Should I marry this woman with a lower sex drive?

[Fortysome]

I have been dating the most wonderful woman for over 18 months now. We have a wonderful connection. We enjoy the same things and have genuinely become good friends as well as lovers.

 

Lately we have been discussing marriage. She has told me that she wants to marry me, that she loves me and wants to spend the rest of her life with me. I love her very much as well but this will be my second marriage and I want to get it right.

 

There are a few concerns but the big one is sex. We have sex regularly and it is always wonderful but it is not as frequently as I want it.

 

I have twin 13 year olds and a 12 year old who spend every other week with me. On those weeks that my children are with me I do not see my girlfriend much if at all. The weeks that I do not have my children , we typically spend 2 nights together. If it were up to me we would spend all 7 of those nights together.

 

I think there are two concerns here. Concern #1 is that she talks about wanting to get married which would entail living together full time of course , yet after a couple nights together She is ready to go home and have her space . I am always a little disappointed when she is ready to go home because I really love having her around. I am not needy and I don't make a big deal out if this but again if up to me, she would spend a lot more time with me.

 

The sex part is another piece. She would probably be satisfied with sex a couple times a month. She has told me that she likes sex but it has never been important to her. She initiates sometimes and it seems she is genuinely in a sexy mood sometimes but it is just not that often. We probably have sex 2-3 times during the week I'm not with my kids and it's usually because I want it and she is giving me what I want.

 

When we do have sex it is not as adventurous as I would want. WShe is very giving when I ask her. She performs oral on me but she will not allow me to perform oral on her. She will not allow me to put my fingers on or in her vagina . She only likes missionary style and I like some more variety. She does not know if she has ever had an orgasm but thinks she has while masturbating. She will not allow me to watch her or be involved with her masturbating at all.

 

She admits that she has some hang ups. While she is not a religious person per se, she was raised Muslim and her parents are quite devout which is a whole other concern being that I was raised Christian but am not religious either.

 

I don't know if it matters but I am older than her.

[Telemachus]

The title identifies her lower sex drive, but it is only one of many details. I can't tell why you singled it out, or if it's the main thing, why you included so many other details.

 

Most women are responsively aroused, not spontaneously aroused the way that you and most other men are. I don't see an issue with you initiating; that's how most MF couples are, most of the time. Matching drives is important, but there's no reason yours and hers should be the same. Any two people are capable of finding their own maximum harmony in union as a couple.

 

You posted about her going home and you wishing she'd stay longer, but you never mention going to her place. Your children live with you half the time, so she'd still be living out of a suitcase, even if she stayed longer, and that gets old. Why don't you pack a bag and ask her to invite you over for 5-7 days? You mention her parents, but don't say that she lives with them nor with anyone else.

 

Second marriages are less successful than first marriages (in terms of probability), so you should keep that in mind. You mention quite a bit about sex, but nothing about conversation. Conversation is much more important to a successful long-term relationship than sex is.

 

Looking at it from her side, I'd say that it would be fair to characterize you as being older, divorced, having three shared childen about to enter the most tummultuous and difficult years of their lives, and you want her to do things with regard to sex and staying over that she's not comfortable with. The risks to her future are likely greater than the risks to your future.

[anika99]

Okay well first of all if she doesn't know if she's had an orgasm or not I'm gonna say she hasn't because when someone has an orgasm they know it. Also the majority of women orgasm through clitoral stimulation but it sounds like she refuses clitoral stimulation and only allows penetration with your penis and it's highly unlikely she is having orgasms from that alone.

 

In regards to how much time she spends with you I don't think you are being reasonable. It's hard to spend numerous days away from home on a regular basis. After a couple of days at your place there are probably things she needs to do at home and she probably wants to be in her own familiar surroundings. If you think it's so easy to just leave home every second week then why aren't you splitting time between her house and yours? She could spend three nights at your place and you could spend three nights a week at hers. Try it and see how much you love it. If you marry her then you will both have the same home and being with you wont feel like being away from home.

 

Sexually I see big trouble ahead. I don't think she orgasms or really gets much out of sex. She may be somewhat sexually driven now because she is pursuing you and wants to secure you but once she has you she will soon lose all sexual interest in you because it's just not her cup of tea. Maybe she has sexual abuse in her history, maybe her parents instilled shame in her, or maybe she's just asexual. If I were you I'd want to figure that out and know if she plans to do anything about it before you commit to marriage.

[Knix]

So first of all, the rumor that women have lower sex drives... is a MYTH.

 

 

Women have equal if not higher sex drives depending on the person and the circumstance. We can also be spontaneously aroused and open to different things.

 

 

One of my closest friends is Muslim and she was raised to avoid premarital sex, culture is probably playing a huge part in your girlfriends lack of exploration. A lot of women don't feel like the deserve to enjoy sex, it might be a good idea to talk to her about what excites her, what her fantasies are. Is she willing to experiment?

 

 

As far as her needing space, I think it's awesome that she's vocal about it. Even if you two are married or living together, you need to have your own separate lives outside of the relationship. I think wanting to stay at someone's house for a week without giving any space is a bad idea, if she likes to have space sometimes that's a good thing, she can come back to the relationship feeling refreshed.

 

 

Look into slowly introducing new fun positions, don't rush her and let her get comfortable with the idea that her pleasure matters too. Take a night to make it about her, see what happens.

 

 

 

 

Best of luck!!

[BluesPower]

If you do not get the sex part right... DO NOT MARRY HER.

 

And who I the world expects a man to initiate sex all of the time. Men have just as much right and need to be desired as women do. This is silly.

 

If you guys are not sexually compatible now it will only get worse in the marriage. Do not do it...

[Dirt]

How old is she? I don't see her changing.

 

No oral or fingering? Unless you want a life of vanilla sex it's time to move on. I'm not sure how you made it 18 months with this.

[Fortysome]

Telemachus and the rest who replied, thank you so much for the insight. I am sorry if my post was confusing or not focussed. I wanted to paint a picture beyond the main question I was looking for help with.

 

First if all since a few of you believe that my feelings about only spending 2 days together are not reasonable I was forced to think about this. It was unexpected but this is why we look to sites like this to help give us perspective that we are lacking.

 

I was married young at 19 and was married for 24 years and have been single now for 4. I think that perhaps that long marriage got me used to not being alone. The weeks when my kids are with me are a pure joy, albeit very very hectic joy. The weeks I am alone I sometimes feel lonely. All of my friends are married so it's not like I'm hanging out with the boys. I realize that this is my problem and not hers. I never give her grief about it and I never act needy, but I do miss her when she is not around and would be very happy if she wanted to spend more time at my home. I keep myself busy. I am a pretty busy CEO and I have hobbies and I go to the gym a lot to keep busy but I admit that I get lonely.

 

I would be thrilled to spend time at her place but she does not like it. She lives in a condo with two female roommates. They are all late 20's or early 30's. You guys are right though. I suppose I would get tired of living out if a "drawer" and would want my own familiar home if I was spending a lot of time at her place. I appreciate everyone's perspective on this one. It is helpful.

 

Her and I have wonderful conversations. She is a very smart engineer and while she is quite a bit younger than I am we have a a tremendous amount in common. Our relationship is definitely not all about sex. We routinely stay up half the night sharing a bottle of wine and just talking by my fire pit. We travel a lot, we attend concerts and plays and the Opera. We genuinely have a wonderful connection.

 

As far as the sex goes , she is a sexual person. She initiates sex . She surprises me with spontaneous unsolicited oral once in awhile . She is playful and fun in bed.

 

The main thing that I am worried about is that my sex drive has always been high. My ex wife had a sex drive that was also very high so for 24 years I had sex 3-5+x per week. I have dated other woman who were also sexual dynamos who really liked sex a lot and wanted it often.

 

My dilemma​ is that I am try in love with this woman who is incredible in every way; but her libido is lower than mine. She likes sex but again , she would feel completely satisfied if we had sex 3-4 times per month.

 

Ok the following is going to be a little graphic. I do not want to offend anyone but it's necessary.

 

Also, she is a bit squeemish when it comes to sex. She believes that her vagina is dirty. She does not like it when I perform oral on her because she says that she is preoccupied with how gross it is. She will not touch my penis after we have had intercourse as she feels it's dirty. When she has allowed me to perform oral on her for 10 seconds , she will not kiss me. She prefers sex with the lights off.

 

I do not believe there is any sexual abuse in her past but I believe that her religion has made her feel very guilty about premarital sex. She still likes sex but she admits that she feels guilty that she likes it. She has also said that if we were married, she would probably not feel guilty since then anything would be ok.

 

I guess my question is this. She is 29 years old. Is this the peak of her sexual appetite? Will she lighten up and enjoy sex more if we were married or is it likely that 3-4 times per month would turn into 1-2 times per month ?

 

I love this woman. I also love sex and am worried but I don't want to make it seem like sex is all I care about. But it is a valid concern.

 

Thank you all for your very insightful responses.

Edited April 11, 2017 by Fortysome

[Arieswoman]

Fortysome,

 

I think that this;

 

While she is not a religious person per se, she was raised Muslim and her parents are quite devout which is a whole other concern being that I was raised Christian but am not religious either.

 

Would be a bigger problem than the sex stuff.

 

That's if her parents let you marry her at all

[Fortysome]

Arieswoman, you are right. This too is a big concern. We have discussed this many times. Her parents do not know that I exist. They live in another country but still. She says she wants to tell them of me; but she hasn't yet.

 

But yes this is likely a more pressing issue than whether our sex drives are compatible.

 

I did not want to ask you guys for advice about this issue because the only sound advice is to run. I can't run though because I love her.

[Arieswoman]

Fortysome,

I think you are heading for a fall on this one.

 

Her parents do not know that I exist. They live in another country but still. She says she wants to tell them of me; but she hasn't yet.

 

Just wait and they'll summon her home to marry her off to a nice Muslim guy.

And if her brothers/uncles/other male family members find out she's been having sex with a non-Muslim they will come after you with machetes for disgracing her.

 

You are playing with fire here - sorry. x

[Dirt]

I'd find someone your own age. And hiding you for this long from her parents is a big issue.

 

Don't fall for the sex will be better once we are married lie.

[central]

IMO, do not marry her unless and until the issue of sex is resolved. (Cynic that I am on this subject, I predict that sex will never be as frequent as you like, and if she makes the effort, it will fade in weeks or a couple of months.)

 

 

If you can be happy with sex once or twice a month, then go ahead - but be sure that you aren't making too great a sacrifice because she has other good qualities.

 

 

I ended my first marriage largely because of sexual incompatibility, primarily frequency. I found someone not only highly compatible, but who also has a high sex drive. Win-win.

[Mr. Lucky]

I guess my question is this. She is 29 years old. Is this the peak of her sexual appetite? Will she lighten up and enjoy sex more if we were married or is it likely that 3-4 times per month would turn into 1-2 times per month ?

 

If you work in a STEM field, you should understand the math. It's very rare that frequency increases after marriage. So not only is now as good as it will get, it's highly probable that "times per month" will decrease after you tie the knot.

 

If you're dissatisfied now, doesn't bode well for the future...

 

Mr. Lucky

[caveman621]

One word. NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I suffered for 25 years from this. I can go on and on about how I lacked confidence when I was younger so married the first real girlfriend I had. We met at 19 and married seven years later. Anyway, although I have always had a high sex drive, she did not. She promised after we were married, "more sex than I can handle." That didn't happen. I did and do still love her, but had to break it off. It seems weird. 25 years. But I regret it SO MUCH now. My current girlfriend is super horny and we have sex ALL THE TIME! I didn't know such women existed! She keeps telling me she's "not a unicorn. There are others." And I say, "Where were they when I was in my teens?!" They were around, I'm sure, but I had no confidence to ask anyone out and get the relationship experience I should have and that most people do.

 

OK, that rambled a bit. But, bottom line, sex is not the ONLY part of a relationship, but it IS a big part of it and, if you two are not compatible, it will cause problems.

[GunslingerRoland]

In general women get more open minded about sex as they get older, the fact that her drive is there is good. But man there are a lot of red flags. It seems like her hang ups about sex are pretty ingrained. And then you get the possibly bigger issues, that she seems to keep you at a distance and she keeps you a secret from her family.

 

Then there is the age difference. You were married for almost as many years as this girl has been alive. Are you really at the same point in your lives?

[maro]

If you do not get the sex part right... DO NOT MARRY HER.

 

And who I the world expects a man to initiate sex all of the time. Men have just as much right and need to be desired as women do. This is silly.

 

If you guys are not sexually compatible now it will only get worse in the marriage. Do not do it...

 

I have to agree with that. Many men cheat after marriage because they are not satisfied with the sex, so my question is - if you knew there will be trouble in the bedroom, why have you decided to get married?

 

I was a mistress to a guy who wasn't satisfied with his wife's sex skills and decided to marry her, now he's cheating on her with multiple women. They will probably never get divorced, but he will continue doing what he's doing.

 

It doesn't have to be this way, but finding the RIGHT person isn't easy and being sexually compatible (and mentally) is a very important part of every relationship and then marriage. Marry when you are 100% sure and have no concerns.

[Mr. Lucky]

Many men cheat after marriage because they are not satisfied with the sex ... I was a mistress to a guy who wasn't satisfied with his wife's sex skills and decided to marry her, now he's cheating on her with multiple women.

 

Chicken or egg? Funny how some guys decide they were dissatisfied once the mistress is part of the program...

 

Mr. Lucky

[TexDude]

Based on your post, sex is important to you. If you marry this woman, be prepared to essentially give up sex. Her sex drive is not going to increase. Sex will only become less frequent. Take it from someone who's going through it myself.

[Cookiesandough]

Sounds like a horrible idea

[Chilli]

Someone mentioned her living out of a suitcase and yeah , l can get her wanting to get home again right now. Add the kids and things.

You should try sharing that load and staying over hers

 

Also , sadly , kids and family and running households are about the most unsexiest environment on the planet . She wouldn't feel too sexy there but that might get a bit better say at her place or if that isn't much better you could both try run away once or twice a mth for a few days , to something nice and private and just the two of you.

See if that or you staying over hers or something changes things a bit.

 

At any rate, it's only been 18mths, l'd play around with some of this stuff, give it more time.

 

Good luck anyway.