Engaged but having a rough time

[autolove]

Hey Guys,

 

We have been engaged for a few months now. Everything seemed fine until we started going to a few vendor appointments. We go in there with a game plan and when they give us a quotation.... she puts me on the spot and says what do you think Autolove? Like she is waiting for an answer... It's embarrassing because, it's always me telling her, It's not what we discussed.

 

Then we get into an argument and she says I am fighting her on everything. Meanwhile I am more concerned about our budgets. We have yet to buy a home (eventhough initially she mentioned she wanted US to live with her parents in their basement) I refused and we talked about it, she agreed then, it's not a good idea. Is she trying to go back to that idea? Or am I being paranoid?

 

Also, during our talks about a home... we got to talking about how we would like to furnish it... she wants me to accept everything her parents are "buying" for us (eventhough financially we are ok) and I've told her I don't want stuff just being piled into our home. I want to know what we are putting in... she gets upset.

 

But here's the kicker, she gets very upset when I say, I want sentimental things from my childhood, that I'd like to put in our home. She throws tantrums and complains and compares me to other "successful" couples. She smiles and holds my hand in and during this appointments but the moment I express my own view and it;s not inline with hers... she gets argumentative and explosive.

 

Please help me understand this. By nature I am a very calm and logical person. I have been trying to understand her behavior for some time... we've made great progress but it somehow keeps coming back to this.

 

She also constantly brings up past mistakes and fights to make matters worse and holds on to grudges.

 

AL

[Blanco]

I'm hesitant to suggest the nuke button, and understand that there are two sides to each story. Niceities out of the way, there are red flags galore here. Understand these things she does will likely only get worse: This is her best behavior right now. Imagine how she will be once you are married and "stuck."

 

EDIT: saw your other thread. Are you insane? You not only stayed in the relationship after what you posted in that thread but you asked this woman to be your wife? My heart is breaking thinking about how miserable you are going to be.

Edited July 19, 2017 by Blanco

[autolove]

I'm hesitant to suggest the nuke button, and understand that there are two sides to each story. Niceities out of the way, there are red flags galore here. Understand these things she does will likely only get worse: This is her best behavior right now. Imagine how she will be once you are married and "stuck."

 

I should mention, Part of my paranoia stems from the fact, I was previously engaged to be married. Since I was paying for 99% of the weddiembarresingng then, and I was borderline broke. I am afraid she will run our accounts in Overdraft.In that relationship, I would call all the shots and she was very happy with it. Not the way I wanted to start this chapter of my life.

 

I try to explain to her, how it's okay to have a difference in opinion. She loves drama, talking about other people and their business. I think it's the way she was raised, but she negates it and says otherwise. My personality is such, where I could care less what other people are doing... no need to judge or pass unwanted comments.

 

With all these appointments, her ugly side is coming out more often and it's getting annoying.

 

I am afraid to end it... I love her. I care for her but I can't say I am very happy. There are days I am happy but there are days I am miserable. I have to walk on egg shells with her and be a yes man just to keep the peace. I don't think she gets along well with my family either, she smiles with all of them, kisses on both cheeks but then grumbles about what they may have said and even though in general conversation, she feels as though they are attacking her.

 

It's so weird.

 

EDIT - I didn't want to end it earlier, because I thought I could change her and help her. I also didn't have the balls to be the person who would crush her world.

 

I am very curious to reach out to her ex's to get the scoop. She mentions of the one ex who has been trying to get back with her. Is this a ploy to get me rowdy? Because it works every single time....

She says she was brought up in a strict household, she;s Portuguese if that makes any difference. I asked her parents point blank why she behaves like this, they turned around and said to me.... she's changed since she's been w/ you.... She's different. Alluding to the fact, that I am to blame? All her siblings constantly tell her to relax, not get so worked up etc. She talks unwanted bs to her older nephews and sometimes even they get annoyed with her.

Edited July 19, 2017 by autolove

[Blanco]

You can't change people. Remember that.

 

And why should she change? She acted like a raging child and you responded by... proposing to her.

[MJJean]

Never, ever, ever, ever marry someone you hope will change or that you think you can "help". If you don't want to spend the rest of your life with her "as is", then you need to end the engagement or at very least postpone the wedding.

[Zahara]

I read your other thread. I am not sure what would compel you to want to get married -- unless you think marriage will change things.

 

People don't change. You either accept and embrace that there will be more or even worse times to come or you. Or, find some way through your "love" fog and realize that this/she is not an emotionally and mentally healthy partner and move on.

 

You're complaining now -- wait till after the marriage. I have an uncle that married my aunt who sounds like your GF. Decades later, he is a broken man. Don't do this to yourself.

 

Love just isn't enough.

[Downtown]

She throws tantrums.... Please help me understand this.... I have been trying to understand her behavior for some time.

AutoLove, several of us tried to help you understand this pattern of behavior last November. Smakie, Selinaluv, Jose and I explained that the behaviors you describe are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I therefore suggest that you reread our comments in your first thread.

 

If you really are intending to marry this young lady, I again suggest that you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a psychologist, you take a look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar.

[GoBroncs1983]

AL, I had a very similar ex-girlfriend who exhibited many of the same characteristics of your current fiance. She was never aggressive or violent with her arguments or fighting, but knew how to exactly push my buttons, hurt me emotionally, and create chaos in our relationship. She broke up with me seven times in five years. Read my thread and see what I went through:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/431044-explain-my-ex-s-behavior-just-want-understand

 

Since I was paying for 99% of the weddiembarresingng then, and I was borderline broke. I am afraid she will run our accounts in Overdraft

 

Then why allow it to happen if you can see it coming?

 

With all these appointments, her ugly side is coming out more often and it's getting annoying.

 

She is feeling engulfed. She likes the IDEA of being engaged, but not actually doing anything to further that status.

 

I don't think she gets along well with my family either, she smiles with all of them, kisses on both cheeks but then grumbles about what they may have said and even though in general conversation, she feels as though they are attacking her.

 

My ex was the same way with my family. She went over to my parents' house for one Christmas, but nothing thereafter in 5 years. She would complain about little things about my parents, but never got too personal with me. She would say she just thought we should spend holidays either together just the two of us, or go to our families separately. I never spent a single holiday with her family for this reason.

 

EDIT - I didn't want to end it earlier, because I thought I could change her and help her. I also didn't have the balls to be the person who would crush her world.

 

I had this EXACT feeling with my ex - that if I broke up with her, she would be completely devastated and perhaps even commit suicide. She made me seem like I was her entire world, and leaned on me for almost EVERY major decision in her life. I was the one who bought a new car and gave her my old one. I was the one who paid most of the rent so she could attend school. I was the one who drove her all over when she didn't have a working car. It made me feel like she would be hopeless without me.

 

But you know what? Ultimately, it wasn't my problem. But she made it OUR problem, and because I am co-dependent, I let her do so.

 

She will eventually break up with you, if she hasn't already. I didn't read too deeply into your other thread. And she will replace you with someone else, fast. She will probably have him ready to go when she breaks up with you. That is what my ex did to me THREE times. First was a fellow student at college. She second was a co-worker. Both of those she grew tired of quickly and weeped to me begging me to take her back. I did. Third time was the security guard at her work that she made fun of to me every night when she would come home. It didn't matter. She had to attach.

 

What I'm saying is she will survive if you leave her. She will quickly hook up with another guy and it will seem like they are madly in love and you were an afterthought. You won't be. She just needs to attach.

 

I am very curious to reach out to her ex's to get the scoop. She mentions of the one ex who has been trying to get back with her. Is this a ploy to get me rowdy? Because it works every single time....

 

She is using triangulation, and whether or not this guy really wants her back doesn't matter. She is portraying herself as a prize to be won. My ex did this several times, both with the men she replaced me with after breakups, and just guys she worked with. She would talk about them incessantly. And I would get mad, and we would fight. Just like she wanted.

 

I'm afraid you will be like me and not realize it until it's too late, and she will continue to hurt you and will eventually leave you. And it will hurt you 1000 times more than anything she is doing right now. She cannot be "fixed." But you can walk away. Go see a psychologist. Learn to love yourself and learn to survive without a girlfriend in your life. A partner should be an added blessing to a great life. Not a crutch you lean on emotionally to survive. She has made it that way for you.

 

It. Will. Not. Get. Better. I have been there. I know.

 

Get out while you still can.

[d0nnivain]

Finances break up a lot of marriages. If you two already have money issues because she can't keep to a budget & is already on some "keeping up with the Jones" comparison to other "successful" couples you have to iron those things out before you lose your shirt on this wedding.

 

 

Is she the type that will respond to numbers? Make a spreadsheet. Show her the budget & what the particular vendor wanted to charge. Ask her where the difference is coming from.

 

 

You also need to get her to respect your relationship enough to stop putting you on the spot. She has to agree to absorb information at these look-sees & then talk about money privately not in front of the vendor.

 

 

Frankly she doesn't sound mature enough to get married.

[preraph]

You are both wanting to furnish the place on your own without the other's stuff. This is a big problem. Usually men will hand over the decorating reins to a woman, but certainly not always. And I can see why you'd want input. I would never agree to her letting her parents furnish it for you either, for many reasons. I do think you both need to agree on the furniture and belongings in the main public rooms in the house, and then you both would ideally have a room of your own, whether guest room or office, where you are free to put your crap from your childhood and she has a place to put her stuff you hate.

 

Of course, living in a basement is OUT of the question. You need a lot of rooms or you two will never be happy with the furnishings. The main rooms need to be you two agreeing on a look at the furniture store, like a whole room or whatever, and neither of you will likely be all the way happy with the compromise.

 

I remember when I was young, my mom had the 50s look of stuff, blond furniture, modern couch, green walls, etc, but my dad would always plop a black pleatherette recliner right in the middle of it, ruining the whole ambience. It's an age-old problem.

 

Like me, I would never agree to let some guy come in and hang up animal antlers or parts (but then unlikely I'd fall for a hunter) or nerdy stuff like actions figures. I mean, I just wouldn't live with someone who would do that. But most people have their crap like that they are sentimental about from childhood and it belongs in the basement -- your own basement.

[Blanco]

Why are we focusing on couches and decor? This guy needs to get away from this woman yesterday. He dodged a bullet with his first engagement, but it sounds like he's just repeating the same thing.

[lana-banana]

Why are we focusing on couches and decor? This guy needs to get away from this woman yesterday. He dodged a bullet with his first engagement, but it sounds like he's just repeating the same thing.

 

This is correct. OP is a guy complaining about the inconvenience of house hunting while his house burns down around him. I wanted to be sympathetic, but when you propose to someone you are tacitly expressing your willingness to put up with them for the rest of your life. You can't expect her to change because you've given her no reason to. You are a man in denial, not just about who your fiancee really is but about the whole truth of your relationship. You say in your post that "everything was fine" but in your previous thread describe your relationship as a "*****show". This isn't going to change once you're married.

 

For the sake of your well-being and sanity you need to walk. Will you have the courage to do it?