LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Transitioning > Getting Married

Engaged but needs time...


Getting Married Cold feet to pre-marital stressors--the place to discuss all the issues that come with saying "I do."

Like Tree27Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 24th June 2017, 8:47 AM   #16
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,073
Quote:
Originally Posted by simpleNfit View Post
Absolutely. All of the RECENT studies of 20-somethings having brains that are not FULLY matured is very odd to me.
This ^ is a result of reading popular science and ignoring the actual one. Things get lost in translation. To be media-appropriate flashy titles that do not correspond to reality are put to popular science article. When I asked (over and over here and elsewhere) to show me *original* studies I was referred to popular studies... Well that's for the 'science behind'.

20 years old were, are and will be fully matured adults, if someone wants to excuse their own mistakes with their brain development, fine

OP's GF indeed is getting cold feet for settling and even if she was 53 - same thing could have happened. Marriage is just a life-changing event so people get scared.
No_Go is offline  
Old 24th June 2017, 8:54 AM   #17
Established Member
 
elaine567's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 13,795
Happens all the time.
Older guy finds teenager/early twenties woman. He is looking for wife material and thinks he has found the perfect specimen.
Few years later he is ready for marriage.
She likes the thought of playing house and everything is great. Older guy more money, knows what he is doing, sounds fine
BUT one day she realises that she is getting bored, the age gap is biting, guys her own age are starting to look hotter, they now also have money good jobs, careers and houses, they can show her a good time, and she is stuck with this older guy who doesn't really understand her and he is now talking of tying her down with babies and she hasn't even had a chance to live yet...
She reneges, she moves easily on to the next.
It was just a filler relationship for her anyway.
He is heartbroken, his dreams shattered...
elaine567 is offline  
Old 25th June 2017, 5:53 PM   #18
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 17,503
Quote:
Originally Posted by No_Go View Post
It is interesting... The top fertility years are 20-25. Only in the past few decades people has started marrying past age 20-25.

Moreover, at OP's fiancees age (23) people for centuries have been raising families, households, have been in the army, have been leading companies, have been governing countries. And now we treat 23 year olds as kids because their brain is not ready??

IDK, at 23 I was working on my PhD thesis, certainly more complicated than getting married... I actually regret I didn't spend time looking for a partner for marriage then, when I was still young and not pressured with the inevitable consequences of aging, and burdened with life experiences.

Honestly at 23 after few years relationship saying that she's not ready is not because she's 'young'. She's just not into him... He is better to cut his losses now.
The top fertility years were young because before 1960 no one had birth control so that's what happened. Doesn't mean it was the best thing all around, certainly not for the children being raised by children. In the short time since birth control, the upper age women can have babies has skyrocketed.
__________________
"I care not much for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln
preraph is offline  
Old 25th June 2017, 7:45 PM   #19
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,073
Facts are:

1) Enovid indeed was FDA approved in 1960 but other forms of contraception (condoms, diaphragms etc) has existed and has been used around the world many centuries before then

2) Here is an example of an observational study discussing fertility decline with age:

Increased infertility with age in men and women. Obstet Gynecol. 2004 Jan;103(1):51-6. Dunson DB, Baird DD, Colombo B.

'The percentage infertility was estimated at 8% for women aged 19–26 years, 13–14% for women aged 27–34 years and 18% for women aged 35–39 years.'

3) Here is an example of a study discussing the risk of genetic mutations with advanced maternal age:

Rates of chromosome abnormalities at different maternal ages. Obstet Gynecol. 1981 Sep;58(3):282-5. Hook EB.

'The estimated rate of all clinically significant cytogenetic abnormalities rises from about 2 per 1000 (1 per 500) at the youngest maternal ages to about 2.6 per 1000 (1 per 270) at age 30, 5.6 per 1000 (1 per 80) at age 35, 15.8 per 1000 (1 per 60) at age 40, and 53.7 per 1000 (1 per 20) at age 45'

I think the topic is critical enough to keep the things factual not emotional...

Quote:
Originally Posted by preraph View Post
The top fertility years were young because before 1960 no one had birth control so that's what happened. Doesn't mean it was the best thing all around, certainly not for the children being raised by children. In the short time since birth control, the upper age women can have babies has skyrocketed.
No_Go is offline  
Old 25th June 2017, 8:12 PM   #20
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 17,503
Quote:
Originally Posted by No_Go View Post
This ^ is a result of reading popular science and ignoring the actual one. Things get lost in translation. To be media-appropriate flashy titles that do not correspond to reality are put to popular science article. When I asked (over and over here and elsewhere) to show me *original* studies I was referred to popular studies... Well that's for the 'science behind'.

20 years old were, are and will be fully matured adults, if someone wants to excuse their own mistakes with their brain development, fine

OP's GF indeed is getting cold feet for settling and even if she was 53 - same thing could have happened. Marriage is just a life-changing event so people get scared.
The part of their brain that can predict consequences of their actions is not fully developed until they are mid-twenties. This is why a 30 year old dating a 20 year old is a huge gap and usually will not work out whereas a 30 year old dating a 40 year old usually isn't a big problem
preraph is offline  
Old 25th June 2017, 8:58 PM   #21
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 1,070
At 23, she's starting to live her own life and to make her own choices and that's what she needs to truly mature as a person (the same emerging independence that helped you to mature in your twenties). Often a significantly younger partner will mature incompatibly with you, most especially if they're still in their twenties. End the engagement and have an honest, painful discussion about your relationship.
preraph likes this.
O'Malley is offline  
Old 25th June 2017, 9:01 PM   #22
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 3,054
Oh but in the past marriages were more "simple", expectations lower, divorce harder to happen, and people lived shorter lives. Marriage was more of a contract, a way to divide labor and raise children, not primarily for personal fulfillment. So "compatibility " and "happiness " weren't really a priority .

Now everything is more complicated , people's lives evolve over the years, and life expectancy is mich higher.

As for the girl, unfortunately she doesn't love you. Might be cheating or at least flirting with some guy . It's better to break up and find someone who is into you and only into you. I'm sorry .
BluEyeL is offline  
Old 25th June 2017, 9:42 PM   #23
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,073
Quote:
Originally Posted by preraph View Post
The part of their brain that can predict consequences of their actions is not fully developed until they are mid-twenties. This is why a 30 year old dating a 20 year old is a huge gap and usually will not work out whereas a 30 year old dating a 40 year old usually isn't a big problem
I won't argue here before gathering enough evidence, but I still stand by my personal opinion that her cold feet have nothing to do with age, she just questions the guy.
BluEyeL likes this.
No_Go is offline  
Old 25th June 2017, 10:05 PM   #24
LoveShack.org Moderator
LoveShack.org Moderator
 
Robert's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Mars
Posts: 1,077
One post wonder. Thread closed. ~6
Robert is offline  
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
He wants to get engaged soon..but I can't stand him most of the time Tarisag Marriage & Life Partnerships 15 21st November 2013 8:20 PM
together 7 yrs, engaged 9 mo, she wants time/space cbghio Breaks and Breaking Up 9 26th March 2008 5:24 PM
Engaged and taking time apart...is this ok? What to do? cj2321 Getting Married 7 19th May 2005 1:57 PM
He's engaged..now he's not & is it worth my time SUGARMAGNOLIA Friends and Lovers 3 19th June 2003 2:43 PM
He's engaged..now he's not & is it worth my time SUGARMAGNOLIA Friends and Lovers 1 16th June 2003 5:28 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 4:44 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.