they tend to provide the best and most believable story they can think up to get themselves off the hook. He may have been "honest" but maybe not. Sometimes an "honest" confession is just a way to put someone off the real track...
He may have actually begged the brother and his friends to go to the lap dancing venue, had sex with the lap-dancer and concocted the cover story on the way home..,
Who actually knows where the real truth lies?
Is he a good guy?
NO idea.

I guess the fiancée of the guy in your story thought he was being "honest" when he told her about the dinner too...
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Old 26th August 2017, 6:19 PM   #59
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Your man's friends did what guys typically do for bachelor parties.
depends on the culture - that's an American custom. you won't really see that in Europe, for example --- most bachelor parties do not include women, at all.

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You should have expected that...
she shouldn't have. this is a rough, kind of a... DEAL WITH IT!... lazy comment that i would have never expected from you.

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Now you're trying to manipulate him emotionally by acting "embarrassed and disrespected" over something you know traditionally occurs all of the time.

I feel sorry for the guy if this is what he has to look forward to in marriage. Even when he's honest.
come through, Jerry Springer! it's REALLY not that deep.

she feels uncomfortable because her future husband had another naked woman dancing in his lap - that is a NORMAL reaction. furthermore, she probably feels uncomfortable knowing her brother encouraged the situation.

now... i don't understand why you keep insisting that she should just deal with it because... you know, it's a tradition. it's a custom. so she should just shut it and stop being such a drama queen. because she knew what to expect and because boys will be boys and do what boys do and how dare she feel uncomfortable and insecure? i mean, HOW DARE SHE?!

shocking, this one.

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That they tell their wives everything...
most of them do, actually.

men gossip WAY more than women ever could & i have YET to meet a man who can actually keep a secret. this code thing must be yet another unique American custom, i guess.

Last edited by minimariah; 26th August 2017 at 6:23 PM..
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Old 26th August 2017, 6:33 PM   #60
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It's grown men stay out of other grown men's affairs. Minding your business. Not a difficult concept.
it's a concept that doesn't really make sense - by default... when you're close with someone, TRULY tight with someone... you mind their business, to a certain extent. you just choose WHICH business you'll mind - that's the key.

if you're cool with cheating and don't really have a problem with it, you'll turn your head the other way if it happens in your company. if you DO have a problem with it, it will make you feel unfomcortable and you'll question your choice of people you decide to associate with.

the entire NO SNITCH code doesn't make sense either - it is somehing that creates the air of faux loyalty and connects people based on them keeping each other secrets they keep; they delude themselves thinking they're BETTER because they don't SNITCH and snitching is, of course, telling every uncomfortable or embarrassing truth.

boring.
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