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SO needs more time. What do I do?


Getting Married Cold feet to pre-marital stressors--the place to discuss all the issues that come with saying "I do."

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Old 19th July 2017, 11:07 AM   #16
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Are you SURE you want to marry this person, OP? Look at it logically - you have 5(!!) months of a "happy relationship", and 3.5 years of "been rocky since the beginning - we broke up 3 times, pretty much fought constantly (jealousy, external inputs, context, general incompatibility, two incredibly strong personality etc.)". That means about 12.5% of your entire relationship has been happy. Are you SURE that percentage is worth staking the rest of your life on?

I think that if you don't want to leave this relationship (and personally I would, after 3.5 years of misery!), you should wait. Not for him, but for YOU. You don't want to end up having kids with a man whom you might spend the rest of your life fighting with. 5 months is not nearly enough to signal a permanent change after 3.5 years of incompatibility.

You are 29. You have so much time for kids! Fertility only really starts to decline sharply from 35 onwards for women. You could easily wait for a year or two more to see if the changes really are sticking, and then still have a very good chance of giving birth to a few children.
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Old 19th July 2017, 7:58 PM   #17
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Maybe you both would be happier exploring if there is a better match out there for you.

When the dating relationship is rocky - it's a very good indicator that maybe you shouldn't marry.

Take that from a gal who shouldn't have married her husband - but stayed 21 years too long...

I knew we struggled to see eye to eye while dating.

Last edited by S2B; 19th July 2017 at 8:01 PM..
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Old 23rd July 2017, 12:35 PM   #18
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4 years is plenty of time to know if you want to marry someone. The question is, why would you want to marry someone with whom you have been miserable for the majority of the relationship? You say that therapy has improved things, but this is a recent change and I think it is concerning that your status quo is to be at each other's throats all the time. If I were you I'd be worried about how new stressors would affect the delicate balance here. I'm not convinced any amount of therapy can fix fundamental compatibility issues.

Given your history, I don't blame your bf for needing more time. No one should feel pressured to make this decision. But, you should realize your problems may be too deep-seated for any amount of time to be sufficient- you should be prepared for the fact that he may never get there.

No one can tell you what your internal deadline should be, but if you choose to stay together, I'd encourage you to use the time to assess the relationship as a whole to determine if this is really the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. A ticking clock or expectations based on other people's timelines are not good reasons to get married.
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