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Engaged but needs time...


Getting Married Cold feet to pre-marital stressors--the place to discuss all the issues that come with saying "I do."

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Old 21st June 2017, 6:06 AM   #1
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Engaged but needs time...

Hello,
First ever post here and appreciate your help.

My fiancée (23yrs) and I (31yrs) have been together for 2.5 years now. Engaged for about 16mos. We are planning to get married in September and the other day she came home and stated that she's not happy and needs to find herself. I asked her what that means and she just said that she's scared and needs to find out who she is.

I asked her if she wanted me to back off a little bit and she said no that she still loves me and wants to be with me but she may want to push the wedding back. I told her last night that I'm willing to do whatever she needs to make it work. I would rather wait 6 months or a year for whatever she needs to be together forever than get married and have her have regrets and lose her.

I'm going to back it off and let her start conersations via text or call and still be open with her at the house, we do live together.

Any advice or help you guys have for me would be greatly appreciated. We are also meeting with a pastor at our church for guidance as well.
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Old 21st June 2017, 8:48 AM   #2
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She is 23 she is just a kid. She has been dating you since she's what 20-21? She has not even turn into the woman she is meant to be. Before sharing yourself with someone in a marriage you first need to know who you are as a person and as a woman.

If I were you I would not delay the wedding, I would cancel it. I would also break the engagement. You can continue dating but as GF-BF. Take away ALL pressure by taking your engagement ring back. You can propose again when she's 25.
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Old 21st June 2017, 11:25 AM   #3
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She is 23 she is just a kid. She has been dating you since she's what 20-21? She has not even turn into the woman she is meant to be. Before sharing yourself with someone in a marriage you first need to know who you are as a person and as a woman.

If I were you I would not delay the wedding, I would cancel it. I would also break the engagement. You can continue dating but as GF-BF. Take away ALL pressure by taking your engagement ring back. You can propose again when she's 25.
I need to agree, unfortunately.

Her asking for a postponement of the wedding doesn't seem to mean a whole lot to me. I don't know how that will help her to 'find' herself by simply postponing the wedding. I hate to say this, but I really believe she wants to tell you that she doesn't wanted to get married right now or near future.

I like what Gaeta has to say. Go back to dating again w/o the specter or a wedding looming over her.
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Old 21st June 2017, 11:27 AM   #4
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...specter OF a wedding...
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Old 21st June 2017, 12:18 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by Steelers10 View Post
Hello,
First ever post here and appreciate your help.

My fiancée (23yrs) and I (31yrs) have been together for 2.5 years now. Engaged for about 16mos. We are planning to get married in September and the other day she came home and stated that she's not happy and needs to find herself. I asked her what that means and she just said that she's scared and needs to find out who she is.

I asked her if she wanted me to back off a little bit and she said no that she still loves me and wants to be with me but she may want to push the wedding back. I told her last night that I'm willing to do whatever she needs to make it work. I would rather wait 6 months or a year for whatever she needs to be together forever than get married and have her have regrets and lose her.

I'm going to back it off and let her start conersations via text or call and still be open with her at the house, we do live together.

Any advice or help you guys have for me would be greatly appreciated. We are also meeting with a pastor at our church for guidance as well.
I am very sorry this is going on. I am glad you two are still trying to make a go of things and that you are wiling to wait. Patience is a great tool in marriage. Also it's great you are getting counseling too, that will be very helpful. I wish you guys good luck, maybe she is worried about the date coming so quickly, maybe it is something else, just give her what she needs and work on yourself and let things happen naturally. Good luck
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Old 22nd June 2017, 4:12 AM   #6
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ok come on... why somebody told that she is young? if it really matters? sometimes 17th years girl can be more mature than 39th women. In my opinion you should let her go for while. Maybe she thinks that wants something different but after some days she will find out that being with you is everything what she wants if not... also should let her go.
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Old 22nd June 2017, 8:39 AM   #7
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she's not happy and needs to find herself
Tell her to look in a mirror.

99% of the time, anyone who uses this phrase, is cheating on you. Did she use the other common one yet, she loves you but is not in love with you? If not, it's coming soon, believe me.

The other 1% of the time she isn't cheating yet but is wondering if there's other guys out there that she could be happier with, and isn't ready to "settle" with you until she's checked the other options.

As for what to do. Here is what I would do. Cancel the wedding, get a refund on anything you've paid so far, if you've sent invitations then tell everyone it's off for now so they can get refunds for travel and accommodation etc. Tell her that you know there's more to the story than "finding herself" and if she doesn't tell you the full story then you're calling the wedding off for good.
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Old 22nd June 2017, 11:07 AM   #8
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ok come on... why somebody told that she is young? if it really matters? sometimes 17th years girl can be more mature than 39th women. In my opinion you should let her go for while. Maybe she thinks that wants something different but after some days she will find out that being with you is everything what she wants if not... also should let her go.
And I know 12 years old who are mature but it does not mean they are ready to marry !
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Old 22nd June 2017, 2:37 PM   #9
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I was about the same age when I met my XH and I married him around the same time. I changed a lot between early 20s and 30. Looking back I wish I would have thought about that myself. I don't think it necessarily means cheating but it does sound like cold feet at the idea of spending 60 years with someone.

The age difference wasn't what broke us up (I was the more mature one in the marriage). But if she's worried she doesn't know herself that is a concern going into a marriage and being able to make that type of commitment.
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Old 22nd June 2017, 9:50 PM   #10
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She's not into you. Sorry.
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Old 22nd June 2017, 11:00 PM   #11
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ok come on... why somebody told that she is young? if it really matters? sometimes 17th years girl can be more mature than 39th women. In my opinion you should let her go for while. Maybe she thinks that wants something different but after some days she will find out that being with you is everything what she wants if not... also should let her go.

Sorry, science doesn't agree. Until​ about age 25 the human brain is literally still physically developing. Pre age 25 we think primarily with our amagdala, the emotional section of the brain. Once the neural connections finish establishing, we switch to thinking with the prefrontal cortex, which is the logic section.

So, until about age 25, we're literally not finished developing mentally.
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Old 23rd June 2017, 8:37 AM   #12
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I was about the same age when I met my XH and I married him around the same time. I changed a lot between early 20s and 30. Looking back I wish I would have thought about that myself. I don't think it necessarily means cheating but it does sound like cold feet at the idea of spending 60 years with someone.

The age difference wasn't what broke us up (I was the more mature one in the marriage). But if she's worried she doesn't know herself that is a concern going into a marriage and being able to make that type of commitment.
I married at 20 and it's one of my biggest regrets. I had no clue what I was doing.
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Old 23rd June 2017, 9:44 AM   #13
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It is interesting... The top fertility years are 20-25. Only in the past few decades people has started marrying past age 20-25.

Moreover, at OP's fiancees age (23) people for centuries have been raising families, households, have been in the army, have been leading companies, have been governing countries. And now we treat 23 year olds as kids because their brain is not ready??

IDK, at 23 I was working on my PhD thesis, certainly more complicated than getting married... I actually regret I didn't spend time looking for a partner for marriage then, when I was still young and not pressured with the inevitable consequences of aging, and burdened with life experiences.

Honestly at 23 after few years relationship saying that she's not ready is not because she's 'young'. She's just not into him... He is better to cut his losses now.

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Originally Posted by MJJean View Post
Sorry, science doesn't agree. Until​ about age 25 the human brain is literally still physically developing. Pre age 25 we think primarily with our amagdala, the emotional section of the brain. Once the neural connections finish establishing, we switch to thinking with the prefrontal cortex, which is the logic section.

So, until about age 25, we're literally not finished developing mentally.
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Old 23rd June 2017, 3:40 PM   #14
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I married at 20 and it's one of my biggest regrets. I had no clue what I was doing.
Same here. If I had been wiser to what a good relationship looks like I would have left him before getting married. I had all the signs before we got engaged.
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Old 24th June 2017, 7:32 AM   #15
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It is interesting... The top fertility years are 20-25. Only in the past few decades people has started marrying past age 20-25.

Moreover, at OP's fiancees age (23) people for centuries have been raising families, households, have been in the army, have been leading companies, have been governing countries. And now we treat 23 year olds as kids because their brain is not ready??

IDK, at 23 I was working on my PhD thesis, certainly more complicated than getting married... I actually regret I didn't spend time looking for a partner for marriage then, when I was still young and not pressured with the inevitable consequences of aging, and burdened with life experiences.

Honestly at 23 after few years relationship saying that she's not ready is not because she's 'young'. She's just not into him... He is better to cut his losses now.
Absolutely. All of the RECENT studies of 20-somethings having brains that are not FULLY matured is very odd to me. When I grew up, young in HS and college, the vast majority of my peers were responsible. Now, it sounds like every other teen or 20-something is doing something rash and it's b/c of their brain??? Even today, I still don't see most teens or 20-somethings doing irresponsible things. Nature vs. Nurture. How teens and 20-somethings behave is, in my opinion, overwhelmingly influenced by Nurture, not these scans of 'under-developed' brains. How were you raised, by whom, who are your peers, etc.

Also, as you mention, far more people married in their 20s and many are now divorcing in their late 30s and 40s. Those are some lengthy marriages. Not forever, but it seems to me that for the 15-25 years of marriage, they new what they were doing.

I simply think the OP's gf is feeling that she is missing out. She wants to explore before settling. I know plenty of ladies who are dating in their 40s who regret not having done (travel, etc.) more before getting married. Their exes didn't provide the adventure they didn't know they wanted and now in their 40s, etc. they are looking for someone to help them catch up.

Anyway...
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