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Pre-engaged and getting emotional


Getting Married Cold feet to pre-marital stressors--the place to discuss all the issues that come with saying "I do."

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Old 19th June 2017, 10:04 AM   #1
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Pre-engaged and getting emotional

Hello, first ever post here. I've been in a relationship with my amazing, super sweet boyfriend for 2 years now. We're planning on getting engaged soon, I already designed the ring, it's been paid for and picked up....so it's the waiting game now. We have always been really happy, we're both Pisces for whatever that's worth. We are incredibly compatible, both come from great families with both sets of parents still happily married. We both led healthy lives before we met, and continue to. We have lived together for over a year now, have the best dog that we love to love together. My problem is that I am a very sensitive and emotional person, and have general anxiety on top of that. He is a very sweet and loving partner, but does not experience emotions the same way I do. There has been a recent pattern of me becoming upset and mad at him for no apparent reason. I will share something with him (just as an example- "it makes me so sad when I think of all the dogs that don't have homes in the world") and he will acknowledge and agree but it's like, I feel like he doesn't fully reciprocate my deep feelings that I am trying to convey. I think maybe I have a certain image of us laying and talking for hours, exploring each others minds and hearts like we did when we first met. I am nostalgic of that magical feeling that we had in the beginning, and I think that maybe the transition of getting married has something to do with all of this. And like I said, we are still SO happy and that magical feeling IS there, just less...no, not less, DIFFERENT. Evolved?

The other part of the problem is that I have no close friends in our city. I have close friends in other states that I do talk to, but no girlfriends that I see regularly and just hang out/vent/etc. I'm very close with my mom but when I talk to her about these things she just worries that we are going to break up (my parents adore him).

I'm spending the day away from him and trying to work on this myself, exploring my feelings and writing and doing meditation. Trying to figure out a solution here.

So that's where I am. Any advice or mutual understanding is so much appreciated.

thanks. : )
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Old 19th June 2017, 6:08 PM   #2
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Hi there!


It's normal for a relationship to evolve. And guys just don't express things the same way that women do, it's not that he doesn't feel the way you feel (because really, all dogs need a good home! )


Men tend to try and fix a problem where women want to talk about the problem. We're almost a different species sometimes--


Try Bumble BFF, it's an app. A lot of people use it to meet new friends in their area nowadays. It's not as easy making new friends in a new place, or you could try taking a class or something like that! It's good to have girlfriends to talk about things to, men try but it's just not the same




Good luck!
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Old 19th June 2017, 8:27 PM   #3
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First step: get some local female friends. It's good to have your own friends and get some time with them away from your husband. After that, hold onto your butts and enjoy the ride.
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Old 20th June 2017, 2:40 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kindnessplease View Post
I will share something with him (just as an example- "it makes me so sad when I think of all the dogs that don't have homes in the world") and he will acknowledge and agree but it's like, I feel like he doesn't fully reciprocate my deep feelings that I am trying to convey.
I think this is perfectly normal. Equality is a big deal these days but the simple fact is that women and men aren't the same and they don't think alike. Women tend to be more emotional whereas men tend to be problem solvers.

So you say "it makes me so sad when I think of all the dogs that don't have homes in the world" - you're expressing an emotion. But to him, you're presenting a problem that needs to be solved. Of course it's pretty obvious that he can't solve the problem you've presented, so he will shrug his shoulders, say "yes it's sad but we can't do anything about it" and carry on drinking his tea.

But you're not looking for a "male" reaction, which is finding a solution to the problem. You're looking for a "female" response which is empathy and emotion. And you're getting frustrated because he's basically, reacting like a guy.

I agree with the advice above. The solution to the problem you're presenting here (see what I did there?) is to find some female friends who can give you the empathic reactions and conversations you're missing in your life. The same goes for him as well, if he doesn't have guy friends, he will likely experience the same issue in reverse.
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Old 20th June 2017, 3:03 AM   #5
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my ex and i had a d and m about how women and men cant be just friends...and what i do with male friends is basically turn them all emotive...they agree with every thing i say nod their heads .....and i know they arent really listening.........probably most likely just to keep the peace......like with my ex he was mmming through our convo.....saying yes at intervals and i said to him you arent listening.....and told him what he was really thinking of......which he was thinking it....had nothing to do with our convo at all.....involved another woman actually.....and not at all decent....yep ...just a guy thinking about sex.....

and thats when i figured out thats how i scare guys...also why i like to have male friends a new perspective a broader understanding.............i can guarantee you guys dont think like us....they are more physical beings.....problem solvers as another poster wrote ...they see a problem yo they solve it ....just like vanilla ice....)...emotions and sensitivity can often scare them ....they prefer not to delve to deeply in to that realm ...it makes them vulnerable.....so they stoic up.....

you honestly wouldnt want a thinking replica of you....it would be like dating yourself...and we as people make ourselves lonely with deep introspection so i have a theory that if you try to date someone exactly like you ...you would end up feeling lonely...i wouldnt want to date myself personally...i would get extremely bored....no growth...


so my advice,

appreciate his differences look at the way he brings a different dimension to your relationship sometimes even see his side and understand how with two of you with different thinking patterns...only makes that pattern larger broader and ....more interesting....... and i say congrats and wish you a happy marriage...deb
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Old 20th June 2017, 2:34 PM   #6
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Sweetie, Your BF does not have to feel intensely about the same things as you do. You are 2 different human beings and will always be. Learn to appreciate your differences as you'll find more of them with time.

I am a dog lover as well. I cannot watch movies with dogs in them because the stupid movie makers always have the dog die in their movies. At first my BF was supportive and said of course honey we'll watch a different movie. Now 1,5 year later he says: *sigh* Ok I will watch the movie on my laptop. It does not mean my BF broke his connection with me, it does not mean he does not respect things that are sensitive to me. It just means we don't have to put on gloves with each other anymore like we did back when we met. It means we are getting real with each other.

Your boyfriend is still respecting the things that are dear to your heart but after 2 years let him be himself and not pretend that this is poignant to him as it is to you.
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Old 20th June 2017, 7:12 PM   #7
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I think it's about respecting what each other is passionate about, not necessarily sharing the same passions. It sounds like he's respecting your feelings - so I'd say it's all good.
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Old 23rd June 2017, 10:50 AM   #8
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Can it be that you're nervous because you feel like you're getting bamboozled with 'pre-engagement'? I mean... is that even a thing - isn't it just called dating ? Maybe after you get engaged you'd relax and stop being hypervigilant about his reactions and responses... I doubt they have changed with time, and they were not bothering you before, that's why I think what is causing it is the so called 'waiting game'.
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Old 23rd June 2017, 12:49 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by No_Go View Post
'pre-engagement'? I mean... is that even a thing
Apparently it is.
Engaged is a promise to marry.
Pre-engaged is a promise to make a promise to marry?
But logically if you promise to make a promise to marry then you're promising to marry so you're already engaged. Congrats!
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