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He won't commit


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Old 26th May 2017, 7:52 AM   #1
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He won't commit

My boyfriend & i live together & have a child. We have been together off & on for over 12 years. More on than off.
I have made it known for many years that i want to get married & spend the rest of my life with him. He has never asked & when i approach the subject I am met with a myriad of excuses as to why he feels it's not the right time & how we are a family & already married even going so far in the past few years to refer to me as his wife to employers & new friends. In his mind we live together & have a child & that makes us already married.

I get that i have made it too easy for him & that has led to part of the reason he sees no need to ask.
but everday my heart breaks as I feel good enough to play house with but not good enough to marry. I am not in this to play house with or play the pretend wife. 3 weeks ago i had enough of the inbetween and publically poured out my heart out to him online ending with asking him to marry me & giving him a ring. A week went by with no talk of my question then finally this week almost 3 weeks later he addressed things asking what had suddenly changed that had me wanting to marry him. I poured out my heart yet again & told him marry me or don't but do something and say yes or no. i thought i would finally get an answer but still nothing. I am angry & hurt & beating myself up for putting my heart out there to him again.
To me after all these years it's simple he either knows he wants to spend the rest of his life with me or knows he doesn't. Should I put all my heart into this again & show him what he will loose, keep trying, call it quits. I don't want to give up but my heart cannot take much more breaking.
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Old 26th May 2017, 8:34 AM   #2
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Quote:
Originally Posted by imaginemylife View Post
I get that i have made it too easy for him & that has led to part of the reason he sees no need to ask.
Quote:
Originally Posted by imaginemylife View Post
I feel good enough to play house with but not good enough to marry.
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Originally Posted by imaginemylife View Post
To me after all these years it's simple he either knows he wants to spend the rest of his life with me or knows he doesn't.
You've pretty much answered your own question, these are all painfully true statements. He doesn't see any reason, your wishes and hurt included, to marry you. Avoiding your direct proposal should be proof enough.

It's easy for me to say, when the concept is "he marries me or else", it's time for the "or else" but it's your family and life. Don't think anyone can deny your choices are clear - maintain the status quo or break it off.

Tough situation, hope you find what you're looking for...

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Old 26th May 2017, 9:27 AM   #3
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but everday my heart breaks as I feel good enough to play house with but not good enough to marry. I am not in this to play house with or play the pretend wife.
Except that you are, since you have put up with this for 12 years. If marriage was what you wanted, you should've been out the door 10 years ago.

Quote:
3 weeks ago i had enough of the inbetween and publically poured out my heart out to him online ending with asking him to marry me & giving him a ring. A week went by with no talk of my question
Am I understanding this correctly that you asked him to marry you online rather than in person?

Quote:
then finally this week almost 3 weeks later he addressed things asking what had suddenly changed that had me wanting to marry him. I poured out my heart yet again & told him marry me or don't but do something and say yes or no. i thought i would finally get an answer but still nothing. I am angry & hurt & beating myself up for putting my heart out there to him again.
You have an answer -- you just don't want to accept it. You are absolutely right that if he had any intention of marrying you, he would have done so by now. He doesn't want to get married to you. Given your past actions, he knows you will stay with him regardless of what he does and regardless of whether he discusses what you want. Stop wasting your time pouring your heart out to him -- he doesn't care.

My advice is that if you truly want to get married, leave him and find a man who wants to marry you. He's not going to do it.
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Old 26th May 2017, 10:04 AM   #4
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Reading between the lines of your post, it doesn't seem to me that the two of you are close enough to be married. He's been avoiding the subject for years, you pour your heart out and propose online, he responds with the silent treatment for a week, and breaks that by asking "what's going on?" You ask him in person and he avoids giving you an answer.

So, besides the point that's already been made, that you have your answer, it's just that you got it in the form of silence, and I can't think of any worse way you could receive it, besides that, you guys don't show the closeness that's required for marriage. You're each throwing your positions out there into an arena for the other one to see, but you're not really communicating intimately. You don't want what you've got in a marriage.

Assuming you're mid-30's, I'd start looking around now for someone you might have a good marriage with.
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Old 26th May 2017, 10:19 AM   #5
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No answer is an answer in no!

You really have not much options. Either stay or leave.
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Old 27th May 2017, 6:09 PM   #6
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Every time I see a post like this I think....ask yourself, whats in it for him? Why would he marry you? Why should he marry you? Your post, as in a million others, state why YOU want to get married. But marriage is 2 people. Both have to want to get married.

He is telling you, over and over, why he wont marry you. Its up to you to decide, if being married is more important than staying in your relationship.

Sadly you say you arent in this to play house or be a pretend wife, but your actions speak otherwise. Twelve years is a long time.

Last edited by Whodatdog; 27th May 2017 at 6:12 PM..
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Old 27th May 2017, 9:33 PM   #7
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If he wanted to marry you he'd have done it years ago. He doesn't want to marry you and he's been obvious about it. Now it's time to decide if you're willing to be his live in gf forever or if you want to move on and look for a husband.

Also, each and every time he introduces you as his wife you should correct him publicly. You aren't his wife. He's lying when he says you are.
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Old 3rd June 2017, 7:36 PM   #8
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You have been 12 years together I think he's proven his commitment. Your relationship and your family together is more important than a ring around your finger to show off.

If he won't marry you can't force him.

Take an appointment to a notary and have them write up a common-law contract between you 2 so you are protected in case of seperation or death. Also take a life insurance on him and pay it yourself.
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Old 30th July 2017, 1:13 AM   #9
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I think he gave his answer. He doesnt want to marry you. I am so sorry.
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Old 1st August 2017, 12:32 AM   #10
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You have even gone as far as proposing to him on social media?? Ouch that has to be so embarrassing. I'm sorry sweetie but you took all the fun out of it for him by doing that. You can't go back now. Try and save some of your pride and dignity and ask him to move out. You have to put the focus on you and your child. He has all the power in this situation and he knows it.
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Old 2nd August 2017, 7:50 PM   #11
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It's pretty straightforward: He does not care about your wants and needs, so why spend your life with him? It's always going to be his way or the highway. The highway isn't so bad. Just be sure you file with the state (in the US) for child support.
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