LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Transitioning > Getting Married

Firing my best man for wedding


Getting Married Cold feet to pre-marital stressors--the place to discuss all the issues that come with saying "I do."

Like Tree75Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 26th May 2017, 6:04 PM   #16
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 17,432
I'm just going to throw in my one cent worth, and that is that I feel like whoever is getting married and making a big production of it is who should pay for everything except gifts. A lot of people would never spend that on their own wedding, much less someone else's.
__________________
"I care not much for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln
preraph is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th May 2017, 12:56 AM   #17
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 2,029
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pod81 View Post
My best man, who has spent over $30000 in video games, goes out to eat in NYC quite often, recently dropped $100 on dinner/karaoke with friends, and buys a brand new car won't spend one or two nights in a hotel.
Why do you keep talking about how he spends his money? It has zero relevance. Do you think because he spends money on himself he's obligated to spend it on you? That's how you're coming across. You sound entitled.

Ask your brokest friend how much he can afford to pitch in. Then ask your other groomsmen to pitch in that amount, and of course they're free to pitch in more if they'd like. You should also pitch in that amount or more. Add it all together, then give that figure to the person doing the planning and tell them that's the budget they need to work with. The planner shouldn't have to be the one trying to wrangle your friends into paying. He's doing you a huge favor. Make it as easy as possible for him.

If any one of your friends can't or won't pay, well, you can "fire" them or "kick them out" of your wedding party, but I think you would be a petty jerk if you did that. You should value your friends whether or not they can spend money on you.

I get that you're disappointed about Q's attitude about the whole thing, and that's what you need to focus on - not about how much he wants to chip in. By focusing on the financial part of this, you're coming across as a real ass. Sorry.

Talk to Q and ask him why he doesn't seem to want to be a part of this. And don't bring up the money thing. Give him an out - tell him that you value him as a friend and that you want him to be involved but if he's got too much on his plate and would rather just attend the wedding as a guest then you'll be okay with that and no hard feelings.

If Q drops out, then you can ask your closest best friend to be the best man and he doesn't need to plan the bachelor party or prepare a speech for the wedding. I assume that's why him fearing public speaking is an issue. He can do something else, if he wants. Like prepare a slideshow that can be projected during the reception, or something. Or nothing. There's no rule that says that he MUST make a speech.
Elswyth likes this.
CC12 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th May 2017, 2:05 AM   #18
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Antipodes
Posts: 7,079
Speaking of not making a speech, some friends of friends had an 'open mic' at their wedding last week. By all accounts, it was great fun.
CC12 likes this.
basil67 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th May 2017, 3:23 AM   #19
Established Member
 
todreaminblue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: down under
Posts: 13,951
Journal Entries: 2
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pod81 View Post
I also would like to add that I'm not putting all the costs on him. If I have to chip in or even pay more a good chunk, I really don't mind. It's not the money that bothers me. It's about the lack of desire and reciprocity of friendship. This situation is bringing out a side to his character that I've never really seen before.
maybe he is going through more than you are aware of....deb
__________________
in the ache of night,luminous prayers take fragile flight,
somewhere between battalions of warring sins,
there exists hope and love for peace begins...deb
todreaminblue is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th May 2017, 3:35 AM   #20
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Antipodes
Posts: 7,079
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pod81 View Post
I also want to add that I'm not the only one who has noticed his selfish tendencies when it comes to certain things. We have a mutual friend (they've known each other even longer than he's known me) who recently took him and his fiancee out for his birthday dinner, but he never reciprocated back to her when it was her birthday the following month. Even if he doesn't want to spend the money, he should at very least make a personal card or offer some fun, but free or cheap activity to do. But nope, nothing at all.
Unless they all agreed that they would take turns paying for each other's birthdays, he's not being selfish.

Giving should be done for the sake of giving. Not with expectations of having the thing returned. We know he's not a planner - and other than sappy romantics, who makes cards?? If your friends were going to get bent out of shape about him not returning the favour, they should have made it clear that the the gift had strings attached.

I suspect that this best man is also seeing an entirely different side to you too. Why not dial the whole thing back? Go somewhere local to everyone, get smashed and stumble home at 5am.
basil67 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th May 2017, 7:01 AM   #21
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 2,288
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pod81 View Post
I also want to add that I'm not the only one who has noticed his selfish tendencies when it comes to certain things. We have a mutual friend (they've known each other even longer than he's known me) who recently took him and his fiancee out for his birthday dinner, but he never reciprocated back to her when it was her birthday the following month. Even if he doesn't want to spend the money, he should at very least make a personal card or offer some fun, but free or cheap activity to do. But nope, nothing at all.
So this is your fault then. You knew what type of person he was when it came to doing stuff for others and yet you chose him with the expectation he'd do stuff for you.
aileD is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th May 2017, 9:49 AM   #22
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 10,658
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pod81 View Post
I also want to add that I'm not the only one who has noticed his selfish tendencies when it comes to certain things.
Pod81, you've already gotten some good advice here.

I'll just add, if a wedding is about joy and celebration with friends and family, this isn't the way to go about it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by basil67 View Post
I suspect that this best man is also seeing an entirely different side to you too. Why not dial the whole thing back? Go somewhere local to everyone, get smashed and stumble home at 5am.
Amen. This is being run like Bachelor Survivor - meet my expectations or get kicked off the island.

If the OP lightens up, he might actually have some fun ...

Mr. Lucky
__________________
"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for." - Epicurus

Last edited by Mr. Lucky; 27th May 2017 at 9:52 AM..
Mr. Lucky is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th May 2017, 10:46 AM   #23
Established Member
 
Elswyth's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 24,520
If all of your groomsmen are in such dire financial straits, why are you even insisting on them paying for an expensive bachelor's party?? Pay for it yourself, or have a low-key cheap one, gosh.

If you were a woman, you know what they'd call you, right? (Hint: It rhymes with Godzilla. )
preraph likes this.
__________________
~Perfection is about accepting that we cannot control everything and letting go of some of our preconceived notions.~ -Spiritofnow-
Elswyth is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th May 2017, 11:52 AM   #24
Established Member
 
SoleMate's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: California
Posts: 4,685
A bachelor party where most of the participants are dragged kicking and screaming, or just show up sullenly under duress, is a terrible idea. Actually, you should have NOTHING to do with the planning, let alone setting demands for expenditure, and just accept whatever your friends freely offer. Maybe your friends are stingy jerks, maybe they're authentically broke, maybe they just don't like the way you're going about you "party planning" and money extraction; still, they're your friends, not your cash cows.

Or if you want to plan it, you should do so, but plan a party that everyone will truly enjoy, and pay for it yourself.

Although there are downsides to the above - as in you probably won't get the lavish party of your dreams and you may have to pay more than you want - it's better than what you're doing now, which could cast a pall over the whole wedding and even end up killing off one or more friendships.
__________________
Heavily medicated for your safety.
SoleMate is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th May 2017, 12:29 PM   #25
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 835
I also thought the budget as well as the idea of the bachelor party are supposed to be chosen and planned by the OP's friends. The OP is supposed to accept gratefully whatever his friends put together for him, no?

Actually is the bachelor party even necessary? Can't you just go out the night before the wedding to have some drinks (since your friends have to travel to your wedding anyway)?


Quote:
Originally Posted by SoleMate View Post
A bachelor party where most of the participants are dragged kicking and screaming, or just show up sullenly under duress, is a terrible idea. Actually, you should have NOTHING to do with the planning, let alone setting demands for expenditure, and just accept whatever your friends freely offer. Maybe your friends are stingy jerks, maybe they're authentically broke, maybe they just don't like the way you're going about you "party planning" and money extraction; still, they're your friends, not your cash cows.

Or if you want to plan it, you should do so, but plan a party that everyone will truly enjoy, and pay for it yourself.

Although there are downsides to the above - as in you probably won't get the lavish party of your dreams and you may have to pay more than you want - it's better than what you're doing now, which could cast a pall over the whole wedding and even end up killing off one or more friendships.
JuneL is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th May 2017, 10:43 PM   #26
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 10,658
Quote:
Originally Posted by JuneL View Post
Actually is the bachelor party even necessary? Can't you just go out the night before the wedding to have some drinks (since your friends have to travel to your wedding anyway)?
My daughter, in her late 20's, has had to decline participation in the weddings of good friends due to the financial issues involved. A young person can only afford so many "bachelorette weekends", destination weddings, gifts, bridesmaid dresses, spa days, etc., can easily top $1K each time.

Seems to have gotten out of hand...

Mr. Lucky
Mr. Lucky is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th May 2017, 12:10 PM   #27
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 256
I think your friend is probably a crappy friend, but you're also being kind of ridiculous.

If someone doesn't want to go to your bachelor party, why would you call them up and guilt them into going? Do you WANT to have a good time at this party? If so, you should be aware that having even a single guest there who is only there out of obligation will just bring the whole mood down and make it really hard to have a good time. Bad move, you.

So you made someone other than your best friend the best man, because your best friend is a bad planner. Well, than was another bad move. Q is obviously a pretty poor planner himself anyway. You should've made your best friend the best man, and just helped out a lot with the planning. And who says he HAS to give a speech?

It seems like this whole situation is the result of bad choices on your part. Q being a crappy friend is really just a side point. I'm not sure how you should handle this, but maybe start with politely asking Q if he'd rather opt out of the party and just come as a regular guest, as others have said. Then make your best friend your best man, and plan the thing with him. Get a rough idea of how much everyone can spend and go from there. It's okay if you have a big hand in planning the bachelor party. It's not like these rules are set in stone.
Gemma1 is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
break up after firing yarps Dating 7 30th March 2015 10:17 AM
Is this type of firing unusual? PhillyDude Business and Professional Relationships 3 25th April 2010 9:19 AM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 8:38 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.